Coworkers in love?

[Craneve]

Forgive my long first post but this is along story for me, would appreciate feedback also. Thanks.

 

Last June I met this girl, she had been working in the same building as me for almost 2 years prior to us ever really talking and she has a boyfriend whom she lives with. I had been working late one day until 8pm and coincidentally it was one of her coworkers last day so they all went to the bar across the street. I decided at the last moment to go over and say goodbye not knowing how many people would still be there. It was only her, another coworker and the guy leaving. I still believe that that moment is some sort of fate that brought us together because in all the years prior we hardly muttered hello to each other. As the night went on we began to talk and play pool as teams and we swapped teams talking trash to each other. General playful banter but we clicked instantly. From that moment to this day I'm convinced she's my soulmate an that we met for a reason.

 

The next few days are hazy as they are so long ago but we began to IM on the work Lync system, telling each other how much fun we had and what not. From the start I knew we had one similar interest, firearms. So we began to talk about those. Then one day right before we left on a Friday she gives me her number and to text her if I ever wanted to see some cool pics of her guns. (pun) I gave her mine saying the same thing. I texted her that night one of mine and we began from there. I can't say exactly what I was looking for, maybe it was just fun texting someone as I don't have many friends anymore and it was cool that she was into guns. From that day almost until just now we texted everyday, all day, from the moment we were up until the moment we went to bed. The more we texted and talked on IM the more we discovered about each other and soon the similarities and same interests were piling up. We laughed at the same jokes, hell even made the same joke at the same time so many time like our brains were connected. We had similar music interests, laughed at the same memes, the same political views, everything you could ever imagine, we had the same view on. Eventually we began to see each other in work and would go get coffee in the morning together and go back to our desk where we would continue to IM. As time went on and we talked more and more and the similarities were just blowing us away I really begin to have an interest in here beyond a friendship. I know this was a mistake as she had a BF but seeing as relationships and friends have never come easy I was anxious to see what it could be come.

 

Time wore on still and we discovered so much about each other, we eventually began to just go get coffee and sit and chat for an hour or more because were both in awe of each other. Hardly believing the other existed because how can two people from different parts be so similar. We would go to the top of the staircase where nobody went and sit there talking and looking at each other, and still would for months. I eventually asked her if she wanted to get drink after work one day and she said yes. I wasn't expecting anything from this just some sort of reasurance that yes she was interested I guess. Weeks passed and we spent even more time talking and seeing each other in work. We would go for lunch, get tea in the afternoons, we were together for a good part of the day. People even began to notice how much we were together and say is she my GF and I would have to sheepishly say no even though inside it was what I wanted in the worst way not really ready to admit that to myself. Then I had to make a tough call, I told her in a ways that we can't continue like this as we're only heading for disaster. It was heartache for both of us as we got along so well. I did learn at some point that she was only looking for a friend initially but also at some point she to began to want something. It was a hard 2 weeks but I eventually cracked and started talking to her again. Mistake #2.

 

Anyway. We began talking again about everything, she told me how hurt she was by it but soon enough we were back and we even began to buy each other little things like cool stickers and keychains and just getting along so well. I eventually asked her out for drink again and of course she came. Those nights we had so much fun making funny jokes, laughing at everything, talking about everything under the sun. We were both on cloud nine one night when I made a joke about her and she laughed at that for a solid 10 minutes. That gleam in her eye after she was done as she stared at me in amazement will be with me forever. After the bar we would go back to one of our cars to contunue talking and staring at each other in just sheer amazement at each other. It eventually came to a point that we basically disccovered our only disimilar interests were legalizing drugs and liking Slayer, which she did, also a large part of my attraction to her is that she wasn't the “basic”. She liked heavy metal, guns, conservative. She was so badass to me. I admitted to her that I felt like she was my soulmate and I hers, it was amazing. We would tell each other that we were amazing and in disbeleif still that two such people could not only exist but find each other. We went out a few more times over the course of those months in the fall each time becoming more and more attracted to each other. She eventually began to rest her head on my shoulder, and on those cold night when we were bar hopping we would walk in each others embrace shielding the cold just a little bit. One day she comes into work and gives my a scarf that she bought for me in my favorite color too because I was cold one of those nights. One of those night bar hopping we were getting along so well, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife and we had been poking and playing with each other all night and while walking we eventually stopped on the sidewalk from something she said and got in each others face jokingly, and in that moment, I just kissed her. I don't know why but it just felt right, we kissed for what felt like an eternity but was only a moment. We continued to the bar and had another amazing night together afterward heading back to a car yet again only this time we made out for hours eventually her giving me a bj and other things. Mistake #3.

