Letting go, a little at a time(sunshine, out, blue and the rest of the crew)

February 24, 2017

I won't repost my story, but anyone who read or participated in the thread I started (destabilization phase..) it's been four months since exMM broke it off, since we've had any physical contact. He blocked me and we didn't talk at all for the first month or more.. but we have talked some in the time since, and by that I mean mostly tidbits of arguments about the whole thing. I am about 90% sure he is having some sort of relationship with one of HIS employees (he's over one of the departments in our organization, was never my boss) who is ten years younger than him. And I have called him out on it, which he denies of course, and other people have noticed the flirting, etc too. I still hurt every day.. but it's becoming less unbearable. Since I witnessed the flirting a few weeks ago, and told him what I thought, I have felt a lot more detached from the situation. When I think about it it hurts, but I'm more angry and disgusted that he fed me the excuse it was too risky with our jobs. I feel like, for the first time during this three year mess, if he came back right now, I wouldn't want him. And that's a big step for me. He's known he's had me on a fish hook for too long. He knows now how angry and disgusted I am, I've been meaner and more cold to him the past few weeks than I ever have. I finally feel like I can beat this. I realize he's never coming back.. and I finally think I realize that's a good thing.. where are all of you? Still in, trying to get out, still NC? Let me know!!

February 24, 2017

It's good progress you're seeing him for what he is.

Just a thought though. .... You're angry and hurt that he might have another OW. Imagine how it would feel for his wife, finding out about you.

You'll do even better when you start thinking about the innocent parties in the affair and do some serious self reflection on your poor choice of romantic relationship.

Remember that by being cold and distant, it's obvious you still care. A better approach would be happy and confident, like you don't give a damn or... and better still, start dating and shift your focus.

Being a mistress, is a relationship with no future. It's pointless.

February 24, 2017

By engaging even just a little bit you are letting this man know you are still on the hook.

Do a complete 180 on this man! Don't call him out on anything, not even the colour of the sky!

I'm not trying to diminish your steps on letting go. I just think it's so sad to let another person have a hold on us that we continue to analyze and offer up ourselves to these people that do not care truly about anyone:(

Validate yourself by your positive actions, this is what matters not who's flirting with who

February 24, 2017

It's good progress you're seeing him for what he is.

Just a thought though. .... You're angry and hurt that he might have another OW. Imagine how it would feel for his wife, finding out about you.

You'll do even better when you start thinking about the innocent parties in the affair and do some serious self reflection on your poor choice of romantic relationship.

Remember that by being cold and distant, it's obvious you still care. A better approach would be happy and confident, like you don't give a damn or... and better still, start dating and shift your focus.

Being a mistress, is a relationship with no future. It's pointless.

Honestly, here is the thing about this - and it took me a while to understand it. You do what you need to do to get better, and do NOT worry one damn what it looks like to him or what he thinks about it.

If you need to be cold and distant then do it, if you need to run around the office laughing and partying it up then do it but do it for YOU and not because of the image you want to project to him. You think, how does this make me feel, not how will this make me look to him.

February 24, 2017

Yes the other posters are spot on.

He is this kind of a person. His problem not yours. HE was your problem. Let him go and let him do whatever he wants. You LIVE your life out, not for anyone else in the world but for you. Someone notices or not, it shouldnt matter. Good luck

February 24, 2017

Honestly, here is the thing about this - and it took me a while to understand it. You do what you need to do to get better, and do NOT worry one damn what it looks like to him or what he thinks about it.

If you need to be cold and distant then do it, if you need to run around the office laughing and partying it up then do it but do it for YOU and not because of the image you want to project to him. You think, how does this make me feel, not how will this make me look to him.

Fair enough.

But it can come over as being obvious you're still into MM and thus make it easier for you to be pulled back in the A.

February 24, 2017

Fair enough.

But it can come over as being obvious you're still into MM and thus make it easier for you to be pulled back in the A.

