A question of timing messages

[Minestie]

Hi guys and girls! So I've been having this issue and I want you to tell me if you think I've done the right thing.

 

There's this girl that I've been on three dates with, and she keeps disappearing between them.

 

She takes over 24h between messages, though I try to write simple things that only require a few words to answer and are not a hassle to type. To be fair, when she does reply, it's usually very long, well-written, intricate messages (and I know she's really slow at typing on her cellphone).

 

At the end of our last date (after she slept over), she expressly said that "she will let me know when she has time to meet again", and the she "wants to meet again", and then she disappeared.

 

At one point, at 4 am (about 14h after she left my place), she sent me a video of her arm bleeding as a result of falling on a broken piece of glass, and so I replied immediately (in under a minute), asking if there is anything I can do. She said no, so I replied again immediately, and told her to let me know if that changes.

 

(This last reply of mine consisted of about 64 words spread throughout 7 short messages as opposed to her 32 in one message.)

 

She answered that morning at 9 (after only sleeping for about 4 hours, presumably) and I replied twice, once at 11 asking a regular super-quick question and once via voice message at about 2 pm offering to cook for her since her arm is now unusable.

 

She proceeded to ignore me until the next day at about 11 (today), when she wrote one of her signature long messages (telling me she doesn't need help cooking). I replied 1.5h later with a longish message, though I specifically took care to make it about half as long as hers.

 

Do you think I'm going too hard on her? Do you think I should lay low or wait longer between messages? I only replied so fast the day before yesterday because I thought she was having an emergency - was that a mistake? And if not, do you think I should have still waited for longer than 1.5h before answering her today?

 

I really don't want to scare this girl off and I don't know what to do! I'd appreciate any input.

 

Some context:

 

- in the past, she used to disappear for up to 3 days between dates. By comparison, we're doing "well" right now - though I don't know if that's much of an improvement.

 

- she never confirmed me as a friend on Facebook though I've added her almost 3 weeks ago, which makes me wonder if there's something big she's hiding (I will ask about this next time I see her, I don't know how to do it without ruining the mood, but I'll figure something out, I should be good at this).

 

- she's an extremely spontaneous, very disorganized person who has no idea where she will be in two hours, let alone two days.

 

- she was in a big accident last year and her flatmates had to take care of her for months (including helping her shower, etc). She has an extreeemely close relationship with her flatmates, so much so that she felt the need to refer to them by name when writing me, probably so that I know it's not just one person (cause if it were 1 person, she'd be spending 90% of her time with him).

 

- she often tells me she has no time to see me, even cancelled our 2nd date and got there 1h late on our 1st because she "didn't have time", then she tells me she went to my town 7 times in the 5 days leading up to the cancelled date - and not for work, just parties and drinks and stuff.

 

This is what really originally triggered my insecurity - the fact that I seem to be super-low on her list of priorities. This, combined with the Facebook thing and the fact that she doesn't want me to come to her town (which I'm assuming is because she isn't ready for me to meet her flatmates).

 

On the other hand, whenever we meet she's toootally into it, she's the most lovely person ever, and she gives me her full attention!

 

All in all - I don't know what to make of this! It's like she has a RL personality and a totally different one online! Do you think I ****ed it up by overwhelming her with too much attention?

[preraph]

I think you're OCD, man. You're counting the words in messages, for crying out loud. You need to stop overthinking. You can ask her if the pace of your making contact is comfortable for her, or too much, or too little and adjust accordingly, but counting words in messages is really OCD.

[Minestie]

I think you're OCD, man. You're counting the words in messages, for crying out loud. You need to stop overthinking. You can ask her if the pace of your making contact is comfortable for her, or too much, or too little and adjust accordingly, but counting words in messages is really OCD.

 

Haha I should have clarified - I have an app that does that automatically due to developer tools on my cell I can also see how many words this reply has

[preraph]

Good. Now stop using that app. It's absolutely pointless. Different people communicate different ways. I'm long-winded and won't text when I can email because I can talk as fast as I can think.

[Minestie]

Good. Now stop using that app. It's absolutely pointless. Different people communicate different ways. I'm long-winded and won't text when I can email because I can talk as fast as I can think.

 

I'm using it for work, man! It doesn't just count words, it helps with coding. Fine, though, I will make a point of deactivating it before I text people!

 

You are certainly right that I am overthinking this, I'm writing this thread partially as therapy to get it out and stop worrying about this.

[preraph]

Try to just relax. She sounds busy. If she is not overly interested, well, there's nothing you can do about it, really. When she's with you, she's fun, so probably just busy. But you may also consider that maybe she's not looking for a big obligated 24/7 type relationship or just wants to keep it light and fun. But these are things you can talk about as you get to know her. Good luck.

