Ele88 Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Based on conversations we have had in our relationship, their rel was unhealthy. She belittled him, was a "my way or the highway" type of gal and had anger issues. Nobody in his life liked her either. He called off their wedding last minute and tried to fix things after when continuing to date her. I think she then broke it off with him but Im not sure. He says he is ashamed he tried so hard for a girl like that and he was "under her spell" and feels more strongly for me. However, I found this letter dated 2 weeks before we met and started dating where he described her as his best friend, an amazing person and that he'd never stop loving her. And how he grew resentful and bitter of her negative qualities and it was his fault for focusing on that and not her positive attributes. He claims his feelings for her were gone once we started dating. Should I be worried? I feel if he has unresolved feelings, he will never admit it because he knows he would lose me.
Frozensushi Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 May I ask how you came across such a private and personal item? 1
Author Ele88 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 He left it in his cabinet (which I went into for other reasons that was not snooping) along with the wedding itinerary and many other wedding documents. His immediate response was "oh I thought I threw everything out" He also said he never goes into that cabinet.
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 How long between them breaking up and you 2 meeting/dating? 1
SevenCity Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Regardless of the timing I would not worry at all if the past 8 months have been good. Meeting a new girl can erase feelings for an ex. Which is why I so highly recommend it. 2
Author Ele88 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 Regardless of the timing I would not worry at all if the past 8 months have been good. Meeting a new girl can erase feelings for an ex. Which is why I so highly recommend it. See I dont agree. I feel like our rel has been a lie. In the beginning, he was still pining over his ex gf. Its dishonest to act into someone when you still have feelings (at least strong enough feelings to write love letters) to an ex.
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I agree with Seven City. If the 8 months he has been with you have been good & you have no other complaints, don't end this based on something he did before he met you. Granted at the time you met had you known that 14 days earlier he was penning love letters to an EX FI most of us would have warned you that you most likely were a rebound but that would have been us predicting the future. Nobody can do that. What you can do is look at his actions over the duration of the relationship. If he acted properly judge him & your ability to continue by that alone. Even if its' a bit of revisionist history, accept his claim that what he feels for you is stronger than what he felt for her. She sounds like they would have been a bad match.
olivetree Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I can totally see why you are concerned. An 8 month relationship pales in comparison to the attachment formed in a four year relationship, even if your relationship is "better." If he's writing a love letter to his ex fiance of four years just two weeks before you meet each other, it's hard to imagine he resolved his feelings for her in those two weeks. While some people might say that meeting someone new is the best way to get over someone else, I completely disagree. It's important to heal and move on before getting into another relationship. You can enter a new relationship with room to fully appreciate another person rather than baggage and unresolved feelings that causes one to constantly compare his/her current SO to his/her ex. So while you might actually be a better fit for him, if he has baggage he might not be able to fully appreciate that. How long were they broken up before you met? How has your relationship been? Were there any signs that he is not over the ex besides this note? Have you talked about your concerns about him possibly not being over her when you got together? 1
darkmoon Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 do not accuse him of anything, not if you want him to be happy with you, just both empty the wedding cupboard into the bin, take him at his word
Mrin Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 See I dont agree. I feel like our rel has been a lie. In the beginning, he was still pining over his ex gf. Its dishonest to act into someone when you still have feelings (at least strong enough feelings to write love letters) to an ex. Wow. I think you're grasping at straws and being very unreasonable. I was stuck on an ex and finally gave her the permanent goodbye one day before my GF of 2.5 years came into my life. Since the second date with my GF I haven't had a single feeling, at all, about my ex. Period. End of story. I've been 110% into and committed to my GF. Have there been any other signs or indications that he still harbors feelings for her in the last 8 months? 4
kendahke Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 If anyone can give me advice on the actual situation and not accuse me of voluntarily going through his stuff, Id appreciate it, as that is the reason I posted the question. Especially considering Im moving in with him soon. Advice: Don't move in with him. You're not ready for the notion that he had a life before you knew him. See I dont agree. I feel like our rel has been a lie. In the beginning, he was still pining over his ex gf. Its dishonest to act into someone when you still have feelings (at least strong enough feelings to write love letters) to an ex. It wasn't a lie. He tried to repair his relationship and subsequently decided it wasn't worth the effort, as he found someone new he'd rather start afresh with. If you want to break up, you don't need anyone's input. Do it if this bothers you that much and you feel your relationship is a lie. If those are your reasons, they are valid on their own merit.
