Tired of Wife's Constant Girls Nights Out and Late Dinners

March 1, 2017

My vote is she is cheating. Start covertly gathering evidence, or hire a PI.

March 1, 2017

She is going out with males and nights out with friends often and you go once out and she is asking if you are cheating?? Well, in Spanish we have a said... "the thieves think every one wants to rob them"... meaning that if she thinks that you would cheat by going out is because is what she normally does.

Man up and start getting some boundaries ... I think though that this is beyond repairable, she has little to non respect for you.

March 1, 2017

Despite what everyone here is saying (with the exception of two or three people) NONE of us ACTUALLY know what your wife is doing because we are not your wife. People are assuming off of their personal circumstances and agendas, myself included.

I don't know if your wife is cheating but I do know that my husband felt similar to the way you're feeling and I was NOT cheating. When he went out, it was alarming and I instantly jumped to conclusions that he was cheating, even though I was not. My point is that YES she is wrong, prioritizing is not her forte and you need to talk to her about that like adults. Let her know how uncomfortable you feel, let her know that you feel like you're losing your wife. Your feelings are valid. Take steps to work on communications and boundaries. Go see a marriage counselor.

[]

Again, YES she's wrong and she's not being a very good wife or mom and NO we don't know for sure if your wife is cheating, but there are ways you can investigate and there are ways to work on your marriage.

Edited March 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
topical content ~6

March 1, 2017

[]

OP, the odds are your wife is carrying on inappropriately. Is she actually having sex with other guys? Don't know, but at the very least she is putting herself out there.

Edited March 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
topical content ~6

March 1, 2017

[]

What scares people in relationships isn't so much the mistakes but the fear the person will repeat the mistakes.

OP wife is less than he deserves as a wife and less than her kids deserve as a mother because she prefers to party it up with her single girlfriends. Her actions scream infidelity, it would be foolish of him to not investigate that road.

Edited March 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
topical content ~6

March 1, 2017

I'll say this again.

Corporate finance, public accounting,etc doesn't ever require lunches or dinners two or three times a week consistently.

I've worked in chemicals, automotive, industrial products and commercial construction from an accounting/finance perspective.

Doesn't add up

March 1, 2017

Let's focus on the threadstarter's situation and not the history of other members, please.

Thanks,

~6

March 1, 2017

It wont take much to figure out which way to go about your situation, stephenv1994. Put a voice activated recorder in her car (if she is driving around to all these lunch/dinner dates) even put in a GPS in the car as well or a disposable but traceable phone in the trunk. Even easier, hire a PI to get all that info for you. It shouldn't be hard given how predictable her behavior has been, and will be if she thinks she still has you fooled.

If it turns out that she isn't cheating at all, is simply one of the most selfish wife/mother around then there is a communicative way to approach the situation.

However, if she indeed is cheating then there is a strategic way to approach your situation. You will need undeniable proof for this situation and you will have already started that work just trying to figure out why there are so many GNO's and lunch/dinner meetings.

Just know this, KNOWLEDGE is power. Knowledge gives you leverage. You should still privately go see a divorce attorney either way just so you get some that knowledge to be prepared.

March 1, 2017

Thanks everyone for their time and replies - I've tried to have meaningful discussions but she gets angry about how she needs to succeed in her career and that it's a combination of being expected to attend these events and to host them. It's either she does those activities to maintain her position or essentially get demoted or worse move to a one income family.

I hate to make this all all tit-for-tat but I am seriously considering taking work lunches and dinners myself just to hopefully help her realize the impacts it can cause.

Regarding a PI, I've never used one and am concerned he would either:

A) Get caught doing his job and then have to deal with that fall out

B) Crazy expensive

Assuming she is not doing anything, are his findings and investigation kept confidential?

PS - is it that unusual for a married guy to go to a bar alone? I met a few married guys there and they were either A) Out of town, B) Wanted to watch a game away from the wife, C) Just got off work and wanted to knock back a few before heading home.

