Roger1201 Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 (edited) Hello, this is my first post. Joining the community because I am just so confused about what to do, but this is my situation. Me and my ex had been together for 3 years before we broke up in the beginning of this school year, we were both starting college and going to different schools. Without going into too much detail about the breakup I now see that it ultimately had to happen because we were both too immature to make it last. However, we were eachother first loves and first everything's, and we were truly in love. At the time it was one sided. She left for school after we both agreed that we would stay together for college, but she almost immediately lost interest in the relationship and decided to break up with me in the first month. I was absolutely heartbroken but she was just too occupied with all her new friends and new experiences at college to really care, which really hurt me. Fast forward to Christmas break. We had been going with almost no contact since the breakup occurred in the beginning of October, I was beginning to get over it but I was still very upset about the way things had ended. Well, she decided to get back in touch with me and wanted to meet up. I at first hesitated as I was still hurt by her actions and was trying to get over her, but I decided that I would give her a chance because I was curious how she was doing and where her mind was at. We met up to go for a walk as we often did while we were dating and I could almost immediately tell that she was upset about something. We talked the whole day and she told me that she was sorry about the way things ended and that she missed me. Not neccissarily that she wanted to start dating again but she just said she missed me. Well I said it was ok and that the break up had to happen one way or another so I agreed to meet with her again. This went on for about a month and a half, we would get together and hangout but with each time we did this it felt more and more like we were dating. It advanced from going for walks and grabbing coffee to watching movies together and going on lunch dates. The one thing that had never changed though, is my feelings for her. I still wanted to get back together, and thought we could make it work again even better than it had in the past Well this all lead up to the events of 2 nights ago. She came home for the weekend and so did I. We had plans to hangout, but I was getting ready to give her an ultimatum. We can either get back together or end this weird relationship we were having because it felt like we were more than friends but less than dating. Well we met up, got breakfast together and hangout on Saturday but I didn't feel ready to give her the ultimatum. Sunday we met up and was plan I g to lay the big decision on her but... The night ended up going much differently than I expected. I went over her house and we started watching a movie together. Well we started cuddling during the movie amd then one thing lead to another and we were making out and we ended up hooking up. I was so confused after, I had to tell her exactly how I was feeling. As much as I wanted to keep things going and hook up with her again I just couldn't get the feelings I had for her out of my head. So I told her how I felt and asked if we could get back together. We ended up talking for almost the whole night, and she told me that she still had feelings for me but didn't feel ready to be in a relationship again. As much as it hurt me to do it I told her I couldn't just wait around for her to be ready because it was holding me back from moving on because she couldn't tell me how long it would take. I did tell her that if she ever changed her mind mind that I would be ready to talk to her again. I think that I made the right choice but I'm not completely certain. I'm really upset right now (it was 2 days ago) and fee like I'm going through a breakup again even though we never really were dating again. I want to text her and see how she's doing but I k ow it wouldn't be right. Please help me out friends Thank you I apologize for the typos, typed this on my phone Edited February 21, 2017 by Roger1201
Zahara Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 We ended up talking for almost the whole night, and she told me that she still had feelings for me but didn't feel ready to be in a relationship again. As much as it hurt me to do it I told her I couldn't just wait around for her to be ready because it was holding me back from moving on You made the right choice. You both want different things. Don't text her. Remain NC. She's been clear as to where she is and you know what you truly desire. Staying in contact will only hurt you even more. She knows how to find you if/when she wants you. 1
dumbass2 Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 If you keep in contact you will only be her FWB. She did tell you and her actions show she does not want a relationship with you and that is what you want. Keep in contact and continue to be hurt and confused or let her go. If she comes back months or years down the road you can see where you're at at that time. She knows how you feel and of course she still likes you, but if she continues to talk or have sex with you it will be on her terms. 1
Author Roger1201 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 Thank you for your replies. I do understand that what I did was for the best but I am having difficulty coming to terms with it because I do not fully understand why she won't get back together. She knows and agrees that We have both grown up a lot in the time that we were apart(in a way that would allow us to have a healthier relationship), she made it very clear in what she said and did that she still has strong feelings for me, and she was extremely upset about me saying that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore, she wanted me to stay so badly. Yet, she still can not commit to being in a full on relationship. I just don't understand what she feels like she'll be missing if we were together again. She made it abundantly clear that she didn't have any interest in being with anyone else, just that she wanted to be single but somehow still likes me.