[Minestie]

Try to just relax. She sounds busy. If she is not overly interested, well, there's nothing you can do about it, really. When she's with you, she's fun, so probably just busy. But you may also consider that maybe she's not looking for a big obligated 24/7 type relationship or just wants to keep it light and fun. But these are things you can talk about as you get to know her. Good luck.

 

That's some really good, thoughtful and mature advice, thanks a lot for that!

 

To be honest, I'm not looking for a 24/7 relationship either, I just need to quench my insecurity because I'm usually in the position to reject people rather than the other way around. In the end almost everything people do wrong goes back to insecurity, in my opinion.

[Make-A-Difference]

In answer to your first question. If the message is a 'priority 1' aka she is hurt or in trouble. Answer straight away.

 

Other than that, I think you need to change the way she prioritizes you.

 

You mentioned the dates are good and she's is into you. Cool. Now make your self busy. Don't message her for like a day or two. Girls like the chase so don't be too available. Go out with mates and "seem" busy even if you're not.

 

I bet she starts to wonder.

 

By the way. Never be 'dickish' in messages, and never just blow her off these things girls hate.

[Minestie]

In answer to your first question. If the message is a 'priority 1' aka she is hurt or in trouble. Answer straight away.

 

Other than that, I think you need to change the way she prioritizes you.

 

You mentioned the dates are good and she's is into you. Cool. Now make your self busy. Don't message her for like a day or two. Girls like the chase so don't be too available. Go out with mates and "seem" busy even if you're not.

 

I bet she starts to wonder.

 

By the way. Never be 'dickish' in messages, and never just blow her off these things girls hate.

 

You've also hit the nail on the head. I am self-employed and in my freest period in living memory.

 

She knows this, and she knows it won't last forever - I think it just so happens that she's in the opposite situation right now. This is what I was worried about, that I seemed too eager.

 

I will definitely make sure to fix this from now on. I would, by the way, never be dickish or blow people off. I know the difference between busy and a jerk

 

Thank you for your input! Really appreciated.

[biker23]

Wow. Relax dude. You are really over the top and clingy. Even on this board you are responding in under 5 mins to each reply. Girls HATE that.

 

The advice above on being busy is right on. Mirror her actions and attentiveness. Again, be busy, dont be a jerk. (if you understand me)

 

If she asks a question in a text, then answer it after some time, but dont start a new conversation straight away. If she took a day or 2, then try to wait a day.

 

The frustration is getting a commitment for another date. Sounds like it needs to be spontaneous. Honestly if she wants to see you then she will plan and make the time. I once asked a girl why she was so difficult in between dates to nail down, she said she didnt want to act overly interested when she wasnt sure if she was. Quite an honest response but also a bit of a game.

[wheream_i]

I thought only chicks complained about this.

[VeveCakes]

Please watch the movie "He's Just Not That Into You".

 

For real, she's just not that into you.

 

She's replying when she is bored and no one else to talk to.

 

Sorry to be harsh but when someone is interested the conversation will flow and you won't feel the need to count words.

 

Also, if you are afraid to scare someone off then you already know where you stand and it's not in a good place.

[Minestie]

Wow. Relax dude. You are really over the top and clingy. Even on this board you are responding in under 5 mins to each reply. Girls HATE that.

I am on a train, I don't exactly have a lot of better things to do. I will get off in about 15 minutes, so I won't reply to everything after that I obviously do not reply to her the way I reply here.

 

The advice above on being busy is right on. Mirror her actions and attentiveness. Again, be busy, dont be a jerk. (if you understand me)

I am mirroring her, the only two times I didn't was right after her injury and possibly yesterday (and I instantly got worried about having done that - which is why I wrote all of this).

 

If she asks a question in a text, then answer it after some time, but dont start a new conversation straight away. If she took a day or 2, then try to wait a day.

I've done that so far. I generally never start a new conversation, but rather maintain the one at hand by asking questions where appropriate. I'm a creative guy, I've never lacked interesting topics as long as there is a minimum of engagement on my interlocutor's part.

 

The frustration is getting a commitment for another date. Sounds like it needs to be spontaneous. Honestly if she wants to see you then she will plan and make the time. I once asked a girl why she was so difficult in between dates to nail down, she said she didnt want to act overly interested when she wasnt sure if she was. Quite an honest response but also a bit of a game.

That is spot-on. Moral of the story: I need to stop caring about it. Got it. I mean, what have I even got to lose? I barely know this girl.