March 1, 2017

Thanks everyone for their time and replies - I've tried to have meaningful discussions but she gets angry about how she needs to succeed in her career and that it's a combination of being expected to attend these events and to host them. It's either she does those activities to maintain her position or essentially get demoted or worse move to a one income family.

I hate to make this all all tit-for-tat but I am seriously considering taking work lunches and dinners myself just to hopefully help her realize the impacts it can cause.

Regarding a PI, I've never used one and am concerned he would either:
A) Get caught doing his job and then have to deal with that fall out
B) Crazy expensive

Assuming she is not doing anything, are his findings and investigation kept confidential?

PS - is it that unusual for a married guy to go to a bar alone? I met a few married guys there and they were either A) Out of town, B) Wanted to watch a game away from the wife, C) Just got off work and wanted to knock back a few before heading home.

You don't have to have a P.I., you can order a voice activated recorder and a tracking device from amazon, have it shipped to a friends house.

It's not super unusual for a married man to go to a bar alone, it just depends on the situation. If it's out of character for you, it may be perceived as bizarre, but to the general public, they won't notice.

March 1, 2017

Thanks everyone for their time and replies - I've tried to have meaningful discussions but she gets angry about how she needs to succeed in her career and that it's a combination of being expected to attend these events and to host them. It's either she does those activities to maintain her position or essentially get demoted or worse move to a one income family.

I hate to make this all all tit-for-tat but I am seriously considering taking work lunches and dinners myself just to hopefully help her realize the impacts it can cause.

Regarding a PI, I've never used one and am concerned he would either:
A) Get caught doing his job and then have to deal with that fall out
B) Crazy expensive

Assuming she is not doing anything, are his findings and investigation kept confidential?

PS - is it that unusual for a married guy to go to a bar alone? I met a few married guys there and they were either A) Out of town, B) Wanted to watch a game away from the wife, C) Just got off work and wanted to knock back a few before heading home.

Assuming she's not doing anything is a big leap of faith in this case, IMO, but you are the one who will have to live with her...

A serious professional PI works under license, if you don't go to the first unprepared guy you can trust them as you would any other professional.

It's his job, it ìs far more likely you will be caught in a do-it-yourself job.

Well, yes if it's a good one he probably will be expansive (not impossibly so, or no one would hire him). It's up to you, if it was me the truth about what is happening in my marriage would be well worth it...

You can do the "do-it-yourself" version, but the risk of messing up will be much higher, IMO.

March 1, 2017

I've tried to have meaningful discussions but she gets angry about how she needs to succeed in her career and that it's a combination of being expected to attend these events and to host them. It's either she does those activities to maintain her position or essentially get demoted or worse move to a one income family.

I just hope you don't try to drive anytime soon what with all that wool pulled over your eyes.

March 1, 2017

You don't have to have a P.I., you can order a voice activated recorder and a tracking device from amazon, have it shipped to a friends house.

It's not super unusual for a married man to go to a bar alone, it just depends on the situation. If it's out of character for you, it may be perceived as bizarre, but to the general public, they won't notice.

You can buy a VAR at Best Buy, get Velcro and put it under the front seat. You will need the good lithium batteries.

GPS tracker works well also.

If you haven't check out your phone bill. Just go online and download the texts calls, sort and see if there is s log of activity to s specific number. This should be your first check and can be done in 15 minutes

March 1, 2017

While it is true that you don't have to have a PI, and that cost might be a downside, I stand by my advice to get a professional for these reasons:

1. you have never even considered that her schedule was strange in all these years, this suggests that you're quite naive and thus probably not very hard to manipulate. A professional with no emotion in it will get more information in much less time.

2. for the reason above it seems to me that you could easily mess up and get caught.

3. She's already telling you she's going out with people, including other men, and going in restaurants. So if she goes to a place that has a restaurant and rooms, you should see her to know what happens, but you have to watch your kids. The GPS alone could not be of much help. Also she sees these guys every day in office or at lunch, I don't know if she really needs to talk to them on the phone, so the VAR might not be that useful either.

