Chilli Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 (edited) l really couldn't see the right guy having any problem at all , really. lf he's got any brains he'll know your both gonna have a lota fun actually. l agree to if your not feeling it, your not. That type l don't think can grow , it's just not the right person, it's just not there. Agree with Baily too and if you wanna wait, wait, we've gotta do what suits us in life, what anyone else does doesn't matter. We're all different. Edited April 28, 2017 by Chilli 2
Redhead14 Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 Frankly, I don't see what the issue is . . . even though you were a virgin and 30 something, you are an adult and I doubt very much that you don't know what people do in the bedroom. Fears about first time sex as an adult, shouldn't be the same as you would have as a young person. People have sex, a lot, and they wouldn't be doing it if there was something to be afraid of JMO. I'm glad you've figured things out. Most of the things people do in the bedroom kinda come naturally/part of "exploring" and curiosity and learning what a partner wants and needs and doesn't want/like. If the partner forces you to do things you aren't comfortable with, that's another story. I saw a mention above about the "hymen". Trust me, if the experience of having that broken was so painful, women wouldn't be having sex. All that being said, if a partner doesn't understand that being a virgin and having sex for the first time causes a little anxiety and doesn't at least try to be "gentle", they are jerks. Whether a woman is a virgin or not, their partner needs to treat the first time they are intimate together with respect, tenderness, understanding, patience and there needs to be complete honesty and openess in the bedroom. 4
Tressugar Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 I already know that this may sound crass, but I'm being truly sincere, is there anyway you can possibly hire a professional (attractive) sex therapist? They are trained to handle situations as yours. At least you'll be ahead of the game when it comes to being devirginized and the stigma of being a virgin will be gone. Not mention you won't be nervous because you'll know what to expect. Your thoughts?
Redhead14 Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 To me sex with a new partner is always kinda "virginal". It's a new person, with different and, perhaps, new wants and needs. It's always a process of exploration -- a new experience. I think most people are nervous when becoming intimate with a new person the first time, aren't they? 6
Redhead14 Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 She doesn't need a sex therapist. She needs to chill, be relaxed and open-minded and communicate effectively with her partner about what she wants to try, needs and likes and doesn't like. It needs to be that way with any new person she may sleep with. A person needs to learn and explore with every new dating partner they become intimate with. Everyone is different so you kinda start that process over again each time. 2
Tressugar Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 Well who knows what or who she needs. I think something is going on why she hasn't had sex yet. Could be a mental block or something along those lines. Count me in I'm a virgin too, only when it comes to a new sex partner...haha.
Author Cali1978 Posted April 28, 2017 Author Posted April 28, 2017 No I definitely wouldn't go down the professional route! I'd just like to meet a man who would respect and care for me. I think I'd be fine with the right partner. It just seems like it will be difficult at my age to meet a man who is willing to hang around a little bit until I'm comfortable. And I keep seeing men, giving things a go instead of finishing it sooner when I feel it isn't right. It's like I don't know my own mind.
