Am I at fault or him? Now what??

[rushed]

Funny, he's always there for me when my car breaks down as mentioned by another poster. He's happy to look at it and fix it and he happily drove me to the hospital on the fly, no questions asked.

 

These are things, that while very much appreciated, are so easy to do and they require zero emotional effort, which make up a very important part of any relationship.

 

My boyfriend is socially awkward as well. Like yours, he will go on and on about his day at work, and like you I'll ask questions about it and continue the conversation so he feels supported. That's what a good partner does. On occasion I'll talk to him about something that's been emotionally taxing to me. My boyfriend seems to lack the capacity to offer me comfort or ask follow up questions unprompted, sometimes even changing the subject. It's during these times that I've had to gently prompt him, "Don't you want to hear more about ... ?" or "I've listened to you talk about ... It would be really nice if you could ask me questions about my ..." It's kind of a pain, but once my boyfriend realizes that I need more from him, he's happy to try and make up for it. It just doesn't come instinctively to him. However, your guy sounds like he doesn't even want to make the effort.

 

Like others have said, having a boyfriend that ignores your kids would be a deal-breaker for me. My kids are the most important people in my life. I was thrilled when I was on my way to take the kids to school this morning and my boyfriend told me sleepily from bed that he had a really good weekend and had a great time with the kids (He bought a bunch of magnets for the family and on Saturday we all sat around happily building things, and Sunday we all went on a hike together.). I would not be with a man who ignores my children.

[Emaize3]

Disillusionment--he is also an organic chemist in pharmacology. I would've thought this was your dad until I read on. Lol

 

Rushed-- I think you communicate your feelings to your bf pretty well. You seem to deal with the same lack of emotions from him as I've dealt with.

 

Well, day two and nothing yet. I'm guessing since he hates confrontation, emotions and communicaton, the easy way out is to just bow out.

 

If he's willing to work on this issue because he cares about me, then I'll give it a shot. Honestly, I don't see that happening and it's probably over.

 

I swear I'm a magnet for failed relationships!

[EZNona]

Wow d0nnovain- I'm so sorry! That's awful!! I guess I should clarify too that we do not live together and when he abruptly told me to leave, in was just me visiting him (movie, date, what have you). Funny, he's always there for me when my car breaks down as mentioned by another poster. He's happy to look at it and fix it and he happily drove me to the hospital on the fly, no questions asked. However, I think everybody replying to me has the same advice. I still haven't heard a peep from him but I suppose it shouldn't matter. You all know my heart is hurting though.

 

Girl, that's just as bad. I mean you're a grown woman and he kicked you out of his home without even a blip of an apology right away. You had to do a walk of shame back home. That is humiliating.

 

And he's letting it be known that you can never go to him to talk about an issue in the future.

 

Although him not speaking to your children (this is so unbelievably rude) should have been the deal breaker for you, him basically telling you to 'get the hell out' should most certainly be the nail in the coffin.

 

I can't even imagine a man saying something like that to me. Not only would I leave, I would slam the door so hard that it'd fall right off the hinges!!

 

Close the case on this one and seek out a man who has both mental and emotional sanity.

[Emaize3]

Thank you. Seems pretty clear to all of you. Lol. I wish I could be "that" mad! You're right- I had to do the walk of shame back home. I should just think of that. I'm so sad right now knowing that I can't even text him. This threw me off balance for sure. Never thought he was capable of kicking me out (he's so easy going). He probably thinks "I" should apologize since I "attacked" him. Don't worry- I know when to apologize but I won't apologize for this!! Not necessary on this end.

[whichwayisup]

Hello,

 

I haven't been here since my horrible break up over a year ago. Since then, I met a wonderful man. He's loving, caring, good looking, great in bed, etc. I consider myself lucky. We are in our 40's and are approaching the 6 month mark. I know that nobody is perfect and this man does a lot of things "right" in a relationship. Here's my problem- he isn't very supportive when I need it. For example, he has no problem talking about work and his stress. He's a scientist and sometimes he'll go on and on about his daily work and even though it's over my head (I'm in banking), I still support him and make conversation. When I am stressed, he usually ignores me and changes the subject. Another thing - he never says hello to my kids (17 & 18). He ignores them when he comes over. I'm always cordial and talkative to his kids!! My son got in a bad car accident and although my bf did take me to the hospital, he did not offer to stay. That night when my son was home, my bf didn't say hello to him or ask how he was feeling - nothing! Sooo, I decided to bring it up thinking that he should be aware of my feelings. Mind you, we never fight or disagree. He stood up and said that he hates confrontation and asked me to leave! I was shocked! He said that's who he is and I'm attacking him and we both have so much on our plate and he doesn't need this! I told him that I loved him and wasn't attacking him and always support him. Wow!! That was last night and it's 3 pm here now and I haven't heard a peep from him. Are we done? Did I screw up? Should I try to fight for him as he really is wondeful in all other ways. I'm so confused and scared. I never get this right!!! Any advice is appreciated.

