Woman at work giving me mixed signals.

[rh205]

Thanks for your thoughts on this. It is much appreciated. As I am at a complete loss as to what is going on with her as are my male work mates who I see outside work. Because her words just aren't matching her actions.

 

Yesterday I followed your advice and focused my time and attention on my job. However as a result throughout the morning she kept asking 'Are you alright?' and 'have I made you angry?’ I just responded by saying 'No you haven’t, I'm fine, I’m just very busy'. I kept thinking why do you care so much? As she kept on asking and judging by her tone of voice she did seem genuinely concerned. But maybe I was coming across as cold and distant towards her. I also noticed that she kept trying to catch my eye, looking back if she was walking down the corridor or throwing glances my way. It’s as if as soon as I don’t give her attention she tries to get mine. I remained focused on what I was doing and didn’t reciprocate. I went into work with the mindset that I would keep my thoughts to myself and not engage in flirting and would only speak to her in a professional capacity if needs be.

 

Anyway a little while later she confronted me in front of my work mate and said 'something’s wrong as every time I enter the room you leave'. I told her that 'I don't, it's just that I am very busy in my bay so haven’t got the time to hang around talking at the moment'. This was mainly happening in the kitchenette or the sluice so it's not uncommon for paths to cross in these areas. But unbeknown to her I was thinking that's because I have nothing more to say on the matter as I am here to work and I don't want to discuss it with you because I knew given the chance she would bring it up.

 

Whilst on break my work mate saw her and a man in the stairwell and she said to him ‘This is the one’. But my work mate said he didn’t sense any sort of romantic connection between them and went on to describe how they were stood the same distance that he and I stand when talking. He said he would have thought that if they were indeed boyfriend and girlfriend they would be stood closer to each other as they were in a quiet area and also he reckons he would have been able to sense it. He said it looked more like two work colleagues or friends having a chat and questioned why she never talks about her boyfriend with the other females when they are talking about their partners. He also said that it seemed strange how she called him ‘the one’ rather than ‘my boyfriend’ or by name.

 

So whilst they may or may not be together it seems bizarre that they were keeping their distance from each other and that she referred to him as ‘the one’. Also if this man is indeed her boyfriend then I can’t help but wonder why she keeps practically begging me to go on the night out and when I say I’ll go insisting that I sit next to her. I can’t figure her out as her behaviour just isn’t matching her words in that to say ‘I’m already dating’ and to carry on as if nothing has been said seems strange as I would have thought she would distance herself and go cold in order to reinforce her statement.

 

The other night I had to shut a conversation down as I sensed that another of my work mates was getting slightly uncomfortable as despite knowing that both of us are free on the night she was focusing all her attention on getting me to come out and begging me to come out and ignoring him.

 

Anyway I am on leave this week so it will be interesting to see how she acts when I return and whether she says anything whilst I’m away. But I will continue to focus on my work on my return and not flirt with her.

 

I have the following questions which I would love to know the answers to. So if anyone can help answer them then please do:

 

As she has a history of FWB type relationships could this be another one of those?

Could it be that she is making out that it’s a normal relationship to prevent our colleagues talking?

Why would a woman who has a boyfriend be so desperate for me to go out with her let alone insist that I sit next to her?

Should I just be direct with her to find out what is going on?

Should I ask her before or on the night out?

 

Please answer these questions as I am thoroughly confused. But I have decided to not let this affect my work and will keep it out of the workplace from now on. Many thanks for your thoughts and opinions on this.

[Bastile]

Keep it simple. Be a pragmatist, not a dreamer.

 

The first decision to be made is whether or not you date girls at work. Are you going to use your job as a way to cultivate sexual options?

 

After having had many bad experiences myself with this, I have decided not to. This despite women giving me big green lights to ask them out. Doesn't matter.

 

Once you make that decision resolutely, life becomes so much simpler and more relaxing. I personally much prefer to keep parts of my life separate, and find it more easily manageable.

 

However, if you make the decision to pursue in your workplace, then you need to do it properly. Either do it, or don't. Decisiveness (of lack of) is your problem.

 

If you are going to pursue, then ignore her borefriend. Just start flirting with her and have fun. At work, as with social-circles, you have the benefit of time.

 

I strongly suggest that you work on others too during. Don't be so obsessed over this one girl.

