StillHurtin Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 After two years of living through the he!! of not forgiving the exOW I have finally came to the point where I can feel myself wanting and needing to forgive her. I have found myself wanting to call or write her a letter telling her I forgive her just to set my mind at ease but what will that solve? That is what I am trying to figure out. I met the exOW at H's first company Christmas party about 6 years ago. She seemed like a very nice, very outgoing, and fun person. We were in a small group of ppl when I first met her. She was the one who had to have all the attention drawn to her. She did all the talking while the rest of us listened, not getting a word in edge wise. She showed me pictures of her newborn and I made the comment how cute she was. I left about 11pm to get our children from the babysitters. I let H stay as he was having fun and I was getting tired anyhow. When he got home two hours later he told me that she approached him, said he smelled good and bit him on the neck. From there on I did not like her but never led on to her that I didn't when I seen her when I went to see H at work. When I went to see him she would run over to talk to me. She even came out of her office ran after me b4 I got into H's office and hugged me. She proceeded to talk about her dd that happened to be 2 or 3 now. She asked me several times if I would do back-up daycare for her (I ran a dc out of my home) but b/c I didn't like what she did to H I didn't want to. About a year b4 their A H told me she was having sexual problems w/ her H. I was shocked, and pi$$ed that she would talk about her sex life w/ my H. She still continued to come talk to me when I went to see H at work. For about a year H would talk about this woman co-worker a lot and I finally asked him if he wanted to sleep w/ her. To my horror he said he would if he wasn't M. H admitted that she flirted w/ him a lot but she flirted w/ other guy co-workers. A few months later he got a promotion and hired the exOW as his asst stating no one w/ her experience applied for the posting. Two months after he filed for a D so I kicked him out of our home. Friends called me to tell me they were having an A. I called the OW and she denied it, said they were just friends. She said H was having second thoughts about the A. She asked me questions about us, if I still loved him, ect. She said she would talk to H to see if she could get him to change his mind about the D. Even though H was confused, having second thoughts about the D they both continued their A. I moved out of the house and moved back to my hometown to start my life over w/ my children. A month after we moved H called and admitted to everything. Since we got back 2gether and he broke it off w/ the OW she was still calling him, and even stopping by his house. A month after we were back 2gether she called and I answered. Too upset and angry to ask her WTH she was calling she asked me if H had heard about a co-worker getting into an accident. I let H talk to her. After he got off the phone I called her back and told her she needed to stop calling him. She started crying and said "But J, she might die!" I told her I felt badly for the woman and hope she makes it but her calling was just an excuse, H could of heard about it from someone at work. She told me I shouldn't be upset w/ her b/c my H "started it all." I told her that wasn't true, she was after him since day one. She didn't say a word. She was silent for a little bit and told me she hopes H and I are happy in our M. I told her I had nothing more to say to her and hung up. She stopped calling and coming over after that. Sorry so much info. I just wanted to mention that the exOW were both on speaking terms b4 the A. She tried being my friend and if she wasn't hitting on my H I could of been friends w/ her. This is partly why I have feelings of wanting to contact her. I want to tell her I forgive her and no longer feel anger towards her but like I said, what will it proove? Do you think it's best I not contact her?
Naive Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Do not contact her, that would probably make her think she still has the right to come to your house and get "close" to your hubby. It's better to have her the farthest away from you as possible.
kkat Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I think it is great you are making so much progress. I am a big believer that forgiveness is the best gift to yourself - not to the person you are forgiving. So if you can get to that point, you'll be much happier. I feel like, in my opinion, this is a process you aren't finished with. I'd recommend that you keep a journal, or even use your LS postings as a journal of sorts to record the transitions of your feelings, and see how you are feeling a week, month, 2 months from now. In other words, give it some time. You might feel differently in a while, or even more sure that you want to do this. One other idea is to create a ceremony that doesn't involve her directly, where you express forgiveness for the things she did that hurt you, but where you don't actually engage with her. I guess my fear is that you could call her to express forgiveness, but she might say something, even innocently, that could revive your pain. You know? Good luck. Namaste.
sweetserendipity Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Given the fact that you've posted your husband might be taking a job at the company she's working at, which is out of town (and would require him living there during the week) - I don't think offering your forgiveness would be a good idea. That could very well give her the sense that what she did (took part in) wasn't "all that bad" and that if you are such a forgiving person - hey, maybe she and hubby could reconnect. If you want to forgive her, do it in your heart - but not directly to her, in any way, shape or form. Remember, this is a woman who got your husband fired, this is a woman who was screwing around with your husband and children's father - knowing full well he was married with children. These kinds of women often jump at opportunities to start things up again. Don't do it.
Craig Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Forgive her if you want but don't tell her. I don't like her, she seems cunning, disrespectful, in denial and doesn't accept her share of responsibility. She is in my opinion a dangerous woman to have around any man, married or not.
