DrunkenMonk Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We have both fallen deeply in love and actively admit to that, even as we are broken up... Anyway, during the course of our relationship I have had troubles with smoking pot and then lying to my girlfriend about it becuase I know she doesnt want me to. Anyway, she dumped me because she felt she cant trust me and needed to get over my previous mistakes to be happy again. Yes, I love her and I dont blame her, I did make mistakes be breaking her trust, even though it was always in the intention of pleasing her... not to cheat her out of something, but rather to be the clean person that she wants me to be. Anyway, we are broken up, and I cant stop thinking about her/emailing her/calling her, and today I found out that a guy that she has been hanging out with has been hitting on her, and out comes the jealous beast inside of me. It wouldnt bother me so much, but she is going to a concert in a nearby town with him and her sister and her boyfriend, and they will stay the night at some OTHER guy's house in this nearby town. I come to her and explain my worries, and she only gets mad at me for worrying about her, becuase she doesnt want that to be in our relationship anymore. So anyway I start feeling like a controlling ****, and eventually I just say... I cant keep loving you this much because it is torture to be away from you like this. After which she gets extremely upset and tells me that she loves me and cares about me and doesnt want me to move on... yet she still doesnt want to be with me. Right now im feeling very used... I feel like there is this security that she has, of me always being there for her, because I tell her how much I love her and I could never be with anyone else as long as I still have a chance with her, yet she deprives me of the same security by not being with me and trying to distance herself from me... I dont want to give up on her, I really dont, but this pain of me waiting for someone who is going out and having fun with other guys is becoming unbearable. I know that in the long run and stick it out and end up with her again ill be happy that I stuck to my guns, but untill then Im in a perpetual state of uncertainty... If I knew that she was going to move on anyway, I could rationalize and start the healing process, but right now it just feels like there is this open wound in my body, and ive got to choose to let my body heal and move on, or if I should wait for the piece of flesh that is missing to come back before it gets grabbed by another person... (sorry for the kind of morbid metaphor, but it works )
SilentLucidity Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 I say that you should probably start to heal yourself. I think it is incredibly selfish of her, no matter how much confusion she may be in, to tell you that she doesn't want you to move on yet she doesn't want to be with you. Her distancing herself is enough of a red flag for me to say that you should start the healing process. You do not want to be the man waiting around in the wings, watching your ex getting on with her life, while you're kept like some mushroom in the dark waiting for the light to come through. So tell her your intentions and tell her that you can not wait for someone to make up their mind to be with you. I think people that put people through this are extremely selfish. If she truly wanted something she would be sticking around and working around the clock to move mountains to work out the differences. You deserve more. As for your pot smoking habit, you may want to get some help with that. Or you could stop on your own. It is all in the mind. Goodluck to you.
Author DrunkenMonk Posted July 24, 2005 Author Posted July 24, 2005 Thanks for the advice. Its still hard to just forget about the person who you were going to marry and have children with and live happily ever after, ect. ect.
SoleMate Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 I don't agree that it's time for you to move on. If you truly have been planning for years to be each other's lifelong partners, then this should be viewed as a squabble, IMO. Monk, if you want her back, you can have her. All you have to do is get off marijuana and STAY off. AND manage to control your jealousy during the time you are egtting sober. That is the relatively small pricetag for a life of love with the person who meets your needs. If your exgf says she doesn't want you to move, that can be viewed two ways: 1) she wants to control you even when out of the r/s, or 2) she's not REALLY moving on herself either, and hopes you two can get back together. Another poster think's it's option 1. I believe differently. Please do keep in mind that you have made a lot of withdrawals from your account in her Love Bank (Google for "marriage builders" to understand this). What is happening now is not "payback", but I believe it is the logical consequence of the ongoing drug use and lies that you have made the mistake of doing. If you don't want to give up, THEN DON'T! Maybe six months down the road it will be time to write this r/s off. For now, I recommend you do what you need to do, which is get off the reefers, stay off, join a support group or SOMETHING structured to help you maintain sobriety, and let her know that you have learned your lesson, and are getting sober. I wouldn't even ask for her back at this juncture. Be strong, get clean, but don't go NC. Stay in light contact, and I believe the chances are very good that she will have a bit of fun and then come back to the new, sober you. Life is suffering, but there may be some pleasure too.
Author DrunkenMonk Posted July 27, 2005 Author Posted July 27, 2005 Thanks alot for the advice, it is helping me put everything in perspective. One thing is for sure, Im getting off the "reefers".
laRubiaBonita Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by DrunkenMonk Im getting off the "reefers". But for how long THIS time? when will you start back again? Haven't you stopped before? or at least told her that you had.
Author DrunkenMonk Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 This time its for good. I cant eat cause I have grown used to having the pot make me hungry, but it feels good to remember stuff again! It is for myself... about 50% of it is anyway Anyway, the situation hasn't changed much. I still think about her nonstop. Ive been reading some of the other breakup forums about how just not caring about it is a good idea, because it takes the pressure off both parties... and god help me Im trying to just not care... And I do sometimes. But that only last for about 5 min and then I just go back to being depressed and feeling like she is the only thing in the world to me. Im only 19, almost 20, and I hope this is just me being naive, but I have been in long term relationships before and I know its not just me getting caught up with my first real relationship or whatever. I feel like there is so much more to this and if I let her slip through my fingers I will never forgive myself. Hows that for not caring? Geeze its so hard. I know... I do know that me giving her space right now is probably the best idea for me, but I just cant stop thinking about her and the only thing that makes me feel good right now is to hear her voice, or even email her. She is mad at me for always contacting her, and I guess I can understand why. I just want to prove to her that Im a differant person before its too late. I need advice badly. Should I not let this last opportunity to keep her pass me by? Guys she is the greatest girl I have ever met. She is insanely smart and funny and beautifull and every single girl that I try to look at and make me forget about her makes me want her that much more. I have never met a girl as intelligent as her in my life, and I just dont want to loose my one chance at my dream girl. But if not caring is the best thing to do right now, I really need some advice on being able to sleep/eat/be happy without her on my mind, because I am completely falling apart. Just give me some techniques on easing my mind without pissing her off because I feel like no matter what I do im ****ing things up! I just emailed her, and now I feel guilty as hell for doing so, because I just talked to her last night I am freaking out... someone older and wiser please bestow upon me some sagely wisdom. And remember she isnt just some girl, shes the only girl in the world to me, so before you reply think about the one that you love with all of your heart and try and put yourself in my shoes. Thanks a million, this is free therapy and its getting me through one of the hardest times in my life. Solemate please reply to this, I feel like you really understand me and my situation more than anyone else so far
Author DrunkenMonk Posted August 8, 2005 Author Posted August 8, 2005 well I am a little displeased at the lack of advice, but I guess it is a little much to ask to have someone listen and analyze someone else's relationship drama... the worst kind of drama Just a little update though... SHE STILL LOVES ME! omg I wanna shout it to everyone I know. I want to run into a library and scream it! It feels so good. Things arnt 100% quite yet because we still have some work to do on both ourselves and our relationship, but things have taken a HUGE step in the right direction. We both acknowledge that we only want each other, and thats all the ****ing matters right now! God Im so happy. We are going to have to take it slow because there is still pain from previous things that we are going to deal with, but god it feels so good to just know that she is still there. We are calling it just taking a break so that we can both grow up and so forth, because overall this has been a positive experience for me and has really allowed me to put things in perspective and learn alot about myself on the way, but we love each other and thats all that matters in this INSANE ****ing world we live in. I love this person... She is the absolute beauty of my life... She is the most amazing thing that has ever happend to me and I knew that I wouldnt give that up without a fight.
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