Agreed, and that is the problem. Damned if you do damned if you don't. I think the part a lot of us who got into this mess have a hard time admitting is the truth. Yes, i am a junkie, yes MM is my drug and yes if around him long enough or if he approaches me the right way chances are I will have a relapse. We lie not just to those of us on this board saying i am strong i can do this, but we lie to our damn selves too.

This is why they say cut the ties and run like the devil is on your heels. Get away from these men so that you do not have to play this game, do this dance, and lie to yourself.

February 25, 2017

Thank you all, you are all right. Sometimes it is damned if you do, damned if you don't. No longer speaking to him when I see him, acknowledging him when he waves has helped..my next step is avoiding the building he's in unless it's a necessity I have to be there- even if it means cutting ties to friendships. I used to base my entire day around what he thought- would he like what wore etc.. I'm starting to realize it doesn't matter what he thinks I have to be happy with myself for me. Keep playing encouragement here pleases it helps so much

February 25, 2017

My advice is... don't do anything. Don't be cold, don't be exuberant, just be you. I know it has got to be hard seeing him, but just try to picture a fuzzy tv screen where his body is and erase him from your thoughts and actions while you work. Give yourself a certain amount of time to ruminate and then put it away. It takes some practice but as you do it, he will become smaller an d smaller in your mind, holding less power.

I am proud of you. Four months is awesome!!

February 25, 2017

Under the circumstances, it sounds to me like you're doing great. Sounds like there's a lot to unpack, but you're well on your way!

February 26, 2017

Lost, congrats on your progress, I'm at 5 months myself with full no contact....it does get easier although I don't see my XDOW anymore since we don't work together, I am at the "old" store where everything happened...so I feel you with triggers. That said, use the anger at him starting up with someone else...my X has with another co-worker and it really does help when you see the reality of "how they are"....sure, it pisses you off, I'm not saying it doesn't, but my X is doing and saying the same **** she did with me to him, and that smashes the fantasy of "us"....keep taking care of yourself and that will be the best revenge.

February 26, 2017

I'm still here, I just don't post much. I read a lot of the stories on the Infidelity site more than here. It's a bit hard for me on this page as I know the damage these things inflict on your life. It's like watching a kid play with a stick of dynamite.

I'm approaching the 2 year mark since it started, which is incredible since its been over a year it ended. I don't call it NC, I called it the worst mistake I ever made but also the greatest learning lesson of all time. I know now that most people lie and will use you. You really can't trust anyone or believe anyone has your own self interest at heart above their own.

Last night my husband's phone was unlocked for a moment and I looked at it and saw he had been texting and calling this woman who he had an affair with long, long ago when he was single and she was married. She has been an issue in our past as I saw the FB chats and contacted her myself to introduce myself. Now she is back. I could see from the conversations that it was more my husband than her, he was the one sending selfies and sweet texts. It was a pretty big surprise. I'd been on the lookout for the xOW, not this woman. At least she does not live here but on the other side of the country.

I thought about what to do and probably did the opposite of all the advice on the other board, I immediately asked him about it. He admitted that he does flirt with her, as it made him feel better after what I had done. It is just an ego boast, nothing more for him. He did not think it was a big deal as she lived far away and knew he was married. And of course, it is my fault as it is really because of how I had been hung up on xmm for so long. A valid point. But still. It's nice how men just use whoever is willing. Lord only knows what this woman thinks. He said he started it in June. June!

I know 2016 was not fun and I don't feel I have much of right to say anything. I feel like my life is pretty broken up after the whole experience with xmm. And it keeps on coming. I asked him to stop. He said okay but as I know, people lie. Can't trust anyone these days. There will be always be some woman who will get herself sucked in to be some man's ego boast.

I should know. It was certainly me.

I'm trying to fix my life, my marriage and break this cycle.

As for xmm, I guess it will always hurt that I was used. But pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I'm in my 40s and I've wasted most of my life being miserable about one thing or another, all it is my own created misery. I don't want to be that person anymore.

