post-breakup questions that emerged

[oddoneout]

hey guys this is my first post here. i'm not sure if this is the right place for this so just tell me if it ain't.

 

i have posted this on another forums but it seems people there can't give some insight so i wanna try my luck here. i'm not gonna dive into details that much but this is still gonna be a mouthful.

 

after weeks of no contact (1st NC) i was able to talk with my ex-gf. we talked for some time until it escalated safely into our past relationship. i told her that i was sorry for everything and that i appreciate the breakup and have come in terms with it gracefully. i also brought up that a mutual friend of ours told me that she's not happy with me anymore and that's why she broke up. she clarified that she was indeed happy with me, she was not happy what's becoming of the relationship because she believes we were becoming "too dependent" with each other, that we were losing our own identity so she have to break it off saying it was the "best" for the both of us.

 

she said she still treats me as a friend. i told her that i think i can't be friends with her because the feeling would not be sincere and genuine enough since i still have deep feelings for her. if we continue with the friendship it may look like i'm a guy with an ulterior motive in the friendship or a guy hoping for the hopeless and i feel it would be wrong on so many levels. i'm not trying and planning to achieve anything, i just want to protect my dignity, maintain my self-respect and prevent any more painful wounds and hurt.

 

i asked her if she only now sees me as a friend which she replied to me "don't ask questions like that, it's so much unfair." asked her why it was "unfair" and she just answered me "you didn't want to be friends". also asked her if she can visualize me of seeing me only as a friend which she answered she doesn't know. as a final question in our conversation, i asked her if she's really serious about wanting to give that friendship a shot despite the given circumstances and she said she wants to move on first before giving it a shot.

 

TL;DR had a talk with my ex-gf of almost 7 years, clarified the main reason of the break up was because of we depended(?) too much with each other, she was reluctant to answer my friendship-related questions and she wants to be friends with me once she's moved on. i have come into terms with her decision that she doesn't want to reconcile and doesn't want us back together. i just want preserve and protect myself from anything hurtful since i've already lost so much. yes, i did receive closure buti feel it's lackluster and i could not say if it's a proper one since this only happened over text messaging.

 

so here are some questions:

 

1) can "depending too much" with each other be a sign of codependency, from which i hear is unhealthy? can someone give me some insight in this since i am new to this codependency.

 

2) why would she say that it was "unfair" to ask that? and why did she suddenly get upset that i can't be friends with her?

 

3) if she is so adamant to her views of me of only as a friend, then why is she reluctant to answer the questions i gave? is there something preventing her from answering?

 

4) why would she be so bothered if "i don't want to be friends" even though most of our mutual friends are already with her, forcing me to find my own. i am just one person compared to our mutual friends who's now hanging out with her.

 

5) is it selfish of her when she said she still wants to be friends with me? does she want to be still involved with me even though she broke up with me? why?

 

6) during the conversation she always tells me "do you what you need to do to move on and feel better." what gives?

 

i'm really having a hard time moving on since i feel she hasn't been thorough with her answers to me. it feels like she wants me to find the answers on my own. if anyone has a similar situation on any of what i told (or all), i welcome any insight that can help. thank you.

Edited February 27, 2017 by oddoneout

[Redstar91]

From what I've learned these last few weeks after my first serious relationship ended, is stop asking yourself such questions. Every time you think you'll have some closure, more questions emerge. Some things can not be explained, better just let it go.

 

- Depending too much on one another is not a bad thing if you find a good balance. But that does not mean your partner feels the same. It's a BS excuse to flee imho.

 

- Guilt from her part. Do what you think will feels best. Don't become her doormat/emotional outlet

 

- She does not know it herself is my best guess.

 

- Because she still wants to keep you in her life

 

- In my opinion, yes. She puts her feelings first.

 

- She tries to get the upper hand over you.

 

Just let her go on her own for now. Live your own life. Don't let her keep you on the hook.

[oddoneout]

i've never depended too much of her for my own happiness. i can be happy on my own but of course i'm happier with her. i've never stopped her from anything she wants to do (e.g. hanging out with her own friends) when we were still together. if something bad is up i always help her out to the utmost of my ability, in one way or another.