 

Eventually, you will have to escalate the vibe - forcing her into a decision. A leap of faith, if you will. The common ones are:

 

- Getting her number

- Inviting her on a date

- Making the move to kiss her

- Making the move to get her back to your place

 

And you will find out quite easily where you are with this girl. Don't keep yourself in a grey, equivocal zone forever. You have to push for a compliance test, and see how she takes it.

[rh205]

I have decided that no amount of asking what this means or that means is going to help me find the answers with this woman and maybe it is best as Bastile said to be a pragmatist and ask her where I stand. In other words take a direct approach rather than wasting time overthinking every little detail as there could be a thousand and one reasons for her behaviour and her motives.

My work mate said that the encounter in the stairwell looked and felt far too casual to be anything serious and looked no different to two friends spending break together. He went on to say that considering he gets on well with her and many of the other women it's strange how she hasn't mentioned him before and he hasn't heard anything from others despite her being a very outgoing person who is more than likely to talk about her boyfriend to other colleagues.

 

This has made me wonder whether she has told a few white lies to her female colleagues to make out that she is in a normal relationship when really it's a casual FWB type relationship and by me admitting to liking her in front of one of our female colleagues she was caught on the hop and didn’t want to be found out. I mean maybe she doesn't want them to know that she has FWBs for fear that they will look down on her, judge her or gossip about her etc. There could be countless other reasons why, but I wouldn't put it past her to tell the odd lie now and then in order to fit in.

 

My work mate also went on to say that it's strange how there is a distinct lack of evidence of this so called boyfriend other than the chance meeting in the stairwell. He said that he never sees posts in his news feed on Facebook about him or the relationship unlike the other women who are forever posting about their SOs.

 

Anyway I can’t help but wonder why if she has a boyfriend she would be so keen for me to go out with her and also be so insistent that I sit next to her. Could it simply be a case of she wants to get to know me before making any further decisions or that she is planning to escalate things on the night out to prevent drama in the workplace.

 

As I have said before I am on leave this week so I know I’m not going to get any answers to my questions and therefore feel it is fruitless to keep pondering it. I think it’s a case of putting it to the back of my mind for the time being. I also feel that it is best to focus solely on my job upon my return and see what happens on the night out when we are outside of the workplace and therefore have no job obligations to fulfil.

 

However that being said what are your thoughts on the following questions?

 

Is saying ‘I’m sorry I’m already dating’ the same as the classic line 'I have a boyfriend'?

 

Should I see what happens on the night out and ask her where I stand either then or beforehand?

[rh205]

Is saying ‘I’m sorry I’m already dating’ the same as the classic line 'I have a boyfriend'?

 

I would be interested to hear people's thoughts on this or the points raised in my previous post.

Edited May 16, 2017 by rh205

[rh205]

Hi,

 

Please can I have people's thoughts on the following question:

 

Is saying ‘I’m sorry I’m already dating’ the same as the classic line 'I have a boyfriend'?

[todreaminblue]

Is saying ‘I’m sorry I’m already dating’ the same as the classic line 'I have a boyfriend'?

 

I would be interested to hear people's thoughts on this or the points raised in my previous post.

 

 

.personally..i only date one guy at a time its not the same as saying i have a bf...its saying i am unavailable to date..i am seeing someone...means the same as i am already dating........deb

[rh205]

Thanks todreaminblue.

 

I ask as the word 'dating' appears to mean different things to different people so it would be interesting to get peoples take on this.

Edited May 17, 2017 by rh205

[Bastile]

Hi,

 

Please can I have people's thoughts on the following question:

 

Is saying ‘I’m sorry I’m already dating’ the same as the classic line 'I have a boyfriend'?

 

It's exactly the same. It's a rejection.

 

And if it's a social circle thing through work, I would suggest taking that and easing off.

 

I would add that taking rejection well is an important thing unto itself. Very important that you are decent about it.

 

You can take it or leave it, right? She's cool, and you're cool regardless.

 

I have had loads of great chats with women that have declined my advances (crazy though they may be! ). It's just a part of the process, and it's so important to learn to deal with it in a decent manner.

 

When I started out seriously making the effort to approach loads of women, I resolved to leave each interaction with a good energy. Not always possible, but that leads to such a good mindset.

[rh205]

Thanks for your reply Bastile.

 

So are you saying that it's an out and out rejection or a rejection based on her already being in a relationship?

 

We are all going out for a night out in a couple of weeks and can't decide whether or not to go. As I'm worried about it being awkward as a result of what has been said. What are peoples thoughts on this?

