GIGS, Rebounds, and Breadcrumbs

[wus]

Hey Guys, I need an advice on how to move forward. I will try to make it short, but here is my story:

 

Background

Me and my ex were together for 3 years. Around the 2 1/2 yr mark, she started saying that I took her for granted and needed to feel loved. I then started to buy her flowers, gifts, showered with affection, etc... But as in any other relationships we had some fights at the end of the relationship. Anyways, late september she said she wanted to break up. Classic GIGS: she said she didn't know what she wanted in life, she wants more experiences before marrying a guy (we talked about marriage a couple of times), she wanted some time apart to see if she truly loves me, etc... I was her first everything, so its understandable, and she is 25.

 

First 3 months and first rebound

Anyways, I did the classic mistakes, begging and pleading the first two weeks, then went NC. A month after, she started dating a guy (a total ******* and player). Anyways, I contacted her a month after that and she was very responsive, we went to dinner and coffee. At 3 month mark she said she met someone and it was not ok for us to get dinner but she was open to talk and meet for coffee (weird!). Anyways we fought over her rebound so she asked me to stop talking to her. I did 2 months of NC after that.

 

Breadcrumbs and Apology

Starting on December I heard she broke things off with the rebound and she started liking my FB posts, but I kept NC. Anyways, she sent me an apology on Christmas saying that she was very sorry for what happen the last time we talked (about first rebound) and then latter texted me 2 weeks after that on my birthday.

 

Second rebound? new guy?

 

On January, I heard from a High school friend that she met this new guy. This guy seems to be the real deal (on paper), great job, guy, average looking, Graduate degree etc. But he lives in New york (we are from phoenix). And they only dated for about a week and then left back to new york.

 

After the second rebound/newguy left, my ex and I kept LC. She likes my FB posts from time to time (Breadcrumbs) and sent me some snapchats here and there. The times I have contacted her she seems very responsive and always open to met up. We met twice for coffee and she was extremely positive, asked me about my life, and if I was dating someone, I replied NO. and asked the same thing and she said she wasn't dating anyone at the moment...

 

new guy back in town? and first rebound wants to be back:sick:

 

From two of my (girl) friends... I heard the Rebound guy was trying to date again my ex, but it didn't happen. And then I heard that the second guy was coming back into town for few days. Anyways, I sort of freaked out and asked my ex to go and get some dinner (mistake! ) although she said yes, she cancelled a couple of hours latter. And then I asked for coffee the next day, she said yes but cancelled again.

 

Current situation

 

So she spent last weekend with the New guy and the guy just left two days ago. My ex then posted a picture on FB of both of them (although you can't see the guys face because its at night) and said that she had a great time with this person. So far they are not FB official per se (lol) and IDK if they will see each other again in the future since he has a stable/well paid job in New York.

 

 

What to do next?

 

So I'm in the current situation that I don't know if too keep NC or LC. Maybe ask her out again in a Month? We are at the 5 1/2 mark post-breakup.

 

I know for sure things with the new guy won't work out because she needs constant physical connection. In the past we used to see each other once or twice per week but she always complained she needed more lol. Also she has said "no" to a long distance relationship with one of her life-crushes. But maybe it could work for them? who knows... Also, some of her friends have had GIGS and then go back with their exes after 6-8months? weird hu... I think she has been influenced a lot by them.

 

 

Due to the fact that she has sent breadcrumbs and seems open to meeting up and talking... what would you guys do next? Maybe wait a little (a month?) to see if she contacts me? or keep LC with her and eventually meet up again?

 

 

6 months ago I was planning to propose around this time (April)... so these past days have been very emotional to me.

 

What would you guys recommend?

 

 

Thank you in advance

[SevenCity]

I have to ask if you really want to marry a girl who left you and slept with two other guys (you know of)?

 

My ex wife was a virgin and didn't have the need to leave me and sleep with other guys (we broke up for other reasons initiated by me).

 

But, if you do want to give it another go with this girl just stay NC and let her reach out to you telling you she wants you back. If she does, she will say so.

 

Personally, the thought of her leaving me specifically to find other guys and sleep with them would turn my stomach and I would not want to marry her after that.

[Sweetfish]

Me and my ex were together for 3 years. Around the 2 1/2 yr mark, she started saying that I took her for granted and needed to feel loved. I then started to buy her flowers, gifts, showered with affection, etc... But as in any other relationships we had some fights at the end of the relationship. Anyways, late september she said she wanted to break up. Classic GIGS: she said she didn't know what she wanted in life, she wants more experiences before marrying a guy (we talked about marriage a couple of times), she wanted some time apart to see if she truly loves me, etc... I was her first everything, so its understandable, and she is 25.