 

I think around this time I tried to break away again as it wasn't right. She did have a BF after all and I felt wrong doing what I did but at the same time it confirmed that she did have an interest in ME however wrong that is. I think that time it only lasted a week before we began to talk again only this time more about us, and what we wanted, she wasn't sure and I'm sure she felt guilty and clouded in confusion. I made it known that I didn't want to be friends which was probably mistake #4 but whatever. By this time it was almost Christmas and we were yet still talking and seeing each other daily, we would still be together for hours out of the day, from the start getting coffee, to tea at lunch to walking out together at the end of the day and have a hug before we left wishing we were both going home together so we could hold each other there and whatever else we would have done. That went on for quite some time and yet this time I couldn't stop, I was in love with her. Christmas eve comes and she is home with her family and we were tetxing all day saying how much we missed each other and wanted to be close holding each other and everything in between. At some point we began to argue about what we really wanted once more because I was kind of tired of the back and forth game and I wanted to know if this was for real, I wanted a relationship here, she was unsure still but in the midst of all this she say the reason she can't quit me is that she too is in love with me! I didn't know what to say as I wasn't quite expecting this but we still talked. After the holidays we just continued as we were, hugging, holding talking. We eventually went out for drinks again mid January but this time the sexual tension was at a peak. All night and the days leading up to this it was just there. That night after the bars we went back to my car where we made out again for hours, only this time we ended up having sex. Mistake #5.

 

I know that was wrong, I knew it was heading to that, but couldn't stop myself and neither could she. We were truly in love with each other, admitting to each other our true feelings, admitting to each other that we felt like we were each others soulmates over and over again. But yet we still continued, we were transfixed on each other so happy to have met each other but at the same time she still had the BF. We had a little argument again over what we wanted again with the tension and angst growing. I was going to the next state for a few days for training and we talked how we'ed miss each other. Even though our states are small and she only lived an hour from where I would be but I got a hotel due to me living further. I asked her if she'd come visit me which to my surprise she was going to. After work one day she drove down, an hour beyond home to visit me. I knew she loved me then. We went to dinner at a restaurant nearby and then went back to the hotel where we just lay there on the bed being us, holding each other and feeling complete. I tried to kiss her but she didn't respond so that was that. A few days later she texted me saying that she can't keep doing this as it's only hurting me, her and her BF. I tried to ask what was wrong but we didn't talk for 2 weeks. Foolishly of me I contacted her again and she told me her BF saw some of our texts and found out she had been lying about things, probably those times we went out for drinks. I don't even know how many times it was actually, 8 maybe. Anyway I know she was most likely feeling extremely guilty as he had had confronted her before about this and she had to lie to him about having sex which makes me feel like ****. She told me that she was unsure about everything, unsure if any of it could even work after everything. She then tells me that she feels like we should try to be friends, and see how that goes which crushed me. After everything we had said and done and now after this she wants to be friends. I was blown away. I refused, I was angry. I asked why the sudden change which is when she told me about the texts he found. She told me thing things he said made her realize things, which I never pressed to find out. I know all of this was wrong from the get go but after everything discovered, everything that was said and done and it just imploded on me. I was in disbelief. I was in pain because at one point in an argument she did reveal that she too at some point had wanted something between us. She said I wanted to be with you. You know that but now I just think we should try to be friends..see how that goes.

 

We've had off and on contact since then 2 weeks ago and she tells me how much she loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I basically told her you could have me but you have to decide if I'm worth it to her. In the end it seems I wasn't as she is still there and I'm back to being alone again and I have to see her daily and it is painful. I saw her today at the spot we always went, the stairs and we barely talked. We IM'ed a bit about us and what not how we are both in pain. On the way home today I texted her saying the same things over just reaching for anything, making mistake #whatever now. I began to question was any of it real in those days after and still today. She says yes it was real, what we had, she did and still does love me. She said she fell deep in love with me but yet still remains with him and that is painful. I knew this would come one day and I knew it would be painful yet I was blinded. I don't know what I was expecting from this. I had read all the articles and forums including this one that said RUN! but I kept going. Setting myself up to be heartbroken. And here I am telling complete strangers this, many probably I'm my exact spot, how heartbroken I am. We told each other that if we were truly soulmates that we would come back to each other. I told her today that that's mostly just a fairy tale we tell each other to ease the pain but I want to believe. I want to believe. She meant and means so much to me and I the same to her but yet she remains there and I'm just at a loss for words and emotions. And her telling me that she still loves me makes it so hard and I can't forget her even though I'm trying. I wonder if she really does want to be with me but out of fear isn't but the sensible side of me says that if she wanted to be she would be but then I have an internal debate that it's not that easy or black and white. I finally deleted our text chain from only October until February it was over 33 thousand texts. I know time will heal these wounds and I'll find someone but truth is, at least right now all I want is her. In her words exactly she said. “ There are just no words to describe how much I love you and how happy you make me” yet she's not here. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do.