 

I will definitely being keeping this sort of thing out of the workplace from now on and must admit that whilst she was flirting in work I made damn sure I didn't flirt back as I didn't want to look unprofessional. So I was very careful about what I said and how I acted in front of others. Admittedly she seemed the same in that she would only say things like ‘I used to think oh, there’s that man again but now I think you’re the best one here’ when we were alone and she was sure no one was around.

 

What are peoples thoughts on this topic?

[Bastile]

Thanks for your reply Bastile.

 

So are you saying that it's an out and out rejection or a rejection based on her already being in a relationship?

 

Ah see? That's what I know is coming.

 

Listen mate. I would tell you how to plough, if I thought it was best.

 

It's your work/social circle, man. It needs a softer touch.

 

Seriously, accept it for the now. She needs to invest much further for you to escalate things to another number-close.

 

I'm warning you now, that you should be prioritizing your workspace over any woman in the world. Your priorities here are well out of whack.

 

Why is that?

[rh205]

Bastile,

 

I promise you that when I am in the workplace my top priority is my work and my patients. They come first and always will no matter what she says or does. I have built a very good reputation amongst my colleagues and my manager and I am well known for being a hard worker and getting on with my job. I'm not about to go and destroy that or risk my job because of her. Thats why I have been very careful to conduct myself in a professional manner and not reciprocate to her flirting and treat her in the same way as I would any other colleague. It's just that I couldn't help but notice her behaviour and what she said about me. Also that's why I mention the night out as if any more is going to be said or done between us then it will be there and not within the workplace.

 

Could you explain what you mean by 'She needs to invest much further for you to escalate things to another number'?

[Bastile]

Could you explain what you mean by 'She needs to invest much further for you to escalate things to another number'?

 

I mean that I would need some serious green lights in that instance from a woman before I started my serious "pursuit mode" over again.

 

Some examples from work:

 

- One woman made a pass at me on the stairs. Basically chasing me down them. Would have been a very easy close, in different circumstances.

- Another made it so that we were working in the same area, then started dropping hints about wanting to go out, and needing a drink

- Another that I was joking around with claimed that she was alone in her house that weekend, her landlord was out, and she was "scared" about being alone.

 

I'm literally talking about massive green lights. I wouldn't entertain it otherwise. Not at work.

 

Even then, I ignore it now to the point where women are seriously annoyed at me. Then you use the friendzone as a safety-net.

 

Learning to deal with women adequately in a good social sense is far more than just dating them. Keeping them happy whilst not dating them can be tough too

 

Serious question, you ever dated a woman at work before? Do you have any idea of the stresses you are in for? Especially if you break it off and she gets the hump.

 

Goes back to the original question I posed, and I really don't think it's worth it, to be straight.

[rh205]

Serious question, you ever dated a woman at work before? Do you have any idea of the stresses you are in for? Especially if you break it off and she gets the hump.

 

Bastile,

 

No I've never dated a woman from work before. She tends to get annoyed and ups the ante if I ignore her.

 

It's just that judging by her behavior last Wednesday and Friday. In that there was a marked increase in her flirting to the point where I'm sure others were noticing I also could sense she was thinking about something relating to the night out. I even turned to my work mate who had also noticed that she was being more flirtatious and said 'she's planning something, I can feel it.' I must stress that I did not engage in her flirting as I was too busy and focused on my work.

 

Another thing she has said in the past is when I have given her my PIN number to login to one of our systems she has said things like 'That's not the only number I want' and 'I want all your numbers'. At first I thought nothing of it as I was focused on my work but now wonder if she was after my phone number.

 

Have you got any more green lights I should be looking out for?

 

Should I leave it and see what happens on the night out?

[Bastile]

Bastile,

 

No I've never dated a woman from work before. She tends to get annoyed and ups the ante if I ignore her.

 

It's just that judging by her behavior last Wednesday and Friday. In that there was a marked increase in her flirting to the point where I'm sure others were noticing I also could sense she was thinking about something relating to the night out. I even turned to my work mate who had also noticed that she was being more flirtatious and said 'she's planning something, I can feel it.' I must stress that I did not engage in her flirting as I was too busy and focused on my work.

 

Another thing she has said in the past is when I have given her my PIN number to login to one of our systems she has said things like 'That's not the only number I want' and 'I want all your numbers'. At first I thought nothing of it as I was focused on my work but now wonder if she was after my phone number.

 

Have you got any more green lights I should be looking out for?

