Tired of Wife's Constant Girls Nights Out and Late Dinners

February 27, 2017

Hey All -

First time poster but have lurked off and on this site for awhile.

About our marriage - been married 9 years (first marriage for the both of us), have two kids, one of which is special needs. She's an accountant and travels about once a week.

Her social circle is much larger than mine and has been for years, probably a combination of:

1) She's native to the area while I am not

2) She has work lunches and work dinners constantly

3) More of an extrovert

Now this hasn't been an issue in the past but what was once a minor nuisance has grown terminal for me and here's why.

1) Having a special needs child (6 years old) makes it rather difficult to get a sitter and difficult for her and I to have private time together. Once our oldest gets to be a few years older he'll be able to help out so that's less of an issue. I don't personally feel comfortable having a regular babysitter come over to watch him. I'm very protective of him.

2) She constantly goes out to lunches - both with her friends and 1x1 with male company - recruiters, talent specialists, out of town visitors where she has to represent the company. These lunches and the frequency of them have grown quite a bit. I think its odd for her to have 1x1 lunches like that but she says its part of her role - I don't complain about it.

3) She has a work dinner two to three times a week - leaving me who is regularly at home to watch both children, feed them and get the ready for bed. I've told her she needs to tone that down but said its bad for her career and she enjoys it.

4) While she asks (and I don't tell her no) she always wants to join her single friends for a Girls Night Out - once again sticking me with the role of being super dad and then having to accommodate her further the next morning because she has a headache and can't help with the kids, etc.

So all those factors have been stewing in my head for a while - two weeks ago, she went out for a girls night out and for whatever reason something in me just snapped. On Monday, I told her I am going out on Friday to grab some drinks and something to eat and to meet some new friends.

You could hear nothing but silence from her - she was totally in silence. I told her she needed to watch the kids and I'll be home late. For the past few days after that she asked if she should be worried or concerned and that its odd for a married man to want to go to a bar for drinks especially by himself. Fast forward, I went out that Friday and throughly enjoyed my time alone. I went shopping for some new clothes, I went to a restaurant/bar and talked to some guys, had dinner and some drinks and came home around 11.

She was waiting up when I got home and I got the cold shoulder and constant questions - she kept saying she's been faithful and to ask her friends (I'm sure they wouldn't lie or anything (sarcasm)) and apparently thinks I am out trying to meet women. I told her she is way overthinking it. She keeps saying its good for me to have me time but then in the same breath raising all sorts of concerns about it.

I don't understand her concerns and don't understand why she apparently feels I am not entitled to have some nights to myself. I expect more drama will unfold the next time she wants another work dinner or girls night out.

Any thoughts on this long winded chain of events?

Edited February 27, 2017 by stephenv1994

February 27, 2017

I would think that since you guys have a special needs child your wife's first priority would be spending her free time with her child. I could understand if she was a stay at home mom and needed a break but that is not the case. It sounds very selfish. Also you deserved a night out so don't feel guilty. She was probably more angry that you got to go out and she didn't.

February 27, 2017

My first thought is "guilty conscience"....she's worried that you're doing exactly what she's been doing. I would ask her, "So, what makes you immediately jump to that area of concern?" She how she responds.

I too while male, have many business lunches but i always steer clear of business dinners as I am concerned for both my family time as well as my clients family time. If they ask for a dinner, I suggest lunch and only if they insist, will I agree. Sometimes, I will suggest they bring their spouse and I bring mine.

That being said, I do think you might loosen up on the babysitter issues. You two do need to have alone and recharge time as a couple. This is very unhealthy what you are doing with the reluctance of finding a babysitter. Your wife may simply need some recharge time and since you're unwilling to join her, she's going out with the girls. This is a risky step as it is taking time away that could be used for bonding between you two.

Please think about it and keep a watch to see that she's not already engaging with someone else inappropriately.

February 27, 2017

Uh, no real advice. This is one of the many reasons why I have been steadfast in my choice to not have children. They simply must become your top priority in so many facets of life - and it sounds like she has not made them that top priority.

I remember being aghast at the parting words of a friend's husband - "you're cramping my style".

It was the kids, and married life, and the different kind of lifestyle they demand that "cramped his style".

I don't know what the solution is. For me, life "in" not being able to freely go out because getting a sitter is out of the question sounds miserable. But, I don't have children.

February 27, 2017

My first thought is "guilty conscience"....she's worried that you're doing exactly what she's been doing. I would ask her, "So, what makes you immediately jump to that area of concern?" She how she responds.