BaileyB Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 I'd just like to meet a man who would respect and care for me. I think I'd be fine with the right partner. It just seems like it will be difficult at my age to meet a man who is willing to hang around a little bit until I'm comfortable. A man who loves you will wait until you are comfortable (assuming that you are not totally unreasonable). In fact, helping you to feel comfortable will be very important to him. Any man who is not willing to wait and/or would pressure you to do something you are not comfortable doing is not a man that you want to date. Best that he identify himself early, as this last man just did... It is a leap of faith and at a certain point, you do have to be brave... But, you will know the right person when you meet him, and you'll know when you are ready to take the risk... 2
selinaluv Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 The more you question/analyze things, the more you will never experience being a woman. Stop putting the brakes on and live life by throwing caution into the wind. If it doesn't work out oh well that's life, you walk away with the experience, and ready for the next one. It's just a relationship. There is no obligation to see it through to marriage. Take the pressure off and enjoy yourself. I totally agree with this. And if it is about your virginity, try not to overthink it. Sometimes it is just sex... a physical act that at it's core is a pleasurable, fun experience. You can have the best experience and it not be with someone you have feelings for, it is just two people enjoying each other in the moment. When it happens go with your instincts and with what you want to do and what makes you comfortable. It isn't something that needs to be treated with so much angst. 1
Gaeta Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 I was ready after a few drinks one night but after a couple of seconds of trying he freaked out, jumped up, started shouting he was too old for this and it wasn't his job to teach me. I was really hurt but we struggled on until after more arguments things came to an end. I am so so sorry he put you through this, what a juvenile reaction on his part. Out of curiosity what exactly got him so mad? If he could not get it in it's not you the problem, it's him not being hard enough. Sounds like he could not perform and he turned the blame on you. I agree with Redhead that you just need to relax and find a cool man. There is no secret to sex just let the man lead and you'll learn along the way. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 ..I also am seeing a counsellor as I knew I could get low if I didn't watch my mind. She pretty much depressed me though saying I might be inrealistic to expect a man to be ok with this, that I could just say nothing until after the fact. I disagree with what your counselor said. I would see it as a journey of discovery that you both embark upon. It would be fun learning, relaxing, experimenting and understanding each others bodies. You could try a different page of the Kama Sutra each week. Everything comes down to being with the right person. The ''wrong'' person may see it exactly as the other guy did. A quote comes to mind... Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
No_Go Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 I think the therapist is right with the advice not to tell your potential mate: what for? I'm pretty sure my 30-something bf was virgin, but he never stated it, and I never asked (in the night of; later we had some discussions). It is nothing to be ashamed about, nothing to brag about either. If I were yo, I'd not disclose unless asked. Physical side: no reason to have a pain of any sort if you prepare correctly (i.e. dilate a bit using tampons or fingers, and use lubricant). It is not much of a different situation with someone who has had partners in the past but it has been a while. You can absolutely discuss later, after the relationship is established, if you don't want to keep secrets. But initially... I really don't see why you should bring it up. Btw I'm talking from first person experience. I was also virgin until later in life (no religious reason or anything, I just spend most of my 20s in a lab obsessing with my research and not meeting people outside of work). My 1st somehow figured out because I acted to too shy but it was really fine - I let him lead, I've done my prep - there was no pain, no awkwardness, just an interesting new experience [And ever after: I have compensated for the late start haha, all my boyfriends were barely catching up with me]. Regarding partner qualities: maybe decouple things a bit? First focus on day-to-day and physical intimacy, and then later you can evaluate compatibility for long-term/marriage - you sound a bit like you're putting the horses in front of the carriage. Thanks so much for the encouraging replies! To add a few things, my human is well gone I think! I have started using a toy and that's going well. I also am seeing a counsellor as I knew I could get low if I didn't watch my mind. She pretty much depressed me though saying I might be inrealistic to expect a man to be ok with this, that I could just say nothing until after the fact. However I just can't imagine doing it with someone and not telling them as I'm pretty sure it's going to be uncomfortable for me and also I'd like to be in a relationship that I can talk to my partner about anything. In some ways I wish I had gotten it over with with this guy. I think a lot of things have been demystified for me sexually and it doesn't seem the big deal I maybe made it in my head. It's so difficult nowadays it feels to meet the right person. I'm not looking for perfection, just someone to have fun with, respects me and cares for me and has their life together some bit. This guy didn't have his stuff together and I think subconsciously I knew we weren't a fit so wasn't really feeling it. I think we both thought some chemistry was missing and thought sex would make our relationship work. But I don't know if that's really how it works? 1
preraph Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 A toy is a really good idea. You will become more comfortable. 1
Author Cali1978 Posted April 29, 2017 Author Posted April 29, 2017 (edited) I am so so sorry he put you through this, what a juvenile reaction on his part. Out of curiosity what exactly got him so mad? If he could not get it in it's not you the problem, it's him not being hard enough. Sounds like he could not perform and he turned the blame on you. I agree with Redhead that you just need to relax and find a cool man. There is no secret to sex just let the man lead and you'll learn along the way. Without barely trying he said I was too tense but then said later he lost his erection. He often turned things around on to me I felt in an argument. You could be right there!He wasn't a bad guy I just think he wasn't able to handle it. I guess that is what I had hoped for-a man to lead the first time. I am a bit worried though that I do have a wall up that ruins things between us-this issue became too big for us and maybe killed the attraction. But then if I was attracted enough I should have WANTED to do it. I thought from the beginning he was too keen and almost desperate for a relationship so I was questioning our compatability a lot. I did like him and the attention but sometimes found conversation stilted and I'm not sure how much he "cared" about me. I hope I didn't ruin things by worrying about our compatabiltiy or was my gut telling me we weren't right??:-( Edited April 29, 2017 by Cali1978
Tressugar Posted April 29, 2017 Posted April 29, 2017 Maybe you should wait until you get yourself mentally ready and then find a guy willing enough to be patient for you. Until these two components marry you may be a virgin for the rest of your life.
