loveturtle Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 and a half years. He lives in the East coast... I live in the west coast. We met each other when i was just turning 17 (he was 19)...and we had love at first sight. We were perfect or each other...and the 6 months we did have together before i had to move to the west coast felt like bliss, guiding through the clouds. He was everything i had ever dreamed of. We were going strong for a while, he was always my world, and we made every effort to save up money and see each other. I was his sun, he was my moon. And i knew i could completely trust him. I was his "first". But a year later, for the summer time i went abroad to visit my relatives in europe and i ended up getting very intoxicated (no drinking age there) and my parent's friends set me up with a guy to tour me around the city. At that time, i felt really insecure and just really wanted people to like me... and pretty soon after getting very drunk that guy started putting the moves on me and i gave in... It was the worst feeling of my life! i wanted to say no....it was like watching myself get strangled and it all felt so wrong. I at no point got any enjoyment out of it... i just completely compramised myself. I felt the whole time like god was watching, and the whole incident lasted like a disgusting eternity. I had never felt so guilty in all my life...God sure made me suffer....or i made myself suffer anyways. The rest of my vacation i felt like i was in hell...i had no sense of mental health because the guilt was so bad. love and truth all there is i realized I knew i could never ever look into my boyfriend's eyes and lie...he was my everything, so i had to tell him... i had to tleast give him the choice to choose me or throw me away because i felt he deserved that He decided to forgive... and at that time (without my parents blessings) i went to stay with him and his family for 3 months back in the east coast. (I should mention that my family is very conservative, and this put us on very bad terms....they had an arranged marriage and certainly didn't want me to be with anyone this young, let alone a blue eyed blonde american boy. But his forgiveness came very harsh. For 3 months, he called me a slut, a whore...just bassically every bad things there is to say. He abused me, never kissed me. We never made love the whole time....I also got a job in his side of town while he did nothing but sat at home because he was so "heartbroken"... I was in his territory, the suburbs, with just him and his friends and his family. But i felt i deserved all this, and i had to put up with it all because i had ****ed up and he was all that was real to me. He was worth it all.....I just wanted our relationship to be healthy and the way it could be. So after 3 months i had to go back home to start college. I was on very bad terms with my family for dsobeying them...but they were happy i was starting school. Again, my boyfriend didn't start school, didn't get a job.....so back home i was continueing to work to save money for us. He always reminded me of what i had done, and that i was impure to him now...that there was nothing really special about me now. And that everything we had in the past was all lost....but he didn't want to lose me and i didn't want to lose him. I eventually managed to save up enough money to visit him again for a week during break for about 3 months later....only to find out that on new years he made out with some girl....while during this whole time i was being very faithful, very dedicated and honest. It came to me like a dagger. And he still persisted in treating me rotten...saying i had no reason to be mad because after all i had ****ed up the worst. So then i go back home, forgiving him and continuing with school...except this time things get really rotten. He ends up cheating on me with this girl...having some fling....going the whole ten yards. He doesn't tell me until i insist that there is something he's hiding from me, because my dreams and intuition were telling me he had done so. He had actually appeared in my dream, talked to me, and told me that he had been with another women... he was in the underworld, the dream was so life-like...and i felt he was under the power of the devil, i saw cerebreus as well....it was just all too real, and my inutition pointed me to this reality....accross the country. I was never religious when i met him...and i guess i could atleast say i owe to him for my taking the right path....because before meeting him i was radioctive and self-destructive...the honest love he had given me before and my selfishness in destroying it turned my life's morals around with the suffering i put myself through. So now, that he says he's even...now that he says he completely forgives me because his cheating on me is the only way he could get the past out of his head........i hate him. For more than a year i put up with all the ugliness he gave me, having faith in love and hope in that i was honest and had a knew understanding of how important trust it. I put so much time, money, effort, degredation....for the hope that things could be sunny again. Before he revealed what he had done to me, he was still trying to make me feel guilty for something i had done over a year ago, even after the fact that he had avenged his heart. Apparently he was some burning when peeing and said that i had given this to him because i was the only girl he had sex with and that i was such a slut.....but it turns out i wasnt...he had ****ed that girl just weeks before. So i think god does give justice and i hope he does have an STD. He says he has no regrets for what he did, he wasnt honest about it, and he did it after making me suffer for so long. He is truely evil now. He says that this time he'll visit me, in sept because he got a job. I wanted to just say don't visit me at all, i never want to see you again....but i had a better idea. I put so much time and money into keeping things going for us for so long...i haven't had respect from him for over a year....put up with so much ugliness for this. SOOOO I want him to visit me in sept...when i get back from the rainforest, I just want him to waste money and time on a plance ticket, and come to my territory. I'll act like all is good, and show him to this wonderful mountain that's very special to me on the first day. once we're at the top of this point (it ends at this ver beautiful summit that you climb up to) I'll say i'm going to get something from the car... leave with all his money and cell phone in my backpack...taking his shoes..(i'll leave him with his id so eventually he can make it back to the airport and use his e-ticket back home)....but yeah....i'll leave him stranded. He's drained me so much till i was completely week, then he swept up the rug under my feet. All i feel i'm left with is months of harsh words he's said to me. I hate his love. I hate him. And i will get my revenge. Our love could have been sweet, but now it's a devouring flame. I wish him misery forever.
ConfusedSoul Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 I understand this I got some men i wished enternal damnation on to so yer not alone there
winnie_05 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 I feel sorry for you, an awful situation to be in. I know you didn't mean to hurt him, but thats what you did and I think he was so hurt and thats why he showed you no respect, and didn't know any other way to deal with it. Can you see any way back at all? relationship councelling? or is this what you definately want, it over? Winnie
Mary3 Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Wow what a riveting story ! I thought you were going to say that you were going to shove him off the mountain ! But in either case, you should have NEVER confessed to him. Anyone but him to relieve your guilt. Others might disagree but one columnist said you confess to relieve the guilt but in the process you destroy what the other one feels for you. His * punishment * that lasted FOREVER was bullcrappy. You take some of the blame for putting up with someone who treated you so horribly for soooooooooooooo long .... When you should have said " Listen Rocket Scientist , I made a mistake and I apologized and you have agreed to work through this with me. Not PUNISH me. " At that point he needed to stop the crappola... Be glad he is not in your life anymore..
TnT Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Damn, what a story, thanks for sharing hun. I am glad that at the end of all this u r not in a position where u r still feeling guilty, good to c u saw the light and ppl make mistakes in life, but he shouldnt have treated u like that. If he was that hurt, he should have ended it and not put u both through hell. Anyhow, i dont think u should get revenge on him... i think the best revenge for him is for u to not continue the relationship. He will miss u alot and realise what an idiot he was not to forgive u in the first place. He will then realise he lost the best thing in his life, an honest and open gf. I dont think revenge will make u feel better. How are u going to feel if u do something like the mountain incident, and something terrible happens to him??? Be the bigger person, stand up to him, tell him u r better than him and u dont need to be treated like a piece of crap, wish him the best in life, and leave it at that. All the energy u r using to plot something on him could be used to meet someone alot more special. Let me know what happens girl!!!
Recommended Posts