Am I at fault or him? Now what??

[kendahke]

If given a choice between the love you think you can machine out of him or your children, which would you choose?

[Emaize3]

So I caved!! Sent a text just saying "hey". I only wanted to make small talk to see if he cooled down. No answer!!!! It's been 5 hours and he never takes more than 30 to 60 mins to answer if he's working. So, My last bf broke up with me over the phone while at work and this one didn't even have the courage for that! Wow! This has been my life folks. No wonder I have low self esteem! And yes, I've been to lots and lots of therapy. Guess what? Nothing heals when you keep getting beat up, right? And I DO want a relationship so being ok with myself is not what I want to hear. I've been by myself and a lot!! Yes, I have plenty to do at home- but it doesn't fill the void. I'm tired of not having a partner when I have so much to give. I'm not well today at all.

[olivetree]

So I caved!! Sent a text just saying "hey". I only wanted to make small talk to see if he cooled down. No answer!!!! It's been 5 hours and he never takes more than 30 to 60 mins to answer if he's working. So, My last bf broke up with me over the phone while at work and this one didn't even have the courage for that! Wow! This has been my life folks. No wonder I have low self esteem! And yes, I've been to lots and lots of therapy. Guess what? Nothing heals when you keep getting beat up, right? And I DO want a relationship so being ok with myself is not what I want to hear. I've been by myself and a lot!! Yes, I have plenty to do at home- but it doesn't fill the void. I'm tired of not having a partner when I have so much to give. I'm not well today at all.

 

It's natural that you feel worse after reaching out to someone that treated you badly and rejected you and having him not respond.

 

But this was not about just making small talk.

You are still looking to him to fill the void in you.

 

What can help you heal is walking away sooner from bad relationships and people that don't meet your standards - and you need to raise your standards very, very much.

 

So forgive yourself for making contact with him and for allowing him to treat you and your children badly.

But don't let it happen again.

Stop giving him chances to reject you.

If he replies, don't respond.

Doing these things is like building muscle - the more you do them, the stronger you get.

[Redhead14]

So I caved!! Sent a text just saying "hey". I only wanted to make small talk to see if he cooled down. No answer!!!! It's been 5 hours and he never takes more than 30 to 60 mins to answer if he's working. So, My last bf broke up with me over the phone while at work and this one didn't even have the courage for that! Wow! This has been my life folks. No wonder I have low self esteem! And yes, I've been to lots and lots of therapy. Guess what? Nothing heals when you keep getting beat up, right? And I DO want a relationship so being ok with myself is not what I want to hear. I've been by myself and a lot!! Yes, I have plenty to do at home- but it doesn't fill the void. I'm tired of not having a partner when I have so much to give. I'm not well today at all.

 

No wonder I have low self esteem! -- The word "self" in self-esteem is the operative/important part . . . If your source of esteem comes from an outside source, especially, men, and more especially this one, you aren't loving YOURSELF. These men are not the reason you have low self-esteem. Focus on what you do have not what you don't have. Because the things you do have will be grown and gone in the blink of an eye . . . and if you've missed one minute of that process by having a pity party over a douc*chebag, you'll be kicking yourself later. Use that emotional energy to do something positive for yourself and your children and family.

 

You're beating yourself up over a guy you've only been dating for 4 months and have found that he wouldn't have been a good partner for you, wouldn't have been a good role model for your children and likely not a good partner for anyone if he is so emotionally stunted and abusive. That is not a reflection on YOU, it's a reflection on him. I would love to be a fly on the wall of any of his past dating partners . . .

[Emaize3]

Thanks guys. Clearly it doesn't matter but a lot of posters are saying we were together 4 months, but it was 6 months. I know- basically pointless at this juncture. Anyway, my last two relationships (including this one) were actually very healthy. I didnt even realize they're so bad under the surface. I don't allow myself to be in a relationship with a tool, which is why i calmly try to express my concerns.

[travelbug1996]

So you mean to tell me that YOUR son was in a bad car accident and he wasn't there for you. Yet you still reach out to him days later and he hasn't even responded to ask how YOUR son who was in a car accident was doing??

 

He is a classic passive aggressive who will not emotionally support you EVER!! And you are blaming yourself WHY??

