kamu7 Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Back in January I was online dating after a messy breakup and met a guy I liked.. we went on a few dates (he asked, although he didn't make a huge amount of effort with communicating or anything). I went on holiday for a few weeks and we continued to text. I returned and we saw each other and slept together (so on the fourth date). Back story is that last year I got really burned my ex who was seeing other people while we were seeing each other-- I had assumed he would be upfront if he was but he wasn't, and had expected me to ask the precise nature of the open rs he was in. Because of that experience I fully intended to ask the new guy whether he was seeing anyone else/if he only wanted something casual or more before sleeping together (and if he was seeing someone else/only wanted casual I wouldn't). However, I got caught up in the moment (I know I know I know) and felt like I'd be a bit accusatory asking afterwards. He seems really sweet and I wouldn't expect him to be, (but then again I didn't expect my ex to be sleeping around either). He's asked me to hang out again this week (although I'm not free until the weekend) and implied he wants to keep seeing me after that. Now I'm feeling a bit upset at myself for not having asked and anticipating that if/when I do I'll get told that he only wants something casual and that he's seeing someone else too (or will lie about it or something), or that I'll simply scare him off. We're not free to see each other again until next weekend so any conversation like that in person would have to wait. And I'm slightly worried I'll either chicken out or get overly emotional or express myself badly in person (or get chucked and lose it). How do I broach the subject? And is there any way of bringing it up earlier over messaging or something? Is it weird/too much pressure to send a text message asking? Am I over-thinking it because I was hurt by my ex? I don't want to scare him off but I'd definitely like to know if he's anti-exclusivity and am kicking myself for not having checked earlier. He doesn't take much initiative so I wouldn't expect him to initiate an exclusivity conversation even if he wanted that.. I know my girl friends are saying that it's too much pressure etc etc but honestly I don't want to play any games or get hurt again..
Tressugar Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 I'm in the same boat as you and with similar particulars surrounding of getting burned by the ex. I'm curious to read your responses from the viewers.
Erik30 Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 I think it's fair to bring up being exclusive after a couple of dates, plus you guys had sex. If I'm really into someone it wouldn't scare me off, I would actually like knowing the girl isn't seeing anyone else either. (But that's me) It's probably better to talk about it in person, but just text him if you want to know for sure right now. Doesn't really matter that much since it's still early on, and things are not that serious yet. 2
kgcolonel Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 How is it that one can sleep with someone easier than they can ask about the boundaries of their interaction? This screams of insecurity..... 2
Author kamu7 Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 Thanks Erik30, I'll try to do it in person just because I think that's nicer/easier to talk things through--I think I got a bit agitated/wanting to ask immediately because I'm still quite hurt by the past ex. Kgcolonel, really? I think it was more being caught up in the moment and feeling (perhaps naively) safe/trusting of him. It's only when I am alone and think about it rationally that I think 'I should ask in case he turns out to be a jerk like my ex who claimed that he had no duty to be upfront about other girls and I had to pry to figure out the extent of our 'exclusivity''. I'm not afraid of asking, I just am trying to figure out how to bring it up without getting overly antagonistic/emotional (again because of the past)
preraph Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 You met him in January, and this is February, and you were gone for weeks on vacation, so you can't have dated him enough to be asking for exclusivity, really. I mean, that's too soon. And you don't even know him well enough to know that he wouldn't just tell you what you want to hear if you do ask him. So I see no point. What you should do it keep dating and see if he brings it up. 2
Author kamu7 Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 Really? I mean I'm not asking for a rs, I'm just saying that if he is or plans on sleeping w someone else that he tell me so I don't waste my time/get too emotionally invested etc. I mean he can decide to sleep w someone else if he wants- but then I'm out of the picture. I think that is certainly fair enough. 3
Miss Spider Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 (edited) Really? I mean I'm not asking for a rs, I'm just saying that if he is or plans on sleeping w someone else that he tell me so I don't waste my time/get too emotionally invested etc. I mean he can decide to sleep w someone else if he wants- but then I'm out of the picture. I think that is certainly fair enough. I think its totally fair to know if he's sleeping or intends to sleep with others while you're sleeping with him, especially with STDs out there. People do this all the time. As long as you're aware it doesn't mean it isn't casual or he wants a committed relationship bfgf. That takes a diff conversation. Women string themselves along so long in exclusive "non-relationships" with a guy they really like and get heart/ego broken when the guy fades slowly after months of exclusive fwb and gets a GF three weeks later. Edited February 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough
preraph Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Really? I mean I'm not asking for a rs, I'm just saying that if he is or plans on sleeping w someone else that he tell me so I don't waste my time/get too emotionally invested etc. I mean he can decide to sleep w someone else if he wants- but then I'm out of the picture. I think that is certainly fair enough. You're not going to be able to trust his answer because he could just say what he knows will keep you or any other woman happy. If you don't want to have sex with someone who is free to date other women, then you shouldn't be having sex with them this soon. If you don't want a rs, then why do you care if he's dating others or sleeping with others? I don't think you're being honest about not wanting a relationship. I mean you're asking for a nonrelationship with an agreement to only have sex with each other. Doesn't that seem a little odd to you? 3
kgcolonel Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Thanks Erik30, I'll try to do it in person just because I think that's nicer/easier to talk things through--I think I got a bit agitated/wanting to ask immediately because I'm still quite hurt by the past ex. Kgcolonel, really? I think it was more being caught up in the moment and feeling (perhaps naively) safe/trusting of him. It's only when I am alone and think about it rationally that I think 'I should ask in case he turns out to be a jerk like my ex who claimed that he had no duty to be upfront about other girls and I had to pry to figure out the extent of our 'exclusivity''. I'm not afraid of asking, I just am trying to figure out how to bring it up without getting overly antagonistic/emotional (again because of the past) Kamu....here's my point....this should in my way of thinking have happened before the "chance" to get caught up in the moment. You are good to get naked and bump "intimately" but can't feel close enough to ask the question. You mention that this has happened before. Think about this just for a minute: Why would a jerk ever get the deed he's after if ladies would just wait long enough to clarify both through verbal communications and watching actions to decide if this guy is the type of guy they'd want get with? If you'd wait, ask and watch if what he told you was in fact the case, you wouldn't have given it away in the first place. This guy may be wondering the same thing or even, "she did it with me so quickly, I wonder if she did it with a "hookup" while on vacation?" Put it out there, check it to see if this is something you want. Then move forward. Here is one non-confrontational way to put it: Hey you know, I'm looking for a long-term relationship, last time was fun but maybe a mistake if "fun' is all you're looking for. How would you define where you are in life and what you're looking for with a girl? Then, be quite and wait....do not yield to the silence. The longer he hesitates the shorter the relationship or more casual the relationship will be. If he's serious about a committed relationship with you, he's already thought about it. If he hasn't thought about this, then step back and give him space to think about it. What are you looking for????? Will sleeping with him again without these answers get you closer to that????? 1
Simple Logic Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 This is importantant to you. Have this discussion in person. Don't worry about being too blunt. 1
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 These days with OLD yes you need to have that conversation. There is a difference between "exclusively" dating and being in a "committed relationship". And now that sex is on the table, I think it's fair to ask. If he wants to keep his options open then you two are not on the same page. 1
Recommended Posts