 

Dump him. Seems like this guy was looking for an out and he bailed on you so many times emotionally. He isn't long term material.

[EZNona]

Thank you. Seems pretty clear to all of you. Lol. I wish I could be "that" mad! You're right- I had to do the walk of shame back home. I should just think of that. I'm so sad right now knowing that I can't even text him. This threw me off balance for sure. Never thought he was capable of kicking me out (he's so easy going). He probably thinks "I" should apologize since I "attacked" him. Don't worry- I know when to apologize but I won't apologize for this!! Not necessary on this end.

 

Good for you! Your head is getting in the right place. Right now it sucks because it's kind of unresolved, but don't look back. You can find better. There are plenty of men in the world that will at least acknowledge your son's existence. It's not that hard.

 

I'm rooting for you!!

[Ronni_W]

You all know my heart is hurting though.

Emaize3,

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting - take whatever time you need to heal properly.

 

Choosing this guy, or trying to make it work with this guy, was going to represent to your children that you, at least tacitly, approve of this guy's rude and anti-social behaviour; and also send to them the -conscious or subconscious - message that how they are treated by your friends doesn't count for too much or doesn't matter at all (even if they outwardly may have appeared to be okay with it).

 

Again, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[Gaeta]

If he's willing to work on this issue because he cares about me, then I'll give it a shot.

Seriously, are you THAT desperate? you would give a chance to a man that kicked you out. Where is your pride? Like someone said you had to do the walk of shame to go back home and if you take this guy back you'll have to do another walk of shame, the walk of shame in front of your children while you walk back to him.

 

Don't become one of those women who put crappy men before their own kids.

 

I swear I'm a magnet for failed relationships!

You are because you accept to date men with bad character. The first time this man had ignored my child he'd be history. There would be no relationship therefore no failed relationship story to tell.

[Emaize3]

I guess I didn't realize that him asking me to leave was so bad. That's why I'm on here to get my head clear. I was more concerned about the fact that he was too chicken to "man up" and talk to his gf.

[Gaeta]

I guess I didn't realize that him asking me to leave was so bad. That's why I'm on here to get my head clear. I was more concerned about the fact that he was too chicken to "man up" and talk to his gf.

 

It's not about being too chicken. Your boyfriend has no problem speaking up his mind and taking actions. He is not weak. Do not view him as weak. He took action and he picked to *reject* you.

 

I have learn one thing in life. A man does not talk about his feelings when he doesn't have feelings to talk about. It's as plain as that.

[kendahke]

I guess I didn't realize that him asking me to leave was so bad. That's why I'm on here to get my head clear. I was more concerned about the fact that he was too chicken to "man up" and talk to his gf.

 

Yes. That is bad.

 

As to him "man-ing up" and talking to you--he does talk to you. He tells you to get out of his house with no problem.

 

This man doesn't have a communication problem.

 

You have a self esteem issue that you need to address if you'd let someone talk to you/treat you like he has and are trying to find ways to twist yourself into a different kind of pretzel so that you convince him that you and your life are worth being in his life. That should be self evident and standing on its own two feet without you trying to machine or manipulate him in that direction. He should be there of his own accord and volition. He's not, no matter how many "nice things" he does for you. Where it counts, he is not dependable.

 

It's better to be alone than to be treated the way this guy treats you and your children. At least it's a better example for your children to see.

[Ronni_W]

I guess I didn't realize that him asking me to leave was so bad.

Emaize3,

The way he treated your children, which you have allowed for a number of months already, was terrible. Him ordering you out of his house was tame by comparison -- it

was juvenile and rude, yes, but please do consider the impact you will have on your children, before you try to make things right with this man. There isn't any justification or reason or excuse.

