alex1030 Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 My boyfriend and I both have family from previous marriages. He has been separated for two years and has had several relationships post -separation. I have been divorced for four years and have had several relationships as well. I need advise on how to manage my mind regarding the boyfriend's ex wife. They have two sons and co-parent. I have two sons as well. We spend a lot of time together as a "blended entity." The time has come that my boyfriend wants me to meet the ex-wife, to which I am filled with dread. I still think he has feelings for her(all in my head perhaps?? He says no they communicate daily because of their boys (which I get). He gets annoyed when she goes out on dates because she doesn't think of the boys when she's in a relationship . He likes every picture/post on her social media which drives me Lifetime-movie bat **** crazy. This whole social media dynamic is new to me. Now he's coaching little league and has a game that he wants me to attend where she'll be there. I just don't know how to manage my feelings. I have never met an "ex-wife." though my failed relationships have had to do with exes still being in the picture. I'd appreciate any advice or appreciation of this middle-age conundrum. :-)
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Just me but I would prefer to date a man that had a real good relationship with his ex....to me that says a lot about their character, that they parted ways amicably/maturely. He IS thinking about the boys safety and I can see why he would be concerned about what man she would bring into their lives. Totally understandable. I think it's nice that they can still be friends, even tho their marriage is over. He wants you to meet her because you are an important part of his life, and wants to let her know that her boys are in good parenting hands. 3
preraph Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Of course he still has feelings for her. He loved her enough to marry her once. He hates it when she dates. I see child custody cases sometimes in my work, and in about 99 percent of them, the man doesn't attempt to get sole or sometimes even joint custody until he finds out the wife has dared to start dating again. Then he does that to try to control her. He wants to date and do whatever he wants, but what he envisioned was her staying home alone taking care of the kids while he does whatever he wants. It drives men nuts when their exes start dating. He's still following her and liking everything she does, so I think that says it all. He has a double standard for her and doesn't think she should be able to do the same thing he's doing. He will do the same to you some day. You will always have to have the wife in the picture. He is still bugged by her dating, and the kids are just an excuse. He's dating, so why doesn't that apply to him too? They have to communicate, and using email or text is probably the best way so they keep it short and to the point. But he's following her social media, looking at everything she does, and interacting with her socially, too. I wouldn't be comfortable with it, and I I would question his motives introducing you to her, honestly. He may be trying to make her jealous if the timing is the same time he is annoyed by her dating. And you also need to be awake to the fact that a lot of recently divorced men are just looking for a free babysitter. Don't know if that's the case here, and if it is, it may be something beneficial to you as well, or not, but just saying you often see divorced fathers get into another relationship asap to relieve them having to do all the kid chasing. 1
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 How long have you been dating? I think it's best if you do meet her, you'll then have a first row seat to observe their dynamic and you'll be able to reassess your opinion on this whole situation. 2
Author alex1030 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 thank you! I appreciate your insight.
Author alex1030 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 We have been dating since October. I don't babysit his kids we just all hang out together. The whole liking social media stuff is weird and not sure how to broach it if at all.
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 The whole liking social media stuff is weird and not sure how to broach it if at all. If she puts up pictures of her and the kids than it's normal he likes them. If he likes pictures of her out on the town with her girlfriends then that's different. What does he like on her FB? 1
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 We have been dating since October. I don't babysit his kids we just all hang out together. The whole liking social media stuff is weird and not sure how to broach it if at all. You've only been dating 4 months ! When did you introduce the kids in all this? It seems pretty rushed to me. 2
Author alex1030 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 yes he likes everything she posts even non-parenting pics??? but he's a chronic "liker" on all things from what i can tell.
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Just because someone "likes" things on FB doesn't mean they want to get into their pants. Don't let social media ruin your relationship...stop monitoring his page...in fact just stay off of there...there problem solved. You two are middle aged...not teenagers! 3
preraph Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 yes he likes everything she posts even non-parenting pics??? but he's a chronic "liker" on all things from what i can tell. You're already making excuses for him. Keep your eyes open and see things for what they are. He is trolling her social media. He introduced you to the kids too early, without knowing if you will be there six months from now because he wanted a babysitter. And at the same time, he has something to say if his ex dates, when he's already doing the thing he is accusing his ex of doing. 1
kendahke Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 You're already making excuses for him. Keep your eyes open and see things for what they are. He is trolling her social media. He introduced you to the kids too early, without knowing if you will be there six months from now because he wanted a babysitter. And at the same time, he has something to say if his ex dates, when he's already doing the thing he is accusing his ex of doing. that's it in a nut shell. OP, you're dating a mess. Life will be so much simpler when you leave messy people alone. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 My boyfriend and I both have family from previous marriages. He has been separated for two years and has had several relationships post -separation. I have been divorced for four years and have had several relationships as well. I need advise on how to manage my mind regarding the boyfriend's ex wife. They have two sons and co-parent. I have two sons as well. We spend a lot of time together as a "blended entity." The time has come that my boyfriend wants me to meet the ex-wife, to which I am filled with dread. I still think he has feelings for her(all in my head perhaps?? He says no they communicate daily because of their boys (which I get). He gets annoyed when she goes out on dates because she doesn't think of the boys when she's in a relationship . He likes every picture/post on her social media which drives me Lifetime-movie bat **** crazy. This whole social media dynamic is new to me. Now he's coaching little league and has a game that he wants me to attend where she'll be there. I just don't know how to manage my feelings. I have never met an "ex-wife." though my failed relationships have had to do with exes still being in the picture. I'd appreciate any advice or appreciation of this middle-age conundrum. :-) He gets annoyed when she goes out on dates because she doesn't think of the boys when she's in a relationship -- Neither does he nor do you. You two have only been dating for 4 months and are including your children already???? That's not a good idea. You should not introduce children to a dating partner until the relationship is well-established. Children are affected when partners come and go. Like it or not. Beyond all that, it is extremely important that all adult parties involved are at least civil and cordial with one another for the sake of all the children involved.
