moviegirl519 Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 I just dumped a really great guy, who's been one of my best friends for over a year, to take another chance with my ex. You're probably already judging me for this and thinking that I'm making a stupid naive choice. I haven't told most of my friends (who are mutual friends with the two of us) but I'm sure they'll think the same thing. I guess some background would be good: I'm a current sophomore in college. Last summer I started talking to this guy that I knew through extracurriculars - we really hit it off, talked almost every night, realized that we had mutual romantic feelings for each other. We decided to try having a relationship even though the following semester (last semester) he was studying abroad. So all of last semester was a weird, semi-official long-distance relationship. It was hard for me because I really liked him, we had a lot of things in common, the few times I did visit him was amazing. But he was also dealing with a lot of mental health problems which made him often emotionally unavailable and unwilling to commit to having anything this spring once he came back to school. Eventually, after not being in touch for a few weeks, he told me that he needed to figure his life out and wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship anymore. This came as a bit of a shock to me and I was very upset for the remainder of the holidays. When this spring semester started I felt like I was finally starting to get over him. This was also complicated by the fact that the guy I just dumped, one of my best friends at the time, was obviously romantically interested in me. He is a great guy, very sweet and loyal and probably more than I deserve. A month into the semester we went on a date and I decided to give it a try since I thought I was over my ex. The sex was good, I still felt like he's one of my best friends, I certainly had a few doubts since I didn't want to ruin our friendship if it didn't work out, but I decided to take that risk. Meanwhile, my ex came back from abroad and I still saw him a lot since we're in the same extracurricular clubs and we share a lot of mutual friends. I thought that we were all over the relationship and fine with being friends. However, last week he confessed to me that he still has a lot of feelings for me, that he was going through a really rough time in his life when he broke up with me, and that he is doing better, regrets it, and wants to get back together. After talking to him and some people who know both of us, I think that he genuinely means this and really wants to put in the effort to try again. Ever since this, I couldn't stop thinking about him and what we could have had. Even though the long-distance relationship had its ups and downs, we had so much in common and I feel like we were really compatible and could honestly have a good relationship if we started over. I'm just feeling so guilty about breaking up with my best friend since I don't have a great reason, he's done nothing wrong and he's been nothing but sweet and great and he really likes me and wants this to work out and since he doesn't know much about my ex except the negative stuff I sometimes told him last semester, he just doesn't understand. I know nobody feels sure about relationships in the beginning, but I've just been feeling less and less sure about whether I actually want to date him versus going back to how we were just as great friends and I feel like this will only get worse with time. I realize that it'll be almost impossible to stay close friends, and it's too late now but I find myself wishing that I'd taken the time to think about this more and not risk our friendship on this chance of dating. I know nobody can ever tell which guy would work out better or if I'll regret breaking up with my friend to take a chance on my ex, but any thoughts on this are greatly appreciated.
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 You "Like" your Best Friend, but you are nowhere near in lust/hot passionately interested in him. You are getting your emotional attachment but not truly sexually attracted to him. Sure he's a "great guy" but he isn't toe curling exciting. As for your ex, you simply have unfinished business with him. You still desire him undeniably. Now IMO he is not a good choice either. Dating someone with mental illness will always be challenging because they lack skills in how to cope with their depression and situations that they come across. If you think things will be better, you have another thing coming.....it will never get better with your ex. Those problems that were there before are still there. TBH none of these guys are right for you. Your friend, was pretty much always just your friend, and your ex has issues that are not going to go away. 3
CptInsano Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 This reads like you dumped somebody who you are simply not in love with for a guy who you do love, but who is not right for you. You're trying to find a way to suppress what is more than a nagging suspicion that your next attempt with your ex will end like it did the first time. Did I get that somewhat right? 2
Author moviegirl519 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 @CPTInsano, @smackie9 Thank you for your replies! I get what you're both saying. And maybe you're right that neither of the guys will end up being right for me. @CPTInsano especially tho, I do realize that having a relationship with someone who struggles with mental illness is very challenging. I have friends and family members who have struggled with this in their own relationships so I've seen personally how hard it can be. But also I feel like there's a point when you have to give someone a chance. My ex knows that he has problems. He's made an effort to start talking to a therapist and is trying very hard to get a hold of his life and habits and make a change for the better. Lots of people have problems and since he's making a legitimate effort I feel like it would be unfair to reject him just because of this. So yeah, just my two cents in defending what I was saying earlier. But thanks again for your replies I honestly appreciate everyone's thoughts on this.
CptInsano Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 I've seen mental illness in relationships, too. And the relationship isn't always helping. I don't know the history of your ex-bf, but please don't do something because "somebody deserves a chance". Base your decision on whether a positive outcome is likely, for you and him. Please consider also whether a relationship at this point would be beneficial for his recovery. 1
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Watch out for codependency...very common for those who suffer with mental illness. Being in a relationship doesn't do them any favors.
coolheadal Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 It's your life and your choice. But you did the right thing now move on and find what your really want and be happy with. You still have a friend there but you are doing the right thing. We all have been through these sorts but in the end you can only do what you can to be happy. But you come first always
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