Ex wants to try dating again [UPDATED I am the Dumper. What's my next move?]

April 9, 2017

Appreciate your intial post, but it sounds like you have taken him back conditionally. You have the power here, the one who decides whether the relationship moves forward or not. 'I am going to let it go if...,' are your words to describe the relationship.

You have the ability to dump him and take him back, and deep down you've probably lost respect for a man who allows this to happen to him.

If a woman spoke this way about my relationship with her, I'd walk away and not look back. Though I never take back dumpers anyway, as this creates serial dumpers.

I would agree with you, but I think maybe you don't understand the nature of our "first" relationship. It was co-dependency, constant fights (every other day), and just overall hurt all the time. It wasn't until I look back after having some peace in my life do I think, "Why did I do that to myself?? Just because of "love"?" We were both hell bent on us making it work - despite all the challenges we continued reading books and such. If I were to go back, I would just let the relationship go. After years of such hardship, it's simple evident that you two don't work.

Now, when I say "If this relationship doesn't add more positivity in my life, I will let it go," what I mean is to say that I am not simply going back to same toxic relationship. That is not the outlook of someone saying "If you don't do what I want all the time I am throwing you away." That is the healthy outlook that - if a relationship is adding stress and negativity into your life - there is no reason that you should hold onto it longer than necessary (give it a good try, but afterwards let it go if things don't get better).

April 18, 2017

Hello LS, didn't think I'd be back again.

In the past two months or so, I reconciled with my ex BF who was my first love. We both had a lot of issues in the relationship - there was lying on his part, but I was a serial dumper literally every fight (for a few hours - then call asking for him back). Loved each other dearly but we were both messed up and immature.

He was like family to me. We lived together when not LD for school, we supported each other in every aspect, he is a very sensitive romantic man.

I broke up with him technically over another serial dump, asked for him back and he said enough is enough. That's completely fair. I accepted after a lot of begging and ended up healing a lot after a few months breakup. It was NOT clean (read my old threads) b/c he confessed once I broke up with him that he was meeting up with (on private hang out sessions - nothing physical or even a date, but he liked this girl) an old best friend and asked her out the day after we broke up. He lied about these meetings when we were together. He reconciled with me for like three days during the break up, but then said he really wanted to date her badly. Him choosing her over me was enough to move on.

He contacted me a few weeks after true NC asking for reconciliation. I accepted and we reconciled superrrr slowly. No labels (GF/BF), just growing our connection again. He told me that he would stop talking to the other girl and that he never even kissed her during the break (this was true).

Things were going great. Little fighting that was resolved quickly, I completely dropped my bad break up habits with the therapy I've been doing for months now. He was better at communicating. I had a lot of hope. I was staring to become open to his love and vulnerable again.

Until yesterday. I found out that he was not only still talking to the girl from before (the one with a LOT of history of being an issue in the relationship, he left me for her, etc), but ALSO meeting up with her (which he said was just to tutor her in Math, which might be likely bc that's what he does but it's still BS). That was an immediate break up.

So I am the dumper in this case, but literally had no choice. There was no way I was going to give him another chance after that, after everything. I was done.

However, I loved him. Any advice on coping in this tough situation?

His reaction, in case you were curious, was a simple "Okay Marie." And nothing else. No begging or contacting me hours later to apologize. I haven't replied because I have nothing else to say and want to go NC asap.

Edited April 18, 2017 by marie25

April 18, 2017

You're still a serial dumper.

Based on your story, at least in my opinion, you are the issue here. You've broken up with him so many times that he's walking on eggshells while around you.

You say "that may be true but it's BS". Which is it, true or BS?

Seems like you need to continue therapy. You dump him constantly to get a reaction, and you have to be the one that has power in the relationship. You play a game with his heart every time you break up with him, and that's a big problem.

Continue your therapy and leave him alone would be my advice. Granted, I've only know whats going on based on what you say, but it seems to me that you need to leave him alone. He's foolish to keep coming back to you when you keep dumping him over petty stuff.

You also do not trust him at all, and he likely doesn't trust you. Leave the poor guy alone.

April 18, 2017

This sounds like the death spiral of a relationship. Every time that you dumped him, he was less invested. His lying and cheating are emotionally unhealthy too since there's no excuse for them.

Continue your therapy and understand that your relationship dynamic was toxic in every way and that it's time to move on from it.

April 18, 2017

Hello LS, didn't think I'd be back again.