March 1, 2017

Really?

One of you is getting ****ed and it isn't you.

March 1, 2017

Thanks everyone for their time and replies -

I've tried to have meaningful discussions but she gets angry about how she needs to succeed in her career and that it's a combination of being expected to attend these events and to host them. It's either she does those activities to maintain her position or essentially get demoted or worse move to a one income .

Whether she's cheating or not she's told you this is your life so get used to it.

Has she always controlled and manipulated you in the past?

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

March 1, 2017

May I ask, as a special needs mother...when was your child diagnosed with their condition? There's a reason pertaining to your thread of why I'm asking.

Special needs families are different & it can impact the marriage & of course parents.

March 1, 2017

Thanks everyone for their time and replies - I've tried to have meaningful discussions but she gets angry about how she needs to succeed in her career and that it's a combination of being expected to attend these events and to host them. It's either she does those activities to maintain her position or essentially get demoted or worse move to a one income family.

I hate to make this all all tit-for-tat but I am seriously considering taking work lunches and dinners myself just to hopefully help her realize the impacts it can cause. [/Quote]

I work in a field that requires travel, and my husband works in a field that often requires 10-12 hr shifts, as well as some weekend work. IMO it is critical for spouses to stay in close communication when one's job takes up what would normally be considered family time. Both parties have to be in agreement, compromises have to be made, in order for it to work.

Unfortunately, often 'tit for tat' is the only thing that helps the other person understand how his/her actions affect the spouse. That said...

PS - is it that unusual for a married guy to go to a bar alone? I met a few married guys there and they were either A) Out of town, B) Wanted to watch a game away from the wife, C) Just got off work and wanted to knock back a few before heading home.

I think it is very unusual, and not in a good way, for a married man to be going to be bar alone. In fact, one of the first "rules of the road" that was established in our relationship was that we do not go out to bars, or even hang out in a hotel bar, if we are traveling on our own. For a short time, my husband was going to bars after late shift ended (by the time he got home, everyone was asleep.) But that ended very quickly.

If you think the posters are quick to jump on cheating for a working wife doing lunches and dinners....this board would BLOW UP, and rightly so, if a man came on and said "My wife is going to bars alone on Friday nights."

So if you're going to Tit for Tat, really match it up. Do some Guys nights out. Go ahead and have her be the only one home doing child care a few nights a week.

But keep in mind the end goal, which, if I'm reading you correctly, is to help her see that her work is putting you in a difficult place, and you would like it to change.

In fact, you might just start off there. Just put it out that the current situation is not working out for you and the family. There are many options beyond "accept this or we go to a one income family" because there are other jobs available.

Best of luck to you.

March 1, 2017

Thanks everyone for their time and replies - I've tried to have meaningful discussions but she gets angry about how she needs to succeed in her career and that it's a combination of being expected to attend these events and to host them. It's either she does those activities to maintain her position or essentially get demoted or worse move to a one income family.

I hate to make this all all tit-for-tat but I am seriously considering taking work lunches and dinners myself just to hopefully help her realize the impacts it can cause.

Regarding a PI, I've never used one and am concerned he would either:
A) Get caught doing his job and then have to deal with that fall out
B) Crazy expensive

Assuming she is not doing anything, are his findings and investigation kept confidential?

PS - is it that unusual for a married guy to go to a bar alone? I met a few married guys there and they were either A) Out of town, B) Wanted to watch a game away from the wife, C) Just got off work and wanted to knock back a few before heading home.

Let's look at some facts:

1) She is the one that told you she has to do this for work. Have you ever gone out with any of her friends from work? Have you verified this for yourself? I bet you have not. You are taking her word for everything. Since she is acting pretty shady about everything I am not sure that is a good idea.

2) You can and should get a VAR and GPS I know you can afford that. You seem smart enough to plant them without getting caught.

3) You guys are a 2 income family, there has got to be a way to find the money for a PI. This will get you the fastest truth about what is going on.

