kaiten geri Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Hi all, Well I just want to hear opinion on my case which is a bit odd. I am not confortable talking about that to my friends especially since only a few close ones hear my story and I don't think a therapist can help with that so I try forum, thanks in advance if you take time to read my post and provide me with your opinion. So when I was a young teen I was abused/molested. I was not a tough guy and I collapsed after that and developed a mental illness that laster around 8 years. Life was hard, I prefer not to provide to much detail but let's say that I manage to get to school and find a good job but I swallow a lot of pill, and went to a lot of psychiatrist hospital during holidays to recover. So with all of that and the trauma to overcome, I never was in a relationship. Time pass, family is gone and it is my 4th years being alone in christmas and even if a close friend brings me in with his new wife and family, I don't want to be a burden for other. Yet, on a emotional level, I feel a bit lonely from times to times. That being said, wanted to know if in your opinion it is to late to look for someone at my age (31) knowing that I never been in a relationship in my life, I have not a single clue of how this damn things works I had this issue and it is a bit frigthening to me, like I don't really knows how to explain it as it is not really about being confident, I work on that to overcome my fears for works. I also did a lot of martial arts to manage stress and so on. It is just that you know, it is not natural for me to flirt, like I spend most of my life avoiding that and protect me from that. It is hard to put words on it but it is like you try to avoid a situation for years and now you need to find a way to be in that situation in a sense, that is strange for me. So ultimately, I would like to know if you think some people might be ok with all of that or if it is just too late or that people will not going to be ok with all that stuff which I totaly understand, I mean it is like giving time to learn a 31 y/o guy to swim in a sense Then, if you believe that I might find someone, do you get advice/tip on how you are supposed to do that cause I'm really clueless lol I understand that the chances might be very limited and that I will probably have to move on, which I'm ok with. It is just that I don't have someone to talk about that and I don't like talk about that in person with friends cause well, I feel that I have to discover my friends and I don't want to bring back memories that I burried deep down, I moved on from them but old scar hardly totaly ill. Thanks in advance for your opinion/help
preraph Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 What you need is a male mentor. Do you attend church? If so, please tell the pastor your story and see if he has any ideas for someone to mentor you and give you advice. If not church, call your local police and see if they have any community programs for mentoring. Likely this would just be playing ball with them and stuff, but you'd have their ear. It's sad but I just looked and can't find any official mentoring camps for anyone but teens and kids. Truly, there are a lot of guys who are inexperienced in their late 20s and even in their 30s and beyond who need some mentoring. Since you've been in the psychiatric system, you might ask around to see if there are any groups that deal with confidence and anxiety. But the answer is yes, you can certainly start out now trying to date. You are actually in your prime for dating right now. But your fears may hold you back. I will advise you do not tell any new date that she is your first or that you are inexperienced. They truly cannot tell because every man is so different from the next that one can seem inexperienced who isn't and vice versa. My best advice is to join as many groups, church, activities, hobbies, and interests that bring you in contact with people, because that is how you will get to know someone easiest. How are you with making friends? Sounds like you have friends, so I believe if you can have friends, you can also date.
Author kaiten geri Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 Well mate, thank you for taking the time to read my stuff and answer me. I attend church but I doubt a priest will help me with that since he can potentially end up in a sin. For what I see a lot of people tend to make love without being married so I will have to give him my word that I will look for marriage and I'm not even sure for what I'm looking (for sure not plain sex as I want more someone to care) but well you understand the thing. As far as it goes for Police, I live in a huge city and they have other thing to do. Concerning activities, I have some like I train muay thai and go to the gym a lot so I have lot of training partners and we hang out from times to times. Also got other friend that I made during work so I also hang out with them and girls, I don't deal only with men but it is just that it must be different to get friend and girlfriend I believe and I'm a bit clueless as you are supposed to learn that when you are a teen and I have to deal with my issue back then. I understand that I should not tell anything about my story and my inexperience as it will surely making sound like a ****ing creep even if I'm not I don't know, maybe I should try ask one of my closest friend how you are supposed to do that. I would have love to ask my dad but he is not here anymore (may he rest in peace). Anyway, if you believe that can be done, I will try to give it a shot. Thanks man
preraph Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Do you have any uncles or anything like that that you are comfortable talking to? It would be nice if you just had a father figure, you know. But I am glad to hear you have a group of male friends and are fitting in there, because I think that means you are socially perfectly able to begin talking to women. Now, I am a woman, by the way, an old experienced one. Didn't want to mislead you. I think to start, just be sure you put yourself in a group setting where you will meet women just as friends and just get used to just talking to them, you know, in general. If any act particularly interested or talk to you more than others, you might flirt a little, which is nothing more than treating them like a lady rather than a gym buddy. If you are not in a group setting to meet and mingle with women, start something new, like join a hiking group or take a cooking class, or take a weekend job in retail where women in your age group will work, like a clothing store or restaurant. It's easier to attract someone when they see you on a regular basis and learn what you're like slowly like that. Good luck. You have a good personality. I think you'll do fine once you just get your feet wet.
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