In the past two months or so, I reconciled with my ex BF who was my first love. We both had a lot of issues in the relationship - there was lying on his part, but I was a serial dumper literally every fight (for a few hours - then call asking for him back). Loved each other dearly but we were both messed up and immature.
He was like family to me. We lived together when not LD for school, we supported each other in every aspect, he is a very sensitive romantic man.

I broke up with him technically over another serial dump, asked for him back and he said enough is enough. That's completely fair. I accepted after a lot of begging and ended up healing a lot after a few months breakup. It was NOT clean (read my old threads) b/c he confessed once I broke up with him that he was meeting up with (on private hang out sessions - nothing physical or even a date, but he liked this girl) an old best friend and asked her out the day after we broke up. He lied about these meetings when we were together. He reconciled with me for like three days during the break up, but then said he really wanted to date her badly. Him choosing her over me was enough to move on.

He contacted me a few weeks after true NC asking for reconciliation. I accepted and we reconciled superrrr slowly. No labels (GF/BF), just growing our connection again. He told me that he would stop talking to the other girl and that he never even kissed her during the break (this was true).

Things were going great. Little fighting that was resolved quickly, I completely dropped my bad break up habits with the therapy I've been doing for months now. He was better at communicating. I had a lot of hope. I was staring to become open to his love and vulnerable again.

Until yesterday. I found out that he was not only still talking to the girl from before (the one with a LOT of history of being an issue in the relationship, he left me for her, etc), but ALSO meeting up with her (which he said was just to tutor her in Math, which might be likely bc that's what he does but it's still BS). That was an immediate break up.

So I am the dumper in this case, but literally had no choice. There was no way I was going to give him another chance after that, after everything. I was done.

However, I loved him. Any advice on coping in this tough situation?

His reaction, in case you were curious, was a simple "Okay Marie." And nothing else. No begging or contacting me hours later to apologize. I haven't replied because I have nothing else to say and want to go NC asap.

I've been in these situations. My exw did the same thing, she'd dump, block and delete, and we'd be back shortly. This became a quite vicious cycle.

I can tell you, from a serial dumpees point of view, that while I loved her, I simply would have something waiting around in reserve for the inevitable next time. It made no sense to invest my heart into someone who would put me through such extremes.

The ex that brought me to LS was also like this, but on steroids. She would discover information she did not care for - and disappear. Once to Louisiana for a month, another time for several weeks, and the last episode that is related in detail on my main thread.

Simply put, it is a control mechanism designed to right the power balance. My ex felt wronged, refused to communicate about it, disappeared, and made me chase her until she was satisfied.

Terribly unhealthy, toxic in the extreme. And, very immature. Centered, mature partners talk their issues out, and do not act like this.

Your ex needs someone who can communicate better. I myself would be feeling very unstable, as he clearly does.

No condemnation intended.

April 19, 2017

I want to make it clear to everyone - since there seems to be some serious misunderstandings.

This break up was not the result of the serial dumping I used to do.

It didn't feel the same, I still don't have regrets about it, it was backed by a legitimate reason, and I have quit that bad habit a while ago for good. There is not way for you all to know this for a fact, but believe me on this.

Also, this girl did not just come out of nowhere. It isn't like I got mad at my BF for simply tutoring a girl he used to like, then broke up with him over it. That would be controlling and abusive behavior.

This girl has been causing problems in the relationship for like 1.5 years now. The girl herself is a nice person - but rather my BF really liked her and did not maintain healthy boundaries (when I told him I was uncomfortable with him talking to her this reconciliation for instance - he does it behind my back).

He also has a history of lying about talking and meeting up with this girl - and this was the HUGE thing that I made very very clear would be the main rule that would be put up in this reconciliation. No lying, at least if you talk to her (which ultimately would make me uncomfortable in and of itself) please be honest with me about it. To which he agreed. Then lied about it AGAIN weeks later.

I am not going to disagree that this was a toxic relationship in the past. But I was really getting my hopes up that this new reconciliation would be different because it felt like two different people, we fought constructively instead of it being these huge meaningless arguments, he showed me a lot of love and talked of a long future together. I was really feeling good about things, and then found out he had been lying to me about the girl. It is heartbreaking. I didn't want to end things.

The crazy crazy part? I still miss him dearly, the effects of the breakup hit me almost immediately (none of that happiness that a dumper feels after a BU). I want us to work out, in some crazy alternative universe - I want to believe him that he just didn't believe it to be that big of a problem to simply tutor this girl and keep it from me, and have a happy healthy future with him. Unfortunately, I don't think I could trust him again, because there has been so much damage to the trust. I know that in a few days, he will likely contact me to apologize heavily and ask for me to give him another chance to show me that he is the perfect one for me. I fear that I will give in - but I am trying to stay strong.

