LoisLaneKent27 Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Let's see where to start off. This is mainly a little bit about myself and past and future friendships. I think I'm mainly posting this now to help those who think they are alone. I've posted here in the past before just once or twice. And I really like reading this forum from time to time for advice for myself. I see people having the same types of problems I've had. I've had a pretty good life, despite everything I've gone through. I'm 27 now and the first time since I was five years old I feel like I'm on top of the world again. And I've made it happen all by myself. Growing up I've had a few sets of good friends. When I moved I lost them. I still keep in contact with them from time to time. Or at least make it a point to now. Even though they aren't my best friends any more they are apart of my childhood. Since I've moved twice in my life, I've been depressed so much so that I've become unhealthy. I've had acquaintances and nice people to hang out with from time to time & a part time job. To back up a little I was teased very traumatically up until High School and I've never learned how to defend myself until now. So I still have a hard time making friends. Especially, when there's either cliques or it's hard to join into groups to where they've grown up together. I'm also a very quiet person unlike my family so it's hard to throw myself into conversations. I drifted then to the internet and made a few "friends." For five years I've gone through more of my own hell. I kept thinking what's wrong with me, why won't they be friends with me? Why can't I make any real friends instead of online friends. Who I realized a year ago weren't really my true friends. I finally realized that it was me. I liked myself to a point, but I became so shy and such a hermit I made myself afraid to be around "real" people. I finally decided after vacation this year to go back to therapy and this time even though I've been to a lot of therapist to use it for a positive rather than a negative. It's helped a lot and it feels so refreshing. I could take medicine if I wanted to, but I'm working my butt off to prove to myself and others I don't need it. A year ago I broke up with my first online friend of five years. She was a few years younger then me, and we met once. When we met once in person I was so shocked how immature she really was. Since then I think I started over time to see how majorly different we really were. One of her friends eventually dumped her. I used to be friends with this person until I broke it off with her one time because she was just insane at the time. I mean that in the nicest way. But she had a lot of *heavy* personal problems at the time. Then my friend of five years didn't really become clingy with me, but she I thought assumed my personality or tried to like all of the things I liked. And started copying little things of my life. At first I thought well copying is a form of flattery or, however it goes right? Then after a point and time I let it drive me nuts. So I broke it off slowly saying we can pick up the friendship later down the line when we both agreed. Well I missed her after a few months and we became friends again, but it was weird. I found out she got together with her old friend again who just dumped her cold. So I really got the hint there's really something wrong with her. I think and I'm not sure what it is and if I want to be apart of our friendship. Once we were friends again and she was friends with this other girl I realized I was getting the shaft in a round about way. She had her other friend again. She's opened up to other people more than she has to me. Then finally I was just so tired of it I said my piece and broke it off completely never to return again. After wards I've sort of regretted it. Now I don't. We had similar friends, but I'm not apart of that group anymore. I moved onto a nicer set of "online friends." Don't get me wrong, my old friend has ton of possibilities in her future I've seen her come a long way, but she also has a long way to still go. She hasn't *really* experienced life, but think she's suffered more than others and the one friend she got together with again from what I know is the only healthy person she has online. Her other friends or about 30 or over years old and are still living at home not really having a life. She does have a few friends her age though as well. I didn't want to be apart of that any more. It's too much drama and I'm done with drama. I decided I have my own problems to get through first. I have this really one good online friend, but again she opens up to others more than me for some reason. It's something I've craved for a long time. A really good close friend like you see on the TV, movies, and you read about in books. My mom doesn't think those exists, but I know they do, we just haven't found them yet. I know friends can be like your second family (or make your family bigger). Any way, she's just had a baby about a year ago and I'm so happy for her. I don't even care if she talks about her all of the time. Okay I did at first, but now I don't, I guess I'm used to it. And since I like this person a lot. However, now we are both going in different directions and I'm thinking about just disappearing from the online life for good only to keep into contact with a few people that I have something in common with. So now in my life I'm putting together my own puzzle. I'm re-establishing friendships and family or at least am trying hard to. I finally landed an amazing full time job that I love to do. I'm back in college part time to hope to make my dreams of a writer or anything to work with books come true. I also hope to be the first on my mom's family (at least with the grandkids) get a Masters Degree. In Jan and Spring I'm moving out on my own to also help have a better relationship with my mom and so that she can finally see I am now an adult. I just can't wait now to start making real life friends. The worst feeling in the world to me is feeling alone/lonely. And going through everything by yourself. I'm also not saying online friends aren't bad for your health. If you find a person or persons who you become best friends with or a person you fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with. That's *truly* amazing. Give yourself a big hug and tell yourself how lucky you are. Especially, with all the statistics out there. I also think friendships do come in and out of your life a lot. Those that are also lucky to hang onto them for life it's also amazing as well. But if you drift apart, think about what a better friend you'll be or have next. What they will mean to you. And what a better friend you'll be. As corny, cheesy and repeated as this sounds. You can only make your dreams come true and you can only hold yourself back from everything and everyone. Just ask yourself do you want your own life to pass you by? I hope this posts and I hope someone at least one person can relate to this. And someone can make sense out of this some what long post. PS: Don't kill me for adding this and making it a tad longer, but I also wanted to state. I always felt people climbed way ahead of me. Now I feel like I'm slowly passing them. Such as my cousins who had a great life are creating their own drama now. Which I do hope that changes soon for them as well because they can have great future's because they've had more chances than I gave myself. I was always second fiddle and they could never do no wrong. And now I'm looking to more positive role models in my family and outside of it. And you wouldn't believe how much that makes an impact on you. Okay really done now.
nice to know Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Good for you...keep being you and everything will follow
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