pumpkinpositive Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 Currently in a bizarre situation with a co-worker. I work with lots of guys of all ages and generally get along with them and have a professional but friendly relationship. There is one thing I don't like which is being touched, and most of the guys are respectful of this once they realise from my body language. So, there was a new guy, who I treated just like my other co workers but I noted he ignored me compared to my other colleagues. Then one day he was randomly quite friendly and he tried to do the shoulder squeeze thing but I pulled away without thinking - it wasn't anything personal. Anywhoo so for the next few weeks he spends most of his time staring at me but not talking to me. And it felt super awkward. And then I don't know if I'm over analysing this but I noted lots of coincidences, he suddenly starts drinking the same coffee as me, passes indirect comments that only I would get (for example quoting some work I had that only I would know about unless someone actually went looking for my name on it), discussing cases that I have been heavily involved with. I felt like he was trying to get my attention, but then the few direct conversations we had tended to be monosyllabic - although he does initiate them ( i decided to ignore him and his awkwardness). Now I know I didn't deal with this situation in the best way either by ignoring him. Its now got to the point where we are sat next to each in an awkward silence whilst he constantly fidgets and stares at me. Also if I go anywhere near him, he goes silent. What should I do in this situation? Is he attracted to me? Does he hate my guts? I just want to clear the air and not have to be constantly vigilant about this guy?
Author pumpkinpositive Posted February 25, 2017 Author Posted February 25, 2017 When I first met him, no. Now, if this is all due to a crush I might give him a chance - but we would need to hold some kind of sensible conversation first!
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 Actually you apologize. Not a big huge thing . . . but you explain that he startled you when he tried to touch you. Explain you are aware that he didn't mean anything by it & your reaction must have started him but you forgot he didn't know you don't like to be touched. Tell him you are sorry you made things awkward for him & you hope that you can both work together peaceably going forward. He doesn't like you. He's just trying to figure out why you had such a strong & strange reaction to his innocuous gesture. 1
TheTraveler Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 When I first met him, no. Now, if this is all due to a crush I might give him a chance - but we would need to hold some kind of sensible conversation first! Talk to him? More proof the STARE works! 2017 the year thetraveler stares HARD 1
Author pumpkinpositive Posted February 25, 2017 Author Posted February 25, 2017 I didn't do it in a rude or dramatic way, plus not sure what he was expecting considering he didn't exchange a word with me prior to that day... not sure what I would be apologising for.
OatsAndHall Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 I didn't do it in a rude or dramatic way, plus not sure what he was expecting considering he didn't exchange a word with me prior to that day... not sure what I would be apologising for. I have to say that I agree with this statement. I don't view any physical contact from a virtual stranger to be innocuous. I was at a work Christmas part a few months back and had a drunken co-worker try to run her fingers through my hair. I don't know the woman, I don't have much contact with her and I pulled away from her in a hurry. I kept my distance from her the rest of the night. It was very random, it caught me off guard and I wasn't comfortable with it. I wouldn't know what to think about this co-worker of yours. He has shown some interest in you and may want to date. Ask him out if you're inclined to do so. Or, stay away from him if you're not. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 I didn't do it in a rude or dramatic way, plus not sure what he was expecting considering he didn't exchange a word with me prior to that day... not sure what I would be apologising for. Then quietly ask him what's up. 1
preraph Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 He's socially awkward and the things he's doing are a little creepy but he feels they are "safe," from his perspective. If he crosses any line, like touches you again, be loud as soon as it happens and call his name and kind of embarrass him , "Oh, Jim! Jeez, why are you grabbing my shoulder? You startled me." Don't just suffer in silence IF he does any more touching. He's seeing what you'll allow. If he's staring at you and it's obvious, bring it right out in to the open while he's doing it. "Hey, Jim, don't you have something else to do other than watch ME work?" 2
alphamale Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 Currently in a bizarre situation with a co-worker. since you're smart and don't date co-workers you have nothing to worry about 1