BaileyB Posted April 29, 2017 Posted April 29, 2017 Without barely trying he said I was too tense but then said later he lost his erection. He often turned things around on to me I felt in an argument. You could be right there!He wasn't a bad guy I just think he wasn't able to handle it. I guess that is what I had hoped for-a man to lead the first time. I am a bit worried though that I do have a wall up that ruins things between us-this issue became too big for us and maybe killed the attraction. But then if I was attracted enough I should have WANTED to do it. I thought from the beginning he was too keen and almost desperate for a relationship so I was questioning our compatability a lot. I did like him and the attention but sometimes found conversation stilted and I'm not sure how much he "cared" about me. I hope I didn't ruin things by worrying about our compatabiltiy or was my gut telling me we weren't right??:-( It sounds like the problem was his, not yours... And, it does sound like you have reason to be concerned about your compatibility and his potential as a long term partner. Hard to say for sure, having never met the man... But, the things you describe are important. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 29, 2017 Posted April 29, 2017 To me sex with a new partner is always kinda "virginal". It's a new person, with different and, perhaps, new wants and needs. It's always a process of exploration -- a new experience. I think most people are nervous when becoming intimate with a new person the first time, aren't they? I was going to say this. Every man likes something different. There are very few universal moves. I'm very nervous each time I do it for the first time with a new person, I need a few drinks. When I was inexperienced, I googled "how to" do different things. There are detailed instructions and play by play videos on just about anything. You shouldn't expect a man to be the teacher. Beyond that, it's all pretty natural. 1
JuneL Posted April 29, 2017 Posted April 29, 2017 (edited) I agree that you should WANT to do it yourself if you are really attracted to him. When you meet your next man, maybe you can ask him to do the finger and/or toy for you as a start? Actually I know of some sex therapist who would suggest this to someone who hasn't had sex for a long time. Did you guys have some heavy making out sessions before going straight to sexual intercourse? Without barely trying he said I was too tense but then said later he lost his erection. He often turned things around on to me I felt in an argument. You could be right there!He wasn't a bad guy I just think he wasn't able to handle it. I guess that is what I had hoped for-a man to lead the first time. I am a bit worried though that I do have a wall up that ruins things between us-this issue became too big for us and maybe killed the attraction. But then if I was attracted enough I should have WANTED to do it. I thought from the beginning he was too keen and almost desperate for a relationship so I was questioning our compatability a lot. I did like him and the attention but sometimes found conversation stilted and I'm not sure how much he "cared" about me. I hope I didn't ruin things by worrying about our compatabiltiy or was my gut telling me we weren't right??:-( Edited April 29, 2017 by JuneL 1
anna121 Posted April 29, 2017 Posted April 29, 2017 I was fortunate that my first time was with someone I loved, but I sort of agree with the advice not to overthink things. If you don't have any moral/religious objections maybe just find someone who is cute and fun where the chemistry is great. Don't expect a LTR right off the bat. I mean, if it happens it would be wonderful, but it may be a bit too much pressure if the feelings are really deep. I'm only suggesting this because it feels like your virgin status has become a source of stress and you may be better off just treating the first time as an "experience" rather than part of a really deep connection. 3
Author Cali1978 Posted April 29, 2017 Author Posted April 29, 2017 I agree that you should WANT to do it yourself if you are really attracted to him. When you meet your next man, maybe you can ask him to do the finger and/or toy for you as a start? Actually I know of some sex therapist who would suggest this to someone who hasn't had sex for a long time. Did you guys have some heavy making out sessions before going straight to sexual intercourse? No we didn't really. It was all a bit quick for me. I think he was used to getting down to business pretty quickly so wasn't used to too much warming up! We only tried once or twice more and it was like there was no real feeling there and it ended badly again. I just really hope when I meet someone I really like it will come naturally to me to want to do it. I did try with this guy but it was like his heart wasn't in it because I was inexperienced. I wanted to fool around and get comfortable over a few nights but things weren't moving fast enough for him. In fairness he did hang in there longer than a lot. Just the chemistry was maybe too wrong for us to work together on it-a little patience and care on his part and just getting it over with on my part. I didn't expect him to get so mad the first time we tried and it really put me off trying again.
