Tired of Wife's Constant Girls Nights Out and Late Dinners

[BluesPower]

It's amusing to me that BS that have dealt with A & talk about trust & transparency can be the same group of people that yell out "get a recording device & hire a professional stalker"...bc that's a really healthy way to deal with all marital problems. They don't add that if found out & your W isn't doing anything wrong, how many problems that will lead to!

 

Take it one step at a time & give the benefit of the doubt until you feel forced to go to that extent & or you'll just drive yourself crazy...not every person that goes out & has fun is automatically having an A. My friends are all married & all make more than their H, they go out all the time, not one is up to no good.

 

No it is not that way...Whoknew30.

 

What we know is that the red flags here are not marriage problems. They are cheating problems, guaranteed. If he has the courage to actually find out and do what has to be done, THEN he will understand why they have "Marriage Problems", because she is cheating.

 

All of these flags are so common a blind man could see them.

 

How by the way did you get caught or did you confess Whoknew30?

[Friskyone4u]

While there is no smoking gun that she has cheated yet (because you haven't looked for it ) there is a valid concern she is.

 

Your job here is to do a legitimate investigation into her activities and determine if she is being unfaithful.

 

If she is seeing someone(s) else, nothing else you do will matter. If she is getting down with someone else, nothing other than breaking the affair will bring her back into the fold.

 

Doing tit for tat is just wasting time and energy and creating more marital discord. If she is getting orgasms from other men, do you really think going to a bar alone is going to make her see the light and change her behavior????

 

No. It's just going to make you look creepy and pathetic.

 

Your first order of business her is to find out if she is doing other men or not.

 

I agree with the others, you have been very naive and tolerant of inappropriate behavior. It's time to man up and get to the bottom of what's really going on. For all you know, she may not be having meetings and dinners for work at all. She might be actually living part time with another man and leading a double life and you don't even know.

 

 

OP, your gut has bothered you to a point that you initiated a thread on a forum of strangers, and so far it appears you are either clueless or for some other reason resisting what the overwhelming number of folks are telling you. And by the way, most posting to you unfortunately have some first hand experience with infidelity.

 

None of us can give you and answer as to if your wife is cheating. What we can do is tell you that you have enough "red flags" to get your head out of the sand if you really want to find out. Your other option is to continue to play ostrich and hope for the best.

 

So lets recap.

(1) she refuses to allow any sensible and reasonable discussion of her behavior and constant alone time with other men and partytime with girlfriends.

(2) you are not a happy camper with good reason

(3) you refuse to take the steps so far to investigate ( yes snoop big time) to determine whether or not she is cheating. And by the way, even if she is not, her partying regularly with her posse of single girlfriends greatly increases the possibility percentages that eventually she will run into a guy she is attracted to.

 

So what should you be doing that you have not, even if you do not want to hire a PI??

(1) get all your cell phone records and see if there is a number constantly being texted at strange hours. Hope you do not think she regularly works at midnight.

(2) put the VAR in the car. You will know in less than a week if she is romantically involved with anyone. Since she has a posse of girlfriends, you can count on her having conversations with them if she is cheating since it probably started at GNO or he may have conveniently showed up there is it is a work colleague. The closer she is with girlfriends, the more likely she will blad to one or more of them.

(3) put a GPS on the car. If she tells you she is working late at a business dinner you will know where her car is. If its a Marriott hotel you might get a little alarmed.

 

Going out by yourself to a bar is silly. First, you will be bored as hell, and be wondering more as to what she is doing since you have nothing to do. She is not going out to bars alone. She is going with friends.

 

If you take some action, then I would not argue with her so that she thinks you are dumb as a doorknob and accepting what she is telling you. You will not have to play dumb long with the VAR.

 

And google the signs your wife is cheating and see how many other behaviors you are seeing.

 

Lastly, you seem to be "afraid" to really get into knock down drag outs with her. That needs to change, especially if you find anything going on.

 

You can get answers if you want to. It ain't going to get any better on your current course of letting her do what she wants.

[Whoknew30]

No it is not that way...Whoknew30.

 

What we know is that the red flags here are not marriage problems. They are cheating problems, guaranteed. If he has the courage to actually find out and do what has to be done, THEN he will understand why they have "Marriage Problems", because she is cheating.

