married-man Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 Hey guys, I am totally new here and this whole online help seeking is also new to me too. So, we are married since 2015, we both are in our late twenties. We both are successful people and busy, but I work roughly 9am-5pm for 5 days a week, she works from 9am - usually until midnight, every single day. She runs her own company, but working long hours is totally her choice. She's in the office from 9-6 and when she's back home - she works again. When I ask her why she won't let other people to do this job for her, she admits that only she will do it properly. When we met she was very spontaneous, we had sex like 24/7, we were going out minimum 4 times a week and been traveling every 3 months. She studied and worked in her dad's company only 5 hours a day, she hated this job but thanks to it she had money for university and other stuff. Now, I know she loves her job, but I feel like she loves it more than me, or she totally lost control over it. Sometimes we just sit quietly, she is on her laptop and I'm playing on ps. When I try to initiate cuddling or a kiss, she's ok with it but when I want more - "baby stop I really need to work". I bought for us tickets for her favorite artist, she was happy but when she found out it was on Thursday 7pm, she started moaning that she won't be on time because she has to stay at the office. (she luckily finished earlier - uff), but the amount of talking I had to make.... I tried to talk to her about it, everyone tried but it doesn't help, it changes maybe for few days and she's back to the old routine. Another aspect is that I want to have a baby now, but she doesn't, she wants to wait until she's 30. Her career is stable, she really doesn't have to work that much. It's really frustrating, help
Mumbles Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 Agree to a date night and make is sacrosanct. No matter whats going on in life, make, force, the time to be together. Also agree to say, 2 'free' days a month, or every two months, whatever works for you both. I run my own company too and I know the pressures. But, truth be told, the work never ends. You could work 24x7 and there would still be things to do. To keep a relationship together you have to prioritize it. Once an agreement is reached, don't let anything take over that time - she (and you) will then learn to squeeze that important couples time in between the pressures of the working life.
Author married-man Posted February 25, 2017 Author Posted February 25, 2017 Agree to a date night and make is sacrosanct. No matter whats going on in life, make, force, the time to be together. Also agree to say, 2 'free' days a month, or every two months, whatever works for you both. I run my own company too and I know the pressures. But, truth be told, the work never ends. You could work 24x7 and there would still be things to do. To keep a relationship together you have to prioritize it. Once an agreement is reached, don't let anything take over that time - she (and you) will then learn to squeeze that important couples time in between the pressures of the working life. Yup, I know that, but obviously she made her job a priority. I am a hard worker, too, I do many overtimes but I still find time for everything simply because I know there are also important things in life. It's a good idea to pick some days during the month and make it free from working and spend time together, maybe she will like it, hopefully.
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 I suggest a MC now while you're not yet on the brink of divorce. She needs to understand that if she wants to be married she will have to learn to compromise. I don't think this has sunk in yet. Some individual counseling for her may be positive, too, to help her learn how to prioritize, manage her time, and delegate better. These are difficult skills to learn but a skillful professional can help. Re: the baby, i feel like this issue indicates you may not be on the same page with regard to your priorities. Obviously, the business is important to her, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to focus on that while still young. Do you value her career as well, or would be happier if she scaled back to start a family? These are issues you should really address in MC. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 When you own your own business it's almost like having a child. The business is your baby. Like a baby the business needs 24/7/365 attention. Most small businesses fail because the owner doesn't give the business enough attention. It can't be delegated. The owner has to do everything. I know that is not what you wanted to hear but until her business succeeds however she defines that -- it will always come first. 3
Noideanow Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 Oommgg:confused: What a Life what a strange crazy made modern society we live in, still its s choice and with wanting to live very humbly and simple shall there Be time for love*** so sad that People wave goodbye to days they could have spend loving:( a Limited amount og days we have all got to live, but what for? A "thing" called career"? Seems you both are workaholics:( sorry:(
enddeck Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 Your wife seems to be one of these people with a checklist. Go to college.Check. Get married.Check Run a successful business.Check. She needs to make sure the next check is not you checking out. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 When you own your own business it's almost like having a child. The business is your baby. Like a baby the business needs 24/7/365 attention. Most small businesses fail because the owner doesn't give the business enough attention. It can't be delegated. The owner has to do everything. I know that is not what you wanted to hear but until her business succeeds however she defines that -- it will always come first. Amen. I've been involved in several start-ups and you might as well be deployed for the first couple of years. Not only are the decisions magnified in importance but you often can't afford the help and staffing needed to give you a break. The dynamic was a factor in the failure of my first marriage and can take a toll on everyone involved. married-man, at the minimum I'd sit down and ask "what's the (business) plan?". If she can't tell you, not a good sign as it probably means she sees this as a lifestyle. As always, communication is the key... Mr. Lucky 3
sandylee1 Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 I suggest you also consider getting a hobby and one that takes you out of the house. Stick to the date nights, that are put in your diaries and as far as a baby, you'll have to wait till she's ready. She's the one carrying It and it will impact much more on her than you. 2
BettyDraper Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 I suggest you also consider getting a hobby and one that takes you out of the house. Stick to the date nights, that are put in your diaries and as far as a baby, you'll have to wait till she's ready. She's the one carrying It and it will impact much more on her than you. This. Not to mention the detrimental effect a baby will have on her career. OP, I assume that you knew your wife was a workaholic before you married her right? Were you hoping that she would change after becoming your wife? I love the counseling and date night ideas.