 

Why not wait until you find someone who treats your children at least as well as you yourself want to be treated?

[Emaize3]

Well I still have no closure. And the sadness kicks in....

 

By the way... I will not allow him to treat me that way which is why I haven't contacted him.

[Redhead14]

I guess I didn't realize that him asking me to leave was so bad. That's why I'm on here to get my head clear. I was more concerned about the fact that he was too chicken to "man up" and talk to his gf.

 

There's nothing "chicken" about him. He's communicates very well, he's just not verbal about it

 

He doesn't acknowledge your children - Silent meaning: I don't give a crap about your children.

 

He left you at the hospital as if he were an Uber driver - Silent meaning: I don't give a crap about you and your health or need for support.

 

He kicked you out instead of talking to you - Silent meaning: I don't give a crap about your feelings/needs/opinions and I don't even want to look at you let alone talk to you.

 

This guy is completely and totally self-centered/selfish. You are doing yourself a favor by moving on from this guy. He's showing you that he is not relationship material.

 

If he ever calls you again, don't answer. Then block and delete.

[Zahara]

Well I still have no closure. And the sadness kicks in....

 

By the way... I will not allow him to treat me that way which is why I haven't contacted him.

 

Your closure is that you do not want to be with someone that treats you unkindly and openly dismisses your children. That's your closure because you decide to empower yourself by enforcing a boundary and a standard.

 

Not contacting him means absolutely nothing when you've allowed him to treat your children poorly for the past few months.

[Redhead14]

Your closure is that you do not want to be with someone that treats you unkindly and openly dismisses your children. That's your closure because you decide to empower yourself by enforcing a boundary and a standard.

 

Not contacting him means absolutely nothing when you've allowed him to treat your children poorly for the past few months.

 

"you decide to empower yourself" -- OP, this is the exact, straight up facts. There is no such thing as closure FROM another person. Closure comes from within yourself when you take back the power/control you are giving them.

 

If you push for 'closure' from this guy, you are going to be in a whole 'nother world of hurt -- if you push him to become verbal and talk about all this, he will give it to you UNSUGARCOATED and RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES. I PROMISE YOU THAT.

 

 

[Ronni_W]

Well I still have no closure. And the sadness kicks in....

 

By the way... I will not allow him to treat me that way which is why I haven't contacted him.

What are you telling yourself 'closure' would mean, in this case? That is, what do you think-feel you are missing that you need to have, in order to close the case on this?

 

I was referring to how he treated your children (which, you allowed) - and how he would treat them in the future - NOT to how you allow him to treat you.

[Lilyana76]

Him not acknowledging my children and then telling me to get out would be all the closure I would need.

[kendahke]

Well I still have no closure. And the sadness kicks in....

 

 

Sadness won't kill you. Closure is what you get on your own. It's not a scene from some mediocre movie script and he just needs to memorize his lines.

 

He's not going to listen to your "closure" speech anymore than he was going to listen to you when you wanted him to act like he's got sense when he comes into your children's home and refuses to acknowledge that they exist.

 

You keep trying to find ways to keep someone who has contempt for your children. Being with you means that your children come as part of that package deal and you expect for him to behave as if they're there, especially when he is in their house.

 

This isn't some 20-something year old with social issues: this is a grown 40-something year old man who is stubborn and set in his ways. His ways are that your children are an irritant to him to the point where he ignores them when he's in their space. That right there should have been his first and last visit to your house.

 

You're not going to get closure with him. Get it for yourself. Write out everything that you want to say then burn it. Trust me, you'll get more out of that than squandering your dignity and grace through some closure moment with you trying to convince a man who doesn't want to be 100% present in your life that you're worth sticking around and trying. Honey, if he ain't there, he ain't gon' be there. He doesn't have it like that for you.

[rushed]

Well I still have no closure. And the sadness kicks in....

 

By the way... I will not allow him to treat me that way which is why I haven't contacted him.

 

Good for you! I'm rooting for you, too.

 

I know it's hard right now, and despite his abhorrent behavior you still miss him. But you know what is best for you and for your family. This guy is not it. (I mean, jeez, who kicks someone out just because they want to discuss something?) Stay strong.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I didn't realize that him asking me to leave was so bad. That's why I'm on here to get my head clear. I was more concerned about the fact that he was too chicken to "man up" and talk to his gf.