Zahara Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Thank you for your replies. I do understand that what I did was for the best but I am having difficulty coming to terms with it because I do not fully understand why she won't get back together. She knows and agrees that We have both grown up a lot in the time that we were apart(in a way that would allow us to have a healthier relationship), she made it very clear in what she said and did that she still has strong feelings for me, and she was extremely upset about me saying that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore, she wanted me to stay so badly. Yet, she still can not commit to being in a full on relationship. I just don't understand what she feels like she'll be missing if we were together again. She made it abundantly clear that she didn't have any interest in being with anyone else, just that she wanted to be single but somehow still likes me. It's not for you to understand but to accept. Often times we project our own feelings and desires onto someone else and expect them to be on the same track. She may feel and think all those things but it may not be enough for her to want to commit. And who knows, she may even just be saying those things to appease you, protect your feelings, or feed you words you want to hear. This is why it's best not to try and understand but accept that she does not want to be in a relationship. That's all you need to know. She's young and she wants to be free of commitment. There's nothing you can do about that. She likes you because of familiarity, a bond you both created, a safe place -- anything more she cannot do. It's not uncommon. We've all had to experience a loved one wanting to move on.
Author Roger1201 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 Yes this is true. I understand that I need to take it for what it is and that I may not get all the answers that I want. It is just difficult. I almost wish she would have just said "no" instead, but she left it off as "I'm just not ready right now." I do just want to say though that I truly don't think that she is saying any of those things to "tell me what I want to hear", not after everything she had put me through back in the beginning of the year and not after I finally got through to her. I think she is just genuinely confused about what she wants. Thank you for your replies. I do value the perspectives I'm given on here.
Zahara Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Yes this is true. I understand that I need to take it for what it is and that I may not get all the answers that I want. It is just difficult. I almost wish she would have just said "no" instead, but she left it off as "I'm just not ready right now." I do just want to say though that I truly don't think that she is saying any of those things to "tell me what I want to hear", not after everything she had put me through back in the beginning of the year and not after I finally got through to her. I think she is just genuinely confused about what she wants. Thank you for your replies. I do value the perspectives I'm given on here. "I'm not ready right now" is usually a polite way of saying no. It's also a way to keep someone on the backburner. It's sometimes hard for dumpers to completely let go because they're accustomed to you and it's safe to have someone that still provides them with some level of interest and attention. If she is confused, it's even more reason to let go. Set her free and set yourself free. Surrender to what is and if you both are meant to be together, it will happen. But for now, accept it for what it is and self-preserve.
Author Roger1201 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 I suppose you are correct, Thank you. I guess that is what I needed to hear. Although the wounds are still fresh, I know that I'll get on with my life sooner or later. I do need to do a bit of working on my self. Get myself back on track in school, build up my confidence, improve my social life. All these things have suffered as a result of the stress I've been dealing with as a result of my situation with her. The only thing that uncertainty that remains that I am still worried about is that before I left, She agreed that at some point in the future she would come back and let me know how she feels. I am not living in anticipation of this. I am operating my life under the assumption that the other night was really "it". But the uncertainty remains in the very back of my head as to when/if/how it will happen. I really wish I could still have her in my life to some capacity because her and I really got along like I did with no one else. But life isn't always fair I guess. Maybe some time in the future we truly can be friends but for now it looks like I have to just get on with my life and not look back
Zahara Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Yes, you will get on with your life. One day at a time. Focus on what you've left by the wayside. From pain comes growth and maybe this will be the push for you to start getting back on track and prioritizing you. At 46, I can't tell you how many times I've heard from others or through my own experiences -- maybe in the future. Don't place any emphasis on that because no one has the capability to look into the future, therefore that statement is unrealistic. We don't even know what we're having for dinner tomorrow. Things can change and who knows where this path may lead you or where she may end up. Let go of those castles in the sky. Most times people say that -- to protect your feelings, to keep you on hold, or because there's nothing left to say. Yes, it's painful to let go of those we still love. Maybe one day when you've reached a level of indifference you can have her in your life again. This time it won't hurt you. You have decades ahead of you. Trust that this isn't the only love that will cross your path. Keep your head up and focus on rebuilding a relationship with yourself.
lolablue17 Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 The only thing that uncertainty that remains that I am still worried about is that before I left, She agreed that at some point in the future she would come back and let me know how she feels. This is also am expression that meant to soften the pain. I'm in the show business and when we reject actors\actresses we always say "We took someone else over you, but you were quite good, and if something will go wrong with the other one, we will consider to call you to do the role". It just something people say... But you can say anything about everything. "At some point I may run for president of the US". You cannot prove I'm 100% wrong, because there's always a possibility that it happens. So that what she said - an irresponsible vague speculation.
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