Marc878 Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 What do you get out of this relationship? Exactly, is this the life you want? This may not change. Better communicate with her and figure it out. Before you waste a lot of time/life and you won't get back 1
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Oommgg:confused: What a Life what a strange crazy made modern society we live in, still its s choice and with wanting to live very humbly and simple shall there Be time for love*** so sad that People wave goodbye to days they could have spend loving:( a Limited amount og days we have all got to live, but what for? A "thing" called career"? Seems you both are workaholics:( sorry:( How is he a workaholic by working M-F 9 to 5? Most people work that shift and aren't workaholics. His wife works from 9am to midnight, that's a workaholic and actually a control freak as she won't let others do the work or help. MM, tell her that things have to change and she has to start making some compromises. That you didn't marry her to sit alone at home. She doesn't "have" work those crazy hours. She has to lighten up and learn to let others help her and not be such a control freak. I get that it's her own business but she has to have a life too, with you! Planned date nights is a must! Otherwise it won't be long before you start resenting her, feeling alone, wanting to divorce her.. Or worse, reach out to another woman. 1
Author married-man Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 Your wife seems to be one of these people with a checklist. Go to college.Check. Get married.Check Run a successful business.Check. She needs to make sure the next check is not you checking out. Hehe, this actually made me laugh. But it doesn't apply to her, obviously she's had goals that I knew about, but marriage wasn't one of it... She eventually has changed her mind, we've met 10 years ago, got engaged in 2011 and got married 4 years later... I deserve a medal for patience.
Author married-man Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 This. Not to mention the detrimental effect a baby will have on her career. OP, I assume that you knew your wife was a workaholic before you married her right? Were you hoping that she would change after becoming your wife? I love the counseling and date night ideas. She was never like this...
Author married-man Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 What do you get out of this relationship? Hmmmm, that is a very good question, though. She's devoted to her work and I get maybe 10-15% of her attention. We communicate throughout the day, we get intimate maybe once a week or twice, but I always have an impression that it became more of a duty for her, not a pleasure and fun like before. Maybe counseling is a good idea, but I'm afraid she would not find time...
Author married-man Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 I suggest you also consider getting a hobby and one that takes you out of the house. Stick to the date nights, that are put in your diaries and as far as a baby, you'll have to wait till she's ready. She's the one carrying It and it will impact much more on her than you. I am out very often, I have a very big family and a lot of friends. I go out with my dudes every two weeks and we watch football together, I also play footy. I miss those dinner dates (she is such a good cook), I miss how she could just show up at my work place for a quickie, I miss her surprises, I miss us driving around the town and talking for long hours... I really want my old lady back.