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Wow. I think you're grasping at straws and being very unreasonable. I was stuck on an ex and finally gave her the permanent goodbye one day before my GF of 2.5 years came into my life. Since the second date with my GF I haven't had a single feeling, at all, about my ex. Period. End of story. I've been 110% into and committed to my GF. If it had not worked out with your current GF you would have gone back to mourning your previous GF. You did not experience feelings for your ex GF because current GF acted as a band-aid on your wound. Remove the band-aid and the bleeding starts over again. That is why it's important to let all wound heal first. 1
Mrin Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 If it had not worked out with your current GF you would have gone back to mourning your previous GF. You did not experience feelings for your ex GF because current GF acted as a band-aid on your wound. Remove the band-aid and the bleeding starts over again. That is why it's important to let all wound heal first. Possibly but I doubt it. Once I had met my GF I completely shut the chapter on my ex. But even if that were the case the fact that I fell in love with my GF is no less real (or a lie) because I was still nursing a wound when I met her? Absolutely not. I fell hard for my GF because she is quite simply the most amazing woman I've ever met.
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Possibly but I doubt it. Once I had met my GF I completely shut the chapter on my ex. But even if that were the case the fact that I fell in love with my GF is no less real (or a lie) because I was still nursing a wound when I met her? Absolutely not. I fell hard for my GF because she is quite simply the most amazing woman I've ever met. Your history is one of the few exceptions. It's well documented it's important to heal before dating again, especially a relationship of 4 years he had not found closure for.
Mrin Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Your history is one of the few exceptions. It's well documented it's important to heal before dating again, especially a relationship of 4 years he had not found closure for. Ok I'll buy that. But that being said what's done is done and I would strongly counsel the OP not to jump to rash conclusions or invalidate what she has simply over an unmailed letter written before she met her BF. It doesn't make it any less real. 1
basil67 Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 See I dont agree. I feel like our rel has been a lie. In the beginning, he was still pining over his ex gf. Its dishonest to act into someone when you still have feelings (at least strong enough feelings to write love letters) to an ex. Did you see him pining for her (in which case, there is no dishonesty) or are you assuming he was pining for her? If it's the latter, why do you not assume that after finding you he realised how stupid he was being about her and gave himself a kick up the rear end? 1
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 (edited) OP: I still want to know how long between their break up and you 2 meeting? There is more to this letter. Was it sent? How did she respond? Maybe her response gave him some type of closure. There are several steps to mourning a relationship and those steps come and go in different order. One day you think you are over it all and then suddenly you feel angry again, or sad, or depressed again. As you heal there is more time in between those phases coming back. Where I'd have a problem is when he says he loves you more. He is not being honest with himself. You cannot love more a relationship of 7 months than a relationship of 4 years with a woman you wanted to marry and whom you begged to come back to. I am not saying he is lying to you, but he is definitely lying to himself. Edited February 22, 2017 by Gaeta
Sweetfish Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Based on conversations we have had in our relationship, their rel was unhealthy. She belittled him, was a "my way or the highway" type of gal and had anger issues. Nobody in his life liked her either. He called off their wedding last minute and tried to fix things after when continuing to date her. I think she then broke it off with him but Im not sure. He says he is ashamed he tried so hard for a girl like that and he was "under her spell" and feels more strongly for me. However, I found this letter dated 2 weeks before we met and started dating where he described her as his best friend, an amazing person and that he'd never stop loving her. And how he grew resentful and bitter of her negative qualities and it was his fault for focusing on that and not her positive attributes. He claims his feelings for her were gone once we started dating. Should I be worried? I feel if he has unresolved feelings, he will never admit it because he knows he would lose me. I have a feeling this letter is not your problem...but a host of other things. Question? Are you trying to find a way out of the current relationship or had current or recent fights? The content seems to bother you more than that the letters existence. 1
SevenCity Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 See I dont agree. I feel like our rel has been a lie. In the beginning, he was still pining over his ex gf. Its dishonest to act into someone when you still have feelings (at least strong enough feelings to write love letters) to an ex. So the existence of this letter has completely negated your relationship of 8 months? I would understand you being upset if this was written while you were dating or more to the point exclusive. I don't know your bf, but I can speak from experience that you never fully get over someone you were really in love with. I don't think about any of my exes (sans the current) other than fleeting moments once in a blue. But when my recent ex left me I had nightmares about girls who had broken my heart before. One of which I had dated 25 years ago. But there was no love in my heart for anyone other than my ex while I was with her. If I meet a girl now who is just as compatible I will likely speed up the process to closure. It does not mean my love is less real for the new girl. I feel that you are using this letter as an excuse to leave him. Either that or your insecurities are getting the best of you. In either case, you would be a fool to leave him based solely on this letter.
