Make-A-Difference Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Hey all, This ones been confusing me for a few days and would appreciate external insight. New house mate moved in during the summer. We become friends. I was seeing other girls at the time. During one of the dates realised I would prefer if it was her here. Once I realised this told her, she felt the same and we started dating January. Been on some awesome dates. Spent a lot of time together. Lots of kissing and cuddling. Pretty much concluded this is the one for me. Last date was a big one, ended up in my bed sleeping together but not having sex until the morning sober. Best sex ever! Pretty certain all parties were pleased. Then... the following week she was ill with a cold so not much interaction. . (Senced something bad was about to happen!) Sunday the text! Hey do you mind meeting me in town there something we need to talk about... Following some small talk this is literally the whole conversation: She said it felt strange afterwards. Been quiet for the past week thinking about it. Wanted to know if we could return to friends. I asked. Do you still fancy me? She said yes. I told her that I really liked her and that I would respect her choice. (At this point thought she was about to cry) We then walked home. So I've kept things quiet since then while I make sence of WTF just happened. My feeling on the subject is she's got scared on how serious it was getting. Or Sex was terrible or she's gone off me Or... ??? Hopefully this is where you guys come in. Obviously I would like us to stay dating and feel the space might help. What else could I do? Already gym 6 days a week so thankfully have that to take my mind of s**t.
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 I don't think you're going to know because whatever it is, she's too uncomfortable to say. She may just have had an "off" feeling about the sex without you being able to do anything about that. She may have just decided after the sex that this wasn't what she wanted after all. Or she may have wanted you JUST for sex, though with the interaction you describe beforehand and the buildup it doesn't sound like it. But that's another possibility nevertheless. She may have met someone else. It could literally be anything. I am really sorry. Unless this is something that happens often it's more likely it's something internal for her, her own decision, something you can't change; than that it might be something you "did" (or didn't do). Really sorry about this. 1
BeingBlunt Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 I would probably just leave her alone at this point. Something must of happened before/during/after sex that made her change her mind about dating. Personally, I think it would be a bad choice to continue to chase after her, especially if she's a housemate. The ball is in her court so let her play. Do not engage because if she is interested in continuing in this relationship, she will chase. Until then, give her space. 1
SevenCity Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 You, not anyone here, will have any idea what's in her head but her. She could have freaked out after the sex for a variety of reasons. I doubt it was because she didn't enjoy it. If she liked you it wouldn't have made much of a difference unless you did something really strange lol. But you don't want to be friends with her and trying to keep the friendship will be a farce. It won't work. My advice would be to tell her you're not interested in friendship and to call you if she changes her mind. Seriously, how will you feel if she starts dating another dude? You gonna be cool with hearing how great he is? 1
coolheadal Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Never ask them if they still like you (fancy you). If they didn't they would have just got up and left. You tell us what happen you were there? Sounds like she's not ready to commit to anything serious than what you want out this. If you want more and shes not into it then you put her the side and move on to the next option which would be another girl. Today you have to have options. No need to try to figure out why she acting like this but most likely she's not ready. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 (edited) You know the drill...Pull back..a lot. Any explanations from us of why she downgraded you to friend will be pure speculation, but the bottom line is she downgraded to friends. Back off and see if she where she goes from here. Edited February 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
Mrin Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Snarky Answer: Ok, I want you to close your eyes and picture this. Think back to school. Think of what a classroom is like full of students just before the teacher or professor walks in. Think of the din of voices all talking away in an almost infinite number of distinct conversations. If we men could listen in, this is how the mind of a woman is right after she's been in a very vulnerable situation. Not just physically - by having sex. But emotionally, by sharing intimacy and letting her feelings develop by dropping her guard. Dude, there is so much going on there that we men have no chance of understanding. I don't mean it in a derogatory way at all - quite the contrary. She's analyzing and projecting things that we can't even comprehend. She's a super computer, you're a calculator from the 70's. So who knows what really happened. All you can do it play the hand you're dealt and base your actions off what she shares with you. The way I see it, you have two productive choices: 1. Disengage: Just pull back and slowly move her to the periphery of your friend zone. She'll probably either go willingly into oblivion or get desperate for your attention and call you after having some "ah ha" moment. As nice as that sounds, "landing" a woman because she fears losing you is no way to start a fulfilling relationship. So I'd only do this if you can't handle the idea of just being friends and seeing her go off and date other guys. 2. Be Steady Eddie: if you have the intestinal fortitude for this just go back to being a rock steady friend to her. Don't mention other women you're dating. Just be there, nice and steady. Two things will probably happen: 1) she'll go back to being your friend or 2) given your rock steady presence will allow her to confront and deal with the cacophony of conflicting emotions and fears and then surrender into her feelings for you. You have to be okay with both results. If you're not, then go option 1. Best of luck dude! Mrin 1