[lionlover1973]

I'll never understand why some people get involved with a taken person.

 

This is the kind of person you fall in love with?

Someone who willingly performs oral sex on you while in a committed relationship, kissing her boyfriend with those lips?

 

Yuck.

 

Did you ever consider that even if she did leave her boyfriend for you, that she won't do the same thing to you down the line?

 

I'm sorry that you are in so much agony but, it never should have gotten to this point in the first place. It seems to have gone on long enough for her to make up her mind. It is extremely selfish behavior - she is getting all her needs fulfilled - with no incentive to change nor any consideration for your feelings or her boyfriends'.

 

How nice of her.

[act00]

She wants the best of both worlds - she wants to keep her boyfriend and keep you on the side. Sorry, that just doesn't work. After all this time and emotion and connection, one would think she would realize her current boyfriend is not what she wants, long-term, and it's time to cut those strings. She hasn't done that. She apparently still loves her boyfriend very much, and he is her priority.

 

You need to stop talking about you+her and what you "could" have. You have to deal with the pain of seeing her at work every day and maintain a cordial relationship and know that THIS JUST WON'T HAPPEN. It's done.

 

Do you really want a woman who cheats anyway? What happens when she splits with her boyfriend and you and her are living together and move into the mundane routine of "married life?" Will either of you stray to that attractive person at work (or meeting outside of work) who is just slightly out of reach? Exciting? Different? New? The one who doesn't fart?

 

Your relationship is starting on a foundation of lies and deception. If she was that unhappy with her boyfriend, she would have cut her losses a long time ago with him and pursued an honest relationship with you. It hasn't happened.

 

Let this go. Stop talking about sexual-, relationship-related stuff. Keep it casual and maintain the pleasant parts of your interactions as coworkers (even friends-very vague, casual, work friends, not outside-of-work friends). Fade out. No more alone gatherings and possibly even avoid or excuse yourself early from group events if she starts coming on strong. You're pretty much stuck with her in your life unless one of you quits...put her on the back burner.

 

I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts. You know all of this already.

Edited February 28, 2017 by act00

[Craneve]

I knew all of this as it happened yet I couldn't turn back. I think I read every article, every forum on this but yet I persisted. I knew it was going to fail but it was like that bad accident you can't look away from except this time I was the driver. I thought of every scenario and still do about how any of it could work. Who knows anymore. It's a tough lesson to learn.

 

She has said that she does still love her BF and that she knows it but this was said way into our thing. The ****ed up thing is that I wouldn't even know her if it wasn't for the BF whom she relocated and moved in with from her home state. I guess they knew each other and dated in college briefly. In those times I asked her what she wanted and she was so unsure she stated that she was afraid of hurting someone that doesn't deserve to be hurt, someone that's always afraid of her leaving, someone that has given her everything that she doesn't deserve. I asked her to explain a bit and she said that she just doesn't know if she can do it. (leave). I know her behavior is not ideal, neither is mine anymore in this but she continually put off a hard decision and only when he discovered some of the truth she bailed on me. As you stated Lion, How nice of her.

 

Not defending her just trying to use logic but I want to think a large part of her not leaving is that she doesn't make much money and without him has nowhere to live, no family here, no friends either. So guilt may be playing a big role in it as well as fear. What would anyone do in that situation? Anyway, I appreciate the feedback. This has been an almost emotional release writing this out more than anything.

[OnlyHonesty]

People need to think beyond their own ego and desires. She has demonstrated that she has no loyalty, she has demonstrated that she is not gf or relationship material, and you have demonstrated that you lack self control, discernment and logical thinking.

 

Her bf is with a girl that has cheated, has dishonored his trust and is not worthy of being with him. It is your lust that is clouding your judgement and has been doing so since the beginning. Think beyond your ego, place your self in the other guys shoes and listen to what people are showing you about who they are.

 

This is where it should have all stopped..

 

Then I had to make a tough call, I told her in a ways that we can't continue like this as we're only heading for disaster.

The way to stop it at that point involves a certain level of mindfulness, pausing, clear thinking (unadulteratted by lust) and self control.

 

When a girl already has a bf, the way I see it is as follows. Why should I be the one providing her with what is lacking in her relationship?

