Woman at work giving me mixed signals.

[rh205]

The night out is a couple of days away and when I asked her a few days ago if she was still going she said yes and I said I wasn’t sure. She immediately turned round and said ‘you’re going because I’m going’. Anyway I left it at that and went to write some notes as I was running behind. Whilst I was stood outside the room I overheard another worker slagging me off saying how I don’t shut up etc and she immediately turned round and said ‘He’s funny’ and it sounded as if she was defending me. At the end of the shift she said that you for a lovely shift and hugged me (despite it being a horrible shift).

 

Yesterday I was sat down waiting for the night shift to come on and I asked another co-worker if they were coming and they said they weren’t and then said I still wasn’t sure about it and that’s when the woman in question turned and said you’ve got to come. I asked her why she seemed so keen for me to come and got a rather aggressive response. She said ‘It’s not me who wants you to come but everyone’s going’. I find it strange how one minute she’s saying and implying I have to go because she is and the next she denying that she wants me to go because of her.

 

She seems to blow hot and cold throughout the day and I am left wondering if she is trying to keep things under wraps until the night out as she tends to be cold in front of other colleagues but let’s things slip when we are alone. Unfortunately I am going on nights for a month whilst she is on days and am hoping she comes onto nights soon as this tend to be the perfect time (due to a reduced workload) to talk to her and get to the bottom of all this.

[Sara1989]

You know I cannot believe you are a 28 year old man...anyone else would have written this girl off and just moved on.

 

She has already made it clear she is not interested in you romantically, she is just enjoying playing with you and having a best male buddy at work.

[mightycpa]

Thank you for that last post, Sara.

[rh205]

Thanks for your answer Sara.

[smackie9]

She isn't blowing hot and cold, you are totally misinterpreting her interaction with you. I agree with Sara. This coworker noticed right away what you were implying and she abruptly corrected you. She is making it perfectly clear to you, this is not what you think. She is encouraging everyone to go...you are not being singled out.

[rh205]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I am wondering whether or not to go the party for three reasons:

 

1) I'm the only male going.

 

2) I'm the only english person going so can't help but wonder if this could lead to me being excluded from conversations as they will be speaking in their native languages.

 

3) Because of recent events with this woman (her being told I like her and her admitting to having a boyfriend) it may cause awkwardness and ruin the night.

 

Is it best to stay away from the party to prevent any awkwardness?

[mightycpa]

No, you must go. Not only that, you've got to act normally, except for the part where you think this woman likes you. If there are other women around who are not associated with that group, you should go talk to them too.

 

Hang out, have fun, look at your watch every once in a while and leave early.

 

Don't seek her out, but don't avoid her either. In fact, say hello early, and then go talk to somebody else. Try not to look at her, or see what she's doing. If she comes up and talks to you, say a few nice things, then go talk to someone else. "Bent" arms length is probably a good way to put it. Don't want to go 100% standoffish.

 

Act normally. It will do a lot to ease your time in the actual workplace. If you avoid this, work is going to be pure hell for you.

[smackie9]

This would be your opportunity to be charming with all the ladies. Give you some practice. Maybe one of them will suggest she set you up with her niece that's around your age and is single.

[rh205]

If you avoid this, work is going to be pure hell for you.

 

Thanks for the replies and please keep them coming.

 

Just a quick question as to why would work be 'pure hell' if I avoided this?

 

Luckily the ones who are going are the ones I have the best working relationship with so that may make it easier.

[rh205]

I can't help but wonder if I've got myself in into a catch 22 situation in that if I go it could be awkward but if I don't go then work could be awkward and she may question why I bottled it and I'll look like a weak man by her and the others.

 

My previous question from my post above still stands:

 

Just a quick question as to why would work be 'pure hell' if I avoided this?

[rh205]

Just a quick update.

 

The party is tonight and I have decided to go after much umming and ahhing over the weekend. The problems that caused this were a) I'm the only male going and b) I'm the only english person going so there was concern that if they started speaking in their native language I would be excluded and feel awkward.

 

Anyway the language thing sorted itself out after a manager turned round as we were walking out at the end of shift and said 'see we speak english if there's a english person around'. I thought fair enough. Also they are generally very respectful and do avoid speaking their language in the workplace and the person who said it has in the past picked up other colleagues at work for speaking their native language in front of english workers.

