over after six dates, postmortem

[Ronnys93]

Moved too fast is an understatement.

 

 

1 month & 6 dates . . . the farthest in the future you should be talking about is whether you'd still be together next week.

 

 

The minute things got that intense should have been a clue that they would burn out just as fast.

 

 

Your take away is to slow down. Save the deep stuff for 6 months / 1 year in when you have a track record, & know by the person's actions that they can be trusted to show up.

 

 

Nobody deletes the app or takes down their profile after 2 dates. It's too soon. Even if they do, they don't tell the other person because it's too much of a commitment too fast. As for their "borderline stalkers" they probably exist because she came on as hot & heavy with them in the beginning. Unlike you, they didn't take no for an answer. She causes her own problems by misleading men.

 

Bingo! Glad I'm not the only one who caught that.

[zeeohsixer]

It was only 6 dates and you stated things were moving fast. Either you were pushing her or she was pushing you and she got cold feet. It happens. Your problem is oneitis. You should have other plates on deck, that way you're not too available or overeager. Women want men that have lots of options.

[angel.eyes]

Neither of you did anything wrong.I understand that you're upset, but she didn't play you for a fool.

 

First understand that almost all dating that we do will end in a breakup. The shorter the time period that you've been dating, the more likely a breakup.

 

Second, most people are excited and infatuated early on. Recognize that this phase of dating doesn't last. As you get to know each other, you learn more about the other person and that either helps you fall in love or makes you realize you aren't compatible with that person. She learned enough to realize after six dates that you weren't a match. Be grateful that she didn't waste your time once she made that realization, but instead set you free to try and find a better match.

 

Yes, it's upsetting to be dumped. Unfortunately, that's just part of dating. Please see the whole experience as getting you one step closer to the right person for you. It's rare that someone ends up marrying the first person he or she ever dates.

[ZA Dater]

I can't help but think i was played a fool for trusting her. Sure, I didn't trust her on the first or second date, but going on a month in with daily communication, I started to think I could trust her.

 

I don't know to tell when/if I can trust people, I thought I could trust her but I was proven wrong again.

 

 

I guess some positives would be that I really restrained the desperation that I feel. I have been getting much better at this.

 

I didn't jump to deleting the app even though I wanted to. After the first date I couldn't think of seeing anyone else(and wouldn't anyway given my dating life), as juvenile and presumptive as that sounds.

 

I didn't freak out when I texted her and didn't hear for few hours, which is my gut reaction. I knew(trusted) she would respond sooner or later.

 

I just really tried to not look desperate (thought I was) and I think that worked. If anything, she came off as desperate.

 

I tried to keep our communication in balance. For example, when she popped up and asked why I'm not talking to her, where did I go? I would increase communication a little.

 

Really tried not to talk about important things over text, too. But they would come up sometimes.

 

I'm just getting stuff off my chest I guess.

 

From my perspective, sitting across the world its great to read the positive. Tell yourself this often and you should feel better. I keep saying, if someone has a positive experience like this it can make the world of difference.

 

 

Clearly you are in the right space to date people which is massive progress.

[palmsand]

She changed her mind to pursue you....it happens. Like she's going to tell you the real reason. It's over, lick your wounds and get back out there.

 

 

Actually, she did.

 

She continues to prove what a good, honest person she is. I decided I had nothing to loose in contacting her again and asking for the real reason.

 

I said I wanted to know more, and suggested what I thought was the problem(fading chemistry), and said I wouldn't bother her again. Her message telling me it was over did not hint at staying in touch.

 

She said I could text her anytime (?), and basically repeated the reasons she gave the first time.

 

I said I have a bunch of questions. She said just ask them.

 

So I did, in brutal honesty. She answered everything sincerely. It really has nothing to do with me. Everything I thought I did wrong wasn't. The bottom line is that she has had nothing but traumatic relationships with men. I won't go into the details but very very bad. She has learned she can't trust men, period. Since a particularly traumatic event not too long ago, she hasn't been able to connect and commit and sustain a relationship with any man, including me. Everything was real, she just can't take the next step.

 

 

I just can't believe she would tell me these things, in great detail. She could have just said it wasn't me. She said she owed me the real explanation. It's like she trusts me now more than ever.

 

That, and staying in touch leaves me feeling hopeful that if she can work through everything that has happened, that we might have another chance down the road. She is worth it.

 

 

This whole experience has restored my faith that good people really do exist.