This is not classic GIGS.

 

Also, what do you mean by taken for granted and needed to feel loved?

The relationship systematically breaking down is not GIGS and is more like a dying star losing its flame. "GIGS" would be leaving a relationship for absolutely no solid reasoning. That somewhere outside something greater awaits and you realize it doesn't really get better than what I had before.

 

Say you live in New York and everything is fine.. good house and good job. You wake up one day and say... I think I need to leave.. There has to be something else out there! So you find your self in Cali and your doing the same damn thing...its just different scenery. That is "GIGS"

 

Anyways, I did the classic mistakes, begging and pleading the first two weeks, then went NC. A month after, she started dating a guy (a total ******* and player). Anyways, I contacted her a month after that and she was very responsive, we went to dinner and coffee. At 3 month mark she said she met someone and it was not ok for us to get dinner but she was open to talk and meet for coffee (weird!). Anyways we fought over her rebound so she asked me to stop talking to her. I did 2 months of NC after that.

NO.. Your big mistake was contacting her after. Contrary to popular belief...I believe the initial begging and pleading actually is a GOOD THING. Its continuing to beg is the problem.

 

Give someone power for a day or two and cutting it from them instantly has a profound effect..

 

To compound the problem, you complained about the rebound...? Honestly, you should have not said a word.

 

From two of my (girl) friends... I heard the Rebound guy was trying to date again my ex, but it didn't happen. And then I heard that the second guy was coming back into town for few days. Anyways, I sort of freaked out and asked my ex to go and get some dinner

So the whole time you never ever did NC. You have a supply of info coming to you constantly and she can contact you on every outlet.

 

So she spent last weekend with the New guy and the guy just left two days ago. My ex then posted a picture on FB of both of them (although you can't see the guys face because its at night) and said that she had a great time with this person. So far they are not FB official per se (lol) and IDK if they will see each other again in the future since he has a stable/well paid job in New York.

So in a nut shell she is sleeping with two guys "or dating" and your twiddling your thumbs waiting and waiting and waiting.

 

What to do next?

LEAVE HER... you want to marry her and you just got a quick glimpse of the future...

 

Look. Stop being around her.. no facebook stalking..no friends channeling information to you. Nothing.. Block her on every outlet.. If she loves you and wants to be with you, she will find you. I promise you that.

Edited February 24, 2017 by Sweetfish

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you know far too much about her love life.

 

I agree with the others, you need to quit hovering around and letting your friends update you. It's not helping matters. No more coffee dates. Definitely no dinner dates. All that accomplishes is helping ease her loneliness and guilt (for hurting you) while she moves on. As soon as she starts dating someone seriously, you will be left in the dust again.

 

It will hurt, but you need to really start treating this break-up as permanent. Don't bother planning what you may or may not do, in terms of trying to win her back. For your own sanity, focus instead on closing the door on this part of your life..and opening a new one.

 

It's not completely impossible that you two will reunite someday. But you don't want to be hanging on to false hope either. Begin your healing now, so that whatever the future brings, you will be happier and ready for it.

[wus]

I have to ask if you really want to marry a girl who left you and slept with two other guys (you know of)?

 

My ex wife was a virgin and didn't have the need to leave me and sleep with other guys (we broke up for other reasons initiated by me).

 

But, if you do want to give it another go with this girl just stay NC and let her reach out to you telling you she wants you back. If she does, she will say so.

 

Personally, the thought of her leaving me specifically to find other guys and sleep with them would turn my stomach and I would not want to marry her after that.

 

StevenCity,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

She was virgin when we started dating. We waited about 8 months (5 dating and 3 official bf/gf) to have sexual relationships because of her religion.

 

The day we broke up, I told her to be aware of guys that might just want to use her for sex. She said she is not like other girls and will not have sex unless she is in a committed relationship due to her religion. I hope she hasn't change her views on that... but reality it could be different

 

If we were to go back (if that ever happens) idk if I would be ok with the fact that she has slept with bunch of guys... but who knows....

[wus]

This is not classic GIGS.

 

Also, what do you mean by taken for granted and needed to feel loved?

The relationship systematically breaking down is not GIGS and is more like a dying star losing its flame. "GIGS" would be leaving a relationship for absolutely no solid reasoning. That somewhere outside something greater awaits and you realize it doesn't really get better than what I had before.