February 26, 2017

I'm still here, I just don't post much. I read a lot of the stories on the Infidelity site more than here. It's a bit hard for me on this page as I know the damage these things inflict on your life. It's like watching a kid play with a stick of dynamite.

I'm approaching the 2 year mark since it started, which is incredible since its been over a year it ended. I don't call it NC, I called it the worst mistake I ever made but also the greatest learning lesson of all time. I know now that most people lie and will use you. You really can't trust anyone or believe anyone has your own self interest at heart above their own.

Last night my husband's phone was unlocked for a moment and I looked at it and saw he had been texting and calling this woman who he had an affair with long, long ago when he was single and she was married. She has been an issue in our past as I saw the FB chats and contacted her myself to introduce myself. Now she is back. I could see from the conversations that it was more my husband than her, he was the one sending selfies and sweet texts. It was a pretty big surprise. I'd been on the lookout for the xOW, not this woman. At least she does not live here but on the other side of the country.

I thought about what to do and probably did the opposite of all the advice on the other board, I immediately asked him about it. He admitted that he does flirt with her, as it made him feel better after what I had done. It is just an ego boast, nothing more for him. He did not think it was a big deal as she lived far away and knew he was married. And of course, it is my fault as it is really because of how I had been hung up on xmm for so long. A valid point. But still. It's nice how men just use whoever is willing. Lord only knows what this woman thinks. He said he started it in June. June!

I know 2016 was not fun and I don't feel I have much of right to say anything. I feel like my life is pretty broken up after the whole experience with xmm. And it keeps on coming. I asked him to stop. He said okay but as I know, people lie. Can't trust anyone these days. There will be always be some woman who will get herself sucked in to be some man's ego boast.

I should know. It was certainly me.

I'm trying to fix my life, my marriage and break this cycle.

As for xmm, I guess it will always hurt that I was used. But pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I'm in my 40s and I've wasted most of my life being miserable about one thing or another, all it is my own created misery. I don't want to be that person anymore.

Oh Midnight, I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you'll keep posting. The quote I put in bold really resonated with me. I'm doing the same thing and I don't want to be that person anymore. You are strong and you can get through this.

February 26, 2017

Oh Midnight, I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you'll keep posting. The quote I put in bold really resonated with me. I'm doing the same thing and I don't want to be that person anymore. You are strong and you can get through this.

Thanks. I went through the phone and text logs today and I could see he was telling the truth, it was sporadic, maybe 40 texts a month and a few calls. What bothered me was it was the highest in February, now. He mentioned other issues unrelated to xmm, none of which are new, I'm working all the time as its my busy season (someone has to support us) and his attempt at a new career is not going well. It puts a lot of pressure on me to not only make money to pay the bills but have to now be on high alert to pay him enough attention or he will seek it elsewhere. I work at home, I'm always here. Someone has to work.

So it bothered me he brought up xmm because while valid, it is also the same tired old issues which got us here in the first place. He also brought up how I never go to the gym anymore and don't have some of the same hobbies he and this ex from 20 years ago did.

Sorry, I work 7 days a week. My hobby is sleep. So I go back and forth between feeling like it's all me and what happened with xmm and then feeling like it's more complicated that that. It's hard to know which came first, the chicken or the egg.

But in regards to my comment, yes, I am so done with being depressed, sad, just not enjoying life. So while my post may sound like I am upset, and I am a little, a big part of me is like - whatever. Text away big guy, send pics of your face to some chick from eons ago if it puffs your ego. I'm going to be off living my life (and not staring at my phone!!). There will definitely be no other man in it. I'm going to get happy and no man - here, there or anywhere - is going to bring me down again.

February 27, 2017

Lost...

I realise he's never coming back...

Don't believe that! There is always the chance he will and are you prepared how to handle that if you still have feelings? I know your situation is a bit different as you see him through work but...

