Should I just give up on this guy? Is he interested?

[misty15]

Hi all

 

So I met this guy roughly around 3 months ago off OLD. He lives 3 hours away from me so that is a bit of a problem but we have caught up multiple times. He works 1 week on, 1 week off roster and have been seeing each other most weeks he is off sometimes every second and spent a few days together at a time. There is an age difference I am 33 he is 27. There was alot of texting when I first met him but now not so much and he is not one to talk on the phone but we have good convo when we do see each other. We have had sex quite a few times and it has been good. The last text i got was him saying "I want to see you" when he was working. That was a few days ago now. I sent him a text yesterday and haven't heard anything but I know he is travelling home from work but i guess it still doesn't take much to text someone...

 

He told me he is suffering from a bit of depression and I'm not sure if that is why he sometimes takes a while to respond to texts not all the time but sometimes. My friends say he must be interested if he is driving 3 hours to see me but I'm not sure. Im looking to relocate to his area later in the year. It's really driving me nuts because I like him alot and enjoy spending time with him. He is the first guy to ever really make an effort with me that I've met through OLD and I've been on there for AGES.

 

Im still on OLD myself looking but just not that interested in other guys at the moment because of him. I still do go out to bars when I can but i live in a kind of small town where everyone is really young like early 20's or way too old for me, no one around my age it's so frustrating.

 

What does everyone think? Is this guy losing interest in me because I'm so far away. I do like the possibility of a relationship with him but I'm not sure if he's looking for that with me. I definitely dont want to make the same mistake i did with another guy almost a year ago who i was seeing for a month who lived in my area. When i mentioned to this guy "where is this going?" He ran a mile haha. Don't want to do that again....

[Redhead14]

Hi all

 

So I met this guy roughly around 3 months ago off OLD. He lives 3 hours away from me so that is a bit of a problem but we have caught up multiple times. He works 1 week on, 1 week off roster and have been seeing each other most weeks he is off sometimes every second and spent a few days together at a time. There is an age difference I am 33 he is 27. There was alot of texting when I first met him but now not so much and he is not one to talk on the phone but we have good convo when we do see each other. We have had sex quite a few times and it has been good. The last text i got was him saying "I want to see you" when he was working. That was a few days ago now. I sent him a text yesterday and haven't heard anything but I know he is travelling home from work but i guess it still doesn't take much to text someone...

 

He told me he is suffering from a bit of depression and I'm not sure if that is why he sometimes takes a while to respond to texts not all the time but sometimes. My friends say he must be interested if he is driving 3 hours to see me but I'm not sure. Im looking to relocate to his area later in the year. It's really driving me nuts because I like him alot and enjoy spending time with him. He is the first guy to ever really make an effort with me that I've met through OLD and I've been on there for AGES.

 

Im still on OLD myself looking but just not that interested in other guys at the moment because of him. I still do go out to bars when I can but i live in a kind of small town where everyone is really young like early 20's or way too old for me, no one around my age it's so frustrating.

 

What does everyone think? Is this guy losing interest in me because I'm so far away. I do like the possibility of a relationship with him but I'm not sure if he's looking for that with me. I definitely dont want to make the same mistake i did with another guy almost a year ago who i was seeing for a month who lived in my area. When i mentioned to this guy "where is this going?" He ran a mile haha. Don't want to do that again....

 

He told me he is suffering from a bit of depression -- It's a pre-emptive disclaimer -- I'm suffering from depression, so don't expect much from me.

 

There is nothing wrong with opening a conversation very early in a new dating scenario to see if the pair is on the same page in terms of overall dating goals -- both dating for the purpose of developing a relationship with someone or casually dating, etc. You simply make a statement about what you are looking for for yourself and if they say they are looking for the same thing, you sit back and observe whether they date you that way.

 

Distance creates a little bit of a hurdle for "proper" dating to happen, so you need to tread lightly.

 

I am always a little suspicious of men/women who date with quite a bit of distance. Oftentimes, the distance provides cover -- I already have a girlfriend, and I want a side piece and I don't have to worry so much about getting caught.

 

And, sure, if you ask that question within a month of dating someone, you might well put them off. So at a month, it's just about finding out what each other's goals are. At one month, you wouldn't know for sure whether it would be with each other, but at the overall goal is common ground.

 

But, after three months and including intimacy, you are well within your right and responsibility to yourself to get clarity about this situation. You need to open a conversation with him because if you don't and continue to operate this way, you may end up stringing yourself along for a long time. The fact is that asking for/seeking clarity won't "scare" him away. The answer/response doesn't change because you asked, the answer/response is is what it is/will be.

[Miss Spider]

First, I agree with redhead14. I've come to believe people who contact you from far distances( over an hour to be liberal)usually are not looking for real bf gf type commitment, whether consciously or subconsciously. This is primary because distance sort of forces a casual-type situation. A guy looking for a serious R, unless his pickings are very slim, will try to stick to people closer. LDR is a huge hurdle, and yes, can very often cause people to lose interest/wonder if its worth it if they are not REALLY interested.

 

 

It sounds like you are getting a gut feeling he doesn't have intentions to progress this. Don't ignore that.