Author Cali1978 Posted April 29, 2017 Author Posted April 29, 2017 I was fortunate that my first time was with someone I loved, but I sort of agree with the advice not to overthink things. If you don't have any moral/religious objections maybe just find someone who is cute and fun where the chemistry is great. Don't expect a LTR right off the bat. I mean, if it happens it would be wonderful, but it may be a bit too much pressure if the feelings are really deep. I'm only suggesting this because it feels like your virgin status has become a source of stress and you may be better off just treating the first time as an "experience" rather than part of a really deep connection. I totally agree. It would have to be with someone I really fancy I think and they just seem sooooo few and far between nowadays for me! And I'd have to feel some way comfortable with him.
BaileyB Posted April 29, 2017 Posted April 29, 2017 No we didn't really. It was all a bit quick for me. I think he was used to getting down to business pretty quickly so wasn't used to too much warming up! We only tried once or twice more and it was like there was no real feeling there and it ended badly again. I just really hope when I meet someone I really like it will come naturally to me to want to do it. I did try with this guy but it was like his heart wasn't in it because I was inexperienced. I wanted to fool around and get comfortable over a few nights but things weren't moving fast enough for him. In fairness he did hang in there longer than a lot. Just the chemistry was maybe too wrong for us to work together on it-a little patience and care on his part and just getting it over with on my part. I didn't expect him to get so mad the first time we tried and it really put me off trying again. His heart wasn't in it and he wasn't aroused because there was no foreplay... A lot of the fun of sex is the journey... If he was too quick to get to the main part and didn't take the time to allow either of you to get comfortable and excited - that's just bad sex on his part! Don't take this failure on yourself. You are quick to blame your inexperience when the truth is, there is a lot more he could have done to help you to be comfortable and to make the experience pleasure for you both - and he didn't bother to do it. And truthfully, sex is never the best when two people do it for the first time. It takes time to learn about each other, to try new things - that's all the fun! Next time will be better. And, I do agree... Maybe you should just take all the pressure off, find a guy that you are attracted too, and just think of it as an experience. It doesn't have to be a life-long, love affair... Perhaps, you are making more of this than you should. 1
Chilli Posted April 30, 2017 Posted April 30, 2017 No I definitely wouldn't go down the professional route! I'd just like to meet a man who would respect and care for me. I think I'd be fine with the right partner. It just seems like it will be difficult at my age to meet a man who is willing to hang around a little bit until I'm comfortable. And I keep seeing men, giving things a go instead of finishing it sooner when I feel it isn't right. It's like I don't know my own mind. Well , don't worry about a man waiting , anyone genuinely into you won't mind that at all. l actually prefer it. You know your own mind , don't worry , it's just about coming across the right person which is hard for any of us to do , doesn't grow on trees unfortunately. Your just becoming over anxious and stressing a bit . 1
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