4) You have been way to passive in your relationship with this woman, you have to man up. Yesterday.

5) She is cheating on you, I will bet a $1000 on it. You need to find out and get the proof. Don't waste your life in a marriage to a wife that would do this to you and your child.

You simply have to take action now...

March 1, 2017

May I ask, as a special needs mother...when was your child diagnosed with their condition? There's a reason pertaining to your thread of why I'm asking.

Special needs families are different & it can impact the marriage & of course parents.

Sure, Downs - since birth.

March 1, 2017

Well, when she asks you "do I need to be worried", next time answer "yes".

Because she works 3 evenings a week. It leaves you very little time to be together in the evenings. And when she doesn't work, she goes to hang out outside without you. So it looks like she's trying hard to evade from you.

Tell her that she may have all the excuses in the world to evade your company, but the fact is that it damages your marriage and relationship. Tell her that she proves her priorities in life, and the relationship with you seems to be in her lowest priority. So yes, she should be worried because it seems she doesn't really care, and it will slowly but surely get to an irreversible point.

All this when you assume she is not cheating. But if you ask me, there is a good chance she is cheating. In fact if I have to gamble according to the details you mentioned here, I would say 80% she's definitely cheating.

Edited March 1, 2017 by lolablue17

March 1, 2017

Sure, Downs - since birth.

My son is non-verbal moderate autism...I asked bc sometimes (from my experience) certain people handle issues by throwing themselves into work & allowing the other spouse to "take care of it" usually it's the husband but evidently in your case it's opposite...& her work entails fun, which makes it an escape.

My son was diagnosed before his 2nd birthday & for the next two years, my H just threw himself into work & kind of hid from it. He loved our son of course but he just couldn't handle it...was that "ok" of course not but since I had already gone through heart disease at the beginning of our marriage, I already knew how my H handled certain issues.

She's running, it's easier for her to hide at work & in her social gatherings than to face whats going on in her household. You're going to have to sit down & talk to her but not from the going out angle...tell her you feel like she's running & that you need her, that her kids need her. Once you start the "going out" talk she'll only get defensive..plus it's deeper than that, it always is when someone is running.

Don't go for in an argument, approach her with your emotions, not with your frustration, there's a difference. If that doesn't work, then you'll know you have a bigger problem on your hands...don't get into the tit for tat bc (& trust me I know) it doesn't work & it's a game no one wins. Truth, honest emotion & logic always works, if she wants no part of that, then it's time to start digging a little deeper.

Good luck to you

March 1, 2017

you should open your eyes man, don't ignore the red flags

March 1, 2017

It's amusing to me that BS that have dealt with A & talk about trust & transparency can be the same group of people that yell out "get a recording device & hire a professional stalker"...bc that's a really healthy way to deal with all marital problems. They don't add that if found out & your W isn't doing anything wrong, how many problems that will lead to!

Take it one step at a time & give the benefit of the doubt until you feel forced to go to that extent & or you'll just drive yourself crazy...not every person that goes out & has fun is automatically having an A. My friends are all married & all make more than their H, they go out all the time, not one is up to no good.

March 1, 2017

While there is no smoking gun that she has cheated yet (because you haven't looked for it ) there is a valid concern she is.

Your job here is to do a legitimate investigation into her activities and determine if she is being unfaithful.

If she is seeing someone(s) else, nothing else you do will matter. If she is getting down with someone else, nothing other than breaking the affair will bring her back into the fold.

Doing tit for tat is just wasting time and energy and creating more marital discord. If she is getting orgasms from other men, do you really think going to a bar alone is going to make her see the light and change her behavior????

No. It's just going to make you look creepy and pathetic.

Your first order of business her is to find out if she is doing other men or not.

I agree with the others, you have been very naive and tolerant of inappropriate behavior. It's time to man up and get to the bottom of what's really going on. For all you know, she may not be having meetings and dinners for work at all. She might be actually living part time with another man and leading a double life and you don't even know.

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