 

Should I leave it and see what happens on the night out?

 

 

Ask her out. But, expect the tomfoolery at your workplace to be increased ten-fold.

 

Don't say that you weren't warned

[rh205]

Thanks Bastile, I'll see if shes still going to the night out when I see her on Monday. If I do have a relationship with her I'll make it clear that I dont want any funny business in the workplace.

 

Also if I do start dating her is it worth telling my manager or not?

[rh205]

If anyone else has any thoughts on this then please add them below.

 

Anyone know what other 'green flags' I should look out for?

Edited May 19, 2017 by rh205

[dangerous]

You finally offer to go for drinks after months upon months and she's enthusiastic about it, then you decided to throw coworkers in it:lmao: What are you doing?

 

Unbelievable! Are you a man?! lol

[rh205]

Yes I am a man, dangerous. This night out was arranged by someone else as a leaving party and at first I didn't want to go but she was constantly asking me to go so I didn't 'throw co-workers in it', I simply decided I'll go if it makes her happy.

[elaine567]

Yes I am a man, dangerous. This night out was arranged by someone else as a leaving party and at first I didn't want to go but she was constantly asking me to go so I didn't 'throw co-workers in it', I simply decided I'll go if it makes her happy.

 

So not a real date then.

Are you sure she was interested in you and not just drumming up support for the leaving party?

[rh205]

I'm pretty sure she is interested and not just drumming up support as there have been others around when asking me to go to the party but she didn't ask them or appear interested in asking them. Her attention was directed towards me the whole time and others noticed this and made comments about it to me when she wasn't around. She keeps on asking me and has been insistent that I sit next to her as described in a post above.

[rh205]

Anymore help and advice on this would be most welcome.

[OatsAndHall]

Anymore help and advice on this would be most welcome.

 

There appears to be the potential for a great deal of drama and risk involved in this situation. I have read through your posts and each situation sounds like a step closer to a soap opera at work. She flirts with you, talks you up to colleagues, gets frustrated when you back off from her but she might have a boyfriend... I think that you would be risking a lot by getting involved in a workplace romance with this woman. I doubt it would be a quiet, discrete relationship which is what you need if you're going to date a co-worker.

 

But, I have decided that I will not date co-workers. I asked a co-worker out in the middle of last fall and there have been little issues that have arisen ever since then. She flirted with me and mentioned going out so I asked her out. I never heard from her and I was never angry about it. Little issues popped up all year long because of it and they culminated into a bigger one this last week. She just broke up with a boyfriend and has been texting me. I have politely responded but am keeping her at arm's length as I am seeing someone else and I really don't care to date this co-worker. This has apparently upset her and she won't hang out with any of of the other staff members when I am around. She won't attend social events if I am there either. It is noticeable, people are talking about it and I don't like it. Two people have asked me about it and I tell them that I don't know what is going on with her. Several teachers that have always been friendly with me have been quite cold over the last few weeks. I have no idea what she is telling them and I am just riding out the last week of school so that it goes away.

[rh205]

Thanks OatsAndHall for your reply.

 

The latest is that some of the male night staff were talking about how they approach women and my mate decided to blurt out to them how he told me to just ask her directly what she thought of me. Up until he did that they didn't know anything and so it had all started to settle down.

 

The problem is he has probably told the worst two people ever as one is very opinionated and the other is the work gossip. Apparently my mate has been told that the opinionated one is going to drag me aside and have a chat with me. My mate doesn’t know why but wonders if it’s just to say ‘don’t follow his advice’ as he got a bit funny and said ‘no, that’s rubbish advice’. As for the work gossip my mate has noticed that he doesn’t appear to get on with the woman in question and she appears to keep him at arm’s length despite him continually trying to befriend her. So hopefully it won’t get back to her through the gossip.

 

So not only do I have to go in tomorrow not knowing whether the dust has settled from the incident on the Friday before my leave, I may now have to deal with the damage caused by my mate saying something he wasn’t meant to.

[smackie9]

Good lord with those kind of coworkers in your midst, please refrain from dating any coworker. It will be nothing but trouble.

 

You are a dummy to think she won't hear about it or some other embellished crap.

[rh205]

Im pretty sure that she already knows but I'm not sure if the gossip will tell her. As I once described it to a co-worker 'he was cock-blocked by her'. By that I mean he was flirting like hell with her but she was having none of it. So I sense they don't get on too well.

Edited May 21, 2017 by rh205