 

There is nothing wrong with expecting the person you are having sex with to acknowledge your children and build a friendship with them.

 

There IS something wrong with not expecting that.

There is something wrong with not having a supportive bf.

 

Stop beating yourself up. Block his number and move on. Next time take time to see if a man will be there for you when its really important. Next time observe how a man interacts with your children.

 

I'm sure the signs were there. You HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION.

[Mrromantic]

He just sounds like a mean guy to be honest

[Emaize3]

He would ask me by text how my son was doing. But in person with my son right there resting (the same night of the accident) he said nothing. By text he was good at supporting me and he mostly would text. In person, totally different. I guess I thought he was so great because he was there for me with his actions, not words. Usually it's the other way around with people. They always say it's the actions that are important so he was spot on with his actions. Again- it was his words or "lack" thereof that was the problem. I'm so upset! Can't believe he's ghosting me now!!!

[EZNona]

So I caved!! Sent a text just saying "hey". I only wanted to make small talk to see if he cooled down. No answer!!!! It's been 5 hours and he never takes more than 30 to 60 mins to answer if he's working. So, My last bf broke up with me over the phone while at work and this one didn't even have the courage for that! Wow! This has been my life folks. No wonder I have low self esteem! And yes, I've been to lots and lots of therapy. Guess what? Nothing heals when you keep getting beat up, right? And I DO want a relationship so being ok with myself is not what I want to hear. I've been by myself and a lot!! Yes, I have plenty to do at home- but it doesn't fill the void. I'm tired of not having a partner when I have so much to give. I'm not well today at all.

 

Girlllll, let me tell you a little secret that you must not have figured out just yet. Men are a pain in the butt!! They weren't lying when they said 'sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find yourself a prince'.

 

But seriously, self-esteem and confidence goes a long way to building attraction from a worthy guy. And it's all about your perception of life. When these men broke up with you, you took it as if something was wrong with you and let it effect your self-esteem. But a strong, confidant woman who knows her worth would immediately think something was wrong with them and that they missed out on a great woman.

 

You're a dam good woman and you deserve the best! Keep saying that to yourself everyday until you start to believe it. You'd be amazed by what you attract when you have the right state of mind.

 

I know these past few days have been rough for you. No breakup is easy, but I do hope you feel better soon. If you couldn't tell, I'm giving you a internet hug right now.

[Redhead14]

He would ask me by text how my son was doing. But in person with my son right there resting (the same night of the accident) he said nothing. By text he was good at supporting me and he mostly would text. In person, totally different. I guess I thought he was so great because he was there for me with his actions, not words. Usually it's the other way around with people. They always say it's the actions that are important so he was spot on with his actions. Again- it was his words or "lack" thereof that was the problem. I'm so upset! Can't believe he's ghosting me now!!!

 

Can't believe he's ghosting me now!!! -- That is simply a reflection of his emotional deficit. He likely avoids emotions/confrontation at all costs. This is what we've been trying to point out to you.

 

By text he was good at supporting me and he mostly would text.

 

I guess I thought he was so great because he was there for me with his actions, not words

 

These two statements contradict one another. This tells me that you only focused on the few little things he did which likely any "friend" might do -- look at your car, etc. and drive you to the hospital but drop you off like an Uber driver (as I said earlier).

 

He would mostly text his "support" because he is unable to express them personally/emotionally if he had them at all. He an avoidant at best.

 

Words and actions should support each other. When there are few words, though, the actions should clearly compensate for the lack of words. Men aren't often/always verbal, but their actions will really show you "where" they're at. You won't be wondering very much, anyway.

 

it was his words or "lack" thereof that was the problem -- No, words weren't the problem, he has other problems.

 

Earlier you said you were tired of not having a partner -- not having a partner is 100 times better than having a partner who is wrong for you. I promise you, if this guy stuck around, you would be having a one-sided relationship. Feeling lonely while in a relationship is worse than feeling lonely and in one.

 

When you think of him and I hope you don't do much of it, think about how lonely and embarrassed you felt on that walk home when he threw you out. And, how it felt to be dropped at the door of the hospital and watch him drive away. That couldn't have felt good. That is how you would be feeling often if you continued with him.

