ThomasinLight Posted February 24, 2017 Posted February 24, 2017 (edited) I started seeing a man last July. He is not American, but had been working on a visa in America for six months. He was always stressed out about work. However, my current fellow had other stresses, too. Major stresses. He was homesick for his country and his friends, many who had major life changes while he was away - having babies. On top of this, his father was dying. The doctors treating his father were unsure of a timeline. Depending on what happened with his father, if hospice was needed, he'd quit his job and stay at home to care for his father, as long as it takes. The time we spent together was an intense combination of laughing it off and talking it out. I listened to all of his feelings and concerns; we also went skinny dipping and had picnics. His father passed away before he was able to get home to see him. Our time together felt like a relationship. We spent three or four evenings together a week. We exchanged Christmas presents. He met some of my friends. I met some of his. He'd decided to go home after the holidays for a couple of months, despite his father being gone. He wanted to be with his friends. We spent NYE together. He suggested that I fly out to meet him during the months that he is away. I asked, at this point, if things were monogamous between us. He said that he wouldn't feel right seeing anyone in our town, but with all the time that he'd be away he was unsure if he could absolutely promise fidelity. This was hard to hear. He said this was the nicest thing he'd been in in so, so long, but he needed more time. More steady time in the same city. Though I feel ready for exclusivity, I thought he was logical. I decided to see what happened when he returned - to start over then. I told him I would not be able to give it that much more time, maybe two months on return and he'd need to be in or out. I also said he needed to be in contact while away. Our last night together was really weird. The first part was fun. I took him to a comedy show and we laughed the entire two hours. He held my hand through the whole thing. But when he drove me home, he didn't even park the car. He just double-parked in the middle of the street and he pecked me goodbye. No real kiss. No hug. I felt shocked. I think I went in for maybe two more kisses and each were pecks. I wanted some little assurance. I said, "I hope you have fun at home." He said, "Thanks, I will." Then he said he'd be in touch. Seven days passed, then he wrote me on FB messenger. For an entire month, all I received were FB messenger chats about every nine days. Not one phone call. Nothing he said was reassuring. Didn't say he misses me. He didn't bring up my coming to visit. I asked him if things had changed between us. He said, "Hell no!" I asked if we could talk on the phone. I said having so much contact to no contact felt really bad. He said we could talk soon. Another five days went by and I felt like garbage. Like I was waiting all the time. I went to phone him myself. That's when I realized that his American number was shut off temporarily and I didn't even have his international number. I emailed him and said that the lack of contact felt really bad. I tried to explain that I was willing to give things more time to develop without any title, but the lack of contact (and our goodbye) had revealed to me a lack of mutuality. I said if I was reading this right, it isn't mutual. As such, the best thing I can do is unravel from it and seek something that is. I sent that six days ago and he didn't reply. My logic tells me that he was "just not that into me." He didn't want to hear my voice in a month. He didn't miss me the way I missed him. My heart keeps making excuses for him: he's in a rough patch. He wants to focus on friends. This war between logic and heart has me so torn. My head says, "I gave what I had to give and he didn't want it, not in the same way that I did." It hurts that he can't respond to release me, to say he understands and is sorry, even if it wasn't intentional. Then I wonder if it was intentional. The string between us seemed so quickly cut in our goodbye - as if I were a temporary cruise director/emotional blanket. I keep thinking I messed up somehow. Should I have been way more understanding in my brief email? Should I have asked for his new number and then waited more? Should I get in touch again to honor his stresses? Or ask if I was right that's it is not mutual? Though clearly I am right, right? He will be back here for another year of work. I am likely to run into him again. Ouch. Thank you for reading Edited February 24, 2017 by ThomasinLight Missing info
Ronni_W Posted February 25, 2017 Posted February 25, 2017 My logic tells me that he was "just not that into me." He didn't want to hear my voice in a month. He didn't miss me the way I missed him. My heart keeps making excuses for him: he's in a rough patch. He wants to focus on friends. Actually, you may have these two reversed. It is your intellectual or linear logic that rationalizes, justifies, makes excuses. Heart logic does not do that; it does not have the faculty/ability. Trust your Intuition or heart logic -- about this, and about everything else, also.
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