 

Say you live in New York and everything is fine.. good house and good job. You wake up one day and say... I think I need to leave.. There has to be something else out there! So you find your self in Cali and your doing the same damn thing...its just different scenery. That is "GIGS"

 

NO.. Your big mistake was contacting her after. Contrary to popular belief...I believe the initial begging and pleading actually is a GOOD THING. Its continuing to beg is the problem.

 

Give someone power for a day or two and cutting it from them instantly has a profound effect..

 

To compound the problem, you complained about the rebound...? Honestly, you should have not said a word.

 

So the whole time you never ever did NC. You have a supply of info coming to you constantly and she can contact you on every outlet.

 

So in a nut shell she is sleeping with two guys "or dating" and your twiddling your thumbs waiting and waiting and waiting.

 

LEAVE HER... you want to marry her and you just got a quick glimpse of the future...

 

Look. Stop being around her.. no facebook stalking..no friends channeling information to you. Nothing.. Block her on every outlet.. If she loves you and wants to be with you, she will find you. I promise you that.

 

Hey Sweetfish,

 

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate that.

 

The reason I think its GIGS, is because we were fine for several months after she mentioned she might want a break (not a breakup). Anyways, the day we broke up, she mentioned she loves and adores me, but she needs to see whats out there... and that maybe in the future we could be together again, but she needed to do this for herself and not because she didn't love me any longer. But you could be right, it could not be GIGS at all.

 

I did stayed NC for 2 months. but she kept reaching out by liking several of my FB posts.

 

and You are right, I really need to do NC to keep me from going insane. I really appreciate you taking your time and replying back! I hope you have a great day!

[Sweetfish]

Hey Sweetfish,

 

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate that.

 

The reason I think its GIGS, is because we were fine for several months after she mentioned she might want a break (not a breakup). Anyways, the day we broke up, she mentioned she loves and adores me, but she needs to see whats out there... and that maybe in the future we could be together again, but she needed to do this for herself and not because she didn't love me any longer. But you could be right, it could not be GIGS at all.

 

I did stayed NC for 2 months. but she kept reaching out by liking several of my FB posts.

 

and You are right, I really need to do NC to keep me from going insane. I really appreciate you taking your time and replying back! I hope you have a great day!

 

I would say most breakup sound about the same way. Some kinda cliche statement and they need to find them selves.

 

Its usually B.S.

 

Sometimes its true...but hearing the rest of the story.. its B.S. she just wants to play

Now if you were loaded with money and a nice house... and women were always eyeing you.. what would you do?

 

No... Seriously. Your making 100,000 a year and you have a nice house and car. Women are always buzzing around you and you only had sex with your girlfriend and no other girls.. you wouldn't get an itch?

Edited February 24, 2017 by Sweetfish

[preraph]

Here's the thing. At this point, you are waaaaay down the list of her priorities, which means she was right to break up. You know how some of us women are; we are usually fine being acquaintances after a break up, especially if we're the one whose idea it was, but that doesn't mean we want you back romantically or that we're intentionally stringing you along and hoping you'll wait. It just means she doesn't hate you but she's way more interested in other guys.

 

Whether you do NC is just up to you and whether you can handle her occasionally saying hi. But you need to at least draw some boundaries and not start letting her talk to you about her dates as if you were her girlfriend or let her cry on your shoulder about any of it. If you can accept it's over and still catch up with her once in awhile, then go for it, but I would say that putting some distance between you is going to be easier on you, just doing the fade, not always responding if she calls or texts, or if you do respond, just keep it very brief and vague. Her: "What are you up to?" You: "Just about to leave the house, super busy." Then she texts back even though you said you're busy, don't reply or wait a day to reply.

 

She says "Want to meet for coffee?" You say, "Oh, can't. Too busy to think."

 

Just don't be available. Let her fade away.

[wus]

OP, you know far too much about her love life.

 

I agree with the others, you need to quit hovering around and letting your friends update you. It's not helping matters. No more coffee dates. Definitely no dinner dates. All that accomplishes is helping ease her loneliness and guilt (for hurting you) while she moves on. As soon as she starts dating someone seriously, you will be left in the dust again.

 

It will hurt, but you need to really start treating this break-up as permanent. Don't bother planning what you may or may not do, in terms of trying to win her back. For your own sanity, focus instead on closing the door on this part of your life..and opening a new one.

 

It's not completely impossible that you two will reunite someday. But you don't want to be hanging on to false hope either. Begin your healing now, so that whatever the future brings, you will be happier and ready for it.