[Lorenza]

You need to understand one thing - there's no such thing as bad luck with men and relationships. It only happens because some of us have no sense of pride and self-preservation. We create our bad luck by accepting the bad things thrown at us. Just like everybody else we have a chance to not accept it, not tolerate it, delete it from our lives and be our own best friends instead of worst enemies.

 

You act like your own enemy by:

a) continuing to date a man with bright red flags

b) still wanting him after he stonewalled you

c) you clearly would take him back if only he came back

So that's your "bad luck", you just made it. You act in ways that will condemn you rather than create your own happiness.

[Gaeta]

So I caved!! Sent a text just saying "hey". I only wanted to make small talk to see if he cooled down. No answer!!!! It's been 5 hours and he never takes more than 30 to 60 mins to answer if he's working. So, My last bf broke up with me over the phone while at work and this one didn't even have the courage for that! Wow! This has been my life folks. No wonder I have low self esteem! And yes, I've been to lots and lots of therapy. Guess what? Nothing heals when you keep getting beat up, right? And I DO want a relationship so being ok with myself is not what I want to hear. I've been by myself and a lot!! Yes, I have plenty to do at home- but it doesn't fill the void. I'm tired of not having a partner when I have so much to give. I'm not well today at all.

 

My self-worth and my life overall got drastically better the day I understood I was 100% responsible for what and who I allowed in my life. You don't seem to have done that connection yet.

 

You make outsiders responsible for your happiness and non-happiness while it's you the master of your life. You shape your life with who you let in.

 

I once dated a man for an entire year fully knowing he was emotionally unavailable but hoped he'd change. I knew every minute I invested in him was on ME. When we split a year later I was sad of course but I didn't blame him, I didn't blame life for being unfair on me. I knew I was 100% responsible for letting him in. When you understand that it's much easier to move on after a break up.

[Emaize3]

Thank you Eznona and Redhead14! I appreciate the hugs and great advice!! I do understand why he's ghosting me- I guess when I say I don't understand, it's because of disbelief.

[Redhead14]

Thank you Eznona and Redhead14! I appreciate the hugs and great advice!! I do understand why he's ghosting me- I guess when I say I don't understand, it's because of disbelief.

 

Believe it . . . ghosting is a common response from people who are emotionally crippled/stunted. And, when you've been dating someone who seems so uninvolved/disinterested/detached, you should actually expect it to end this way. I'll bet you dollars to donuts, this is how he's exited other relationships if the women didn't "figure him out" before he could do that.

 

You say he is a scientist -- If you've ever watched Big Bang Theory, you'll see that your guy was probably "similar" to Sheldon. Sheldon has a very low EQ and doesn't really relate to/understand/can't read emotions and, therefore, has little empathy or ability to interact on that level. He operates from a completely cerebral place. He has made quite a bit of progress in that regard over the years, however, poor Amy has been in a holding pattern for a long, long time.

[Emaize3]

Thank you once again for your wisdom and hugs. I'm human so I'm really hurting now. Can barley work- just spiraling downwards and feel so worthless. I know it will pass and grieving happens in stages. No stranger to the process. I'm keep grasping for new men. I know- so bad- so wrong. It's my only way to have closeness with the opposite sex, even though it's not love and temporary. Although I have not actually acted in a physical sense with anyone (yet). I'm really smarter than this/ just a bad time for me.

[spiderowl]

Oh wow, what an awful way to behave towards you! You have met a guy who is unempathic. He wants to vent about his problems but cares nothing about yours. He shows no sign of caring towards your son. He does not possess empathy. There is little you can do to change this. In your position, I would not be asking whether he was done but would have dumped him. He will never change and he is not worthy of a lovely, caring person like you.

 

Sorry it has turned out like this. Please take note in future of signs of empathy in a guy. Does what he says about caring actually match what he does? These are important. There can be no happy relationship with someone who lacks empathy.

[rushed]

Thank you once again for your wisdom and hugs. I'm human so I'm really hurting now. Can barley work- just spiraling downwards and feel so worthless. I know it will pass and grieving happens in stages. No stranger to the process. I'm keep grasping for new men. I know- so bad- so wrong. It's my only way to have closeness with the opposite sex, even though it's not love and temporary. Although I have not actually acted in a physical sense with anyone (yet). I'm really smarter than this/ just a bad time for me.