I too while male, have many business lunches but i always steer clear of business dinners as I am concerned for both my family time as well as my clients family time. If they ask for a dinner, I suggest lunch and only if they insist, will I agree. Sometimes, I will suggest they bring their spouse and I bring mine.

That being said, I do think you might loosen up on the babysitter issues. You two do need to have alone and recharge time as a couple. This is very unhealthy what you are doing with the reluctance of finding a babysitter. Your wife may simply need some recharge time and since you're unwilling to join her, she's going out with the girls. This is a risky step as it is taking time away that could be used for bonding between you two.

Please think about it and keep a watch to see that she's not already engaging with someone else inappropriately.

Thanks for the reply - one comment, she doesn't invite me to those kinds of things. I almost feel like it's expected of me to be home and available to watch the kids so she can go out. In the past, I've suggested for her to call her parents for her to watch the kids so I can go out with her (her parents live an hour away) but that never materializes.

I almost feel like I am too available and to a degree a doormat where she knows I have nothing to do or places to go so it's expected I'll just do my fatherly duties while she goes out. I can't explain it, but going to the bar and out by myself a week ago is very much out of my character

February 27, 2017

It's called projection or transference. This could be a very bad sign that she is acting less than appreciate on her nights out. I find it odd that she would be so unsettled with you going out one night....

Now I would shut up about it all and keep your eyes open...Check phone records. It's also odd she would jump right to I'm faithful ask my friends.

February 27, 2017

If the work events are legitimate & they are in many industries, leave them alone. Whether she eats lunch alone at her desk or with other people that is still work time.

However, constant GNOs when you don't get to go out with the guys, is not fair. There needs to be at least equity so you get time off too. Respite care is important when you have a special needs person so the caregiver doesn't burn out.

Your wife sounds selfish. Have you considered MC?

February 27, 2017

It's called projection or transference. This could be a very bad sign that she is acting less than appreciate on her nights out. I find it odd that she would be so unsettled with you going out one night....

Now I would shut up about it all and keep your eyes open...Check phone records. It's also odd she would jump right to I'm faithful ask my friends.

Me going out like that is very much out of my character - not entirely sure why I snapped like that and just drew the line and said I'm going out. So I suppose on her end she is probably thinking WTH. The comments about her being faithful I find odd also - I know that on her GNOs she would go to a dance club/bar - I personally hate those places.

I also find it odd why she keeps asking if she should be worried or automatically assumes I am trying to meet women. I'm simply looking or more male friends/conversations.

February 27, 2017

Hey All -

First time poster but have lurked off and on this site for awhile.

About our marriage - been married 9 years (first marriage for the both of us), have two kids, one of which is special needs. She's an accountant and travels about once a week.

Her social circle is much larger than mine and has been for years, probably a combination of:

1) She's native to the area while I am not
2) She has work lunches and work dinners constantly
3) More of an extrovert

Now this hasn't been an issue in the past but what was once a minor nuisance has grown terminal for me and here's why.

1) Having a special needs child (6 years old) makes it rather difficult to get a sitter and difficult for her and I to have private time together. Once our oldest gets to be a few years older he'll be able to help out so that's less of an issue. I don't personally feel comfortable having a regular babysitter come over to watch him. I'm very protective of him.

2) She constantly goes out to lunches - both with her friends and 1x1 with male company - recruiters, talent specialists, out of town visitors where she has to represent the company. These lunches and the frequency of them have grown quite a bit. I think its odd for her to have 1x1 lunches like that but she says its part of her role - I don't complain about it.

3) She has a work dinner two to three times a week - leaving me who is regularly at home to watch both children, feed them and get the ready for bed. I've told her she needs to tone that down but said its bad for her career and she enjoys it.

4) While she asks (and I don't tell her no) she always wants to join her single friends for a Girls Night Out - once again sticking me with the role of being super dad and then having to accommodate her further the next morning because she has a headache and can't help with the kids, etc.

So all those factors have been stewing in my head for a while - two weeks ago, she went out for a girls night out and for whatever reason something in me just snapped. On Monday, I told her I am going out on Friday to grab some drinks and something to eat and to meet some new friends.

You could hear nothing but silence from her - she was totally in silence. I told her she needed to watch the kids and I'll be home late. For the past few days after that she asked if she should be worried or concerned and that its odd for a married man to want to go to a bar for drinks especially by himself. Fast forward, I went out that Friday and throughly enjoyed my time alone. I went shopping for some new clothes, I went to a restaurant/bar and talked to some guys, had dinner and some drinks and came home around 11.