 

All of these flags are so common a blind man could see them.

 

How by the way did you get caught or did you confess Whoknew30?

 

I went out all the time...as what he's describing. Absolutely nothing to do with my A...I met ex OM at a store, during the day & not one time did I stay out late with him & or do anything with anyone while I was out...for years. In fact I barely when out in the year I had an A & if I did it actually took my off my whole situation bc I was having fun...so the "flags" you see, my H & friend's husbands should all have us tracked & if they did, they wouldn't find one thing.

 

We go out without the H bc it's way more fun, like this guy, they don't like to be at clubs & bars, we do & don't want to see our H sitting there like they'd rather be at a funeral then at the bar with us....could be the same here. My H has hobbies, my friends & I hobby is going to dinner & out to have fun & get away from the kids.

 

Also having a special needs child, puts a couple under stress that someone that isn't in that situation could never understand...I don't care if someone even knows someone personally going through it, unless actually dealing with it yourself, you have no clue on how you'd handle it...it's something beyond one's control & it really does affect a family.

 

So advice at first should be to try & see where this coming from...not adding more stress until known for sure. Not every situation is cheating & this coming from someone that was raised around serial cheaters...so it's not like I'm wet behind the ears or naive, I'm just not jaded & have had experience with people running without there being cheating....that's not the top problem in marriages all the time, in every case.

 

I confessed, there was absolutely no signs of me cheating...phone was clean, social media was clean, my H would have never caught me had i never told...you learn some bad things when surrounded by serial cheating men.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Whoknew30

[Robert]

Second warning to focus on the threadstarter's situation and not the history of other members. One member has already been suspended for this violation. ~6

 

 

Let's focus on the threadstarter's situation and not the history of other members, please.

 

Thanks,

~6

[Jersey born raised]

My first thought is that the marriage has been allowed to drift by both spouces. That the wife has lost sight that their are more then one POV in a reiationship. That she has compartmentalize her life and has created a stick figure of a husband, of the children and a marriage. Please note the choice of nouns. Note I did not write "Stephen her husband", her child, her marriage with Stephen, her children, herself.

 

My second thought is Stephen may not have a clear sense of who he himself is.

 

So the first answer to Stephan wife is yes, there is a problem. A big part of the problem is Stephen cannot fully explain it. Stephan, allowing your marriage to drift invites a lot of problems into it including adultery. Even if she is not involved with an EA or a PA you are at serious risk of doing so yourself. Do you have any idea how many WayWard spouses open echo with your original posts? How many WW first excuse is "I didn't think you would care"??? So yes you are at risk of committing Adultery. While you love your wife you have a huge void in your life. So yes there is a problem.

 

I will write a second post on what to look for in a WW spouse, red flags. But I want to drive home the point that issues are issues and require both spouses correct and that if not corrected the marriage will end.

 

Now, adultery is a whole different problem. Adultery is always a destructive selfish, coldly choice choice made in response to a situation when an opportunity occurs to make that choice. It is a deep character flaw.

 

To conclude: assuming your wife is faithful, you meet someone somewhere, they are so easy to talk to, you fall in love and commit adultery what does that say about yourself Stephen? Don't say why you would not, say you did and this is why.

[Jersey born raised]

OldShirt and friskyone4u are the next step after what I suggested. Here are some classic red flags

 

 

Red flags*

 

Sex life dropped off noticeably

Passwords on phone and computer

Much more time on line...fakebook.

More GNOs...staying out later.

Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.

Less communication.

Staying up late on computer.

Dressing more provocative

More shopping-spending...clothes.

3 hour groceries shopping trips

Gasoline use and mileage went up

Generally disconnected from family.

New friends that I wasn't introduced to

Cell/text usage went up...way up.

New hair style and attention to makeup

Started exercising more.

Secretive about whereabouts during contact

She would become annoyed easily with me.

Household responsibilities dropped way off.

ecame more forgetful in general

A noticable distancing from her family.

Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.

