Shokes97 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Okay so long story short is we were together for about a year. We started off good as do most relationships and truly loved one another. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and ended up becoming that needy/clingy guy. I didn't want to get help at the time. She never knew I had depression baring in mind. I've now took the time to recover however before this she said she loves me and that all she wants is time. If I give it to her she would get back with me. All her words. However ar the time I was needy beggy bought her gifts promise I'd change and I inevitably pushed her away to the point she said she doesn't love me and nothing will happen. Although I'm sure she said this out of anger... I know she has alot of family issues going on right now and I'm doing no contact (something I should of done a lot sooner). My question is do I have a good chance of getting her back?
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 No. I'm sorry but you don't have a chance to get her back. It's very hard to love somebody with an emotional illness. She can't handle it & doesn't want to. Leave her be.
Author Shokes97 Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 But she said that space will work so what makes you say that?
Author Shokes97 Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 No. I'm sorry but you don't have a chance to get her back. It's very hard to love somebody with an emotional illness. She can't handle it & doesn't want to. Leave her be. But she said that space will work so what makes you say that?
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Because "I need space" is a common white lie people say to let the other party down gently. 1
Author Shokes97 Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 Because "I need space" is a common white lie people say to let the other party down gently. I'm just in 2 minds as I think that but also she does have alot of emotional baggage rn with her parents divorcing, a family member was diagnosed with cancer. I feel like time could be exactly what she needs.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Anything is possible, but I wouldn't say you have a good chance of getting her back, no. She is evidently very annoyed with you which is often the kiss of death. Plenty of dumpers say they need space as a way of letting you down gently, without any sincere intention of getting back together. The only way you'll know if that's true is to let go of her and let go of the outcome. Keep working on getting yourself better. Move forward as though this is truly over now, so you will be in a healthier frame of mind no matter what happens in the future.
Author Shokes97 Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 Anything is possible, but I wouldn't say you have a good chance of getting her back, no. She is evidently very annoyed with you which is often the kiss of death. Plenty of dumpers say they need space as a way of letting you down gently, without any sincere intention of getting back together. The only way you'll know if that's true is to let go of her and let go of the outcome. Keep working on getting yourself better. Move forward as though this is truly over now, so you will be in a healthier frame of mind no matter what happens in the future. I guess your right all I can do is better myself. I just wish I better reacted when she broke up because she said herself if I give her a bit of time she'd definitely be with me. Blown that guess I just have to do me and pray.
mikeylo Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) Many times the dumpers voice their concerns , only for them to be ridiculed for it. When they finally have had it enough , the dumpee wakes up to mend it. NC can work either ways. It's a big gamble ! Edited February 19, 2017 by mikeylo
Author Shokes97 Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 Many times the dumpers voice their concerns , only for them to be ridiculed for it. When they finally have had it enough , the dumpee wakes up to mend it. NC can work either ways. It's a big gamble ! What should I do? I was going to go nc and maybe text in a few weeks to see how she's doing. What's your suggestion? Just let it play out?
Lostandconfused12 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 I'm just in 2 minds as I think that but also she does have alot of emotional baggage rn with her parents divorcing, a family member was diagnosed with cancer. I feel like time could be exactly what she needs. Honey she is saying that so that you leave her alone. You are adding to her emotional stress. You need to move on. Only when you completely move on will you ever seem attractive in her eyes. And I promise you by then, someone else will already see you as such. At that point you won't want to go back to pain. Even if that "someone else" is just yourself! What you need to realize is maybe part of your depression, was because of her.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 What should I do? I was going to go nc and maybe text in a few weeks to see how she's doing. What's your suggestion? Just let it play out? No, she doesn't want you to contact her. If she was pushed to the point of anger, hearing from you is only going to confirm she made the right choice ending it.
mikeylo Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 My wife and I fight. What has worked is -- a reasonable cooling time , to avoid lashing out that can't be taken back. Then sit and talk. And most importantly, resolve and never go to bed angry with each other. Since you are not married and not live together, say a day or two to calm down and then talk. Communication is the key to every relationship. There is nothing that can't be resolved by talking in the right way. Not lip service but real genuine issue resolving communication.
Author Shokes97 Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 I feel from most people's views and responses I should go nc and focus on myself and see if she reaches out?
mikeylo Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 I feel from most people's views and responses I should go nc and focus on myself and see if she reaches out? She will not reach out. You will have to be the one to reach out. Get your ***** together asap then show her. If she is a catch , I wouldn't expect her to be sitting alone for long. Once you are not there, she will start looking around. Don't take her for granted that she won't or can't move on.
Marc878 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 You chase they move farther away. Every dumpee on here does the same thing. Call, text, write long letters pouring their hearts out. All that does is make you look weak, needy and very unnattractive. I need space = I'm done and moving on. Learn from this and move on like she has. All the hanging onto a perceived sliver of hope will get you is a longer stay in limbo. Strength is attractive. Get some.
mikeylo Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 See, that's why I'm not a fan of NC to get an ex back. It usually backfires. It can be perceived in many different ways. It can be a sign of cowardness,that instead of facing and dealing the issues, you are choosing to hide away and hoping that the issue will go away on its own. It really comes down to the issue.
