NC day 15 trying to get life back but miss MM

[Confused48]

It's just weird because he's not saying anything or doing anything besides going there but it wrecks my head and I don't even understand how this is testing the waters but rather to torture me because he knows I can't control him going there and that if I do ask her to he knows it's getting to me, which he IS I feel SO Stupid.

:(

 

I don't think you should hold back from having him thrown out, just bc that then sends him some signal or other. Like you said later, this is similar to an addiction. You need to put your needs first in staying "sober." Take whatever action you deem necessary, without regard to how it might look to this guy.

[Underthepink]

Today I have to say I am so grateful to have this place to come to or I would have broken NC .

 

Turns out I was right about him going there , he came over to my friend and poured his heart out to her, said that he had been going there to talk to her about me but he would get so emotional he would have to leave, that he misses me and that he has a big void without me, hasn't been able to sleep or concentrate and drives with the radio off because of all the songs we share . (Side note I said to my friend WHY are you telling me this we agreed she said she was so shaken by the amount of emotion from him she couldn't keep it to herself.)

 

AND I Listened.. because I'm an idiot and because everything in me wanted to hear that. I need help please, it was always the emotional part for me, and now I .. WTF.

 

I will not contact him. But what if he comes to my store, I'm not strong enough to see him and stay NC.

 

HELP .. I know and I know please don't judge me I'm to fragile for that , I just need to stay NC I've come so far

[Lovetoo]

 

it's was the Emotional part that got me "hooked" and so the rose colored glasses finally started to come off when I realized that he had taken all the emotion out from his end and was giving me bread crumbs ( I love you turned to I miss you , turned to heart face) and was having his cake and eating it too, I tried a couple of months ago to leave by saying this wasn't enough but he talked me out of it and I got more emotionally "hooked"

 

I really appreciate this forum, to see that some of these things happen in other A's make me feel less isolated. It's been hard and I just want to continue to stay strong.

 

It's crazy how they do the bread crumbs thing. We are emotional and we hang onto their words and what USED to be. They know this. Just sad.

I'm appreciative of this site too. And y'all, I think we can help each other through.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Today I have to say I am so grateful to have this place to come to or I would have broken NC .

 

Turns out I was right about him going there , he came over to my friend and poured his heart out to her, said that he had been going there to talk to her about me but he would get so emotional he would have to leave, that he misses me and that he has a big void without me, hasn't been able to sleep or concentrate and drives with the radio off because of all the songs we share . (Side note I said to my friend WHY are you telling me this we agreed she said she was so shaken by the amount of emotion from him she couldn't keep it to herself.)

 

AND I Listened.. because I'm an idiot and because everything in me wanted to hear that. I need help please, it was always the emotional part for me, and now I .. WTF.

 

I will not contact him. But what if he comes to my store, I'm not strong enough to see him and stay NC.

 

HELP .. I know and I know please don't judge me I'm to fragile for that , I just need to stay NC I've come so far

 

I was just getting ready to post on your thread that if he is going there it is a smoke signal. If we generally think something is a smoke signal from an xMM it is because that is exactly what it is...Then I read your post and sure enough...

 

I do not know much of your back story but i can tell you this.

 

My xMM came back and he came back swinging. He busted in my office door and he poured out his heart. He said he didn't want to live this life without me and if he waited to long to leave his wife it would be his biggest regret of his life. When I didn't want to believe him and got scared he cried like a baby and told me how much he loved me and that his life has no happiness without me. He said he can't get an erection with his wife, said he does nothing but think about me and read old emails and look at pictures of me...He played on everything inside of me that was hurting and busted it right back down again...

 

Then when I started letting him back in he did the same damn thing he always did - became unsure. He had pictures down of his wife in his office because he was gungho he was leaving her but the minute she had to come to the office to get something he put those pictures right back up. Does this sound like the same man who poured out his heart to me? Or does this sound like a confused man who doesn't know what he wants-- yup more like it.

 

If the man in their pouring his heart out to your friend is married then let him pour his heart out all.damn.day. and you keep going on your merry little way. THEY WONT CHANGE.... If they do change and finally leave their wives well then so be it.. let him come find you.

 

But i would ask your friend "was he in there pouring his heart out to her with his wedding ring still on?" - if so then ****him and you keep moving. Tell your friend you don't to hear anything about him unless he comes in there with divorce papers and wants to know how to get in touch with you. Until then you keep walking.. He is dead to you, mourn his death and go. If you don't you are asking for more pain.

 

It is all the same ..