Marc878 Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Marriage needs to be balanced @ 50/50. You can only do your part. Communication is key. Better be talking to her about what you want as well as what she wants. I've found no matter how busy work is you can always make time for each other. If not you'll both end up going your separate ways.
joeandmee Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 I'm the workaholic fiance here... You said she runs her own business -- is it a startup? Is she an entreprenuer? Or is she like, the manager of an existing business? I will say that with my startup I DO get to set my own hours...sort of...but the first few years are brutal and I found myself working around the clock on all kinds of odds and ends. BUT, I'm a solo operation so I literally can't delegate unless I hire help, and the things I need help with in theory are the things that I do best. There's just a LOT of it when you're becoming established. I know it's irritating for my fiance but he's got the best attitude about it, it makes me even more sure about him. I try and bend a little but I know when I'm "in the zone" it's obvious I don't want to be irritated and I can get crabby. But, while my work is important and it's a super cool life-defining thing to own your own business -- especially as a woman right now -- I certainly don't love work more than the man I'm going to spend my life with. It's really an investment -- but both parties have to agree on how long they can hold out with the long hours, etc.
joeandmee Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Marriage needs to be balanced @ 50/50. You can only do your part. Communication is key. Better be talking to her about what you want as well as what she wants. I've found no matter how busy work is you can always make time for each other. If not you'll both end up going your separate ways. He is literally the only thing that can break me out of "work" mode. Seriously. And we have a really good harmony -- I'm a creative professional and he's exploring his own music and performing, and so he likes that I can be off in the bedroom on my laptop doing my own work while he's in the living room writing and recording, etc. He's said he's never been able to do that with a partner, and he's crazy productive and inspired when we work in tandem like that. So even though we're not talking/even in the same room, it still feels like we can feel each others' presence, if that makes sense. But, like I said, it's an investment -- 3 years from now we're going to have the life and freedom we REALLY both want. And you're right about the communication and the 50/50. It's turned a lot of men OFF over the years but for the ones for which it's been a turnon they've generally been good relationships, just not 'the one.'
joeandmee Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 I am out very often, I have a very big family and a lot of friends. I go out with my dudes every two weeks and we watch football together, I also play footy. I miss those dinner dates (she is such a good cook), I miss how she could just show up at my work place for a quickie, I miss her surprises, I miss us driving around the town and talking for long hours... I really want my old lady back. Aww man. I'm sorry. You really sound like you're hurting. Does she know how bad it is?
WomenWubber Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 OP, yours is a sad reality many young couples have to face somewhere down the line. Finding quality time with our partners is very hard in today's busy world. Most relationships go from lovey-dovey to cold-turkey eventually, a great fraction of them ultimately ending in divorce. That doesn't mean keeping the flame alive is an imposssible task, but it takes effort from both partners. Like any other sucess in life, marriage takes a lot of work and dedication. Unfortunately it would seem your wife is really married to her job, relegating you to a role of a commodity. Your case is hopeless unless your wife does her part of the deal. Also by the tone of your posts I'm not sure you want to keep trying anymore. I'm not sure if getting a hobby would help long term like other posters suggested. It does nothing to solve the root problem and Imho it can make it even worse. First and foremost you have to find it within yourself the will to make this marriage work. If you can do that, then therapy comes next. If your wife cares about this marriage, she will join you in due time.
joeandmee Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Amen. I've been involved in several start-ups and you might as well be deployed for the first couple of years. Not only are the decisions magnified in importance but you often can't afford the help and staffing needed to give you a break. The dynamic was a factor in the failure of my first marriage and can take a toll on everyone involved. married-man, at the minimum I'd sit down and ask "what's the (business) plan?". If she can't tell you, not a good sign as it probably means she sees this as a lifestyle. As always, communication is the key... Mr. Lucky ^THAT. x 1,000 The startup has cost me other relationships, time with my family, etc. but I do believe in the end it will all be worth it. I was able to turn a profit and outearn my last job pretty quickly...BUT...there was a lot more time and effort involved in it than at a "regular" job. You have to be a special kind of crazy to do it, and you have to be a different kind of crazy to stick with someone WHILE they do it. 1
sandylee1 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I miss those dinner dates (she is such a good cook), I miss how she could just show up at my work place for a quickie, I miss her surprises, I miss us driving around the town and talking for long hours... I really want my old lady back. Have you told her this? I'd leave out missing her cooking, but do tell her the rest. Take her out for dinner and have a heart to heart. Explain that you admire and love her, but that you would like time set aside for just the two of you. An understanding wife will make adjustments, because all that business success with no one to share it with isn't fun.
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