Maisiedaisy Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 I don't even know if this is in the right place to post this. I need to understand what's wrong with me and what's wrong with him. We used to be together for two years. He dumped me. We've been doing FB for about 9 years. We go on holidays together, spend weekends together- I even went to his father's 50th birthday party not too long ago. He tells me to my face he doesn't love me and never will but I'm his best friend, we have great sex and he would be gutted if we ever stopped seeing each other. He doesn't care if I see other guys - he doesn't love me despite everything he has said and everything we've done together. I've tried to stay away - we didn't speak to see each other for about 14 months but he eventually got back in touch and we went right back to our routine. We've tried not having sex and just being friends but it doesn't work. He has been fired from three jobs, he cheated on his ex with me. He went to uni and I don't think he reached his potential there but he doesn't keep in touch with anybody from there. I don't know who he speaks to or sees apart from me. I wonder if there's almost some mental block with him- he doesn't want to let anyone in? He hasnt dated. I also want to understand why I can't seem to gather up the self esteem and self respect to leave this behind. I haven't met anyone else that interests me. I don't even know if I love him or I'm just desperate to have him back for ego reasons. What is wrong with us? Why can't we break this? 1
frigginlost Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 I don't even know if this is in the right place to post this. I need to understand what's wrong with me and what's wrong with him. We used to be together for two years. He dumped me. We've been doing FB for about 9 years. We go on holidays together, spend weekends together- I even went to his father's 50th birthday party not too long ago. He tells me to my face he doesn't love me and never will but I'm his best friend, we have great sex and he would be gutted if we ever stopped seeing each other. He doesn't care if I see other guys - he doesn't love me despite everything he has said and everything we've done together. I've tried to stay away - we didn't speak to see each other for about 14 months but he eventually got back in touch and we went right back to our routine. We've tried not having sex and just being friends but it doesn't work. He has been fired from three jobs, he cheated on his ex with me. He went to uni and I don't think he reached his potential there but he doesn't keep in touch with anybody from there. I don't know who he speaks to or sees apart from me. I wonder if there's almost some mental block with him- he doesn't want to let anyone in? He hasnt dated. I also want to understand why I can't seem to gather up the self esteem and self respect to leave this behind. I haven't met anyone else that interests me. I don't even know if I love him or I'm just desperate to have him back for ego reasons. What is wrong with us? Why can't we break this? This is going to sting: There is no "us". It is only you. He has been honest and up front with you and it is only you that can't see it. His denials of you are causing you to try to attach even harder. Why? How was your relationship with your father and your mother? 2
Author Maisiedaisy Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 This is going to sting: There is no "us". It is only you. He has been honest and up front with you and it is only you that can't see it. His denials of you are causing you to try to attach even harder. Why? How was your relationship with your father? My dad cheated on every woman he was ever with and got thrown out when I was 4. I saw him regularly as a child but my then stepmother hated us (my brother and I) so would make it difficult for us all. He said he couldn't come to my graduation as he was going on holiday with his new wife. He did come in the end when i told him he hurt me. We are in a much better place now.
frigginlost Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 My dad cheated on every woman he was ever with and got thrown out when I was 4. I saw him regularly as a child but my then stepmother hated us (my brother and I) so would make it difficult for us all. He said he couldn't come to my graduation as he was going on holiday with his new wife. He did come in the end when i told him he hurt me. We are in a much better place now. Firstly, I'm so sorry that you had such a tumultuous childhood. No child should ever have to deal with that kind of environment. Secondly, your answer to why you can't quit him is in your post. You were basically abandoned in your formative years. Your reactions to him because of that believe it or not, sound normal and it does not make you crazy. The good news is that it is something you can work through. It's not easy, but it can be done. Have you ever thought about seeking a little therapy to help you navigate your feelings? 1
Author Maisiedaisy Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 Firstly, I'm so sorry that you had such a tumultuous childhood. No child should ever have to deal with that kind of environment. Secondly, your answer to why you can't quit him is in your post. You were basically abandoned in your formative years. Your reactions to him because of that believe it or not, sound normal and it does not make you crazy. The good news is that it is something you can work through. It's not easy, but it can be done. Have you ever thought about seeking a little therapy to help you navigate your feelings? I haven't tbh. Lots of other things happened when I was younger too but I've never thought it's anything to do with my relationship with this guy now. I just thought Id found the only man for me- I'm not really interested in anyone else. As I'm on pretty good terms with both parents now I didn't think I had sent issues from childhood....
Author Maisiedaisy Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 You need to quit him. It's really that simple. An alcoholic or a chain-smoker doesn't quit by cutting back, or quitting for a while and giving in to temptation later. I can't decide to shoot up heroin and go to rehab every year. We don't get to keep part of our gangrenous limbs or tumor-infested organs. Quitting is a lifelong cast-iron decision and principle, fueled by willpower that comes from the knowledge that something is deadly for you in any amount. Wow what an analogy! I really want to finish this and stop but I can't understand what it is that makes me go back. I haven't had an adult relationship my entire life and I'm coming up 28. All I've managed is this and some sex with random guys who then ditch me for someone they actually care about.
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