elhacedor Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 So, my ex (who dumped me) sent me an email yesterday. You can read the entire story in my first post, but basically we broke up two months ago, she returned to her country and we started NC right away, because she said she didn’t want to “give me hope”. In the course of our relationship, my ex had formed a very strong (although unilateral) bond with my mother, and they kept writing to each other, until I told them to stop because it made me feel very uncomfortable. My mother had cancer 2 years ago and her condition got worse just before my and my ex’s breakup. I felt so hurt about my ex starting NC and not even offering a bit of (much needed) emotional support. However, she asked me to tell her when we had any news about my mother. Which I did about 1 month ago, because I was feeling really vulnerable and lonely. She sent me a very short response, and then we didn’t contact each other. Yesterday she sent me an email (we don’t have other communication means, since I blocked her on facebook and phone) to know how is everything going with my mom. Her message was cold and even a little rude (but she was not writing in her native language). My heart started to beat faster when I saw her name, but then I felt extremely annoyed and didn’t want to answer. Obviously I still have feelings for my ex, but I am in a much better place now and I don’t need her anymore for emotional support. Why should I worry about her and her needs? I know that if I answer, I'm going to feel worse, so I'm very determined not to, but I guess I cannot help feeling a little guilty… I know that she is a very sensitive and vulnerable person and will not take it well. I think I need a little encouragement to make the right decision for ME this time.
Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 So, my ex (who dumped me) sent me an email yesterday. You can read the entire story in my first post, but basically we broke up two months ago, she returned to her country and we started NC right away, because she said she didn’t want to “give me hope”. In the course of our relationship, my ex had formed a very strong (although unilateral) bond with my mother, and they kept writing to each other, until I told them to stop because it made me feel very uncomfortable. My mother had cancer 2 years ago and her condition got worse just before my and my ex’s breakup. I felt so hurt about my ex starting NC and not even offering a bit of (much needed) emotional support. However, she asked me to tell her when we had any news about my mother. Which I did about 1 month ago, because I was feeling really vulnerable and lonely. She sent me a very short response, and then we didn’t contact each other. Yesterday she sent me an email (we don’t have other communication means, since I blocked her on facebook and phone) to know how is everything going with my mom. Her message was cold and even a little rude (but she was not writing in her native language). My heart started to beat faster when I saw her name, but then I felt extremely annoyed and didn’t want to answer. Obviously I still have feelings for my ex, but I am in a much better place now and I don’t need her anymore for emotional support. Why should I worry about her and her needs? I know that if I answer, I'm going to feel worse, so I'm very determined not to, but I guess I cannot help feeling a little guilty… I know that she is a very sensitive and vulnerable person and will not take it well. I think I need a little encouragement to make the right decision for ME this time. Considering you're in a better place, I wouldn't reply. If you do, I would kepp it short and to the point. If there's never going to be anything between you guys, I think it's probably best that she doesn't use your mom as a reason to reach out to you. 1
Author elhacedor Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 In the last 10 days, I was very busy with my job and I thought very little about my ex, so it was very simple not to answer her email. Today, right after the session with my therapist (terrible timing) I received a new email from her, saying that she is very worried about my lack of response. This time, I was kind of shocked. It breaks my heart to know that she is sad and worried, and I feel like a terrible person to ignore her... But her insistence makes me a little angry as well, and I guess I have to be strong and ignore her even if it hurts now... Am I doing the right thing here? :/
Cookies101 Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 (edited) Yes, you are doing the right thing. She broke up with you, and hasn't directly addressed any of that in the email. She seems lonely, bored, or maybe just got dumped by somebody she might have been dating after you (?). I think, for your own health, you should completely ingore her, unless she starts emailing about the relationship and is maybe seeking reconciliation, then you can evaluate that and make a decision based on a different premise. Edited March 1, 2017 by Cookies101 1
Alpha_Male Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Breadcrumbs Totally forget her. And totally be healed. The more both of you communicate, this drama not gonna end soon, and more harder for you to move on. 1
Author elhacedor Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 Thank you guys. Even though I think her intentions are good It's clear that I need to assert myself and make the best decison for me. 2
dumbass2 Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Thank you guys. Even though I think her intentions are good It's clear that I need to assert myself and make the best decison for me. I think her intentions are to just satisfy her need to know that you are still around and haven't moved on. Just remember, you cannot just be friends with a romantic ex. Don't feel sorry for her. She has been cold to you and broke your heart and yes it would be best to continue to ignore and set your email to push her address to junk or spam. You get emotional every time she sends something. 1
SevenCity Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Don't think about her feelings, think about yours. When she dumped you she lost all rights to know anything about you or your family. She doesn't like it? Well tough cookies. Should have evaluated all the ramifications before launching the nuke. She can't have her cake and eat it too. If she's in, she's in. If she's out, she's out. As mentioned above, unless she is trying to get back don't respond. If she gets persistent (me me me!) you can politely ask her to no longer contact you unless she wants to work on the relationship. If that's what you even want. 2
magnesium Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Listen friend, I don't suggest you actually send this, but if you were to respond to her breadcrumbs, it should go something like this: "You dumped me. I hope you get eaten by an alligator. Then, a shark eats the alligator that ate you. Finally, the shark forgot how to breathe underwater and dies. The only thing I regret is the shark and alligator passed away." 4
Bromeo Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I cannot stress enough how much everyone else is giving the correct advice. I was ghosted after 18 months. I chased for several months, with her playing games the whole time. Went nc before Christmas. Same thing, she emailed me about some bs a month later. I responded a week later, and she tried to kick her stupid games up again. This lasted a week before I cut her off for good, and blocked her on Facebook. She saw this, and deleted our shared pics. Wtf ever. You are only inviting pain by responding. While I do not prescribe to the often hardcore nc advice preached here, your ex is full of Shiite. Read my thread about what not to do. Breadcrumbs suck. Manipulative stupid Ex-girlfriends suck worse. Tell her if she wants to talk, travel and see you, or find a way to call. Emails, texts, and social media are worthless. 3
Author elhacedor Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Thank all of you very much for your input. I really needed this kind of support, since I'm not talking to my friends about my ex anymore (i feel ashamed of my feelings). Actually I don't think she is a bad person, but I realize that her motivations are not relevant anymore. I do not want to have anything else to do with her and I definitely won't reply.
