Jimmyjackson Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 (edited) I guess this isn't directly related to a breakup per say, but I have been feeling incredibly lonely recently. Other than the last girl I was seeing for three months, I've been single since September 2014 and haven't had a long lasting relationship since. I seem to isolate myself in my room all week when I'm not working. I do work full time but at least half of my working week I am required to lone work as I work shifts. My mother works a lot of night shifts and is also usually in bed when I am around during the day due to this. I just feel that most of my time is spent on my own and it's unhealthy. All of my friends live about an hour away and due to me working full time and early/late shifts at work I can only go see them once a week. I obviously enjoy this time with them and it feels like a 'holiday' of sorts, a big city to get away from my small town once a week and have fun; but then it's back to reality come Monday. Obviously seeing a girl recently gave me more to do and some company also, it was nice to have plans during the week for a change and another option in terms of my social life. I do realise that it isn't healthy to rely on a girlfriend to make you feel happy and less lonely. I try my best to remain positive but I just feel sad quite often and frustrated. I've began feeling quite depressed recently, I was referred to a therapist but I pulled out at the last minute as I felt uncomfortable talking to a stranger and felt that my problems weren't worth their time. It's almost as if I enjoy isolating myself, listening to music and shutting out the world, but I also hate it at the same time. Does that make sense? I sit at home and think about the life I could be leading and the things I could be doing, but I can't find the motivation to do it. Instead I isolate myself at home where it is 'safe' and 'familiar'. Before I started working full time I used to do this even more and it even got to the point where my mother walked in my room and told me I was wasting my life away in isolation. Does anybody have any tips on how to be more comfortable when alone? Or am I spending too much time by myself that it is impossible to help my situation? I know that I need to find a job closer to friends and move there, that would help a lot. Obviously this has been escalated due to me being disappointed over a recent relationship but it has been three months now, I should feel better but I don't. Since I was 16/17, I've been one of those who has always enjoyed time to themselves, but I feel I have gone too far that way. The strange thing is I am quite confident and sociable when I am actually out doing things, it's just not that often I do, twice a week at most. Any tips or advice on combating loneliness would be helpful. Edited February 25, 2017 by Jimmyjackson 1
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 You have to make the effort. Get involved. Join things. Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about -- your local hospital, an animal shelter, the local theater, Habitat for Humanity etc. The list of charities that need help is almost endless. Join a community organization -- the Elks, the Moose, the Kiwanis etc. Play a co-ed adult league sport. Get involved in politics. Heaven knows there is a lot of controversy surrounding that subject these days. It's all hands on deck no matter what side of the issue you are on Start attending Meet Up groups that do things you care about. There are tons of them out there. Find one or more that interests you. If nothing tickles your fancy, start one. Get re-involved with an alumni association. Make a point to call -- not just text or social media -- old friends so you can reconnect. Take an adult education class of some sort. Go to industry related events for your job. It can be hard because you don't have built in companionship & you have to make the effort even when you are tired after work.
preraph Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Yeah, when we're sad and depressed or humiliated, we don't much want to go out. But I learned a powerful lesson when I was young. I used to react just like you and I found it ate up too much of my youth doing nothing while hoping the fog would lift and trying to move past a lost love. Finally, I learned you MUST make yourself, after a short amount of time, a week or so, start calling friend and going out or hanging out with them, or if friends are scarce, tap family and plan a real getaway with them. The idea is you will get in a rut thinking about this unresolvable thing and it makes you miserable. The longer you let that go on, the harder it is to break. The idea is you have to crowd out those old sad thoughts and memories with new fun ones. So deliberately plan a fun activity you love, and even one you can go do alone. If you have anything you've been putting off, like a night class in something fun, do it now. Volunteer at something you are interested in a couple hours a week. Go out with friends, or play games with friends. But you need to be ACTIVE and SOCIAL whether you feel like it or not to break out of this depression. Please trust me on this. It will be a great distraction and it will relieve stress. The other thing you must do is some form of physical exercise to take stress off your body. So execute a recovery plan. Each thing you do will lighten your load just a little. Good luck.
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 I went up to my nearest city to see my best friend today, we had a few beers and chatted and I do feel better. He did however invite his Girlfriend along which he has been doing a lot recently, I like her but it can be a bit annoying as she is just always there. Seeing them be 'coupley' made me feel like I was missing out on something a little, obviously it's not their fault or anything I felt that way but it was a little frustrating for me. I've had a good day but once I get home and back into my bedroom I go back to old thoughts, it's like the high settles and I'm back to being on my own, I won't be seeing my friends until Saturday now due to work.
