standing8 Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 I have been with my fiance for about 2 years now and we have a 9 month old daughter. I just got back from an overseas deployment with the military in May. Half the time we have been together i was gone. Before I left things weren't really going perfect. A couple of months before I came back I my feelings for her started to go away. Since I have been back it has only gotten worse. I just feel like I dont love her and feel like I am suffocating. I think the only thing keeping us together is our daughter. It is like all my feelings are going away about her. Its to the point I am not even attracted to her. I feel like I am being selfish and shallow but I cant change how I feel. A couple of weeks ago I called off the engagement and told her lets just try and concentrate on raising our daughter. She has been really sad ever since. I have been trying to act loving towards her but she has seen right through it. Yesterday I finally told her how I am feeling and she is devestated. I told her I am gonna try counseling at our church and that I didnt want to give up on our relationship. Right now she is devestated. I want to try hard but I feel a break up is inevitable. I really dont know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Can I fall back in love with her? Any input would help.
SilentLucidity Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Staying together just because of a child is no use. It doesn't make things better and if you think that child won't eventually feel the pangs of the relationship tension you're wrong. You say that she is sad and my guess is she spends most of the time with the kid since you're in the military and also you're away quite a bit. That child knows that the mother is not happy. Also you may be able to fall in love with her again, but it won't be anytime soon. You can start by remembering all of the things that attracted you to her in the first place. Sometimes memories are more powerful than the here and now, if they weren't then no one would be sad over a breakup ever. If you're truly not happy with her and not attracted to her then you're doing yourself a disservice as well as her and the kid. It is best if you're totally and brutually honest with yourself and her. I think it's admirable that you're taking the steps to go to counseling but after that if you're still feeling the same way you're going to have to let this girl go. That doesn't mean you stop being a father for your baby, it just means that you have the right mind to know that it will not work between you and your fiancee. It doesn't make you a failure, in fact I think it makes you a better person.
Horse Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Then you should be old enough to know what you want. And old enough to maintain a marriage, if that is what you want. Don't get married unless you are absolutely sure. Especially if you plan on staying in the military. When I was in, the divorce rate for people in my job was over 75%. A big part of that was all of the long deployments. People grow further apart and/or cheat. I know you want to do the honorable thing and take care of your daughter, but forcing her to grow up in an unhappy family that is almost certainly doomed is not it. But... Do the counseling thing. At t least it will help you make sure that you are making the right decision.
immizunderstood Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I'm glad to know that there are men still out there being honest when its time for a break up. I know both you and your fiancee are going through an extremely hard time. It's clear to me that you still care about her enough to not want to hurt her feelings but you have to understand that its not healthy to stay in any relationship just b/c you have children in common. I'm no expert but I do know my daughters feel the tension in house when it comes to me and my b/f. It has gotten to the point where I just wanna leave for their sake. The arguing and fighting is utterly destroying them. You guys seem to be sharing a love for a child you both want to raise, whether be it together or apart your young will know you both love them deeply. When it comes to your fiancee she knows that something isn't right in the relationship and she may want it to work. But you guys have to find out when the relationship started to dwindle and then maybe you both can begin to heal from there.
Author standing8 Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 I really appreciate the help you guys. I told her all that I was feeling but I couldnt tell her about not being attracted to her anymore. I felt that would just do to mutch damage to her. I promised her I wouldnt give up and that I am hoping for the best.
Candy Cane Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 I guess I don't get it. Was the last two years absolute hell for you? Is this some kind of horrible woman you are having to deal with? If not, I think the problem is you. Families aren't supposed to be disposable. My mother left my father because he was impossible to live with. Had she left him because she "lost that lovin' feelin'" then I would never have forgiven her. Love is the ability to recognize and appreciate the blessings that God has bestowed upon you. Would you have been happier the last two years being alone or was this just a trial family for you? You should be really grateful that you have a woman who loves you. Not everyone is that lucky.
Recommended Posts