Author elhacedor Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 "You dumped me. I hope you get eaten by an alligator. Then, a shark eats the alligator that ate you. Finally, the shark forgot how to breathe underwater and dies. The only thing I regret is the shark and alligator passed away." Although this was quite tempting... 1
Bromeo Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Thank all of you very much for your input. I really needed this kind of support, since I'm not talking to my friends about my ex anymore (i feel ashamed of my feelings). Actually I don't think she is a bad person, but I realize that her motivations are not relevant anymore. I do not want to have anything else to do with her and I definitely won't reply. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Real friends will listen as often as you need to talk. Introverts may not need to talk as much. I'm an extrovert, and needed to vent all the time. People are all wonderfully different, and have diverse ways of coping. I'm a talker, so I talk. My ex is a ho, so she hos it up. Continue to post here. Journaling will keep your thoughts organized. Dave
somanymistakes Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 I'm confused - have you told her she's not allowed to contact your mother at all? If so, then of course she's going to be stuck trying to pester you and get worried when you don't answer. Either let them talk directly or put her in touch with someone else she can ask. Give her some conduit to check on your mother without involving you, then step away. You can't say that she's completely out of your life if you're still trying to control her behavior.
lolablue17 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Listen friend, I don't suggest you actually send this, but if you were to respond to her breadcrumbs, it should go something like this: "You dumped me. I hope you get eaten by an alligator. Then, a shark eats the alligator that ate you. Finally, the shark forgot how to breathe underwater and dies. The only thing I regret is the shark and alligator passed away." I wanted to suggest that you answer her only "Please never contact me again". That's how you maintain NC but calm down your guilt for ignoring her. But the alligator story is better. It says the same, but makes you look better, stronger, funnier. Great. I think you should consider this reply.
Author elhacedor Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 I'm confused - have you told her she's not allowed to contact your mother at all? If so, then of course she's going to be stuck trying to pester you and get worried when you don't answer. Either let them talk directly or put her in touch with someone else she can ask. Give her some conduit to check on your mother without involving you, then step away. You can't say that she's completely out of your life if you're still trying to control her behavior. Thank you. I think that's a good point. However, I believe that even establishing boundaries is a way to control the other person's behavior. But there is a big difference between manipulation and avoiding being hurt. My mom is extremely reluctant to talk about her illness, and I could notice that keeping in touch with my ex was creating an unnecessary drama. Does my ex really need to know? Not that she can do much, or provide support being ten thousand kilometers away.
Author elhacedor Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 I wanted to suggest that you answer her only "Please never contact me again". That's how you maintain NC but calm down your guilt for ignoring her. But the alligator story is better. It says the same, but makes you look better, stronger, funnier. Great. I think you should consider this reply. Thank you. Right now I am very emotional, so I think I will take a week to decide if I really want to answer. I know from previous experiences that I might regret it later if I don't wait.
Author elhacedor Posted April 14, 2017 Author Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) So, a couple of weeks after receiving the last email from my ex, having considered all the advice given to me here, and talked about it with my therapist, I decided to answer. I told her I wasn’t comfortable communicating anymore. She replied a two hours later, telling me she respected my decision. She also said that she was ready to resume contact some day if i wanted to, because she “missed my friendship”. That last part was so hurtful, I replied saying that we never were friends, that she broke my heart and I don’t want to have anything to do with her ever again (this move, however questionable, felt like the right thing to do then). She didn’t take it well this time. She replied with a very harsh message, telling me that I don’t acknoweldge my own wrongdoings, and that she will keep contact with R. (my best friend’s wife) and “I don’t give a s**t what you feel about that!!!!” (sic). A brief exchange of emails followed, then we quickly lowered the tone and stopped messaging each other. I know many of you would advice against this kind of break of NC. Truth is, I felt awful for a day or so, and then suddenly releived. I finally got the chance to say everything I needed to, and stop blaming myself alone for the end of the relationship. Of course she couldn’t see her own mistakes, and kept blaming me, but it made me realize that she will never change and I needed to move on for good. The next month (3rd since the break up) was great for me, feeling better and better every day. It was my birthday, and I dind’t receive any message from her, and it didn’t bother me at all. Then, the last week (almost 4 months since the break up), there was this terrible terrorist attack in the city where she lives and I experienced the worst relapse. Again, I’m thinking about her, realizing that I don’t even know if she is alive or not, and thinking about how happy I was when she was here with me, one year ago. However, I didn’t contact her. Now I’m stabilizing again, but her last “threat” started to kick in. I know that my best friend knows everything about her, and I know nothing. This makes me uneasy and a little bit resentful. I don’t know if I should talk to him or wait until this feelings fade away. Edited April 14, 2017 by elhacedor
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