 

Also just as the dust had appeared to of settled and things were getting back to normal between me and the woman in question an ex colleague decided to come from a different area and in front of everyone say 'You fancy her and have been getting dating advice from so and so haven't you'. At this point I saw red as it's nothing to do with her and as it was the end of the shift I went to walk out without saying anything.

 

A work mate stopped me and said that it's because the other night they had discussed how they approach women and another person let it slip that I like her and had said how he told me to be direct with her. I'm hoping that no one going tonight heard it and hope it doesn't ruin the night.

 

But I want to go not only because I get on very well with the group but by not going it may make the ex colleague think they've won and cause more gossip. I also believe that by going it sends a clear message that I'm not letting their vindictive gossip stop me or get the better of me.

 

My previous question still stands:

 

Just a quick question as to why would work be 'pure hell' if I avoided this?

Edited May 29, 2017 by rh205

[Moves Like Jagger]

 

Just a quick question as to why would work be 'pure hell' if I avoided this?

 

From your last question, I can tell that you're more interested in the drama and the attention you're getting from this thread instead of following the advice people have given in this forum. A lot of people in this thread took the time and effort to give you advice and you ignored it because you rather analyze and ruminate over someone who is not your girlfriend instead of doing basic things like asking out a girl who liked you and being a professional toward your coworkers.

 

Yes, this girl was interested in you. She gave you a lot of signals that she wanted to date you. You blew it when you kept on analyzing her body language and words instead of asking her out for lunch. After hanging out for lunch several times, you should have asked her to hang out after work. That's all that you had to do. But you failed to do that. Instead of waiting around, she decided to date a Man who doesn't dilly dally.

 

After she told you that she's taken, you're still creating more posts about her. You're still asking your coworkers about whether she is interested or not even though she was clear that she was no longer interested in you. Please out of respect for her and your coworkers, please stop thinking about her or trying to get with her. Be professional. I don't care that she's overly friendly with you. She sounds like a big flirt.

 

Also, girls like guys who are confident and lead. Her Spanish boyfriend probably didn't start any thread before he asked her out. He didn't like ask a lot of people for advice before he made his move. You got to applaud him. Girls are attracted to different guys all the time. Just because a girl flirts with you, it doesn't mean that she wants to be your girlfriend and that she will start ignoring all the guys who flirt with her. On the other hand, you asked too many people for advice for someone that is not your girlfriend. You also ignored their advice when they told you to make a move. Now you've lowered yourself even more by asking for advice on someone that already rejected you. In all that time, you could have been flirting with different women.

[elaine567]

Yesterday I was sat down waiting for the night shift to come on and I asked another co-worker if they were coming and they said they weren’t and then said I still wasn’t sure about it and that’s when the woman in question turned and said you’ve got to come. I asked her why she seemed so keen for me to come and got a rather aggressive response. She said ‘It’s not me who wants you to come but everyone’s going’. I find it strange how one minute she’s saying and implying I have to go because she is and the next she denying that she wants me to go because of her.

 

If she so desperate for you to come and she has a bf and told you so, and she rather pointedly said "It is not ME who wants you to come", then I think she wants you to come to the leaving party so she can set you up with her friend who most likely likes you or her friend who doesn't have a bf and this co-worker of yours thinks you may fit the bill.

Do not be surprised if you end up being essentially ignored by this original co-worker (she may even bring her bf or leaves early when he comes to pick her up), but you end up being shoved towards this other girl.

[rh205]

I know I haven’t updated this post for while due to work commitments and holidays etc. But I went to the party and noticed how she kept staring at me whilst we were sat talking as a group in a bar. Then when we went to a club she saw some of her friends and so spent most of her time with them. But towards the end we ended up dancing together and hugging each other. This may have been because of the amount of alcohol consumed so I thought nothing of it. Since then we have been on different shifts or on leave etc so haven’t seen each other.