[FoundMyStrength]

said that he had been going there to talk to her about me but he would get so emotional he would have to leave, that he misses me and that he has a big void without me, hasn't been able to sleep or concentrate and drives with the radio off because of all the songs we share

 

Hang in there. Once you've made the decision you don't want to be in the affair, NC is the only way to heal. I had LC with my xMM after he returned to his wife, and I heard straight from him how tough it was for him emotionally -- same things your xMM is telling your friend. But, at that point, I'd decided I couldn't do it anymore. Yes, it's what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear he still cared. And, honestly, I think he did.

 

But I knew that the temporary high of hearing how much he missed me would eventually be replaced by the pain of having him walk away one day because he felt too guilty, repaired his marriage, or whatever excuse came up. They don't leave their wives, they just cause pain. Keep strong.

Edited March 6, 2017 by FoundMyStrength
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[Lovetoo]

I wish my x felt that way. I guess it may not really change the fact that he is married though. Least I'd know I wasn't in love alone. I wasn't crazy.

Honestly, I think I'm getting over him. Posting here has shown me how LITTLE this man has given to me. He has only took took took. Hopefully that's not the case with you. It doesn't sound like it either. If he does love you, do you think he'll leave? Do you want him to leave? What do you really want?

 

Either way, if it were me, I do my hardest to let him contact me first.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I wish my x felt that way. I guess it may not really change the fact that he is married though. Least I'd know I wasn't in love alone. I wasn't crazy.

Honestly, I think I'm getting over him. Posting here has shown me how LITTLE this man has given to me. He has only took took took. Hopefully that's not the case with you. It doesn't sound like it either. If he does love you, do you think he'll leave? Do you want him to leave? What do you really want?

 

Either way, if it were me, I do my hardest to let him contact me first.

 

Sweetie, they don't love us. Yes, in some rare cases affairs work and there ends up being real love but in the majority of our cases this isn't love. This is addiction and self-indulgence. They may say the all of the right things but their actions don't back up their words.

 

What do they love? - First and foremost they love themselves, second they love the way we make them feel, third they love the excitement and distraction of the affair, and fourth they love the sex. Where in all of that do we fit in? - Nowhere, because someone who TRULY loves the other person wouldn't put them through hell the way these men do. They come to us taking, taking, taking, never putting back in and we allow it because we need it to be worth something, we need them to realize we are worth not just taking but loving in return, we need them to choose us over everything else because maybe there was someone in our lives who couldn't love us and choose us over everything else- we need them to be our knight in shining armor but in reality they are broken inside and need to take from us in order for them to feel whole.

[Lovetoo]

Sweetie, they don't love us. Yes, in some rare cases affairs work and there ends up being real love but in the majority of our cases this isn't love. This is addiction and self-indulgence. They may say the all of the right things but their actions don't back up their words.

 

What do they love? - First and foremost they love themselves, second they love the way we make them feel, third they love the excitement and distraction of the affair, and fourth they love the sex. Where in all of that do we fit in? - Nowhere, because someone who TRULY loves the other person wouldn't put them through hell the way these men do. They come to us taking, taking, taking, never putting back in and we allow it because we need it to be worth something, we need them to realize we are worth not just taking but loving in return, we need them to choose us over everything else because maybe there was someone in our lives who couldn't love us and choose us over everything else- we need them to be our knight in shining armor but in reality they are broken inside and need to take from us in order for them to feel whole.

 

Wow! They are broken and we are too!? But why addicted? I get that I was addicted. I just don't get that he was or they are. I'm addicted to the high I get but I associate that high with.. idk. Love? I have NO idea why his presence or just talking to him made me high. Was I high because of the possibility of one day being love.

 

All this stuff seems so sad. Why are we this way? Barely able to control ourselves. Them too. Not able to control themselves. Sex ain't that good. I promise. It ain't. I don't even clinax. I like sex because of the closeness and intimacy it offers.

 

What do you think?

 

I was just thinking, I know our bad decisions hurt God. I feel bad that knowing this doesn't make me change. Then I thought, my own hurt isn't enough to stop myself. I know when I contact him all roads 9/10 lead to hurt, yet I still do it. Is talking, seeing a person more important than your own pain and discomfort and pride? This is all so crazy. Addicted to bring hurt?? Maybe I should stop saying crazy. I mean it's HARD to understand even though I'm standing in the midst. I think I love him... I think I'm addicted... I think I'm crazy... my pride, my power, my sanity, my peace, mynprogress, my health, is all that nothing compared to getting a little attention from one person??