I know that LS can be a harsh place - but please do not try to demonize me. I am human and am searching for a happy healthy loving relationship as everyone is. The problems I have I am very open to working on with my therapist.

April 19, 2017

Wasn't it like 2 months since your last break up?

issues don't get fixed in 2 months. They take many months, if not years. That is why many reconciliations after a brief period of time result in failure. There's still a lot of bad blood.

I know for me if my ex were to try to get back with me, I'd say no. Mainly because she's a narc, and like your ex, LIED ALL THE TIME. But the main thing is it's way too soon.

Take some time apart. And my opinion is that your serial dumping made your ex walk on eggshells. Seems it made him prepared to lose you, but wasn't ready to let go of the final string.

You need to make up your mind fully before trying to reconcile with him, or even trying to reconcile.

They say the hardest part isn't getting your ex back, but keeping them. See where you both are at in a year. Better yet, let it go completely.

April 19, 2017

Wasn't it like 2 months since your last break up?

issues don't get fixed in 2 months. They take many months, if not years. That is why many reconciliations after a brief period of time result in failure. There's still a lot of bad blood.

I know for me if my ex were to try to get back with me, I'd say no. Mainly because she's a narc, and like your ex, LIED ALL THE TIME. But the main thing is it's way too soon.

Take some time apart. And my opinion is that your serial dumping made your ex walk on eggshells. Seems it made him prepared to lose you, but wasn't ready to let go of the final string.

You need to make up your mind fully before trying to reconcile with him, or even trying to reconcile.

They say the hardest part isn't getting your ex back, but keeping them. See where you both are at in a year. Better yet, let it go completely.

Most definitely I agree that I need some space. I felt like a lot of change had happened in those two months - and it felt enough for me (the rest of the problems, mostly healthy communication, we could work through together but it wasn't that intense anyway), but I guess not for him. And even when the reconciliation started, I was keen on it being slow, so we didn't dive into things immediately.

Oh, and as for him having "back up plans" because I was a serial dumper - of course, I would never blame him for meeting up with this girl when I was serially dumping him. It wasn't right perse, but anyone would have done it and I definitely pushed him there. Not going to argue with that. Also, he was not a liar like I hear other people dealing with. He didn't lie a lot about everything. Not at all. He just kept these meetings and talking to this girl secret/lied about them, but was not a compulsive liar in general (only this specific thing).

I want to ask everyone for some coping mechanisms I can employ here. I am not a dumpee necessarily so I can't have that "the ball isn't in my court, I am moving on unless they ask for reconciliation" factor going on because I am the dumper and have to deal with second-guessing of the decision. But I am also dealing with heartbreak, have to work very hard to keep NC, etc.

Words of advice

April 19, 2017

Hello Marie,

I read your story and am working on truly moving on. It's my birthday today and measly Day 1 of NC. I'm curious, how did your reconciliation come about and how is it going currently?

Happy birthday for the 8th

May 6, 2017

Hello all,

I have posted a few times here - I have used LS as my diary and place to receive advice. It has definitely been a bumpy road these past few months for me

For those who don't know my story - I had a very rocky relationship with my ex of two years. We were each other's first loves but because of inexperience, we made many mistakes. He was very (I mean extremely) loving and was a "ride or die" for the most part. He wanted to one day marry etc etc.

Recently, after a break we tried reconciling. Things were going wonderfully, no fights and great communication and connection. But he had a problem of lying (we are LD so trust is a big deal - as it should always be) which was one of his contributions to the huge break (I had mine too, but never lies). He had only lied a few times - but that was a few secrets too many. So when we were reconciling, his honesty was one of my top priorities.

Needless to say, he opened up to me (after me asking) that he had been keeping some things from me - and that was my limit.

I love him dearly, and so does he. I wish that I could work things through with him, study the relationship books like he wants and work on our relationship - but this was my last push, and it's beyond my boundary of comfort now. I simply couldn't trust him anymore and what relationship could exist without that?

How to cope from here? People never talk about how hard it is to continue NC and not try reaching out when you know that if you did, the other person would always be down to try things again. But it would never work anyway. People never talk about how hard it is to let someone go that you love dearly and they still love you.

Words of wisdom for the lonely and heartbroken?

May 6, 2017

I'm so sorry. long distance is just a very high hurdle to navigate in a relationship, I think especially for men. They need that visual reminder of how much they like you more than women do.