She was waiting up when I got home and I got the cold shoulder and constant questions - she kept saying she's been faithful and to ask her friends (I'm sure they wouldn't lie or anything (sarcasm)) and apparently thinks I am out trying to meet women. I told her she is way overthinking it. She keeps saying its good for me to have me time but then in the same breath raising all sorts of concerns about it.

I don't understand her concerns and don't understand why she apparently feels I am not entitled to have some nights to myself. I expect more drama will unfold the next time she wants another work dinner or girls night out.

Any thoughts on this long winded chain of events?

Glad you are finally waking up. Thus new "reality" out there is that women are entitled to do anything they want to and if you object to any of it you are a jealous control freak.

Lets start with her work. Lunches with men are not that unusual UNLESS there are lunches that are not necessary that carry on to after work alone time meetings. You might want to start reading a book called "Not Just Friends", and make her read it with you, which will in detail explain how the workplace is now the single most common "incubator" of affairs and inappropriate behavior. No one here has any clue if she has crossed any boundaries but you need to honestly discuss your feeling with her and not be intimidated by the narrative crap.

Basically, she has assigned you to be babysitter or childcare custodian while she does everything and anything she wants with no explanation. That needs to change.

The book I suggested will also tell you that this constant Girls night Out after all the work stuff is also not healthy. Now i am sure i will get the usual hysterical comments about she deserves girls night out, but ignore it. There is a big difference in getting together with her friends for dinner or at someones house versus going to play Spring break with a bunch of single women in clubs. Basically, what do you think happens when her single friends invite men to their table. Your wife is there all night long playing hostess to men trying to hit on her. If this is something she "needs" on a regular basis, something is not right. And then to top it off you go out ONE night and face a barrage of cold shoulder and questions. But of course, everything she does it TOTALLY INNOCENT AND ACCEPTABLE. Are you noticing something is not equal here.????But if you cross examine her you are a jealousy freak.

So you need to have a come to jesus meeting with her and come to some boundaries and expectations that are acceptable to you as well as her, and stop playing Mr. Mom while she lives as if she is single.

And lastly, i suggest you google "signs your wife is cheating" and if on top of what you have described you see any of those things happening, you better come back for some more advice

February 27, 2017

So then she's all 'Do as I say, not as I do' eh?

It flags that they know what they're doing is wrong but don't care to do right.

At best she's just a hypocrite. At worst, well, maybe you should schedule STD testing for you both.

February 27, 2017

Glad you are finally waking up. Thus new "reality" out there is that women are entitled to do anything they want to and if you object to any of it you are a jealous control freak.

Lets start with her work. Lunches with men are not that unusual UNLESS there are lunches that are not necessary that carry on to after work alone time meetings. You might want to start reading a book called "Not Just Friends", and make her read it with you, which will in detail explain how the workplace is now the single most common "incubator" of affairs and inappropriate behavior. No one here has any clue if she has crossed any boundaries but you need to honestly discuss your feeling with her and not be intimidated by the narrative crap.

Basically, she has assigned you to be babysitter or childcare custodian while she does everything and anything she wants with no explanation. That needs to change.

The book I suggested will also tell you that this constant Girls night Out after all the work stuff is also not healthy. Now i am sure i will get the usual hysterical comments about she deserves girls night out, but ignore it. There is a big difference in getting together with her friends for dinner or at someones house versus going to play Spring break with a bunch of single women in clubs. Basically, what do you think happens when her single friends invite men to their table. Your wife is there all night long playing hostess to men trying to hit on her. If this is something she "needs" on a regular basis, something is not right. And then to top it off you go out ONE night and face a barrage of cold shoulder and questions. But of course, everything she does it TOTALLY INNOCENT AND ACCEPTABLE. Are you noticing something is not equal here.????But if you cross examine her you are a jealousy freak.

So you need to have a come to jesus meeting with her and come to some boundaries and expectations that are acceptable to you as well as her, and stop playing Mr. Mom while she lives as if she is single.

And lastly, i suggest you google "signs your wife is cheating" and if on top of what you have described you see any of those things happening, you better come back for some more advice

Please pay close attention to this and begin to watch for signs...you've already said that the babysitting duties have cut into your intimate time with your wife (not necessarily referring to sex but time you two spend talking and expressing your feelings to each other).

BTW, how is your sex life???? Any recent changes?

February 27, 2017

Actually more intimacy the past few months - thought its still not great. Probably twice a month...was once a quarter believe it or not.

February 27, 2017

Actually more intimacy the past few months - thought its still not great. Probably twice a month...was once a quarter believe it or not.

Sorry my friend. At your age, which is probably relatively not real old, you are having minimal intimate time yet your wife has plenty of time to have lunch, dinner, and social outings with other men as well as her single friends.