viatori patuit Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I have a similar situation in that my fiancé has two small children. She is not active with her ex at all though. My rule is simple. I will not interact with people who have a romantic past with her. That is not something I am interested in entertains nor do I wish to deal with the drama. I also made it clear I find such interactions disrespectful. I refuse to speak with anyone whom I have had a romantic interest for the same reason. I realize with kids it is a bit different, but quite frankly if they cannot separate parenting from social interactions then there are likely bigger issues.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 My boyfriend and I both have family from previous marriages. He has been separated for two years and has had several relationships post -separation. I have been divorced for four years and have had several relationships as well. I need advise on how to manage my mind regarding the boyfriend's ex wife. They have two sons and co-parent. I have two sons as well. We spend a lot of time together as a "blended entity." The time has come that my boyfriend wants me to meet the ex-wife... Just for clarification...is he or is he NOT still legally married?! You use the prefix 'ex', but you also say that he has been separated.
forgiven1 Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 I was that woman 8 years ago, it was uncomfortable to say the less but my then b/f and his son were in my life for 3 months or so and a baseball game brought us together but believe it or not she stayed away and was cordial in communicating with me and I was to her as well. I'm sure it helped that my relationship was already in the works with my now ss. I'm not sure about the social media etc and being in contact daily with her because of kids, this wasn't our case- he was in contact with his son only and that was daily, the contact with her was to pay support, make arrangements for picking up his son etc.... They had been apart for 3 years or so. Now we are married and have sole custody of his son so all the contact with her is through me and my ss and my husband is only involved when we all go meet for a visitation as she only has supervised visitation. have you talked to your b/f about your concerns? if you don't address things now while you're dating it will be harder if the relationship moves forward to marriage.... praying for all of you My boyfriend and I both have family from previous marriages. He has been separated for two years and has had several relationships post -separation. I have been divorced for four years and have had several relationships as well. I need advise on how to manage my mind regarding the boyfriend's ex wife. They have two sons and co-parent. I have two sons as well. We spend a lot of time together as a "blended entity." The time has come that my boyfriend wants me to meet the ex-wife, to which I am filled with dread. I still think he has feelings for her(all in my head perhaps?? He says no they communicate daily because of their boys (which I get). He gets annoyed when she goes out on dates because she doesn't think of the boys when she's in a relationship . He likes every picture/post on her social media which drives me Lifetime-movie bat **** crazy. This whole social media dynamic is new to me. Now he's coaching little league and has a game that he wants me to attend where she'll be there. I just don't know how to manage my feelings. I have never met an "ex-wife." though my failed relationships have had to do with exes still being in the picture. I'd appreciate any advice or appreciation of this middle-age conundrum. :-)
Author alex1030 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 A couple of things. 1. I met the ex-wife and she was very nice to me. All of our kids got together and what we do have is too much boy energy. The boys like each other very much and she was very patient with mine and vice versa. 2. I don't believe he wants a babysitter. He has never asked and I have offered and never has take me up. 3. He's not divorced yet. My divorce dragged on because of finances. He worked on divorce papers when he was here the other night so I know he's making it priority. 4. Facebook drives me crazy so I don't check who's liking what. I think how he treats me in real life is the genuine stuff. 5. We both have a lot of baggage. I think it's beautiful that he says he loves me regardless of all the **** that goes in my life. And at 4 months, I have not seen this level commitment before. He's been through hell and back, 2 deployments, a separation, a son with leukemia, a layoff in a span of 4 years and I am humbled by his quiet and patient demeanor with me and my boys. 6. Thank you for all the advise. It's nice to have strangers talk some sense.
Gaeta Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 See, meeting her was the best thing to do. I am glad you met her with an open mind. Bravo!
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