Whether someone is trustworthy is all about that person's ethics. He either is or he's not, regardless of situation. So eventually he would have betrayed your trust even if you were together in the same town. In fact, you probably would have found out sooner he wasn't the one.

Nonetheless, it leaves a void that used to be filled with high hopes and prospects for the future. And that hurts most of all. Pleases mourn but then start making yourself go out and be social and do things you love.

May 6, 2017

Long distance relationships often do not work out. Too hard for various reasons and too many things going against them. I'm sorry. You will heal in time.

May 6, 2017

I'm so sorry. long distance is just a very high hurdle to navigate in a relationship, I think especially for men. They need that visual reminder of how much they like you more than women do.

Whether someone is trustworthy is all about that person's ethics. He either is or he's not, regardless of situation. So eventually he would have betrayed your trust even if you were together in the same town. In fact, you probably would have found out sooner he wasn't the one.

Nonetheless, it leaves a void that used to be filled with high hopes and prospects for the future. And that hurts most of all. Pleases mourn but then start making yourself go out and be social and do things you love.

Unfortunately, I think you are right. We were able to work with each other while together physically, but once I had to leave for school our problems became slowly insurmountable with the distance. I still think that we would have worked out if we were in close proximal distance - we had previously lived together and so me moving a few hours away was a step backward.

Sigh - nothing really to do about the past or "what ifs". Moving forward is hard.

May 14, 2017

Hello all,

It's been a few weeks NC w my ex. Our story is on other threads and it's long so I won't rehash it, but it might be worth checking out.

At this point, I miss him but don't miss our toxic relationship. At the end, I felt he was finally understanding what his wrongs were AND not to do then again, but I was kinda unable to move past it no matter how many promises or apologies. Instead of keeping him in the inbetween of "I am not sure if I could ever get back with you, give me time," I decided not to waste his time or hurt him any longer and just ended things after a few days of thinking.

His "wrongs" btw were lying. He lied about meeting up with and talking still to the girl that he emotionally cheated on me with. We are LD so there is no recovering from that with 500 miles between us.

I know that he still loves me. I did a lot of bad to him as well with serial dumping that caused him to seek someone else in the first place (last year). We were both unhealthy. With this reconciliation, we were starting to grow and had zero fights, were super mature about everything, our connection was sky high again. I could see a future with him again finally. But then I found out about the lies. Game over.

At this point then, weeks later, I am NC. I go back to visit our hometown where he is in a few days. I'm not sure if I should reach out to him to meetup. I still love him and miss him. I think if he grew and understood his mistakes (I am not one that thinks that people never change bc that is 100% BS) from this break I would be interested in at least meeting up. But I don't know or think I want anything currently with him because I will be traveling again more for about a year and reconilication through distance is hard (especially trust building). I want to tell him all this but want to be fair to him - would you want to know all of this as a dumpee?

Tldr; to meet up or not to meet up?

May 14, 2017

Moderator ~6 merged four threads on this breakup and there may be some overlap and/or duplicate content so please take it all in and continue the discussion of this breakup in this thread. Thanks!

May 15, 2017

I think if he grew and understood his mistakes (I am not one that thinks that people never change bc that is 100% BS) from this break I would be interested in at least meeting up.

What's to stop him from just lying lying lying again?

I want to tell him all this but want to be fair to him - would you want to know all of this as a dumpee?

You have been more than "fair" to him. He repaid you with lies and infidelity. Why would you put yourself through all that again?

Who gives 2 shakes of a lamb's tail what he would want to know or not?? Why are you even thinking about what he would want to know? You should be thinking about what's best for YOU right now. And that is...

Tldr; to meet up or not to meet up?

No, keep to the NC. The relationship is over. Keep it that way. You deserve much better than this lying cheat.

May 15, 2017

What's to stop him from just lying lying lying again?

You have been more than "fair" to him. He repaid you with lies and infidelity. Why would you put yourself through all that again?

Who gives 2 shakes of a lamb's tail what he would want to know or not?? Why are you even thinking about what he would want to know? You should be thinking about what's best for YOU right now. And that is...

No, keep to the NC. The relationship is over. Keep it that way. You deserve much better than this lying cheat.

Thank you!! You know, I get into moods where I am thinking about him, him, him, and not about me and what's good for me, etc. I think it's a part of the healing process, and I had a lot of emotional dependence on him - doesn't go away overnight.

But you are right. This person lied and lied and lied to me. There is no future there anytime soon.

June 10, 2017

Hey Marie,

Recently gave up on a reconciliation process with my ex. How have you been doing?

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Ex wants to try dating again [UPDATED I am the Dumper. What's my next move?]

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