I hope you google what I suggested, and please don't tell us in your next post that all her electronics are locked so you cannot see anything.

Right now, your wife is spending more time dining and socializing with other men and her girlfriends than you, while you manage the household.

Read some of these stories on here about what happens when you assume with this behavior that it could never happen to you. And one of the signs of cheating, as you will read, is accusing you of doing something wrong, and drilling you which she has done.

Playing ostrich right now is the worst thing you can do,.

February 27, 2017

Now I would shut up about it all and keep your eyes open...Check phone records. It's also odd she would jump right to I'm faithful ask my friends.

What DKT3 says right there ^^^^^

It's like she has been practicing this script in her head so much that she forgot where the proper cue was to actually make that statement and got WAY ahead of herself.

My XW liked GNO's as well and no, she wasn't behaving like she claimed. She went to clubs and concerts. She got to pretend to be single (and that's the secret pleasure of hers right there) and she screwed around. She felt entitled to it all as if she missed out on being single in her 20s. It was all at the expense of me and our two boys. Well, now she gets to miss out on staying married and is back into the dating scene in her 40's. She doesn't look or act so youthful and spirited these days, more like real life sucked it all out of her and left her an empty shell.

My new wife does GNO's as well, as she calls them, but they mostly are her and her female co-workers/friends (all female, no men) and every 2nd Friday they go to eat dinner at a restaurant they haven't tried before or to their usual spots. They occasionally invite the husbands too, especially when they want extra wine or margaritas to celebrate a birthday, promotion, what have you. We husbands know each other so we are all comfortable and there are no questions or concerns. Also, my wife almost always brings back something from the restaurant for me and the kids to snack on when she gets back then tells me all about what her and her friends talked about. She is 7yrs younger than my XW and is way more mature than her. She doesn't feel the need to relive her twenties because she already lived them. She's embracing becoming a more mature woman and celebrating it with her friends. I believe this was more in line with what you were doing on your own night out, correct?

I bet you that if you asked her for her phone right now that the conversation will go something like this -

You - Hey, can I see your phone right now?

Her - What? Why?

You - I just want to look through it real quick.

Her - <suddenly grasping it close to her chest> NO! It's my phone! You have to respect my privacy!

And that there is the red flag key word - Privacy - that should get your attention. Give it a try. If she does react this way, start downloading the phone bill to look at later to analyse the usage info (calls/texts) and see if there is a certain number (or few) that keep appearing over and over again. If she actually does give you her phone then by all means look through it. If she has a separate work cell, ask to look through it as well. Watch her reaction and her body language. If she seems defensive in any way, she is hiding something.

But then again, she may only be doing all that she claims. Just hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

February 27, 2017

I've been in finance for 30+ years and have never heard of that many business lunches or dinners consistently.

Maybe once a year if that.

Doesn't smell right to me or her seemingly projection on you which is odd.

You don't know what you don't know.

Check your phone bill first. See if that's in order

February 27, 2017

I think your nights out ought to become a regular thing. Start working out, too.

This is a situation/dynamic that screams to have a monkey wrench thrown into it.

February 27, 2017

I've been in finance for 30+ years and have never heard of that many business lunches or dinners consistently.

Maybe once a year if that.

Doesn't smell right to me or her seemingly projection on you which is odd.

You don't know what you don't know.

Check your phone bill first. See if that's in order

Especially for accountants. All of my accountants work almost exclusively internally, my scheduler is the exception who deals with outside vendors and customers.

Edited February 27, 2017 by DKT3

February 27, 2017

Additionally you both deserve more away time to be better parents to your children....as of the moment, she's the only one getting that away time....you NEED this time together, just the two of you if your marriage is to survive. Many more marriages fail when additional hurdles exist and having a special needs child certainly qualifies as an additional hurdle.

Were it me, I would sit her down and tell her that if you two don't make each other a priority and do the "going out" together, you have serious concerns on your children's family's future.

February 27, 2017

Ok, so I'm going to play the Devil's advocate here because I'm sure my husband feels this way.

My husband is an extreme introvert, also an alcoholic but that neither here nor there. He only has 2-3 friends he sees maybe 2-3 times a year. He doesn't communicate with his family, he's just an introvert.

Me- I'm a social freaking butterfly who can't hold still for five seconds. I always ask for permission, he says yes, then blows up about it and calls me a terrible wife.

So what's going on here? Communication is KEY. If you aren't telling her that this makes you uncomfortable, then you NEED to. The reason she's freaked out about your sudden change is because it's outside of your normal character. It's not weird for her (and her personality) to be doing these things, but because you suddenly stood up (without warning) and said OMG I'M GOING TO DO THINGS AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME probably scared the everloving crap out of her.