Sweetfish Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Hey all, This ones been confusing me for a few days and would appreciate external insight. New house mate moved in during the summer. We become friends. I was seeing other girls at the time. During one of the dates realised I would prefer if it was her here. Once I realised this told her, she felt the same and we started dating January. Been on some awesome dates. Spent a lot of time together. Lots of kissing and cuddling. Pretty much concluded this is the one for me. Last date was a big one, ended up in my bed sleeping together but not having sex until the morning sober. Best sex ever! Pretty certain all parties were pleased. Then... the following week she was ill with a cold so not much interaction. . (Senced something bad was about to happen!) Sunday the text! Hey do you mind meeting me in town there something we need to talk about... Following some small talk this is literally the whole conversation: She said it felt strange afterwards. Been quiet for the past week thinking about it. Wanted to know if we could return to friends. I asked. Do you still fancy me? She said yes. I told her that I really liked her and that I would respect her choice. (At this point thought she was about to cry) We then walked home. So I've kept things quiet since then while I make sence of WTF just happened. My feeling on the subject is she's got scared on how serious it was getting. Or Sex was terrible or she's gone off me Or... ??? Hopefully this is where you guys come in. Obviously I would like us to stay dating and feel the space might help. What else could I do? Already gym 6 days a week so thankfully have that to take my mind of s**t. She regrets having sex... 2
Miss Spider Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 She regrets having sex... This is the impression I got too. If I had to guess I'd say she's feeling insecure about the sex and where you all stand. ..but yeah, just speculation 2
preraph Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 When one person thinks the sex was the best thing ever, that often can mean the other person was doing all the work. So ponder that. But it could just be she lost that lovin feeling and now it's gone, gone, gone. Me and one of my bfs had broken up and then got back together. I had found out he was dating someone else. He was all acting like he loved me and stuff, but we had not had any kind of "exclusive" talk because he was still going through a divorce, so it seemed ridiculous to try to pretend to be exclusive. Then I wasn't happy because I lost trust of him because I didn't understand why someone would act all loving but then be dating someone else too. That's when I learned that men are in love with sex and women are in love with love. So we got back together, but my feeling of joy and surrender would never return. That night when I realized it would never be the same again, we had sex and he later said it was his favorite night -- and I had to tell him that yes, it was good sex, but that my feelings for him were ruined because of what had happened before. He was very confused about it. It's about what goes on inside a woman's head. She has to be all in up in her head, not just in bed. 2
Author Make-A-Difference Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 Hey guys, Thank you I've found all the answers benificial! It really helps seeing this from different perspectives. I still want to date this girl and from the sounds of it my best chances are to back off or become a "steady Eddy" (Mrin). I agree she's the only one with the answers so everything else is just speculation. This said I want really want to talk with her and see where I stand and if there's a chance of dating again. This way if she says no chance, I can draw the line and move on. The problem is this direct approach may not be the best option. So my question is, for my best chance: 1. Do we sit down again for another chat. (If so how long do I wait before approaching) Or 2. Pull back, be the "Steady Eddy" and wait for her to change the dynamic again, if ever. At the same time open myself up to dating again (however given the way I feel this might be awhile) Thanks again, I appreciate all the advice.
Sweetfish Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Hey guys, Thank you I've found all the answers benificial! It really helps seeing this from different perspectives. I still want to date this girl and from the sounds of it my best chances are to back off or become a "steady Eddy" (Mrin). I agree she's the only one with the answers so everything else is just speculation. This said I want really want to talk with her and see where I stand and if there's a chance of dating again. This way if she says no chance, I can draw the line and move on. The problem is this direct approach may not be the best option. So my question is, for my best chance: 1. Do we sit down again for another chat. (If so how long do I wait before approaching) Or 2. Pull back, be the "Steady Eddy" and wait for her to change the dynamic again, if ever. At the same time open myself up to dating again (however given the way I feel this might be awhile) Thanks again, I appreciate all the advice. I would not pull back...if you like this girl... I would text her a good morning text and very simple honest compliment and than pull back. Thats it... keep it simple 1
GoldSparkz Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Whatever you choose, tread carefully because you have to live with this girl. If things ended up getting complicated, then one of you may feel the need to move out. I understand you really like her, but I agree with the suggestions that she regretted having sex, possibly for the above reason and doesn't want the situation to become any more awkward. I would just tread carefully whatever you do. 1
mikeylo Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 Do anything but play mind games. Usually back fire and to recover from them takes much more effort and time. 1
Author Make-A-Difference Posted February 26, 2017 Author Posted February 26, 2017 Hey guys I want to thank everyone who replied to this tread for taking the time and effort in helping me. Really appreciate it. This is the update and final conclusion to this chapter: So we went back to spending time together and again we were getting close. So pretty much a week after her 'I want us to return to friends' I ask her to meet me for a chat. This time we properly talked and said that she really liked me which is why she wanted to give 'us' a chance but it didn't feel right. What ever this feeling is I kind of understand it. You can't force feelings. So unfortunately for me this is where the chapter ends. It didn't work out, god knows why. Not much I can do but move on. I know from experience, that even at this point feeling as low as I do there will always be other girls. To anyone in the future that's has a similar situation, my advice would be wait and week and then have another talk like I did. You've both had time to reflect on what's happened and the talk will help with closure. The best benefit is that you get to move on and put it behind you. I'm happy we shared the experiences we did and with closer I can go back to being friends. Thank you all xx 2
Miss Spider Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 Sorry to hear what happened, but you handled it admirably well. All we can do is move on and appreciate the good experiences
TheTraveler Posted February 26, 2017 Posted February 26, 2017 To anyone in the future that's has a similar situation, my advice would be wait and week and then have another talk like I did. You've both had time to reflect on what's happened and the talk will help with closure. The best benefit is that you get to move on and put it behind you. Nope. There's no point in doing this. You already had this talk when you met up with her a week ago in town and she wanted to be friends. That's when you disappear
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