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 It's like another stage of closure for you. Forgiving her is good, but there is no need to tell her and talk to her. I think by doing that it opens the door for her to keep intouch and you definately don't want her in your life. Who knows what kind of resentment she could have floating inside her head. Or maybe some feelings left for your husband. Enough time has passed -Hopefully she's moved on and the A isn't in her head, but you never know if she's hoping .... I'm with the others, don't do it. I think it will open a can of worms you don't want to deal with in the future.
Author StillHurtin Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 Thank you all for you replies. I wont contact the exOW. I never thought of her trying to get back into out lives b/c we live so far from her but now that I think of it, I think she would make an excuse to call all the time pretending to be my friend only to get close to H again. I could see her finding out where he works and going to see him. I heard that her BF (started dating him when H broke it off w/ her), and her were having some problems. He broke up w/ her but she still comes over to his house and calls him. So, since she went to him as a rebound from my H she could come back after my H as a rebound from him. TG we don't live there anymore, it would make it too easy for her. Sweet, I don't think H has even thought about taking that job since our discussion of it.
New_Wife Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Perhaps you could write her a letter, expressing your forgiveness, and wishing her the best. Then don't send it. Tear it up, burn it, crumple it, or save it somewhere for you. Forgiveness is rarely about the other person. It's about letting yourself heal. Congratulations that you've started to do that.
brashgal Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Sounds like she has problems with boundaries (biting your husband on the neck, hugging you, calling when she's been told not to call). Better not to encourage her. Kudos to you - it's been two years since my ex moved out and a year since he moved in with the OW (which I guess doesn't make her the OW anymore - she's basically my kids' stepmom) and I still can't forgive. Happily I don't ever have to deal with her. I'd write her a letter and then destroy it.
Author StillHurtin Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by brashgal Sounds like she has problems with boundaries (biting your husband on the neck, hugging you, calling when she's been told not to call). Better not to encourage her. Kudos to you - it's been two years since my ex moved out and a year since he moved in with the OW (which I guess doesn't make her the OW anymore - she's basically my kids' stepmom) and I still can't forgive. Happily I don't ever have to deal with her. I'd write her a letter and then destroy it. I wrote her a letter but never printed it off. Just wanted to write what I was feeling. I agree brashgal that she has a problem w/ bounderies. She admitted to me that she doesn't care if a man is M or not, she is going to flirt w/ them. She told me she didn't care what ppl thought. She also told me she can't walk into a store w/o some woman glaring at her b/c they think she tried to take their H away from them. She laughed. I told her it wasn't funny. During that conversation she changed the subject to her daughter. She was talking to me like we were friends, like I gave a s*** about her stupid chicken laying an egg (she told me that). I called her to discuss the rumors of her and my H having an A and she brings up her chicken laying an egg!
kkat Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 She actually has a chicken that laid an egg. Wow. Now that's something.
Author StillHurtin Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by kkat She actually has a chicken that laid an egg. Wow. Now that's something. LOL! I know, it's a miracle! When she changed the subject from me asking her if she was screwing my H to the chicken laying an egg should of told me she was uncomfortable and didn't want to discuss it. I understand she was uncomfortable. I would be too if some woman called me and asked me if I was screwing her H. If I had a W calling me and asking me WTH was going on w/ me and her H I would run away from him. I wouldn't want to put up with it, but then again, my H had his lawyer write my lawyer a letter stating if I contacted the OW in any manner she would take legal action. He had his lawyer tell my lawyer that I was accussing them of having an A and his lawyer said that him and the OW was not and have not had any relations. H lied to his lawyer to protect his GF. My lawyer thought I was going to hit the roof but all I could do was laugh. He had to stick up for his little GF, I got a kick out of that.
brashgal Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 She admitted to me that she doesn't care if a man is M or not, she is going to flirt w/ them. She told me she didn't care what ppl thought. She also told me she can't walk into a store w/o some woman glaring at her b/c they think she tried to take their H away from them. She laughed. I told her it wasn't funny. Psychotic. Or narcissistic. Total disregard of other people's feelings. I feel sorry for her husband and kids. She was talking to me like we were friends, like I gave a s*** about her stupid chicken laying an egg (she told me that). I called her to discuss the rumors of her and my H having an A and she brings up her chicken laying an egg! And definitely living in a dream world - yikes! Glad you didn't do anything with the letter.
Author StillHurtin Posted July 28, 2005 Author Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by brashgal Psychotic. Or narcissistic. Total disregard of other people's feelings. I feel sorry for her husband and kids. And definitely living in a dream world - yikes! Glad you didn't do anything with the letter. She is no longer M. She D her H a week after my H filed a D from me. But she has children. I think she is a pretty good mom from what I have seen. I bet her XH is glad the M was over. He didn't care about their A, all he was worried about his child, the only reason why he married her. I am def not calling her or sending her the letter. I know that in my heart I forgive her. I don't like her, but I forgive her.
Recommended Posts