 

The thing that concerns me, the way he has treated your kids. That is a deal breaker. You and your kids are a package deal and if he can't speak to them, be nice and considerate then he isn't the one for you. Put your kids first. Always.

 

You're better off with NO man than settling for one who treats you poorly.

[whichwayisup]

Well I still have no closure. And the sadness kicks in....

 

By the way... I will not allow him to treat me that way which is why I haven't contacted him.

 

Make your own closure. He isn't going to give you any. Most men can't. Closure comes within and really at the end of the day what counts is YOUR thoughts and YOUR feelings, not him.

 

Cry and grieve the loss and just know that him not being in your life anymore is a good thing. As time goes on you'll see this..And feel so much better.

[Emaize3]

This has been the worst day ever! It started bad and stayed that way. just to clear things up- my bf was not a jerk and he was never "mean" to my kids. He Just didn't know how to talk to them or greet them. Apparently, he panicked when i said I would appreciate a little more support from him. I've been down this road so many times and I know everybody will say I'm making excuses for him. I'm not- I just think I painted an uglier picture than what it really was. I thought I meant something. Anyway, I'm writing again because I'm REALLY feeling the sting today. I have no desire to reach out but neither does he and that hurts. I'm sure I will crack eventually, maybe a letter. Either way I feel worthless after all these breaks ups. I just can't get it right. I do have needs and I feel I might go down a destructive path of "friends with benefits" with other men. Nothing "substantial" seems to work but that does. I guess I need to vent today- really struggling. Thx for all who's been listening and lifting me up. I don't like pity parties but today I'm throwing a pity party.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Emaize3

[Zahara]

my bf was not a jerk and he was never "mean" to my kids. He Just didn't know how to talk to them or greet them.

 

Another thing - he never says hello to my kids (17 & 18). He ignores them when he comes over. I'm always cordial and talkative to his kids!!

 

Does he talk to his own kids or is he mute with them too? Does he know how to greet the cashier at the grocery store or is he mute too? Does he greet you when he sees you or is he mute too? Does he greet someone when he's on the phone with them or is he mute too?

 

He is dismissive of your children. They don't exist in his eyes. I'm not sure how this has been acceptable for you.

 

My son got in a bad car accident and although my bf did take me to the hospital, he did not offer to stay. That night when my son was home, my bf didn't say hello to him or ask how he was feeling - nothing!

 

Please stop minimizing his behavior. And stop making excuses to justify acceptance of his behavior in your head.

 

Have you lowered your standards to such an extent that you're accepting and tolerant of a man that can't even utter the words "How are you, son?" Doesn't know how to talk to them or greet them is the making of a very poor excuse on your part.

 

Either way I feel worthless after all these breaks ups. I just can't get it right. I do have needs and I feel I might go down a destructive path of "friends with benefits" with other men.

 

I believe Kendahke mentioned something about your self-esteem. The above is indicative of it. Until you realize that a man doesn't define your worth and that it's perfectly fine being alone, infact it's empowering - you'll head down that road seeking validation from men, even if you have to go down that destructive friends with benefits. That's how desperate you are to be needed, loved and wanted.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Zahara

[Gaeta]

He Just didn't know how to talk to them or greet them.

 

Oh please!! We are talking about an adult male here! He can't greet a couple of teens! How does he greet his boss? his co-workers? his customers and suppliers? How does he survive in the work force without greeting?

 

Either way I feel worthless after all these breaks ups.

A man comes into your life for 4 months, does a pretty bad job overall, and you feel worthless? C'mon. You are an accomplished woman, mother of 2 great kids, you certainly have a good job, friends and family to make you feel worthy.

 

I just can't get it right. I do have needs and I feel I might go down a destructive path of "friends with benefits" with other men. Nothing "substantial" seems to work but that does..

Take on a home project like remodeling your bathroom and throw yourself 2 feet in that project. You don't need a fwb now, you don't need other men now. All this is just a band-aid on the wound. Look face on to your wounds, accept them and let them heal.

 

Now, get on the phone, book yourself a manicure and a new haircut, then stop at home depot and pick your new bathroom color.

 

There is more to life than men!

Edited March 1, 2017 by Gaeta