 

Anyway fast forward to this week and on our first shift together she asks if anything in my life had changed and I sensed that she was subtlety asking if I had a girlfriend etc as her and a few others knew that my last relationship had ended the last time she saw me. This isn’t the first time she has asked about my private life. Anyway at the end of the shift she turned to me and in a suspicious tone said ‘Why have you been so helpful today?’ I said ‘I don’t know’ as I wasn’t expecting that and in my opinion I hadn’t given her any more help than I would give my other colleagues and I had been just as productive as any other day.

 

The next day I was working with one of my work mates and she enters the room to talk to him. They aren’t friends but he’s always polite and friendly to her in a professional capacity. But this time something didn’t feel right as they were talking in hushed voiced and she kept glancing over at me. It created an awkward atmosphere and I thought surely if she’s talking about a patient then there would be no need to whisper. Anyway I carried on writing my notes and they left the room. But it looked more like she ushered him out of the room to talk to him in private than him leaving of his own accord and she glanced back in my direction as they left. As they were leaving I’m not sure what he said to her but her reply was ‘Because I don’t have a boyfriend’. He’s already in a relationship and seems like the loyal type who doesn’t get involved or flirt with other women. Several times that shift she would brush her hand through my hair or give me a playful tap on the shoulder and on one occasion she asked for help in her room and as we walked up the corridor she decided to link arms with me.

 

The next day she asked me to help her to hoist someone as her colleague was on their break. As we proceeded to walk up the corridor she put her arm round my waist until we reached the room. After we had finished she said announced ‘Thank you, I love you.’ I just said ‘That’s alright’ and returned to my room.

 

At the end of the shift me and my work mate were outside and he started going on about how he believes that men can have digs at each other and it’s seen as friendly banter but if you do it to a woman it would be seen as violent. When he goes off on one it’s easier just to let him get on with it and he tends to be very opinionated so in this case I think he was simply expressing his opinion rather than directing anything at me. I’m not sure what he was getting at but it almost felt like a debate about how to treat women. He also started lecturing me about how Portuguese people tend to have a sarcastic sense of humour so I shouldn’t be so serious when talking to them. But the odd thing was that he mentioned that I need to ‘be less serious when talking to people like her’. I found this strange as we were talking about Portuguese people and then out of nowhere he mentions her name and yet he knows she comes from Spain so it was if he name dropped hoping I wouldn’t notice. I mean there are plenty of other names he could have chosen but it was like he purposely chose hers.

 

A few days later another member of staff said exactly the same thing about being less serious almost word for word so I think they may have been talking. It almost feels like they are trying to give me advice and wonder if she has said something that may have triggered this.

 

I’m sorry for the long post but a lot has happened since my last post.

 

What are people’s thoughts on this?

[olivetree]

You do come off as rather serious and hella passive.

So now you're saying you're this fun at work too?

 

But to the point, she isn't into you.

She keeps you around as an orbiter because she likes the attention.

She knows that you're obsessed with her and she loves it.

[rh205]

I try not to be too serious or passive at work. Also I give her no more attention than I do to my other colleagues.

 

The other day the work mate who she spoke to appeared to be purposely laying into me and throwing around false statements such as 'You keep disappearing' etc. We have argued in the past and very quickly made up but this time it felt like an exercise to see how far he could push me before I snapped. Luckily I remained calm and an emergency cropped up so the conversation ended. It almost felt like a confidence boosting type exercise or an exercise to see if I could be aggressive and not passive if the need arose.

 

It just seems strange that two different people would say exactly the same thing word for word as if they had talked to each other. So as soon as I heard my colleague say it my immediate thought was 'You've been speaking to him'.

 

Now call me paranoid but I just sense something is or has been said and want to know what is going on. Something definitely doesn't feel right and I'm usually pretty good at sensing changes in attitudes /moods within our workplace. It just seems a bit coincidental that she starts flirting again whilst at the same time my work mate starts acting differently towards me and testing my limits.

 

Is worth having a quiet word with my work mate to find out if he has heard anything?

Edited September 20, 2017 by rh205

[act00]

I'm sorry, but the touching and running fingers through your hair and putting her arm around your waist and sweet nothings are highly inappropriate in the workplace, and even if you were dating, this high level of PDA is unprofessional. Does she fondle everyone or just you?

[rh205]

She gives others (both men and women) hugs but they look more like friendly hugs and I have noticed the Portuguese staff also hugging each other so think it's an etiquette type thing that Portuguese and Spanish people do.