[Underthepink]

Thank you all for your response, what's funny is my friend asked if she should tell him he's not welcomed but I feel like that gives him a response too, so I said just ignore him. I mean I ghost and NC at the same time so that I could gain control back. This just got in my head a bit , like is this coincidental or is it him trying to get to me (which your right it worked) and needed a little support the dreaming of him didn't help . remaining firm and silent. Thanks

 

I was just getting ready to post on your thread that if he is going there it is a smoke signal. If we generally think something is a smoke signal from an xMM it is because that is exactly what it is...Then I read your post and sure enough...

 

I do not know much of your back story but i can tell you this.

 

My xMM came back and he came back swinging. He busted in my office door and he poured out his heart. He said he didn't want to live this life without me and if he waited to long to leave his wife it would be his biggest regret of his life. When I didn't want to believe him and got scared he cried like a baby and told me how much he loved me and that his life has no happiness without me. He said he can't get an erection with his wife, said he does nothing but think about me and read old emails and look at pictures of me...He played on everything inside of me that was hurting and busted it right back down again...

 

Then when I started letting him back in he did the same damn thing he always did - became unsure. He had pictures down of his wife in his office because he was gungho he was leaving her but the minute she had to come to the office to get something he put those pictures right back up. Does this sound like the same man who poured out his heart to me? Or does this sound like a confused man who doesn't know what he wants-- yup more like it.

 

If the man in their pouring his heart out to your friend is married then let him pour his heart out all.damn.day. and you keep going on your merry little way. THEY WONT CHANGE.... If they do change and finally leave their wives well then so be it.. let him come find you.

 

But i would ask your friend "was he in there pouring his heart out to her with his wedding ring still on?" - if so then ****him and you keep moving. Tell your friend you don't to hear anything about him unless he comes in there with divorce papers and wants to know how to get in touch with you. Until then you keep walking.. He is dead to you, mourn his death and go. If you don't you are asking for more pain.

 

It is all the same ..

 

I could feel it was a smoke signal, if it wasn't for this site I wouldn't know what a smoke signal is, or that my gut was right about the bread crumbs. I went for a run and found a note on my car. What am I supposed to do if he comes in the store, without creating a scene, while my heart is breaking, it's been almost a month. I've come so far..

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Today I have to say I am so grateful to have this place to come to or I would have broken NC .

 

Turns out I was right about him going there , he came over to my friend and poured his heart out to her, said that he had been going there to talk to her about me but he would get so emotional he would have to leave, that he misses me and that he has a big void without me, hasn't been able to sleep or concentrate and drives with the radio off because of all the songs we share . (Side note I said to my friend WHY are you telling me this we agreed she said she was so shaken by the amount of emotion from him she couldn't keep it to herself.)

 

AND I Listened.. because I'm an idiot and because everything in me wanted to hear that. I need help please, it was always the emotional part for me, and now I .. WTF.

 

I will not contact him. But what if he comes to my store, I'm not strong enough to see him and stay NC.

 

HELP .. I know and I know please don't judge me I'm to fragile for that , I just need to stay NC I've come so far

 

I'msorry I called it wrong. Hang in there in stay strong!

[Underthepink]

@hadmeoverabarrel your msgs really helped me, everyone here has , I would have broke lastnight but I didn't .Heading to work my heart is in my thrust, will keep you posted staying strong

[MJJean]

Wow! They are broken and we are too!? But why addicted? I get that I was addicted. I just don't get that he was or they are. I'm addicted to the high I get but I associate that high with.. idk. Love? I have NO idea why his presence or just talking to him made me high. Was I high because of the possibility of one day being love.

 

All this stuff seems so sad. Why are we this way? Barely able to control ourselves. Them too. Not able to control themselves. Sex ain't that good. I promise. It ain't. I don't even clinax. I like sex because of the closeness and intimacy it offers.

 

What do you think?

 

You are both literally addicted to the chemicals your brains produce. It's not love, it's limerence.

 

You may feel barely able to control yourself and maybe you weren't getting much out of the sex, but take a minute and think about it from the other pov. If he wanted to control himself, he would. You may not be getting much out of the sex, but he is. Standard affair stuff. He gives you the appearance of the "closeness and intimacy" that you want and, in return, you give him the sex he wants.

 

@hadmeoverabarrel your msgs really helped me, everyone here has , I would have broke lastnight but I didn't .Heading to work my heart is in my thrust, will keep you posted staying strong

 

Have you ever been addicted to a substance such as nicotine or alcohol? I have. I've been through withdrawl and I've helped people through their own withdrawls. Being highly emotional during withdrawl is the norm. I remember crying often and being so upset over what amounted to nothing during the process. It's the brain trying to rebalance itself. Just assume he was overly emotional because he's going through withdrawl and move along. If he was actually that upset, he'd file for divorce. He's not that upset over YOU, he's that upset because his brain is jonesing for those happy chemicals. In short, he's looking for a fix. Truth is, he could get that fix from you or a brand new AP.