 

I feel ya. I've been there. It's fun and distracting. But in the end it doesn't really get you anywhere most of the time. I've no real advice to give to you at this point. All that "work on yourself" and "you need to learn how to be alone" stuff never really set with me. Just wanted to say that I know what you're feeling.

[spiderowl]

Thank you once again for your wisdom and hugs. I'm human so I'm really hurting now. Can barley work- just spiraling downwards and feel so worthless. I know it will pass and grieving happens in stages. No stranger to the process. I'm keep grasping for new men. I know- so bad- so wrong. It's my only way to have closeness with the opposite sex, even though it's not love and temporary. Although I have not actually acted in a physical sense with anyone (yet). I'm really smarter than this/ just a bad time for me.

 

I can imagine how you are feeling. I was there once too and in that case the guy was an IT guy - systems analyst. He was sweet and said a lot of nice things, but he had a temper. He never turned it on me but I think when I challenged him at once point - quite reasonably - he suddenly changed. He became mean-spirited and cold and said he needed 'time to think'. Thrown by the sudden change - and rather foolishly - I let him have time to think. He came and talked to me after a week and basically finished things. I was shocked and pretty devastated. I really felt it as a rejection and was desperate to understand. However, he was cold and cut me off.

 

Looking back, I see a totally different picture. I can see a guy who was saying nice things but actually resented doing anything nice. He wasn't nice to the management of a restaurant and complained about slow service.The service was a bit slow but the place was packed so they were bound to be busy. He had to walk away from me on one occasion because he was annoyed that I'd asked him to move his car as a neighbour's son tends to park where he parked. He literally turned on his heel and walked away from me down the road and I wondered what where he was going. He was nowhere near the car. He was actually trying to cool down! Yes, he got angry in a flash. Asking him if he wouldn't mind moving his car a bit sent him into a rage! I think he knew he had a temper and had learned to manage it by walking away and cooling off or cutting off. As soon as he felt a mild disagreement, he couldn't discuss it because of the anger. I see now that this is why he reacted as he did. He was in fact intending to hurt and lashing out at me by his actions. That was the kind of guy he was. I think that might be the kind of guy you are dealing with.

 

Believe me, I am so glad we broke up. I am sure life with him would have been more and more stressful with me feeling like I was walking on eggshells trying not to upset him. He would have become abusive; I have no doubt about that. People can keep their composure for a while in a new relationship, but there comes a time when you see their true colours. You don't need closure with this guy; he has shown you he can be cold and rude. You do need to adjust to the fact that you've seen the real him and it isn't pretty. Sorry for what you are going through; the good thing is you found out before you two considered sharing a home.

Edited March 2, 2017 by spiderowl

[Emaize3]

Thanks guys! Sometimes it's just nice to know that you all understand what I'm feeling instead of getting advice. I need to be strong and keep reading these posts! I don't want to be with someone that does not have any empathy for another and I did realize that which Is why I tried talking to him. What a jerk!

 

And one poster said he had no EQ (emotional intelligence). I never heard of that before but I looked it up and that sounds like him.

[kendahke]

So I caved!! Sent a text just saying "hey". I only wanted to make small talk to see if he cooled down. No answer!!!! It's been 5 hours and he never takes more than 30 to 60 mins to answer if he's working. So, My last bf broke up with me over the phone while at work and this one didn't even have the courage for that! Wow! This has been my life folks. No wonder I have low self esteem! And yes, I've been to lots and lots of therapy. Guess what? Nothing heals when you keep getting beat up, right? And I DO want a relationship so being ok with myself is not what I want to hear. I've been by myself and a lot!! Yes, I have plenty to do at home- but it doesn't fill the void. I'm tired of not having a partner when I have so much to give. I'm not well today at all.

 

I understand that you're feeling low and therefore are saying things out of frustration and anger, but you need to be pulled back from the precipice here.

 

You caved because there is a bigger part of you that wants to "win" with this man compared to the part of you that demands respect of your esteem and intelligence and that of your children. The onus here wasn't on you to reach out: the onus was on him. You hadn't done anything except ask for clarification--and he doesn't believe you deserve that, so he's not going to have a conversation with someone who he feels doesn't deserve any more out of him other than punishment, which is what is going on here. Your relationship is now a parent/child dynamic and you're the child being punished.