 

Today she asked if I was going to the Christmas party and I said I wasn't sure yet. When i asked if she was going she said she would go if I was going.

 

I can't quite put my finger on why, but she definitely appears to be acting differently towards me.

[olivetree]

I try not to be too serious or passive at work. Also I give her no more attention than I do to my other colleagues.

 

You may be a good employee, but you are extremely passive in this situation and continue to break apart every small interaction with this girl.

 

You do give her more attention and/or special attention because your work mates could tell you liked her, otherwise they wouldn't have asked you if you did.

You also have to be looking at her an awful lot to tell that she is looking at you all the time too.

[rh205]

You may be a good employee, but you are extremely passive in this situation and continue to break apart every small interaction with this girl.

 

Thank you olivetree. I agree that maybe I am being too passive and this maybe sending her mixed signals and / or confusing her. This might confuse her as when alone with her I tend to be more relaxed and open and then when others are around I tend to become closed off as I worry about coming across as unprofessional.

 

As for the work colleague and my work mate, It seems too coincidental for them to say exactly the same thing within a day of each other without there being some sort of 'trigger'. Whether the 'trigger' is the woman in question saying something or my work mate talking to my colleague I don't know. I have worked with my colleague for two years and not once have they said anything before so I'm left wondering why now? Could it be that the woman in question has said something along the lines of 'I like him but he's too serious?' and as a result my work colleague is advising me to be less serious.

 

My work mates who I also consider as friends know I like her as I see them outside the workplace and I know they aren't the type to say anything to other colleagues.

 

It just feels as if after a period of no flirting and nothing much happening it's as if she has ramped it up again and she's acting differently towards me. Some days I can sense something is going on or being said by the way others are looking in my direction when talking to each other or are behaving towards me.

 

Examples of her behaviour include asking me for simple things like 'Can you get me a menu?'. Now this seems like reasonably request until you take into account the fact that she's had to walk all the way down the ward to my area (go out of her way) knowing full well that there are some stored in her area.

 

Could my passive behaviour be confusing her / sending her mixed signals?

Edited September 23, 2017 by rh205

[elaine567]

What I think is that they are having an affair and his aggression towards you was not a test, he was warning you off. and telling you to mind how you speak to her too. He may have spoken to others too about how you speak to her.

Her obvious flirting/hugging etc. with you may be a ploy for others to think she is interested in you, as opposed to your colleague.

Also is she coming all the way round for the menu to see you or is it an excuse to see him on her travels?

[rh205]

What I think is that they are having an affair and his aggression towards you was not a test, he was warning you off. and telling you to mind how you speak to her too. He may have spoken to others too about how you speak to her.

Her obvious flirting/hugging etc. with you may be a ploy for others to think she is interested in you, as opposed to your colleague.

Also is she coming all the way round for the menu to see you or is it an excuse to see him on her travels?

 

He can be aggressive towards others so much so that he has been spoken to about it by the management. Therefore I don't think his aggression was because of her. It was just him being his usual self. Also he has a girlfriend and doesn't strike me as the unfaithful sort who would cheat on his girlfriend. The interactions he has with the woman in question look and sound nothing more than professional. He was in handover at the time of the menu incident.

 

Should I just ask him why my colleague said exactly the same thing as him and ask whether he has heard or senses anything?

Edited September 23, 2017 by rh205

[elaine567]

He can be aggressive towards others so much so that he has been spoken to about it by the management. Therefore I don't think his aggression was because of her. It was just him being his usual self. Also he has a girlfriend and doesn't strike me as the unfaithful sort who would cheat on his girlfriend. The interactions he has with the woman in question look and sound nothing more than professional. He was in handover at the time of the menu incident.

 

Should I just ask him why my colleague said exactly the same thing as him and ask whether he has heard or senses anything?

The only person you need to have a word with is her.

Ask her out on a date, then you will know exactly where you stand.

[rh205]

The only person you need to have a word with is her.

Ask her out on a date, then you will know exactly where you stand.

 

OK. Thank you for your advice. If I see her tomorrow then I'll have a word with her.

[smackie9]

Wow after 7 months (since my advice), you are finally going to ask her out?