My xMM stopped contact with me for a while, I thought that exact same thing that he would never come back. Went through the usual grieving processes and was starting to come to terms with it. Then out of the blue he got back in touch. Stomach flip! I wasn't prepared for all those feelings to bubble back up to the surface and how easy it was to chat to him again. All those horrible addictive feelings came back too and I realise that I'm quite powerless to them so the only thing I can do is make sure he can't reach me. I sent him a "closure" message and blocked him. I've never felt strong enough to do that before but now I can.

So please prepare yourself for that possibility because the "exhilaration" of them being back will land you straight back in the fog.

February 27, 2017

StarswewillnavigateHonestly, I am no where near being prepared if he were to come back to the affair part. The coldness and vibes he sends me- he doesn't even raise his head up to look at me anymore when I walk in the door, and I don't feel him watching me anymore when I have to be over there, and I am talking to the others like he used to do- I guess I've been using that to confirm my belief that he hates me, and it helps fuel the anger. Right now, I'm still so sick over thinking about him and her and the big chance they are doing the things we did, that I don't want to speak to him, I don't want to see him, etc- whereas before I would do anything just to see him so much as walk across the parking lot. I would like to say in an ideal world, the ultimate feeling of being "better" would be for him to try again and me be strong enough to say no. But I know I'm not there yet, and there's a good chance I would crumble at his feet if he did. And the Problem is he's always known I'm that way, that I've been a pushover. But the last time I talked to him I told him that I am disgusted at how pathetic I've been over the last few months when it came to him and how I've let him treat me and that I was I no longer the person sitting there ready and willing when he got bored or tired of his current situation... and in the last I've always apologized in a day or two, but I meant it this time and I haven't been anything but cold to him, not glancing his way, walking past him and never acknowledging he's there, etc. I see him maybe twice a week.. and it's always worse after I see him. So to make a long answer short, I am absolutely not there yet. How did you react when he came back? What did he say to you, and were you able to resist?

Edited February 27, 2017 by Lostgirl186

February 27, 2017

Midnight, I'm just curious, how did you feel when you first saw the texts between he and the other woman, before you asked him about it? I've often thought that if I were to find something like that on my husbands phone, it would give me sufficient enough reason to leave, because I'm so scared of leaving now. I know that is so hypocritical and condescending.. I have always been someone who had her life together, or appeared to, and would force happiness for my child. This affair has turned me into a person who literally can't feel anything- not hurt, remorse, etc... just numb..

I watched a good movie over the weekend on Hulu called addicted. It focuses a lot on affair addiction and sex addiction, and it really hit me close to home. Keeping you in my mind as always

February 27, 2017

Midnight, I'm just curious, how did you feel when you first saw the texts between he and the other woman, before you asked him about it? I've often thought that if I were to find something like that on my husbands phone, it would give me sufficient enough reason to leave, because I'm so scared of leaving now. I know that is so hypocritical and condescending.. I have always been someone who had her life together, or appeared to, and would force happiness for my child. This affair has turned me into a person who literally can't feel anything- not hurt, remorse, etc... just numb..

I watched a good movie over the weekend on Hulu called addicted. It focuses a lot on affair addiction and sex addiction, and it really hit me close to home. Keeping you in my mind as always

I felt really scared. My heart fell through the floor. My husband is not like the other guys you read about here. He is more like a female in that he falls really hard and gets totally sucked into the limerance, as they put it here. He is not like other guys, not capable of living two lives, he gets totally emotionally in deep fast.

We talked about it this weekend and he said it really wasn't anything, he just spoke with her as it was basically an ego boast. He said it was hard for him last year watching me with xmm each week, and then my reaction when I saw him a few weeks ago. He wishes I could just not give a crap and go there and ignore him like he was nothing to me.

I wish that too.

So I kinda believe him but on the other hand, I know first hand how people lie and it's a bit of a stretch. I would say infidelity is like this door you walk through. Once you do, the innocence is lost and you can't go backwards. I do believe he needed an ego boast but I suspect its not entirely about me, he didn't have the experience I did, he had a fling which ended on its own terms, they had a fight and ended it. He may miss that buzz. In which case, I can't kill myself trying to prevent him from doing it again. I can only prevent myself. It's not hard as I have zero desire to ever walk that path again.