Author Ele88 Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) Advice: Don't move in with him. You're not ready for the notion that he had a life before you knew him. It wasn't a lie. He tried to repair his relationship and subsequently decided it wasn't worth the effort, as he found someone new he'd rather start afresh with. If you want to break up, you don't need anyone's input. Do it if this bothers you that much and you feel your relationship is a lie. If those are your reasons, they are valid on their own merit. I have no idea how to quote multiple people so sorry if this seems disorganized. To this person, he called off the wedding but requested counseling to fix the issues before reconsidering marrying her. She refused counseling and he dated her for a bit after they called off the wedding. I have a hunch she then cut him off as he has made comments that "she wants nothing to do with him." So no, he didnt decide it wasnt worth the effort, she did. To the person who said Im "mad he had a life before me" that is not true, I have dated other guys who have been engaged or in very serious relationships. With them however, I felt they were over it or not bringing excessive baggage. He stopped dating her 4.5 months before he met me. He apparently was pretty depressed after they stopped dating. He now admits he was insane to feel this way after the way she treated him. He has been a great boyfriend in many ways and the first person I could see myself marrying Ive been with, but I do feel he is emotionally distant at times and does not always communicate well. He has gotten less distant over time. This is the first time Ive considered breaking up with him, so no Im not looking for a "way out." If I do break up with him, I will be extremely upset as he is the first Ive considered marrying but Im not sure his heart is fully in it. We had a long convo after I found the letter. He says he has no feelings for her and feels relieved he ended up not marrying her. He said he feels he has been waiting for someone like me his whole life. I wonder if he feels this way because I simply treat him so much better and have more in common but the feelings for her are not gone or the unresolved feelings from the situation. But he must have changed his mind about this while we dated if he isnt telling me what I want to hear, because he certainly didnt feel that way a few weeks before he met me according to this letter. I have not done any of the crap this woman did to him and he has not used he word "amazing" to describe me. He did not send the letter to her and said it was "cathartic" to get his feelings out, I doubt he got closure. To the person who said he was "lying to himself" its funny you say that, because he says he was "lying to himself" during their relationship as they got engaged due to her pressuring him (which he is not lying about, his friends have referenced it) and claims he didnt look forward to spending time with her and was terrified at the thought of her living with him and having children with her, which is odd he would write such a letter then. I dont agree you dont fully get over someone you have loved. I have two exes I loved and I am for sure over them. Now when I think of them, I am embarassed I ever put up with them or wonder why I was as fully into them as I was at the time even if I dont think theyre bad. Edited February 23, 2017 by Ele88
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 I dont agree you dont fully get over someone you have loved. I have two exes I loved and I am for sure over them. Now when I think of them, I am embarassed I ever put up with them or wonder why I was as fully into them as I was at the time even if I dont think theyre bad. Maybe it's his case as well and you should believe him when he says he can't believe all he puts up when with her. Is there any other reasons why you doubt he is not 100% emotionally involved with you? 4,5 months is a short time. He was still in depression from his break up when you met. Men are weird though, they most often jump from one relationship to another. They also tend to need a woman to get over another.
chix Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 May I ask how did you come to find the letter? Sorry if I overlooked it anywhere in the thread.
coolheadal Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 See I dont agree. I feel like our rel has been a lie. In the beginning, he was still pining over his ex gf. Its dishonest to act into someone when you still have feelings (at least strong enough feelings to write love letters) to an ex. I see where you coming from yes this can be true also. He's not into you 100% and your a stand-in so call girl friend. This happens not much you can do. This is something you have to figure out on your own because you didn't know how he really cared about his ex. Now you know and if you tolerate this you will never be happy knowing what he did and say. You read his private letter though so you know where his mindset is. Yes this is true what you said at the end. There is something else you haven't told us? How has he been around you so far? Are you truly happy with him or not?
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