 

He didn't break up with you over the phone. This guy broke up with you to your face the minute he told you to get out of his house. You seem to think you still had a relationship once you left his house that night, but it's clear that as far as he's concerned, it's over.

 

The issue of your low self esteem is a result of you wanting what you want and choosing to not see what doesn't fit or isn't working/isn't right. When it fails, it becomes your self-fulfilling prophecy. In theory, this guy might seem like a catch, but in practicum, this guy is a total mess. He had been showing you for some time who/what he was, but you were choosing to ignore it. You're going to have to ask your therapist to help you get to the "why"'s of that.

 

You wanting to be in a relationship is all well and good, but a relationship with the wrong man will set you back further than not being in a relationship at all. You can't sex a man into a relationship and you can't make someone like you/want you/want to be with you and in your life when they are showing you that they don't. This guy ignoring your children in their own home was him showing you that you and your life really dont' matter to him outside of him getting sex from you. He was able to make you show your children that they didn't matter as much to you as keeping him in your life did when he was allowed to repeatedly come into their home and ignore them--and that's a horrible example to put in your children's faces.

 

Hey, I get tired of not having a partner during large stretches of being alone, but I prefer to be alone than to be with someone who disrespects my child, doesn't give a rip about what I think about or what I want from my relationship with them and puts me out of their house when I speak up. Trying to make this man be who you want him to be is a colossal waste of your time and youth because he doesn't want to be that man and there is nothing you or any of us can say to him to make him change his mind. You either accept that this is how he is and take whatever you can scrape off of him and be quiet and content with that or you leave and quit making lame excuses about why you don't want to be alone.

 

It's far better to get out of a bad situation 4 months in than to be in it for 15 years and you're further behind from where you started, emotionally, as well as having 15 years of your youth gone, never to come back.

[Emaize3]

Hi Kendahke- I never thought that was a break up when he kicked me out. Wow! He did tell me once that a gf lived with him and he told her to pack up and leave. The reason for that was that she didn't like him or his kids and wouldn't touch him. I loved him and his kids and he got plenty of sex with me. Needless to say, as each day passes, I'm getting more depressed.

[Redhead14]

Hi Kendahke- I never thought that was a break up when he kicked me out. Wow! He did tell me once that a gf lived with him and he told her to pack up and leave. The reason for that was that she didn't like him or his kids and wouldn't touch him. I loved him and his kids and he got plenty of sex with me. Needless to say, as each day passes, I'm getting more depressed.

 

The reason for that was that she didn't like him or his kids and wouldn't touch him -- You are/have seen why. If his attitude/demeanor/treatment was the same with her . . . you're just seeing history.

 

I loved him and his kids and he got plenty of sex with me. -- It/he was still pretty "new". How do ya feel about having sex with him now?

 

I'm getting more depressed -- I get that you're disappointed that things couldn't work with this guy, but being depressed over a guy like this and being treated poorly, I'm not gonna let you get away with. Shake your crazy off and get back to living your life as the strong, secure, independent woman you were before he came along. This guy is not worth one minute of emotional energy. If it were a husband or a long-term boyfriend, yeah, but not this guy!!!!!

Edited March 3, 2017 by Redhead14

[Emaize3]

I suppose, but every time i try to get "strong" from the last one- it happens again. It doesn't matter if I see someone new again in a month or wait 10 years. How the heck am I supposed to put any kind of trust in men again?

[Gaeta]

I suppose, but every time i try to get "strong" from the last one- it happens again. It doesn't matter if I see someone new again in a month or wait 10 years. How the heck am I supposed to put any kind of trust in men again?

 

You don't 'put' trust in men. You grant your trust in men when they deserve it. They have to earn it, and it's not earned in a couple of months.

 

If a man cannot listen to me, cannot take interest in what I say, cannot follow up with things I said, then he is not worthy of my love or my trust. Handsome and smart is not enough for me to put my trust in a man.

[Emaize3]

Some guys are players and abusive and flakes. My bf was none of those so I did have a lot of trust in him.