At times I think about xmm, pretty much I think about his lies. I don't love him anymore, that is for sure. I'm still hurt though, which I am trying to overcome.

February 27, 2017

I felt really scared. My heart fell through the floor. My husband is not like the other guys you read about here. He is more like a female in that he falls really hard and gets totally sucked into the limerance, as they put it here. He is not like other guys, not capable of living two lives, he gets totally emotionally in deep fast.

We talked about it this weekend and he said it really wasn't anything, he just spoke with her as it was basically an ego boast. He said it was hard for him last year watching me with xmm each week, and then my reaction when I saw him a few weeks ago. He wishes I could just not give a crap and go there and ignore him like he was nothing to me.

I wish that too.

So I kinda believe him but on the other hand, I know first hand how people lie and it's a bit of a stretch. I would say infidelity is like this door you walk through. Once you do, the innocence is lost and you can't go backwards. I do believe he needed an ego boast but I suspect its not entirely about me, he didn't have the experience I did, he had a fling which ended on its own terms, they had a fight and ended it. He may miss that buzz. In which case, I can't kill myself trying to prevent him from doing it again. I can only prevent myself. It's not hard as I have zero desire to ever walk that path again.

At times I think about xmm, pretty much I think about his lies. I don't love him anymore, that is for sure. I'm still hurt though, which I am trying to overcome.

You are so right when you say once you walk thru that door.... I'll never be the same person again. I guess the hardest part for me is when I get the urge to text him, or talk to him. Sometimes it's bc I miss him, but sometimes I think it's the addiction- wanting to see how he would react to me today, still cold, or breadcrumbs.. basically wanting to know what his reaction would be. For instance, I got behind him in drop off line this morning at school... and then on my way home from lunch, I passed him... and seeing him twice like that has given me the overwhelming urge to contact him.. I spent the lunchour gping thru motivational quotes to keep me from doing it. How do you all fight the urge to reach out? Does it ever go away fully?

February 27, 2017

You are so right when you say once you walk thru that door.... I'll never be the same person again. I guess the hardest part for me is when I get the urge to text him, or talk to him. Sometimes it's bc I miss him, but sometimes I think it's the addiction- wanting to see how he would react to me today, still cold, or breadcrumbs.. basically wanting to know what his reaction would be. For instance, I got behind him in drop off line this morning at school... and then on my way home from lunch, I passed him... and seeing him twice like that has given me the overwhelming urge to contact him.. I spent the lunchour gping thru motivational quotes to keep me from doing it. How do you all fight the urge to reach out? Does it ever go away fully?

It's like fighting the urge for anything you are trying to quit. You kind of suffer through the feeling and the feeling subsides. Then next time you know it will eventually fade a bit. You just tell yourself not to do or you will be right back at square one.

Plus, obviously now I literally could not reach out since his wife reads his emails but before that, I'd keep a few particularly good emails which would make me remember how stupid I felt when I'd reach out and he'd write back, some jazzy response reminding me how he could only be my friend now. That was basically how I really stopped contacting him. To witness firsthand how I had meant nothing and how he really was fine, how I was lamenting over something that was just a big lie designed to get me into bed - it was pretty humiliating. And when I spoke to him, I would feel so horrible about myself, so worthless.

Does it ever go away? Well yes of course. I know I've been very upset and hung up on people in my past and its gone now. Everything passes. Your problem is that you see him. It keeps the pain fresh. I lived that for a year. It's been 3 months for me now, except that one encounter. I do feel better but the feelings of humiliation and anger at myself do remain.