Marc878 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 See, that's why I'm not a fan of NC to get an ex back. It usually backfires. It can be perceived in many different ways. It can be a sign of cowardness,that instead of facing and dealing the issues, you are choosing to hide away and hoping that the issue will go away on its own. It really comes down to the issue. NC is not to get an X back. It's to move on. You can't make anyone do anything. Once someone dumps you that rarely changes. Chasing gets you nothing. 1
mikeylo Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 NC is not to get an X back. It's to move on. You can't make anyone do anything. Once someone dumps you that rarely changes. Chasing gets you nothing. I agree. OP is using NC to get her back. That's why I'm saying NC to get an ex back usually backfires. NC makes people move on.
Marc878 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 I agree. OP is using NC to get her back. That's why I'm saying NC to get an ex back usually backfires. NC makes people move on. Th only way so money comes back is if they want to. You can't make anyone do anything. NC sometimes has a way. Much like a child not wanting to play with a toy unless someone else wants it. But you are correct that is not its true purpose
Author Shokes97 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 Although hope can be a good thing, it can also be the root of any problem. Having false hope which inevitably delays the suffering or causes more. At the moment I am going nc for myself. To work on me but I can't seem to let go of the my ex. Thinking things will work out (door is open) but focusing on me and doing nc is not helping as I can't seem to lose hope. I know the relationship is over and a lot of people are going to suggest to being active, joining a gym etc but as of right now that's not the problem. I guess in essence what I am asking is how do you let go? How do you lose hope for your ex or for anything for that matter? I am currently going through severe depression and I just really want to work on me but for some reason I can't seem to fully let go. I just wanna be free and lose hope. If she then comes back then good. And if not then no worries. Can anyone guide me on how to stop thinking about my ex and just to let go freely and lose hope so I can fully focus on me and my recovery.
Author Shokes97 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 I'm not sure if any of that makes sense. Maybe it's just night time thoughts seeing as it's late where I am. I just really can't seem to let go. Fully let go and it's driving me insane. I want to lose hope on the thought of her coming back but I just can't?
Jimmyjackson Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I know how you feel, in my case it took an eye opener to make me fully accept it. I met my ex last weekend and she told me she still wasn't interested - 3 months post break up. Felt like I'd been dumped again and I felt worse as I'd finally accepted it but that is what got rid of hope on my end anyway. I'm not saying do something stupid like meet up with her like I did mind, if you can do it on your own great. When you have hope try and remember it doesn't matter what you think because your ex isn't interested, that should kill hope over time. If you drift into a day dream and you're with her, you're dreaming about what you hope will happen in the future; remind yourself what is really going on and bring yourself back to reality. You might cast your mind back to old memories and seek comfort in them, but then remember her face when she ended it or what she told you when it was done. Try your best to keep yourself in the moment is probably the best thing you can do. When you find yourself stuck in hope like we all do, ask yourself: What is actually happening right now?
Author Shokes97 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 I know how you feel, in my case it took an eye opener to make me fully accept it. I met my ex last weekend and she told me she still wasn't interested - 3 months post break up. Felt like I'd been dumped again and I felt worse as I'd finally accepted it but that is what got rid of hope on my end anyway. I'm not saying do something stupid like meet up with her like I did mind, if you can do it on your own great. When you have hope try and remember it doesn't matter what you think because your ex isn't interested, that should kill hope over time. If you drift into a day dream and you're with her, you're dreaming about what you hope will happen in the future; remind yourself what is really going on and bring yourself back to reality. You might cast your mind back to old memories and seek comfort in them, but then remember her face when she ended it or what she told you when it was done. Try your best to keep yourself in the moment is probably the best thing you can do. When you find yourself stuck in hope like we all do, ask yourself: What is actually happening right now? Thank you I felt like I needed that. And same I met with my ex last week (valentines to be exact, lmao) but for some strange reason (not in any way obsessive) I just can't lose hope. I'm going to do as you said and hopefully it will bring me to reality. It's confusing having the door left open but she followed her ex on social media again. Some days she's open and she told me how her parents are splitting up, her grandmother has cancer she has so much on to deal with this. But other times I feel like honestly she is just moving on with other guys or even her ex. In either or ways it shouldn't bother me and I've accepted and am doing nc it's just really confusing what to believe and I guess it's only normal to hope. I just wish I could fully let go so I can live and be normal again.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Can you think of anything you might do or think to yourself that might keep the hope alive? It may not even be a conscious thing, but if you can identify something, then you can try to change it. For example: you might read old love letters/texts, check her social media or emails, or have imaginary conversations or fantasies about her in your mind. These are just a few examples to consider. If you try to change those behaviors, like distracting yourself when you catch yourself daydreaming about her or blocking her social media, you are making a conscious decision to move on. Sometimes changing small things can start a chain reaction, but it is usually a process that takes time. It depends how much you really want to move on. Have a think about it, and see if there is anything you can start to change. Also, I'm sorry you are dealing with depression. I know it things can't be easy right now, but hang in there!
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