 

most people i've talked about this says the same, that it was a pathetic and lousy of a reason for the breakup.

 

i don't know how guilt is on play here, can you explain?

 

i don't think i can be in her life anymore. she broke up with me for some reason that she sees is justifiable and i respect that. i don't think i can see someone that i have been intimate and passionate with together with somebody else or at least together but not on the same disposition anymore. it would be like shooting myself in the face.

 

relapse after two months of healing. this sucks.

[Maldives]

From what I've learned these last few weeks after my first serious relationship ended, is stop asking yourself such questions. Every time you think you'll have some closure, more questions emerge. Some things can not be explained, better just let it go.

 

- Depending too much on one another is not a bad thing if you find a good balance. But that does not mean your partner feels the same. It's a BS excuse to flee imho.

 

- Guilt from her part. Do what you think will feels best. Don't become her doormat/emotional outlet

 

- She does not know it herself is my best guess.

 

- Because she still wants to keep you in her life

 

- In my opinion, yes. She puts her feelings first.

 

- She tries to get the upper hand over you.

 

Just let her go on her own for now. Live your own life. Don't let her keep you on the hook.

 

I'd say that's spot in the money. It's an excuse a lacklustre one at that she just wants out for watever reason. I don't know wat that reason is if u were good to her in the relationship then this is a pretty piss week excuse to bail. She just wants out let her go. Ask ureself this if she have u a valid reason and the end result was her not wanting a relationship wth u is it really gonnaare u feel better or worse? There lies ur answer for closure even if it makes sense it's not gonna take any of the pain away ur feeling wat we all feel wen we get dumped rejection stay strong and leave her be process the emotions and go thru the pain till ur strong enough to start focusing on ureself and we'll being try and keep fit that's my advice it helps process the breakup oxygen going to the brain works wonders.

[ExpatInItaly]

What you are describing is not really codependency. Do a quick internet search to get a good definition, because it seems a lot of people misuse and misunderstand the term.

 

What your ex is likely trying to say - in a very roundabout way - is that she wants her freedom. She doesn't want to be accountable for your happiness, she wants to do what she wants, when she wants. When she says it's best for both of you, what she's actually saying is that this is best for her. Honestly, it's also typical reason many dumpers cite when they've lost interest in the relationship. Sometimes these things really do just run their course. Would you rather have her tell you she's just not into you anymore?

 

Try not to put too much stock into what she says about being friends. It won't be possible right now, anyway. You clearly still have feelings for her, so trying to maintain a friendship likely won't go well at this point. It's not always easy for dumpers to walk away either, so she gets upset because she does care about you. She's learning a new normal too. It can still hurt, even though she knows she wanted to end it. I'm sure she does get why you don't want to be friends right now.

 

Stay strong, OP. She's told you to move on because that's what she is doing. Time to go back to No Contact.

[oddoneout]

thanks for reading this long post guys. i really appreciate it and i appreciate you giving me insight. it's hard to believe that she really lost interest with me. she was free to do what she wants when we were still together. maybe you're right that she just wants out of the relationship, using the "best for us" reason just for me to let go. it's been a rough path since she didn't give me a proper closure (i thought she did at first, but questions kept popping up). i also realized how selfish she is. frankly, i'd rather hear a hard truth if it will help me in the long run...

[preraph]

My feeling is she thinks you are too dependent on her and clingy. I think she was couching it so as not to just cast all the blame on you. I don't think she wants any romance with you anymore. I think she would only be friends if she thought you would stay at arm's length and not demand much time. I don't think you should be friends with her. I think you should move on and just go no contact to make it easier on yourself. I'm sorry for your pain.

[oddoneout]

Actually that what I thought at first that I may have been too clingy or depended too much of her but after giving it some serious thought for a long time, no I wasN'T clingy nor have I depended too much on her. Maybe she have perceived it differently or making me want to believe I was too dependent so she have a reason to use on me. We are on the same book about rejecting the friendship she offered. I dont rly like the idea or feeling of friends that only keeps contact on u because they need something from u.

Edited February 28, 2017 by oddoneout

[fromheart]

I'm going to be really honest with you here.

