Gaeta Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Some guys are players and abusive and flakes. My bf was none of those so I did have a lot of trust in him. I am not talking about trusting he is honest, or trusting he won't steal from you. I am not talking about that type of trust. I am talking about you could not trust him with your HEART. He never listened to you and never took interest in what you had to say so why did he deserved you trust him with your heart? You could not trust him to listen to you, you could not trust him to confine your worries in him, you could not trust him to advice you on your concerns because he was not there for you. He blocked you out and you still gave him your heart.
Author Emaize3 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 So there are sooo many different elements of trust. Some men deserve trust in one aspect but not another. It all sounds like a big puzzle and we have to find every single piece. Why do I always get a puzzle with missing pieces? Lol. I went out with a friend tonight which was nice and I'm back home now with my thoughts again. I really really want to send him a letter!! Men don't deserve to be rude to women and walk away scot free! It kills me knowing that he can kick me out and be on his merry way!! Not on my watch!! 1
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 Some guys are players and abusive and flakes. My bf was none of those so I did have a lot of trust in him. Some guys are . . . abusive . . . - He wasn't . . . until he was. And, let me remind you that you came here because his behavior was bothering you. Something was wrong with the relationship or else you wouldn't have come here. This is the reason you need to manage your expectations and emotions for a while when dating someone new. They usually start showing you who they really are at some point. And, isn't it funny that he said he threw his last girlfriend out because SHE didn't like or talk to his kids when that's the same thing you were seeing FROM him. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 So there are sooo many different elements of trust. Some men deserve trust in one aspect but not another. It all sounds like a big puzzle and we have to find every single piece. Why do I always get a puzzle with missing pieces? Lol. I went out with a friend tonight which was nice and I'm back home now with my thoughts again. I really really want to send him a letter!! Men don't deserve to be rude to women and walk away scot free! It kills me knowing that he can kick me out and be on his merry way!! Not on my watch!! really really want to send him a letter!! -- DON'T DO IT. Lots of women think that if they send a guy like this a letter, it will make them realize the error of their ways. It doesn't work that way. If they had any ability to empathize at all, they wouldn't do what they do to a woman. So a letter won't mean squat. He already showed you he doesn't care one tiny bit about what you think or have to say -- he threw you out because you had something to say/talk to him about. Do you really think he will even read it? Beyond that, anything at all you do from this point on will make you the 'CRAZY EX' if he speaks of your time with him. I'd say he's already painting it that way in his mind anyway. Don't let him know you are spending one minute fretting over him. Don't give him that satisfaction. 3
Lorenza Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 So there are sooo many different elements of trust. Some men deserve trust in one aspect but not another. It all sounds like a big puzzle and we have to find every single piece. Why do I always get a puzzle with missing pieces? Lol. I went out with a friend tonight which was nice and I'm back home now with my thoughts again. I really really want to send him a letter!! Men don't deserve to be rude to women and walk away scot free! It kills me knowing that he can kick me out and be on his merry way!! Not on my watch!! Men don't deserve to be rude and still get women to send them letters. They only deserve total and utter silence. That is the only way to keep your dignity, to show disapproval of his behaviour and to, in a way, punish him for it. Any kind of reaching out (even if it's you telling him off) is gonna give him the opposite impression. You reach out - you care, to him it means that he wasn't that wrong in treating you like garbage after all. You'd be back for more, so he must be the one in the right. 4
Zahara Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 Yes, a sternly worded letter should put him in his place. Please. Men like him DO NOT CARE. He's going to read the first line and likely 1) snicker 2) label you a drama queen 3) justify in his mind that he did the right thing. He didn't care for your feelings then but he's now going to care about your letter? You want to be mad, redirect that anger. Use it to propel you forward and to remain steadfast with no contact. 5
Gaeta Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 So there are sooo many different elements of trust. Some men deserve trust in one aspect but not another. It all sounds like a big puzzle and we have to find every single piece. Why do I always get a puzzle with missing pieces? Lol. I went out with a friend tonight which was nice and I'm back home now with my thoughts again. I really really want to send him a letter!! Men don't deserve to be rude to women and walk away scot free! It kills me knowing that he can kick me out and be on his merry way!! Not on my watch!! When a man wants to walk out of your life, you let him. 3