Edited March 7, 2017 by MJJean

[Lovetoo]

@MJJEAN your saying he can control himself though he says and acts as if he can't. It's hard for me to control myself, e I why NC is hard for me. I can go a while but then I'll reach out. I thought it was fear of abandonment. Or being afraid to let go. To accept not being loved. To accept sharing something so intimate with someone then having to act like that person is nobody. Like a complete stranger. Like they are dead or something.

 

I look up limerence. Do ppl I love not experience some degree of dopamine and adrenaline when they are together? I've also read the infactuation, of both parties continue to see one another mostly leads to love. I've also read about the love addict and the avoidant attachment style. Love avoidant I mean. Anxious attachment. Have you don't any research on that? It's very interesting. There's YouTube, books, articles and more on it.

 

So he feels happy/high after sex? During and before? Like does the entire encounter make him high? Like do these chemicals release at the thought of me, seeing me or only at sex?

 

Just having his attention makes me high? Or the thoughts of being with him seriously?

 

And if he is addicted, why does NC seem easier for him than me.

[freengreen]

For a sec lets assume what he is feeling IS love... however, he isnt leaving anyone for you. Secondly, if you go back because its really love, this could go on forever in your life ... the A which leads to no where. After 40 yrs from now, you still be at the same spot not knowing where its taking you.

 

That is the thing with these As, as much as they seem perfect and so good, they have ABSOLUTELY no potential to make anything better. Its like sugar, its sweet but evil.

[Lovetoo]

Sad but true. I'd be happy he felt "love" for me. But it doesn't mean anything if he won't leave. I don't want us to be in love with one another but he goes home to her. His him isn't with me.

[Bittersweetie]

If he walks into your store, you ask him politely to leave. "Please leave." Do not engage. Do not smile. "Please leave." Yes, it sounds rude, but you are just starting a path toward healing and getting your life back together, and he is disrespecting that. There is no need in this situation to be nice. I agree with MJJean too, that a lot of this is probably about getting a fix, because I know I used to reach out to xAP when I wanted a fix.

 

Good luck and stay strong.

[Lovetoo]

Bittersweetie, what was that fix all about? And once you got it, you were good? For how long? Were you good for good??

 

OP her advice seems really good. I'd want to do that. But it also seems like it takes incredible strength and courage. It also seems like it might make him want you even more.

 

If you care anything about not being remembered as a push over or whatever variation of it, I think it's a good idea.

 

Strength, courage, wisdom.

[Bittersweetie]

Bittersweetie, what was that fix all about? And once you got it, you were good? For how long? Were you good for good??

 

When I first started up with xAP, every interaction with him made me feel so good. An email, chat, text, meet up...I yearned for these things because they made me feel so good. I thought it was him who made me feel so good...but now I know better. After he stopped talking to me the first time, I started searching on google for him, and every time I found something new, I'd feel that way again. I became addicted to that feeling, it felt so good.

 

So addicted that I begged to see him. I acted desperate. And when he stopped talking to me again, I kept googling, reaching out...all in an attempt to feel that good again. Even after my d-day I felt like reaching out...and I thought, why? What is the point? And I realized I wanted that good feeling, that fix. Once I recognized for it was, I was addicted to the fix, it was easier for me to approach NC. Plus since I had a d-day I was accountable to my H.

 

As for how long...well, I still get itches for that fix. Even today, 8+ years later. However, I see it for what it is...wanting a fix. So I feed it another way. Maybe I'll have an extra chocolate. Or a larger Starbucks drink. Or I just say to myself, you don't need the fix, you can get through today.

 

I'm not sure if this is the case here. I'm not sure either if others are like me and look at it this way, and beat the addiction. I'm not sure if everyone wants to or is capable of looking deep inside to figure out the issues and address them. The only person I can control is me, so I made the choice to fix myself.

 

Hope this helps.

[Underthepink]

Well ailieD was right first of many tests. He has sent one of his assistant in to pick up food for him. Had handwritten letters delivered, can we talk, why am I doing this, a full list of all the things he misses about me. Meet for coffee? Our spot . Just to talk.

 

This is one hard habit to kick .. cause it whispers things you want to hear.

[Taxed]

Maybe you should ask yourself: what do you want? And how do you want this to end for you?