LowClouds Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Good evening, I came on this site to ask for advice regarding a situation I have found myself in. I am 28 years old, gf, no kids, male and work in NYC for a large law firm where we have several different departments. I became friends with a coworker in a different department. Now this was only friendship at work with casual texts, nothing inappropriate. We were friends for a bout 2 months when we ran in to each other while drinking and ended up having a one night stand. The next morning I talked to my coworker and apologized for what had happened. It was something that I didn't want to happen but owned up for my mistake. She understood but elaborated on how amazing of a person she thought I was and how she appreciated me letting her know. A few days go by and we text like normal, again nothing inappropriate. After about a week she sends me a text telling me how much she likes me and decides to list all my attributes. I tell her respectfully that I do not feel the same and do not want to be involved in any way. She tells me that she understands and we keep texting to a minimum as friends even though she would send an inappropriate text now and again. A couple of weeks go by and we still remain friends. One day I run in to a coworker that works in her same department. I would by lying if I told you that we didn't go out of our ways to bump in to each other. A few days go by and I decided to ask her out on a date. We hit it right off and continued to see each other. At the same time the coworker that I had a one night stand with keeps texting me inappropriately and I decided to tell her if she could stop texting me in that manner. I told her I was seeing "Lucy" from her department and I would appreciate it if she kept what happened between us. At that point she gets very upset and at this point starts playing the victim. I told her what I told her the night after it happened and didn't want to lead anyone on. She was very upset and left it alone. I continued to see "Lucy" and she started to tell me how the coworker I had a one night stand with was being rude towards her. I told "Lucy" that I think it has to do with me. I told "Lucy" that the coworker had something for me but I had told her no and now she is jealous. "Lucy" asked me if that was all that happened and I lied, I told her that it was only that. Fast forward 6 months, I am still with "Lucy" and it has been great. We have our arguements but we learn to get through them. "Lucy" and the other coworker are not on best of terms. They have a great amount of resentment towards each other that has escalated to extreme. A few days ago I get a text from that coworker that says she will be quitting soon due to a better job and will make ammends with "Lucy" on everything that has happened. She also said that she was going to tell "Lucy" of the reason why she started being rude and resenting her if she asks. I tried to get in contact with her through text/phone and it appears she has blocked me. Going over to the other department would be akward as "Lucy" would see me talking to the coworker. I really would like the coworker to leave us alone but do not know how to proceed.
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 This ONS co-worker says she's leaving the firm & will make amends to Lucy on her way out. Let her. Do prepare Lucy for the news that you had a ONS with this coworker before you & she got involved. If you work with lawyers you should have had a better understanding about lies & omissions. You are never obligated to volunteer information but when asked a direct Q you are obligated to tell the truth. When Lucy asked you if it was more than a crush you lied. At that point you should have disclosed the ONS & shown Lucy whatever message you had telling the co-worker thanks but no thanks. That is where you went wrong. Your only chance to salvage your relationship with Lucy is to tell her about the ONS before the departing co-worker does. Lucy will still be furious about the lie but there will be no hope at all if she hears about the ONS from the co-worker & not you.
preraph Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I don't advise this very often, but she's playing dirty. You might get lucky and your present girlfriend won't oblige your one-niter by having a conversation with her. Of course, she may just email her. Does this one-niter have texts or emails that are incriminating that she could show her? If so, be prepared to come clean, but minimize what really went on. Unless the evidence says "Oh, really enjoyed sex with you" or something totally incriminating, just say what happened about running into each other drunk and minimize it saying you kind of made out but it became obvious she was wanting more and you have had to tell her no repeatedly. If she says she said you had sex, tell her 'She TRIED to have sex with me, and I let her stay over and apologized the next morning, telling her that you were not interested in a relationship.' The likelihood is she'll say you had sex with her and then dumped her and that you'll do the same to her. Tell her it was a close drunk encounter and that she's been mad that you wouldn't date her ever since you told her no.
lionlover1973 Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Why at the time, did you believe lying to Lucy about your prior involvement with said co-worker, was a good idea? I told "Lucy" that the coworker had something for me but I had told her no and now she is jealous. That statement made it sound as though it was completely one-sided and purely innocent, when in fact, it was not (given you slept with the co-worker). You could have simply said you and the co-worked dated briefly and left it at that. If Lucy pressed on to know more, you could have explained your side. Now I fear, she is going to question your integrity when/if this unfolds. 2
Ieris Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 @LowClouds ~ The co-worker clearly wants to ruin things for you two so don't play into her hands by giving her a reaction. Don't contact her at all as she'll enjoy watching you squirm, so don't give her the satisfaction. I'm not sure whether the co-worker is bluffing or trying to scare you into jumping the gun. Either way, if you respect Lucy at all then you should come clean so you won't have this hanging over your head and the co-worker can't use this to threaten your relationship now or in the future. I think you'll stand a better chance of riding this out if Lucy hears this from you rather than the co-worker. Show her the text conversations, how she's been pestering you all this time despite you saying no. The co-worker was past tense before Lucy even came into the picture, so I can see why you glossed over the one night stand. You have your reasons for why you did it so just try to get Lucy to understand where you are coming from. Good luck!
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