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 Yes, a sternly worded letter should put him in his place. Please. Men like him DO NOT CARE. He's going to read the first line and likely 1) snicker 2) label you a drama queen 3) justify in his mind that he did the right thing. He didn't care for your feelings then but he's now going to care about your letter? You want to be mad, redirect that anger. Use it to propel you forward and to remain steadfast with no contact. OP, negative energy should be used for positive purposes -- you're pissed off, you use the energy to do something positive for YOURSELF -- clean closets, take down the curtains and wash them, wash the blinds. Spruce up the place. Buy new curtains, new throw pillows, new comforter, etc. Go out and buy yourself something you've always wanted, but don't become a shop-a-holic Redirect the energy. 2
Author Emaize3 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 I was ready to write the letter but after reading all your posts, I guess I won't . I just wanted to remind him of what a loser he is is that I feel sorry for someone with so many issues. Lol. Guess I won't. 1
WaitingForBardot Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 I guess I didn't realize that him asking me to leave was so bad. That's why I'm on here to get my head clear. I was more concerned about the fact that he was too chicken to "man up" and talk to his gf. Yes, very bad. If someone asked me to leave their house, for any reason, they woudn't have the opportunity to do it again, ever! Men don't deserve to be rude and still get women to send them letters. They only deserve total and utter silence. That is the only way to keep your dignity, to show disapproval of his behaviour and to, in a way, punish him for it. Any kind of reaching out (even if it's you telling him off) is gonna give him the opposite impression. You reach out - you care, to him it means that he wasn't that wrong in treating you like garbage after all. You'd be back for more, so he must be the one in the right. Yup! Nothing stings like indifference.
WaitingForBardot Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 One other comment: I think smart people in general and scientists in particular are getting a bum rap in this thread. Neither of these things have anything to do with the fact that this guy behaved poorly. And the reference to Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory is a good case in point. I have known people that behaved like him in real life and, unlike the show would have you believe, they have few if any friends and usually no LT girlfriends. OTOH, I have known a number of extremely smart, gifted even, people that are quite down to earth and have no problems making/having friends and successful LTRs. 1
Author Emaize3 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 True. I'm not slamming scientists but all he likes to talk about is chemistry (he's a chemist) and the stress of his high level job. When you talk to him, he's silent (you can almost see the wheels turning in his head). It's like you can feel him thinking. He is highly intelligent- so I think he is all about the books and that's it!
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 Some guys are players and abusive and flakes. My bf was none of those so I did have a lot of trust in him. Not a player or a flake but disinterested in your kids to the point of extreme rudeness and a man who obviously did not like to hear anything from you, he didn't agree with. At least players usually tend to be fun... at least at first. 1
Author Emaize3 Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 So we all know we're going to do what we feel we need to do. I texted him letting him know that how he treated me was pretty sad and that he should just stay single since he has no room on his heart for any other person. I also explained that I was sharing my feelings and not attacking him. I did this for my own piece of mind and glad i did. I was hoping he wouldnt text back and he didn't. He did however block me from all social media which was only a matter of time anyway. I am so depressed. Now that the shock from what happened a week ago is over, I am so sad! I miss him and I miss us!! I have zero motivation. I go out with the girls but feel void. I went back online (yes already) because that's who I am!! I want to dust myself off and keep trying. I have too much love to offer. I'm just so damned sad that once again I meant nothing. How do they just walk away?? We even had a trip planned and couples massages planned. Someone tell me how men can do that?? Are they completely void of emotions?? 1
spiderowl Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 And, isn't it funny that he said he threw his last girlfriend out because SHE didn't like or talk to his kids when that's the same thing you were seeing FROM him. Emaize, note he said he threw his last girlfriend out. This is a pattern of behaviour for him. He goes along until someone questions him and then bam! I bet if you spoke to any of his exs they would have a similar story to yours and ended up with the same shocking conclusion. He is a very weird guy and best left alone. I'm sorry he hurt you. These people leave a trail of destruction behind them. 3