 

What a lot of people seem not to realize is that I actually agree with most of the points presented here. I just need to talk about it to convince myself of their correctness - which is exactly what we're doing here. It's a process. This is good. Thank you for your input!

[Minestie]

Please watch the movie "He's Just Not That Into You". For real, she's just not that into you. She's replying when she is bored and no one else to talk to.

That is not the case according to her behaviour in real life. As an example, she seemed almost offended when I asked whether she wanted to meet again after our last date. "Of course I would?!?" best describes her reaction.

 

Sorry to be harsh but when someone is interested the conversation will flow and you won't feel the need to count words.

Again with the counting of words. My phone does that automatically because of developer tools installed on it (not for conversation, but for work). People seem to get distracted by that, I should have never mentioned the word count in the original post.

 

Also, if you are afraid to scare someone off then you already know where you stand and it's not in a good place.

Now that's the first part that I actually agree with.

 

I thought only chicks complained about this.

Who said I'm not a lesbian?

(I'm not)

Edited February 27, 2017 by Minestie

[Versacehottie]

Wow. Relax dude. You are really over the top and clingy. Even on this board you are responding in under 5 mins to each reply. Girls HATE that.

 

The advice above on being busy is right on. Mirror her actions and attentiveness. Again, be busy, dont be a jerk. (if you understand me)

 

If she asks a question in a text, then answer it after some time, but dont start a new conversation straight away. If she took a day or 2, then try to wait a day.

 

The frustration is getting a commitment for another date. Sounds like it needs to be spontaneous. Honestly if she wants to see you then she will plan and make the time. I once asked a girl why she was so difficult in between dates to nail down, she said she didnt want to act overly interested when she wasnt sure if she was. Quite an honest response but also a bit of a game.

 

Chiming in to say, we don't typically hate that if it's from a guy we like. Lots of times it's the guys we have already decided we are not into that respond super quickly like that, further reinforcing the belief that they are just not "it". Tricky to figure out which category you are in--the way she responds tells a lot of that story. Slow to respond is not so stuck on you. If you don't know where you stand nor have a suspicion how much she is into you, default to little longer between messages and a little less chatty. That will help. Maybe tip you into the "i like him" category.

[TheTraveler]

Moral of the story: I need to stop caring about it. Got it. I mean, what have I even got to lose? I barely know this girl.

 

What a lot of people seem not to realize is that I actually agree with most of the points presented here. I just need to talk about it to convince myself of their correctness - which is exactly what we're doing here. It's a process. This is good. Thank you for your input!

 

Go on some other dates, like yesterday.

 

She's not giving you the time and affection, hence you're drawn to it i.e. obsessing over her and you're trying your best to change the situation

[GemmaUK]

If any guy sends me 7 texts to my one then I'll be telling him to slow it down big time.

 

She has done this - she told you she will let you know when she is free and that yes she does want to meet again. Sounds crystal clear to me.

 

She sounds very much like me - I don't want a pile of meaningless texts between dates either.

For one thing I just don't have time to keep texting all day and it gets boring really quickly.

[Minestie]

If any guy sends me 7 texts to my one then I'll be telling him to slow it down big time.

 

She has done this - she told you she will let you know when she is free and that yes she does want to meet again. Sounds crystal clear to me.

 

She sounds very much like me - I don't want a pile of meaningless texts between dates either.

For one thing I just don't have time to keep texting all day and it gets boring really quickly.

 

I know! You see, this is why I mentioned the word count that so many people seem to be hating on. My 7 messages were literally:

 

"okay, I understand"

"let me know if there is anything I can do"

"I am going home from a party right now"

"but I have my phone with me, so if you need me call me"

"and of course, I am sure sleeping will help"

"let me know how it goes and good nigth!"

"night * "

 

Those were my 7 texts, right after she sent me a video of her arm with a big gaping hole in it bleeding like a fountain.

 

Not quite as scary when you put it this way, is it?

[Minestie]

Chiming in to say, we don't typically hate that if it's from a guy we like. Lots of times it's the guys we have already decided we are not into that respond super quickly like that, further reinforcing the belief that they are just not "it". Tricky to figure out which category you are in--the way she responds tells a lot of that story. Slow to respond is not so stuck on you. If you don't know where you stand nor have a suspicion how much she is into you, default to little longer between messages and a little less chatty. That will help. Maybe tip you into the "i like him" category.

 

Exactly! Which is why I get so confused about why she sometimes answers with a new novel every 20 minutes, while other times she disappears for 3 days at a time.

 

It's like she has one personality that loves me and one that couldn't care less about me.