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 You have to make the effort. Get involved. Join things. Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about -- your local hospital, an animal shelter, the local theater, Habitat for Humanity etc. The list of charities that need help is almost endless. Join a community organization -- the Elks, the Moose, the Kiwanis etc. Play a co-ed adult league sport. Get involved in politics. Heaven knows there is a lot of controversy surrounding that subject these days. It's all hands on deck no matter what side of the issue you are on Start attending Meet Up groups that do things you care about. There are tons of them out there. Find one or more that interests you. If nothing tickles your fancy, start one. Get re-involved with an alumni association. Make a point to call -- not just text or social media -- old friends so you can reconnect. Take an adult education class of some sort. Go to industry related events for your job. It can be hard because you don't have built in companionship & you have to make the effort even when you are tired after work. I have been wanting to start Spanish lessons but they're quite expensive per hour! I could teach myself but I'd just be doing it via books or online. I do need to find a new job and get out of my mothers house, maybe move in with a friend.
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Work is a necessary evil. Glad you were able to reconnect with your old friend. That is a great step. Can you turn his GF into an ally? Next time you are all together ask if she has any single friends she might introduce you to. Trust me. Your buddy's girl will love to play matchmaker, if for no other reason then if she gets you a GF you won't need to spend as much time with her man. Plus she may get herself off the hook for not spending enough time with her friends if she pairs them up with a distraction -- you. Do consider social activities you can do closer to home on weeknights. Look around for an adult education class possibly at your local high school or community college for the Spanish lessons. It should be cheaper then private study.
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 Yeah, when we're sad and depressed or humiliated, we don't much want to go out. But I learned a powerful lesson when I was young. I used to react just like you and I found it ate up too much of my youth doing nothing while hoping the fog would lift and trying to move past a lost love. Finally, I learned you MUST make yourself, after a short amount of time, a week or so, start calling friend and going out or hanging out with them, or if friends are scarce, tap family and plan a real getaway with them. The idea is you will get in a rut thinking about this unresolvable thing and it makes you miserable. The longer you let that go on, the harder it is to break. The idea is you have to crowd out those old sad thoughts and memories with new fun ones. So deliberately plan a fun activity you love, and even one you can go do alone. If you have anything you've been putting off, like a night class in something fun, do it now. Volunteer at something you are interested in a couple hours a week. Go out with friends, or play games with friends. But you need to be ACTIVE and SOCIAL whether you feel like it or not to break out of this depression. Please trust me on this. It will be a great distraction and it will relieve stress. The other thing you must do is some form of physical exercise to take stress off your body. So execute a recovery plan. Each thing you do will lighten your load just a little. Good luck. Yeah, I kinda just sit in my room listening to The Smiths, Morrissey just gets me haha, maybe it re-enforces my depressed feelings though since I identify with him so much; perhaps it makes me worse I don't know? I feel like I want to just pack a rucksack and go on an adventure but I wish it was as easy as doing that!
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 Work is a necessary evil. Glad you were able to reconnect with your old friend. That is a great step. Can you turn his GF into an ally? Next time you are all together ask if she has any single friends she might introduce you to. Trust me. Your buddy's girl will love to play matchmaker, if for no other reason then if she gets you a GF you won't need to spend as much time with her man. Plus she may get herself off the hook for not spending enough time with her friends if she pairs them up with a distraction -- you. Do consider social activities you can do closer to home on weeknights. Look around for an adult education class possibly at your local high school or community college for the Spanish lessons. It should be cheaper then private study. He's not an old friend, he's a friend I do see once a week usually but due to him being in another city and us both working we cannot do more than that. She is a friend of mine too, I like her and have nothing against her she is just a little clingy, he has complained about it to me. I have asked, sadly they are all taken ha! I feel that's why I need to move to this city as I live in a small town and there isn't much to do on weekends, never mind during the week. Yes I do need to look further for classes perhaps, I might even ask my employer if they can fund or point me in the direction of possible courses available in my company.
preraph Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Yeah, I kinda just sit in my room listening to The Smiths, Morrissey just gets me haha, maybe it re-enforces my depressed feelings though since I identify with him so much; perhaps it makes me worse I don't know? I feel like I want to just pack a rucksack and go on an adventure but I wish it was as easy as doing that! Well, you have to do that for awhile. I holed up every time and listened to early RoxyMusic, even though RoxyMusic is half of what got me into these messes to begin with. But music is mobile, so take it with you and instead of ruining your favorite music by having bad associations with it, at least go do something fun while listening to it. Drive through a wildlife park or float a river, hang with friends, watch funny movies (16 Candles, The Thin Man). Intentionally plan things that will make you smile, seriously. It will help keep you from spiraling downward. I let things get to me far too deeply. I only got any shred of control over it when I started following my advice above, which included going out with friends and guy friends too. Travel can really help. It makes you realize how little your world is right now and that it doesn't have to be. Feel better soon.
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