spiderowl Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 So we all know we're going to do what we feel we need to do. I texted him letting him know that how he treated me was pretty sad and that he should just stay single since he has no room on his heart for any other person. I also explained that I was sharing my feelings and not attacking him. I did this for my own piece of mind and glad i did. I was hoping he wouldnt text back and he didn't. He did however block me from all social media which was only a matter of time anyway. I am so depressed. Now that the shock from what happened a week ago is over, I am so sad! I miss him and I miss us!! I have zero motivation. I go out with the girls but feel void. I went back online (yes already) because that's who I am!! I want to dust myself off and keep trying. I have too much love to offer. I'm just so damned sad that once again I meant nothing. How do they just walk away?? We even had a trip planned and couples massages planned. Someone tell me how men can do that?? Are they completely void of emotions?? Emaize, this is so reminiscent of a guy I dated and how he treated me. He also was a scientist/IT type. I have worked with scientists and I know that dedicated research scientists do tend to be very focused on their work and quite unemotional about anything but their work. I have noticed deficits in how they treat people. Not all are like this, but a good proportion are. What you might be missing logically here (but not on an emotional level) is that what he did to you was an aggressive act. He was cold, he told you to leave, he has ignored you since, he has cut you off. He is being cruel and aggressive. This is his true nature. Most people do not want to end relationships like this even if they feel they need to end it. Yes, this guy is cold and heartless. You will get over him but I know it takes time. xx 1
Zahara Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I went back online (yes already) because that's who I am!! I want to dust myself off and keep trying. I have too much love to offer. I'm just so damned sad that once again I meant nothing. How do they just walk away?? We even had a trip planned and couples massages planned. Someone tell me how men can do that?? Are they completely void of emotions?? That's who you are? You have so much love to offer? No, you're out there again because you want a replacement. You need to have a man fill that void. Your self-esteem is in the tank. You can't offer anyone anything with a broken heart. Love yourself enough to heal your wounds first. To allow yourself self-reflection. When you go looking for men to fix your pain, you often go in with blind eyes because you're so desperate for comfort. You get yourself into more issues because most times they can smell your vulnerability and desperation. You can't make wise decisions when you're hurting. Stop seeking men to validate you. The man you picked was void of emotions. He has been showing you that all along. 1
Lorenza Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Emaize, I agree with Zahara, don't jump into online dating just yet. Anything that will result from it will just be a rebound at this point since you're clearly hurting. That wouldn't be fair to neither you nor the people you'd meet. We cannot offer love to anyone until we can be at peace with ourselves, by ourselves. Only when you can feel clearly enough, that the source of your happiness is what you find within, only then you have love to offer. Otherwise it's just seeking validation. I also thought I loved the men who were in my life before until I realized quite recently that I only loved what I thought they'll give me if I stayed with them. Just like you I clinged onto flawed relationships and would start looking for another one as soon as one would fail. And sure enough they all failed miserably. You can go on with your old ways and not listen to any of the advice you're getting just like you did about the message you sent to that guy, but id really recommend you to at least listen to this one: heal, find happiness within yourself, build confidence and only then look for men, preferably without grave flaws in them 1
Author Emaize3 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Posted March 6, 2017 I am confident. Yes, I want a distraction and yes I like the attention. But, I am confident and I know what I want. I don't plan on jumping into anything unless I know it's a good fit. I think I'm a great catch and I know a man will enventually appreciate me. I agree it's very soon to do this but I have spent countless minutes, hours, days just grieving the loss of a relationship. I like the distraction and if I don't do this- I'll grieve and grieve hard. I know myself better than anyone. But I still need support, even here because I do hurt. 3