 

Why should I be the one filling in the gaps, why should I be the one boosting her self esteem and making her feel desired? what the hell is in it for me? I'm better than that so why should I be the fill in or the reserve guy?

 

(In future) The best course of action is to completely pull back, work through the pain of doing so, work through the temptation of going back to how it was when you were flirting and feeling the attraction. I suggest you do some research on mindfulness because that is one of the key factors that allows us to stop, slow down, process and think before we act.

[coolheadal]

I knew all of this as it happened yet I couldn't turn back. I think I read every article, every forum on this but yet I persisted. I knew it was going to fail but it was like that bad accident you can't look away from except this time I was the driver. I thought of every scenario and still do about how any of it could work. Who knows anymore. It's a tough lesson to learn.

 

She has said that she does still love her BF and that she knows it but this was said way into our thing. The ****ed up thing is that I wouldn't even know her if it wasn't for the BF whom she relocated and moved in with from her home state. I guess they knew each other and dated in college briefly. In those times I asked her what she wanted and she was so unsure she stated that she was afraid of hurting someone that doesn't deserve to be hurt, someone that's always afraid of her leaving, someone that has given her everything that she doesn't deserve. I asked her to explain a bit and she said that she just doesn't know if she can do it. (leave). I know her behavior is not ideal, neither is mine anymore in this but she continually put off a hard decision and only when he discovered some of the truth she bailed on me. As you stated Lion, How nice of her.

 

Not defending her just trying to use logic but I want to think a large part of her not leaving is that she doesn't make much money and without him has nowhere to live, no family here, no friends either. So guilt may be playing a big role in it as well as fear. What would anyone do in that situation? Anyway, I appreciate the feedback. This has been an almost emotional release writing this out more than anything.

 

This always happen to us all, but not you it's her to have both worlds and still always goes back to the safe bet.

[Craneve]

Need some more thoughts on this. My suspicion on her began a few weeks ago shortly after we stopped talking. I saw her talking to one of her direct coworkers in the hall a few times, from where my my desk is I can see everybody walk by, a few days later she would walk by, then him not far behind. I've seen that a few times. Then one time last week I saw them part ways but he held out his hand in an almost don't leave way if that makes sense. Today I saw them stopped in the hallway just chatting it up. Am I paranoid or is she just a attention seeker already moved onto another guy to get attention from? She doesn't even look at me anymore when she walks by and she looks at the ground basically. I called her on it once before and said because it's so painful to look at me. Yeah sure it is.

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[OatsAndHall]

Need some more thoughts on this. My suspicion on her began a few weeks ago shortly after we stopped talking. I saw her talking to one of her direct coworkers in the hall a few times, from where my my desk is I can see everybody walk by, a few days later she would walk by, then him not far behind. I've seen that a few times. Then one time last week I saw them part ways but he held out his hand in an almost don't leave way if that makes sense. Today I saw them stopped in the hallway just chatting it up. Am I paranoid or is she just a attention seeker already moved onto another guy to get attention from? She doesn't even look at me anymore when she walks by and she looks at the ground basically. I called her on it once before and said because it's so painful to look at me. Yeah sure it is.

 

You need to take a step back and take a look at this woman. She had no issues carrying on with you while going home to her boyfriend every night. You stated that there were thousands of texts and IMs going back and forth between you: she was literally sitting within the proximity of her long term boyfriend while sending those texts and IMs.. It's honestly a miracle that you didn't have some angry boyfriend hunting you down at work and creating a scene.

 

She isn't going to show you any more concern than she showed her boyfriend. Remove yourself from the situation completely, cut off all contact with her and just flat out stay away. This is a situation that could cost you a lot, professionally and I bail from it ASAP.

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Craneve]

I have removed myself. I haven't spoken to her in a week and even then it was just barely. I still have to see her daily as we sit on the same floor just opposite side. With any luck I will be removed from the scene all together as I have a job opportunity open to me right now and I'm going for it.I just want'ed to see what you all thought about the current status. I don't know if she just used me for the attention or what it is. A mess for sure.

[CollegeKid101]

I'm not going to give you a hard time for being the guy who let a girl cheat on her boyfriend because I've done that more than once...however, I have never actually gotten involved with any girl. The closest thing was my long-term ex and I cut her off the moment she told me "why can't we just hang out and not tell anybody?" I wanted her to dump her boyfriend because I felt it was the right thing to do, she wouldn't, so I stopped having sex with her.

 

I mean it's your own fault, really. Why would you want to be with a girl that cheats? She'd cheat on you. She's for sure sleeping with the coworker as well. Take the new job and find a single girl if you want a serious relationship.

 

How did you take her blowing and having sex with her boyfriend every night she got home and then kissing you the next day?