kendahke Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 The next time you find yourself next to him and there is awkward silence, that's when you turn to him and say "Yeah, um.. about this awkwardness. I've got this thing where I don't like to be touched in public. Nothing personal--everyone here knows. I realized when I yanked away the other day that you're new and you probably don't know that about me, so I wanted to clear the air and tell you 'nothing personal, but I just don't like being touched'. You ok with that?" He should say "oh, yeah, I didnt know. No problem". 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 I wouldn't bring up the touching at all. Please don't, OP. 1. It would bring attention BACK to touching, in general. For all you know this guy could say you're the one harassing him based on that, if things got real. I mean you never know. 2. It's old news and would (IMO) kind of make you look like the one with the issue...if you had literally (apparently) been ruminating for weeks about one shoulder squeeze. 3. If this person touches you at work you get up and go to HR to report the touching. You do not engage. 4. You may not be able to do anything about the staring. Dude is obviously socially awkward. Either report that to HR if you feel it's really getting in the way of your working, or realize that some people just don't know how to be social and no snappy comeback on your part is going to heal them of that. 2
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 Just keep your distance, he will get the hint. 1
todreaminblue Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 i wouldnt bring it up at all..he wouldnt have known you dont like to be touched...so let it go.......the easiest thing to do is just be friendly......non confrontational...a bright smile...a simple hello .....a " hope you have a good day".....talk to him get to know him...share a laugh if you can......get him to open up by being simply friendly and interested in him .....makign a new friend isnt a bad thing..... and be open yourself.... and if it happens again tell him that you arent comfortable with touches ....tell him this privately...never in front of anyone.. i used to be asked to be friends with new kids at any school i was at.....the teachers would sit the kids near me.....because i would make them feel welcome and confident..make them laugh..........they would then move on and make other friends..and leave me to be my loner self.......i liked doing that ....making kids feel welcome...thats all you need to do ...........good luck...deb 1
Miss Spider Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 There's not enough information here to discern if he is or is not interested in you, but every guy I've ever met who did the random neck/shoulder squeeze/massage to women he barely knew was a total sleazebag. (Guy at the office I used to work at, I'm looking at you) 3
fireflywy Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 I personally would avoid dating a coworker. I would also carry on as is and the situation will resolve itself organically. If you are in a rush, we'll, and abide by the don't date a coworker rule, then make up some story about a new guy you met who you went out to coffee with and make sure he overhears it or some such. If he's crushing on you, that will settle him down. 2
WomenWubber Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 Is this job important to you career wise? If so you may want to keep your distance and act as oblivious as possible. You should be focused on doing your job, not getting tangled up in drama. If things escalate, you escalate to HR or quit if you can afford it. 1
Author pumpkinpositive Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 I've made up my mind, I can't keep on ignoring him, we work together too closely hence the awkwardness. I'll just treat him super politely, but not make too much of an effort for conversation, hopefully things will sort themselves out once he's got over whatever issue it is he's got.
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 3. If this person touches you at work you get up and go to HR to report the touching. You do not engage.. You report somebody to HR because they touched you inappropriately. This guy tried to put his hand on her shoulder. It wasn't a come on. She pulled away because she doesn't like to be touched at all by anyone. Her pulling away abruptly was the odd abortive thing here. This guy is now staring because he doesn't know what happened or why she's being like this. The whole thing was a big misunderstanding. As the Veteran employee she needs to address the situation. It's the mature polite thing to do & the fastest way to diffuse the problem. HR is not some at work nanny you run too every time you have a personal interaction that you can't handle. If she goes crying to HR things will get blown out of hand & they will have to start an investigation. A complaint of harassment is only valid after the "victim" tells the assailant to stop & the assailant does not & then it gets reported to HR, but the unwelcome conduct continues. Moreover to be actionable the conduct must have been because of the complainant's status as a member of a protected class (because she is a woman); it must be severe or pervasive (1 aborted touch on the shoulder & some staring is neither) and most importantly it must adversely affect the terms and conditions of employment (she is not getting paid less, being asked to work an undesirable shift or having her work space moved -- so she has no claim and no reason to get HR involved) You have to take care of your own business at work. If you constantly cry to management about petty stuff that takes away from real work, management will ultimately conclude you have poor boundaries, have substandard decision making skills & that you don't make a reliable representative for the company. 2
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