But then she could be cheating on you.

The point is that these things don't just happen from one perspective. Look at it from all sides and look into yourself for the truth. Your feelings are valid, you just need to learn to express them in a way that she gets it.

February 27, 2017

This is a situation/dynamic that screams to have a monkey wrench thrown into it.

Couldn't agree more.

stephenv1994, since our spouse's infidelity brought most of us here, that tends to be the lens through which we see everything. I have no idea if your wife is cheating.

But what is clear is her selfish and inappropriate approach - unfortunately, with your help - to after-work activities is threatening your marriage. As GorillaTheater has suggested, you need to blow up the current system and replace it with something fair to both of you and beneficial to your relationship. The focus of any free time away from work and kids should be each other, not GF's, GNO's or dance partners.

Time for you to step up and speak up...

Mr. Lucky

February 27, 2017

Couldn't agree more.

stephenv1994, since our spouse's infidelity brought most of us here, that tends to be the lens through which we see everything. I have no idea if your wife is cheating.

But what is clear is her selfish and inappropriate approach - unfortunately, with your help - to after-work activities is threatening your marriage. As GorillaTheater has suggested, you need to blow up the current system and replace it with something fair to both of you and beneficial to your relationship. The focus of any free time away from work and kids should be each other, not GF's, GNO's or dance partners.

Time for you to step up and speak up...

Mr. Lucky

Any how exactly does one "blow up the system"? After reading the great replies on here, I understand her surprise but I still find her comment of "me going out alone" as inappropriate, I even clarified its not like I am going out to meet women - but she is grasping on to that comment come hell or high water

February 27, 2017

She's selfish and is using your outing to make you feel guilty because if you continue to have a "mans night out" it will prevent her from going out. So she is using the excuse that you are looking for another woman to keep you home babysitting so she can go out and party.

February 27, 2017

Ok, so I'm going to play the Devil's advocate here because I'm sure my husband feels this way.

My husband is an extreme introvert, also an alcoholic but that neither here nor there. He only has 2-3 friends he sees maybe 2-3 times a year. He doesn't communicate with his family, he's just an introvert.

Me- I'm a social freaking butterfly who can't hold still for five seconds. I always ask for permission, he says yes, then blows up about it and calls me a terrible wife.

So what's going on here? Communication is KEY. If you aren't telling her that this makes you uncomfortable, then you NEED to. The reason she's freaked out about your sudden change is because it's outside of your normal character. It's not weird for her (and her personality) to be doing these things, but because you suddenly stood up (without warning) and said OMG I'M GOING TO DO THINGS AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME probably scared the everloving crap out of her.

But then she could be cheating on you.

The point is that these things don't just happen from one perspective. Look at it from all sides and look into yourself for the truth. Your feelings are valid, you just need to learn to express them in a way that she gets it.

Empathy can't be found where there is none. Honestly, Op shouldn't have to express to his wife that he needs a wife and his kids need a mother.

The problem isn't really him seeing her perspective, but her seeing his.

The two things that really stand out is how she is reacting to him doing something on his own. For her to jump right to it meaning he is looking for another woman is problematic for multiple reasons. Secondly, the I'm faithful comments which goes hand in hand with the first part. Really, would a faithful wife get so shook by this and proclaim her fidelity? Sounds very odd that it's the first place her mind went in view of her own actions. What does it really say about her outings, what is really the experience like?

No I disagree, he knows her perspective, that is she is selfish and places a higher value on her night life then how it affects her family. No wife and mother should need this pointed out to her.

February 27, 2017

She's definitely a cake eater. If she's not cheating now, she soon will be. And I suspect she is now.

February 27, 2017

GNO events are not per se a problem....assuming that they're part of a healthy married equilibrium including BNO and even more importantly, 1:1 couple time and also socializing in couples. However, it seems your marriage has none of the above. GNO should never outnumber married couple dates. I'd say one date night a week for H and W would make a monthly GNO or BNO seem reasonable.

Work lunches are normal.....the workplace is full of men so it's hard to avoid. They'll be with a variety of men and women and plenty of group lunches (which basically means 4 or 5 people walk or drive somewhere to get a burger or sandwich). The thing that surprises me is to hear that an accountant has so many lunch obligations, and even more so, dinner obligations. Unless she is a commissioned sales person or a managing partner with responsibility for client acquisition, it's just....surprising.

So yes, there is most definitely a problem in your marriage. I recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Buy two copies. Good luck!

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