February 27, 2017

You are so right when you say once you walk thru that door.... I'll never be the same person again. I guess the hardest part for me is when I get the urge to text him, or talk to him. Sometimes it's bc I miss him, but sometimes I think it's the addiction- wanting to see how he would react to me today, still cold, or breadcrumbs.. basically wanting to know what his reaction would be. For instance, I got behind him in drop off line this morning at school... and then on my way home from lunch, I passed him... and seeing him twice like that has given me the overwhelming urge to contact him.. I spent the lunchour gping thru motivational quotes to keep me from doing it. How do you all fight the urge to reach out? Does it ever go away fully?

I have been in the situation that you are in where i worked with my xMM and saw him, passed him the halls, etc. and moving on in that situation was pretty much not doable.

Now, i never see him we work opposition schedules and i do not have to pass him in the hallway, and moving on has been so much easier. The temptation to contact him doesn't exist and i have head space to see him and the affair for what it was. I used to fight with myself when i had to see him to NOT contact him (that was when i saw him every day at work) now it is a passing thought.

You will be so much better for it if you can figure out a way to either change jobs, offices, or your schedule so this man is not in your life in any way. If you continue on this path it will drag out the pain and i wouldn't wish that on anyone.

February 27, 2017

It's like fighting the urge for anything you are trying to quit. You kind of suffer through the feeling and the feeling subsides. Then next time you know it will eventually fade a bit. You just tell yourself not to do or you will be right back at square one.

Plus, obviously now I literally could not reach out since his wife reads his emails but before that, I'd keep a few particularly good emails which would make me remember how stupid I felt when I'd reach out and he'd write back, some jazzy response reminding me how he could only be my friend now. That was basically how I really stopped contacting him. To witness firsthand how I had meant nothing and how he really was fine, how I was lamenting over something that was just a big lie designed to get me into bed - it was pretty humiliating. And when I spoke to him, I would feel so horrible about myself, so worthless.

Does it ever go away? Well yes of course. I know I've been very upset and hung up on people in my past and its gone now. Everything passes. Your problem is that you see him. It keeps the pain fresh. I lived that for a year. It's been 3 months for me now, except that one encounter. I do feel better but the feelings of humiliation and anger at myself do remain.

We ran into some lady my husband used to go to school with this weekend. She was BEAUTIFUL and single and you can bet your cookies my jealousy spiked through the roof. Here was this amazing woman, who never hurt my husband the way I have, single, and obviously knows my husband. Who am I to stand next to her? It hurt- I have to admit.

You are right - affairs are a doorway to another side - a loss of something in your marriage you can never get back. Sometimes it can be the grit you both need to make it better and sometimes it does the opposite. Only time will tell in our case but damn right i was one jealous wife.

February 27, 2017

Hey Lost...

I'm around, not as much lately. My life is pretty busy there is a lot of personal family stuff going on, that takes up my time.

MM and I we are friends. That's where things are.

February 28, 2017

Hey Lost...

I'm around, not as much lately. My life is pretty busy there is a lot of personal family stuff going on, that takes up my time.

MM and I we are friends. That's where things are.

I am surprised, how are you doing with the friendship? Is it hard ?

February 28, 2017

I am surprised, how are you doing with the friendship? Is it hard ?

I am also interested in this. I've heard it's very hard to shift gears into friendship. My xMM and I discussed it before NC started, as the affair was brief, mostly emotional, and was a first-and-only, boy did we make a mistake letting this get out of hand experience for both of us. How have you managed it?

Sign In

Letting go, a little at a time(sunshine, out, blue and the rest of the crew)

Recommended Posts

Lostgirl186

sandylee1

Maddieandtae

HeCantBreakMe

freengreen

sandylee1

HeCantBreakMe

Lostgirl186

goodyblue

gettingstronger

Outofmysystem

MidnightBlue1980

deadsoul

MidnightBlue1980

starswewillnavigate

Lostgirl186

Lostgirl186

MidnightBlue1980

Lostgirl186

MidnightBlue1980

HeCantBreakMe

HeCantBreakMe

Chica80

HeCantBreakMe

FoundMyStrength

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...