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I am confident. Yes, I want a distraction and yes I like the attention. But, I am confident and I know what I want. I don't plan on jumping into anything unless I know it's a good fit. I think I'm a great catch and I know a man will enventually appreciate me. I agree it's very soon to do this but I have spent countless minutes, hours, days just grieving the loss of a relationship. I like the distraction and if I don't do this- I'll grieve and grieve hard. I know myself better than anyone. But I still need support, even here because I do hurt. Then you wonder why you always end up with losers? You have no business online. You'll just be wasting people's time and you'll end up with another emotionally unavailable man, then you'll cry again why this always happens to you. You're a grown woman, get a grip on yourself. You're a mother before and foremost remember that. This is just a man you dated a few months, you've lost nothing. There are other things in life than having a 'guy' in your life. It's a good time for you to seek a support group and a good therapist. 3
Redhead14 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I am confident. Yes, I want a distraction and yes I like the attention. But, I am confident and I know what I want. I don't plan on jumping into anything unless I know it's a good fit. I think I'm a great catch and I know a man will enventually appreciate me. I agree it's very soon to do this but I have spent countless minutes, hours, days just grieving the loss of a relationship. I like the distraction and if I don't do this- I'll grieve and grieve hard. I know myself better than anyone. But I still need support, even here because I do hurt. Emaize, yes, it may hurt some. However, you only dated this guy for a couple of weeks! Think about that. Your "bond" to him so soon was all about who you wanted/hoped/envisioned he would be, not who he really is/was. You just got to the point where you saw the real him and you were lucky it happened so soon. grieving the loss of a relationship -- This was not a relationship. It was one-sided. A relationship is a two-way thing. This was just a guy you dated for a couple of weeks . . .
Redhead14 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Emaize, I got you mixed up with another poster. But my advice is the same, even at 6 months with this guy, you're just attached to who you thought/wished/hoped he would be. This guy has been showing you for a while that he's wasn't "connected". Just be good to yourself and patient.
Author Emaize3 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 Hi again. I know there isn't much anyone can say here to make me feel better except to remind me that my ex is scum. I'm not doing well at all. I don't have a lot of friends, so I'm bored and really, really missing HIM!! I did exactly what everyone told me not to do. I went through the natural grief process of shock, anger, sadness and then desperation. Of course i sent a few texts and emails, only to be ghosted by him. After he kicked me out- that was the last I've seen and heard of him! I had a panic attack when I realized that I'll never hold him again or see him again. I'm diving in head first with online dating (yes, I know what you are all going to say!). Lol. I need a distraction. I know me. Please remind me of why I shouldn't be missing him. It's really killing me that he won't talk to me but then again, that's why he left me.
EZNona Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 Hi again. I know there isn't much anyone can say here to make me feel better except to remind me that my ex is scum. I'm not doing well at all. I don't have a lot of friends, so I'm bored and really, really missing HIM!! I did exactly what everyone told me not to do. I went through the natural grief process of shock, anger, sadness and then desperation. Of course i sent a few texts and emails, only to be ghosted by him. After he kicked me out- that was the last I've seen and heard of him! I had a panic attack when I realized that I'll never hold him again or see him again. I'm diving in head first with online dating (yes, I know what you are all going to say!). Lol. I need a distraction. I know me. Please remind me of why I shouldn't be missing him. It's really killing me that he won't talk to me but then again, that's why he left me. Hey lady! I'm very sorry to hear you had a panic attack!! You're freaking out because the end was very abrupt and over something so minute as you just telling him how you felt and your heart hasn't been able to catch up to your mind of convincing you that this guy was a certifiable douchebag. It's normal to miss someone after a breakup, but he is definitely not worth any of your time. Don't you send another text or email. I bet he's getting so much joy out of you pining over him and he's probably also thinking he made the right choice cutting you loose. Girl, don't do that to yourself. This guy doesn't want to deal with a woman's emotions. He can't handle that and it's best you seek out someone who can... Have you thought of joining some local meetup groups? You need some things going on in your life that is fulfilling! As far as online dating is concerned, I would give yourself a month of healing before getting serious with that again. You were only with him for 5-6 months, so I don't see anything wrong with jumping back in the dating pool in a month's time. It's not like you were in some long standing relationship. Like I always say, keep it moving!!!
Author Emaize3 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 Thank you EZNona. Your first paragraph hit the nail on the head. I have to keep being reminded of what he did. I just don't get how we had all these plans and he freaked out and doesn't care now. It's so sad. Do some men just not "feel"?
Recommended Posts