 

Some do not apply as you said she is initiating sex more often. *There are reasons some women do this, *Do a search along with the other search I suggested.*

 

 

More later

[drifter777]

Her behavior is a giant red flag that says "I'm cheating" on both sides. It screams for an investigation using - at a minimum - VAR and phone monitoring both for "where is she" and content of texts & pictures. I would add to this by hiring a PI to follow her around on a couple of her GNOs. My money (and I'd lay 10 - 1) is that she is doing something very inappropriate.

[alphamale]

Any thoughts on this long winded chain of events?

yes, you have lost control of your wife

[usa1ah]

Hey All -

 

First time poster but have lurked off and on this site for awhile.

 

About our marriage - been married 9 years (first marriage for the both of us), have two kids, one of which is special needs. She's an accountant and travels about once a week.

 

Her social circle is much larger than mine and has been for years, probably a combination of:

 

1) She's native to the area while I am not

2) She has work lunches and work dinners constantly

3) More of an extrovert

 

Now this hasn't been an issue in the past but what was once a minor nuisance has grown terminal for me and here's why.

 

1) Having a special needs child (6 years old) makes it rather difficult to get a sitter and difficult for her and I to have private time together. Once our oldest gets to be a few years older he'll be able to help out so that's less of an issue. I don't personally feel comfortable having a regular babysitter come over to watch him. I'm very protective of him.

 

2) She constantly goes out to lunches - both with her friends and 1x1 with male company - recruiters, talent specialists, out of town visitors where she has to represent the company. These lunches and the frequency of them have grown quite a bit. I think its odd for her to have 1x1 lunches like that but she says its part of her role - I don't complain about it.

 

3) She has a work dinner two to three times a week - leaving me who is regularly at home to watch both children, feed them and get the ready for bed. I've told her she needs to tone that down but said its bad for her career and she enjoys it.

 

4) While she asks (and I don't tell her no) she always wants to join her single friends for a Girls Night Out - once again sticking me with the role of being super dad and then having to accommodate her further the next morning because she has a headache and can't help with the kids, etc.

 

So all those factors have been stewing in my head for a while - two weeks ago, she went out for a girls night out and for whatever reason something in me just snapped. On Monday, I told her I am going out on Friday to grab some drinks and something to eat and to meet some new friends.

 

You could hear nothing but silence from her - she was totally in silence. I told her she needed to watch the kids and I'll be home late. For the past few days after that she asked if she should be worried or concerned and that its odd for a married man to want to go to a bar for drinks especially by himself. Fast forward, I went out that Friday and throughly enjoyed my time alone. I went shopping for some new clothes, I went to a restaurant/bar and talked to some guys, had dinner and some drinks and came home around 11.

 

She was waiting up when I got home and I got the cold shoulder and constant questions - she kept saying she's been faithful and to ask her friends (I'm sure they wouldn't lie or anything (sarcasm)) and apparently thinks I am out trying to meet women. I told her she is way overthinking it. She keeps saying its good for me to have me time but then in the same breath raising all sorts of concerns about it.

 

I don't understand her concerns and don't understand why she apparently feels I am not entitled to have some nights to myself. I expect more drama will unfold the next time she wants another work dinner or girls night out.

 

Any thoughts on this long winded chain of events?

 

Sounds like she is projecting her guilt onto you. Why would she automatically jump to I have been faithful if she really has been.

[usa1ah]

So her job and career are more important then you and the kids.

 

Velvetcakes said it. Place a Voice Activated Recorder in her car. If you can get one into her purse as well great.

 

Set up a polygraph for the both of you. They her she has four questions that she can ask you and you get to ask her four. Then take her. Tell her that you wanted to clear yourself of her accusations against you.

 

How active sexually was she before all the lunch and dinner "meetings" started?

 

Did it change before or after? Or has she always been LD.

[usa1ah]

So her job and career are more important then you and the kids.

 

Velvetcakes said it. Place a Voice Activated Recorder in her car. If you can get one into her purse as well great.

 

Set up a polygraph for the both of you. They her she has four questions that she can ask you and you get to ask her four. Then take her. Tell her that you wanted to clear yourself of her accusations against you.

 

How active sexually was she before all the lunch and dinner "meetings" started?

 

Did it change before or after? Or has she always been LD.

 

Should read "Tell her".