 

So, when she switches from loving me to ignoring me, I obsess over what I might have done wrong and start questioning my texting practices, as I did in this thread.

[Minestie]

Big update for everyone here:

 

I have done something that I'm not proud of. I stalked her tinder and it turns out she's 500 km away (which she was not, last time I talked to her on there, the day of her accident).

 

She said that as a result of her accident, she will be unable to move properly for the next few days, that she could barely make it to the kitchen.

 

For scale: 500 km means she is likely not even in the same country anymore.

 

What this means is that she is hiding something absolutely massive. I don't know what it is, but I don't think it's worth finding out. I am literally wondering whether anything she ever said was true at all, including the accident.

 

This amount of lying is not worth putting up with, especially since we're not even officially together, so there was nothing forcing her to lie in the first place. I knew it! I knew something was very wrong.

 

(Updated) moral of the story: stay away from crazy people, cause they will drive you crazy! (case in point, see my original post and how she drove me crazy )

 

Oh well! I guess I don't have to worry about this now. Amazing how good it feels, actually - like a sudden weight has been lifted off my chest.

[GemmaUK]

I know! You see, this is why I mentioned the word count that so many people seem to be hating on. My 7 messages were literally:

 

"okay, I understand"

"let me know if there is anything I can do"

"I am going home from a party right now"

"but I have my phone with me, so if you need me call me"

"and of course, I am sure sleeping will help"

"let me know how it goes and good nigth!"

"night * "

 

Those were my 7 texts, right after she sent me a video of her arm with a big gaping hole in it bleeding like a fountain.

 

Not quite as scary when you put it this way, is it?

 

 

Nope, sorry - all you needed to say is get in touch if I could be of any help.

Ergo..one text, not seven.

[Minestie]

Nope, sorry - all you needed to say is get in touch if I could be of any help.

Ergo..one text, not seven.

 

Seriously? Once you've just told me you've had a big accident? I would certainly think that was an underwhelming response, if the roles were reversed.

 

In any case, thanks for providing your input! I think the only thing this means is that people are different.

 

Edit: May I ask how old you are? I think this might be a generational thing (or not, no idea).

Edited February 28, 2017 by Minestie

[rushed]

Big update for everyone here:

 

I have done something that I'm not proud of. I stalked her tinder and it turns out she's 500 km away (which she was not, last time I talked to her on there, the day of her accident).

 

Tinder is not always accurate with this. When I was dating my boyfriend, he told me he was going to his sister's for the weekend. I checked his Tinder profile and the distance never changed. At first, like you, I thought he lied to me. However, on his facebook, he posted something that indeed have his location in the same city as his sister's.

[Minestie]

Tinder is not always accurate with this. When I was dating my boyfriend, he told me he was going to his sister's for the weekend. I checked his Tinder profile and the distance never changed. At first, like you, I thought he lied to me. However, on his facebook, he posted something that indeed have his location in the same city as his sister's.

 

I know, it only changes once you log in, so if your bf didn't log in from his sister's town, his distance never got updated. If you are in a traditional monogamous relationship, I would have been much more worried if it had updated - cause that means he would have been swiping / messaging people while in your sister's town.

 

However, your location won't bounce around by itself if you don't log in from a faraway place (unless you get into really advanced gps-fooling apps and devices, which I am 100% sure she doesn't know how to use).

 

I will confront her about it if she ever even replies back, but right now, this news has brought me peace of mind (in the weirdest possible way). It means that at least some of the info I have is wrong, so I don't have to worry about this as much as I have been. Which is just what I wanted!

[TheTraveler]

Big update for everyone here:

 

I have done something that I'm not proud of. I stalked her tinder and it turns out she's 500 km away (which she was not, last time I talked to her on there, the day of her accident).

 

She said that as a result of her accident, she will be unable to move properly for the next few days, that she could barely make it to the kitchen.

 

For scale: 500 km means she is likely not even in the same country anymore.

 

What this means is that she is hiding something absolutely massive. I don't know what it is, but I don't think it's worth finding out. I am literally wondering whether anything she ever said was true at all, including the accident.

 

This amount of lying is not worth putting up with, especially since we're not even officially together, so there was nothing forcing her to lie in the first place. I knew it! I knew something was very wrong.

 

(Updated) moral of the story: stay away from crazy people, cause they will drive you crazy! (case in point, see my original post and how she drove me crazy )

 

Oh well! I guess I don't have to worry about this now. Amazing how good it feels, actually - like a sudden weight has been lifted off my chest.

 

Actually this sounds fun. I would continue to text for the entertainment