iCheated Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 There seems to be lots of women here and I would like to find some womens opinions. Ok, I cheated on my wife. I knew it was wrong then, and I'm no longer in denial about the 'wrongability' of it. I don't want to get into the why's and wherefore's of cheating--I did it, its over, I'm moving on. I tried the whole counseling thing with the wife to save the marriage but it just wasn't going to happen. I couldn't repent enough and I understand that. I would be hurt too if I had been cheated on and I've learned my lesson. My question is: as I start dating again and someone asks about my divorce I just say something like "it just wasn't meant to be" and we go on. No one has pressed for more information and I have not been in any serious relationships since the divorce. But, I'm narrowing the field so to speak, and have found a few women who I am interested in getting to know better and maybe down the road have a serious commitment with someone. What do I tell them? I'm usually pretty honest, but there is that whole "once a cheater - always a cheater" stigma. I know that there may be a lot of women who will be gun-shy of dating a man who once cheated. I don't want to break any hearts including my own. Been there, done that. I am who I am and my past details don't need to be brought up in minute detail. It's over and that should suffice. What way would you ladies want to hear that someone you are dating and care for and maybe see a future with had cheated on his ex? Or do you want to know? I don't want to keep any secrets and I think this one is worthy of disclosure because it was a life-changing event for me, but I don't think anyone -- even a future wife, needs to know all the gory details. I also don't want to fall in love with someone who is always going to have some measure of mistrust even if they don't admit it to themselves. I realize that my affair not only caused my ex-wife to mistrust me and maybe men in general, but it also has had an effect on my own ability to trust others. At what point in a new relationship would you want to know this? After a few dates? After the "exclusive" discussion? If I date someone a few times and I know I'm going to keep calling her should I tell her then or wait until after we have decided that the relationship *might* have a future and discuss it at that time so that we know if we should go on? I think that is when I would want to know -- before the commitment is made, but after knowing that a commitment is possible. It would be a let-down, but I don't see that the information should be disclosed after a few casual dates. What do you all think?
kkat Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 But, I'm narrowing the field so to speak, and have found a few women who I am interested in getting to know better and maybe down the road have a serious commitment with someone. My first question would be, do any of the aforementioned frontrunners in your "field" know they are part of this field being considered for "maybe" something more serious "down the road" or do they, perhaps, assume they are the sole contender?
iCheated Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Originally posted by kkat My first question would be, do any of the aforementioned frontrunners in your "field" know they are part of this field being considered for "maybe" something more serious "down the road" or do they, perhaps, assume they are the sole contender? Why should that matter? I have made no commitments to anyone yet. I don't know if any of them are considering me as a long-term prospect either. At what point should I tell someone, or should I tell them at all?
newbby Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 you dont have to say anything about it, but if somebody asks for more details then dont lie, otherwise you are a liar , at some point you may want to talk more about it, but i would say that if you really feel comfortable with someone and trusting enough of someone to talk to them about it without fear then thats a sign of a possible good relationship. if you dont trust someone enough to be open then the relationship is probably not right OR you are not yet healed and ready for commitment. trust goes both ways, you want somebody to trust you despite your past, your also have to trust them with your past.
iCheated Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Originally posted by newbby if you dont trust someone enough to be open then the relationship is probably not right OR you are not yet healed and ready for commitment. trust goes both ways, you want somebody to trust you despite your past, your also have to trust them with your past. Yes, you are right. Thank you, very good point.
kkat Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 iCheated, I was trying to answer your question, and to do so thoughtfully, felt it would be helpful to gauge what stage of the relationship you are in with this various women. I feel it these women feel you are in a serious relationship w/ them, then they should likely be told now any pertinent details that would affect their informed decisions as to whether or not they should move forward. By the way, I am not sure if this would be considered one of those pertinent details. I know you said you didn't want to get into the details, but for me, that would actually be pertinent if I was dating you. While cheating is never OK, there are some situations that actually indicate it is not a trend or likely to happen in the future. If you are confident it's a behavior you wouldn't repeat, I sort of feel you aren't as obligated to put it out there. I give you alot of credit for raising the issue. It's really a tough call. What do YOU think is right for you in this situation?
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