Edited February 26, 2017 by palmsand

[angel.eyes]

You do yourself a disservice by continuing to hope that you'll get back together. You only had six dates with her.

 

Here is some food for thought:

 

If she had told you she was breaking up with you because of XYZ you did or were, most likely you would argue repeatedly that either she was wrong in her assessment of you and XYZ wasn't really true, or you would promise to change and beg her to reconsider and give you another chance--stretching out an already unpleasant process and making it even more miserable for everyone involved. Breaking up with someone is never palatable. You're hurting someone. Critiquing someone that you've just hurt by breaking up is also unpleasant. Most people don't enjoy kicking someone when they're down, which is essentially what you're asking her to do when you ask for reasons for a breakup. Besides, who's to say that the next person you date, won't love the fact that you do XYZ? We all have different tastes and needs.

 

So the easiest way to deal with demands for the reason you're breaking up with someone, is the old "it's not you, it's me" approach. You can't argue with her claiming to be incapable of a relationship or otherwise defective. It preempts any argument you might try. And since she's broken things off, meaning you'll no longer be part of her life, what you think of her is irrelevant. It was six dates. It's not like you've known each other forever or have shared social circles. You're going to go back to being strangers living in parallel worlds.

 

By her own admission, she's had multiple relationships before. Sorry, but she'll have relationships with other guys again. Recognize dating for what it is, especially early on. You're trying to figure out if you and the person you're dating are compatible. It's a learning process. Eventually you learn enough to realize things won't work with a particular person. There's no promise that she'll date you for XYZ time period, or you'll get to a particular relationship milestone. Six dates in she learned enough to know there was no future with you.

 

The smart choice is to graciously accept the breakup and exit stage left. Quizzing a dumper for reasons serves no real purpose. You'll never get the "real" reason because those are often harsh and hurtful. Instead you'll get "answers" that only create more questions, leave you confused, and result in false hope.

 

Let her go. She's not the only woman on the planet.You'll find someone else, someone who is a much better match for you.

[palmsand]

I know it sounds nieve of me, but I don't think that's what she did.

 

She only told me about those painful things to reassure me that it wasn't me, after I assumed it was. She could have used a thousand different escuses but told me the truth instead.

 

I asked her specific questions about me, things I said and did that I thought were the problem, inviting her to kick me and just say yes, that was it. But she refuted them all.

 

Things in her life took a big turn for the worse in the middle of our time together, the timing explains a lot. I think we are compatible and if she can work through things, there could be a chance. Just a possibility.

 

That's why i think it's wierd she wants to stay in touch. What would we talk about? She doesn't want me out of her life, but of course I know that could be for the wrong reasons.

Edited February 27, 2017 by palmsand

[dumbass2]

I think she sees you as a friend and that's it. You have romantic interest and she doesn't so you are just continuing down a dead end road. I believe you said that you two never had sex, correct?

[angel.eyes]

That's why i think it's wierd she wants to stay in touch. What would we talk about? She doesn't want me out of her life, but of course I know that could be for the wrong reasons.

 

Six dates/one month with a stranger she met on OLD.

 

With time, and your attempts to keep a connection going, you'll discover that she doesn't really want to talk to you or hang out with you on any sort of regular basis post-breakup. Let's be friends is letting the other person down easy. It's social grease to smooth things over and minimize any potential drama as you glide out the door.

 

She's getting on with her life. You really need to let go and do the same. Hanging on, thinking she might come back, is just going to prolong your agony.

[palmsand]

That would be the bad reason, to let me down easy.

 

I say I don't contact her. If she wants to talk to me, she can.

[PLT]

My red flag radar is pinging like crazy.

 

This woman sounds almost exactly how my ex was when we first dated, even down to the details. All I will say is be very, very careful. Be mindful of push/pull behaviour (with you or any of these other men she has queuing at her door) and if you see it, run. Run as far and as fast as you can.

 

That she has only had bad relationships with men, learnt not to trust men and all that stuff may well be true, but its a BAD sign dude. One day, you could end up being added to that list.

 

People who talk bad about all their exes need to look inwards more, as that's where the real issue lies.

Edited February 28, 2017 by PLT

[palmsand]

I totally agree. She knows that she hurt me(a little). She said she gave up on meeting people so went on the app. Now her account is gone. I hope she has realized that she is not in a good place to be dating now.

 

 

I think that's why she did this, she doesn't have the emotional energy and trust to date. She isn't about to make the same mistakes again and jump in with someone who could turn into a monster. I think taking a break not just from me, but from dating, is the right thing to do.