 

hehe I agree... I do know a lot about her... I need to tell my friends to stop telling me what she is doing. I guess that is also keeping me from moving on :/

[SevenCity]

StevenCity,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

She was virgin when we started dating. We waited about 8 months (5 dating and 3 official bf/gf) to have sexual relationships because of her religion.

 

What religion says you can have sex out of marriage, as long as you wait 8 months?

 

The day we broke up, I told her to be aware of guys that might just want to use her for sex. She said she is not like other girls and will not have sex unless she is in a committed relationship due to her religion. I hope she hasn't change her views on that... but reality it could be different

 

She is like other girls. And what she said then could have been a lie or what she was feeling in the moment. Don't put faith in what a woman says during a breakup - it's BS.

 

If we were to go back (if that ever happens) idk if I would be ok with the fact that she has slept with bunch of guys... but who knows....

 

I wouldn't - you probably won't either. But if there is a chance you will be ok with it you have to go out and get new chicks and bang them. You could rationalize away her banging other guys if you weren't sitting home alone pining for her.

 

As mentioned she is weening herself off of you and you are making it easy to transition her to another guy. Cut all contact now and disappear like a ninja until she comes back saying she made the biggest mistake of her life and wants you (which likely won't happen - but you'll have other chicks around you to soften the blow).

[preraph]

hehe I agree... I do know a lot about her... I need to tell my friends to stop telling me what she is doing. I guess that is also keeping me from moving on :/

 

Boy, have I been there. Nearly every guy I was involved with was from one big extended subset of friends who all knew each other. To this day, there's one guy who will report back to an ex of 40 years ago any little thing. He will report to me any big important thing, like a health issue or he lost his job, but to him he would tell him everything I said or did, but I don't much communicate with that guy anymore so that remedied that.

 

But yeah, when we were all from the same big group, you couldn't do anything without everyone knowing. Once I got poison ivy with this guy I wasn't at all serious about and as soon as we both broke out, the whole crowd was abuzz about it. I remember going to a reunion like 30 years later and happened to sit by someone from that old crowd who I just knew as an acquaintance at the time and he told me, "I wouldn't even remember you if you hadn't gotten poison ivy with _____." Yikes! Some English professor in LA who I didn't know when he lived here but had heard the name mentioned by others, even put the episode in a fictionalized book.

 

So when you are hurting or you are trying to run someone off, then is the time to shut ya own mouth and not feed the monster!

[raditz]

Hey. I never read your whole post. But I got enough info to post this. I made this account at 5 in the morning because of a dream.

 

Almost 3.5 years ago my ex left me for another guy. And we were happy. Until the last two months. Everything I did in the months she would tell and scream. Get mad at everything and take off.

 

Long story short. Left for someone else. It didn't work. I took her back. Now i regret it. She Is stuck in the last two month mode of when we first broke up. Things never went back. And I still ask my self almost everyday trying to understand.

 

Why . Why did she leave me for him. I've asked her and I've had four different answers. But it still doesn't make sense how 2 people were so close n one can just one day flip a switch that erases the last how ever many years.

 

If I could go back. I would of remained quiet as she was blowing up my email begging for me back.

 

Moral of my story. Don't settle for something that became nothing and don't be stuck like me wondering still to this day why I' wasn't good enough before.

 

Ps I'll be on my second breakup with her soon. What a waste of my life!

[Maldives]

Hey. I never read your whole post. But I got enough info to post this. I made this account at 5 in the morning because of a dream.

 

Almost 3.5 years ago my ex left me for another guy. And we were happy. Until the last two months. Everything I did in the months she would tell and scream. Get mad at everything and take off.

 

Long story short. Left for someone else. It didn't work. I took her back. Now i regret it. She Is stuck in the last two month mode of when we first broke up. Things never went back. And I still ask my self almost everyday trying to understand.

 

Why . Why did she leave me for him. I've asked her and I've had four different answers. But it still doesn't make sense how 2 people were so close n one can just one day flip a switch that erases the last how ever many years.

 

If I could go back. I would of remained quiet as she was blowing up my email begging for me back.

 

Moral of my story. Don't settle for something that became nothing and don't be stuck like me wondering still to this day why I' wasn't good enough before.

 

Ps I'll be on my second breakup with her soon. What a waste of my life!

 

Wohh that's certainly sometching to be mindful of i been burnt so many times by woman I just don't believe anything they say anymore. The last one said everything under the sun oh never met anyone like u ur my soulmate I wanna grow old together but wen we went thru som rough times I stuck it out wth her her situation was always tough yet she dumped me lost all faith in woman for now and I really don't know wether that'll ever change.