 

The friendship is you settling for scraps from the table. It makes you out to be weak, and she will disrespect you for it. It will turn her off, and it will turn off any new women you meet. They will feel that you are a man who settles for less than what he's worth.

 

She's only saying that she'll be friends to ease her guilt of dumping you, and to try and make it easy for you. 'Move on,' means her seeing other men, if she's not seeing other men already.

 

Reading through your thread you've come to this conclusion. Go NC, move on and be happy.

[BC1980]

1) can "depending too much" with each other be a sign of codependency, from which i hear is unhealthy? can someone give me some insight in this since i am new to this codependency.

 

Codependency means that you don't have an identity apart from the other person, and you rely on them emotionally. It shows up a lot in relationships where one person has an addiction, and the other person is the caretaker. The person that is the caretaker feels that the addict needs them and has no identity outside of being their caretaker. From what you said, I don't see that in your relationship, but you'd have to share more details.

 

When she said you were relying too much on one another, that might have been code for you smothering her. Basically, you were more into the relationship than her. That's what it boils down to.

[BC1980]

6) during the conversation she always tells me "do you what you need to do to move on and feel better." what gives?.

 

This means she doesn't care either way. She can take a friendship with you or leave it. That's a really bad sign because she is ambivalent. It would be better if she hated you, but she doesn't even have any strong emotions towards you. It's the kiss of death. Anytime a dumper is okay being friends with you, that's a bad sign because it means they don't need to have time away to get over you.

[oddoneout]

This means she doesn't care either way. She can take a friendship with you or leave it. That's a really bad sign because she is ambivalent. It would be better if she hated you, but she doesn't even have any strong emotions towards you. It's the kiss of death. Anytime a dumper is okay being friends with you, that's a bad sign because it means they don't need to have time away to get over you.

 

i forgot to mention it has been 2 months already since the breakup, so some time has already passed but i'm not sure if that would contribute to her answers though. i remember her saying just recently that she treats me as a friend but the contact should stop. she told me she wants to be friends after she'd moved on. wayback, she did hate me the first month after the breakup since i wanted to talk with her personally (attempted twice with long intervals in between). also threatened me twice that she'd block me in fb but didn't pushed through. still wondering why she didn't do it though and i think i'd feel much at peace if she did.

 

there was this time earlier in the relationship that i admit i have been codependent with her making me the "addict" and her the "caretaker" but i've managed to overcome it. i'm not really an outgoing person so i can't say that i have that much friends to go out with but i do have my own hobby and things going on which makes me happy whenever i engage on them.

 

but about halfway 2016, there have been an incident that happened with her family. her mom lost her job and she became the bread winner of the family. her mom was also facing charges from her psycho boss making things alot more difficult. i don't have a job yet during that time but i do have a sideline going on every weekend where i earn money. aside from that i also accept commissioned props for cosplay and i also earn money from that. since what i earn there is too much to what i actually need, i lend her of how much of what she needs whenever she have a financial problem or shortage for the week. it actually doesn't bother me since money is really not much of a concern to me and i love her that much i'll go out of my way to help her and her family. i fully understand her situation since my own family have been through the same **** before. it's just through the hard work of my father and along with my eldest sister we managed to live the life we have now (and now owns an expensive car). we still manage to date and go out during the weekends, most of the time with friends and i still do my own thing and hobbies when were not together. during the same time we were also going to a review center for our upcoming board examinations. it's not free but i've provided for her financially. because of hard work and luck, we both passed the board exam and i was very happy for the both of us. a week after the results came out, i heard news that the charges against her mom were dropped and dismissed due to lack of evidence. it was a happy month for her and i was indeed very happy for her and her family. she said that she's not stressed that much at work anymore because of what happened. so after these tedious events, normal lives together continued until few days after Christmas when she finally broke up with me.

 

i guess this might shed some light to the "dependent too much" thing she might have been saying. it may be evident that this time she was the "addict" and i was the "caretaker". but even though this happened, i don't feel that i've been robbed of my identity since i still feel the same me unlike what she's trying to imply.

Edited March 1, 2017 by oddoneout
details of story

[oddoneout]

here's the details. sorry if i haven't posted it before.