 

If a guy runs when you ask him "where is this going?" then you've done yourself a favor. You think you scared off a potential bf, but you only got rid of a guy who had no intention of being your bf. Long ago, I asked a guy on the 2nd date "where is this going?" Lol red flag to some maybebut He said it's too early to know yet (basically telling me he wasn't sure about me)but so far so good and he's not seeing anyone else. He continued to plan dates with me. Don't worry about scaring off men who 1) are interested in you 2) are interested in a possible relationship, especially 3 months in. Good luck !

Edited February 22, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[angel.eyes]

I agree with the other two posters.

 

A few other questions for you:

 

• Are you at the same life stage? Usually, in your early thirties you're looking for a potential partner with whom you can settle down. A lot of people in their twenties are still just dating for dating's sake.
  
• Do you know what he's looking for out of dating? Why was he on OLD? Are you on the same page?
  
• Since you're still out there looking, I take it you aren't exclusive? Three months in, that would be a red flag for me personally.
  

 

So too is the fact that he's looking to date someone (you) 3 hours away.That immediately sends my antennae up. Does he live in rural Podunk, where there are more cows than people? Why is he searching three hours away? What reason has he given for casting such a wide net?

 

It's difficult to know where he stands. You need to have a conversation with him to figure out if you're on the same page. Trust your intuition and observe whether his actions line up with his words.

 

As for his periodic silences and slow responses, my guess is he's out dating women who are local, and can't always respond. If you aren't exclusive, it's well within reason to look for a more convenient arrangement--i.e. trying to find someone local.

[Ronnys93]

I think it's unfair to assume that he scouted her and is seeking her because she is 3 hours away. Sometimes people catch our eye and they end up being further from us than we'd like. Is it an ideal situation? Not always, but I just think it's a bit presumptuous to say it's suspect that he's chatting with her because she's 3 hours away. He IS making the effort to actually visit the OP. Yes, it is a good idea to find out WHY he is pursuing you but you need to ask that in person. Texting unfortunately is not going to be a good indicator in his "interest" in you unless he completely stops texting you cold turkey. I would hold off on the moving closer thoughts until you can speak in person again and see how he's really doing.

[GoldSparkz]

It was only yesterday that you reached out to him so it could be that he missed the text, didn't receive it or is about to message you back. I would wait another day or so and see whether he replies.

 

However, I get the impression that you're worrying because the level of contact between the two of you is winding down and you feel like he's pulling away...could this be after you began having sex?

 

Also, you mention the two of you have now been dating for 3 months. I find this is usually the time period when you begin to see the real person as the wooing period is now over...especially as you are now intimate. The guy sometimes feels as though there is no need to chase as he already has the benefit of a companion who is providing him with sex. Even if he has to drive for 3 hours to get it. Sorry if I'm sounding too blunt.

 

So I would be weary about his actions going forward. Is he still responsive after you message him? Is he still making the effort to come and see you? Is he talking about a future with you? Is he cuddling you after sex?

[angel.eyes]

I think it's unfair to assume that he scouted her and is seeking her because she is 3 hours away. Sometimes people catch our eye and they end up being further from us than we'd like.

 

Distance is one of the key parameters you set in OLD! Most people set it at an hour or less. He had to have set his to at least three hours in order for the OP to show up in his net! Basically he's looking for a long-distance relationship when he does that. There are very few legitimate reasons that would make starting an LDR with a complete stranger a better option than a dating someone locally. It behooves her to understand why he is purposely looking for an LDR.

[smackie9]

Just have a conversation with him to clarify your expectations and get some answers from him. It's that simple.

 

You only complicate things by letting yourself and other "assume" or put suggestions out there as to what he is thinking.

[Ronnys93]

Distance is one of the key parameters you set in OLD! Most people set it at an hour or less. He had to have set his to at least three hours in order for the OP to show up in his net! Basically he's looking for a long-distance relationship when he does that. There are very few legitimate reasons that would make starting an LDR with a complete stranger a better option than a dating someone locally. It behooves her to understand why he is purposely looking for an LDR.

 

This is not exactly completely true for all OLD parameters though. For instance, POF will eventually show you people way out of your "zone" if you exhaust much of the options near you. And by exhaust I simply mean choosing to press "Yes" or "no" for their Meet Me selection. Like I said in my original post, it's unfair to assume that this person was purposely seeking someone further away.

 

(not trying to hijack the thread) In my instance, the guy that I'm dating now happens to be 10 hours away. The name of his city struck me as a city that I thought was in Arkansas not even an hour from me, but he happened to be in Texas and 10 hours away. I didn't find out until much later, but we're both currently happy and hit it off regardless of our circumstance. Things happen, and we have no clue the geographical locations of either the OP or her SO to gauge how populated their cities are with good matches for OLD.

 

Something that comes to mind is that texting does seem to slow down as two people become closer. The need for that kind of text messaging lessens. Now obviously, there is distance here so it doesn't make for a good situation, but because they've already been intimate and are a few months along into the relationship he could just be lessening contact because he doesn't feel he needs to work all that much to keep your interest.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Ronnys93