why does he want to be friends?

[laguna404]

Hello, I met a guy on match.com, we've been on 3 dates. He is nice, very respectful, has insisted on paying for the dates (each time I've offered to pay), and calls me on the phone. We met like 5 weeks ago, he lives kind of far from in long island and I live in NYC. At the beginning before we went out he would not initiate text a lot, and I would and then he would respond immediately. As we've gone out(he's done the asking out) he would initiate texting more. He's told me that besides being pretty, that I have a wonderful personality and is happy that he is getting to know me. We've done kissing at the end of our dates. Our 4th date was supposed to be friday night, he mentioned on the day before was getting sick, and then friday morning said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to reschedule and didn't want to hold my night up. He texted me at like 5pm that night saying he felt terrible about canceling, and he called me that night and we talked. Last few days he's been sending good morning texts. We agreed to reschedule for dinner for wednesday night, however last night he said he didn't have plans for today earlier he said he had plans with his dad, and today I haven't heard from him at all. I initiated the texting last night with him. I feel like the connection between us is dying off, one of the phone conversations (not the last one) I felt like I was boring him. He is a shy guy he said it on his profile, and he is no longer on match he said his 3 month trial has ended. I could be wrong, but usually my gut is right about these things or I might be just impatient. Does it seem like he's losing interest?

[winny]

Wait and see if the date on Wednesday happens.

Don't worry about boring him..... why isn't he saying anything fun then?

You are not a stand up comedian to keep him entertained. We are regular people and cannot always be in an entertaining mode.

[letsgetcoffee]

Sounds like this guy is into you and maybe just isn't that good at texting/calling. See how the date goes, you'll have much more information then : ).

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

He sounds interested, I would give things a chance. If the texting stops, feel free to shoot him a text.

[laguna404]

He texted me last night asking how my day was

[laguna404]

He texted the night before the 4th date and we had the 4th date we went out to dinner. It ended with kissing like the others. He paid for it, and said next time I could get the bill. We communicate by texting since, but I don't get a lot of enthusiasm from him, I seem to be the one trying to entertain him. Today he texts me again about him coming down with a cold, we don't have plans set up again to go out. I'm starting to get impatient that things seem don't to be progressing. I've started trying to find other guys as well. Im not ready to give up on this guy, he says he does not like to text and he is shy. Tomorrow it will be a week since our last date. Should I ask him out and see, or just wait and see if he is really interested or not. I'm also wondering if he has Aspergers (has a weird obsession with the subway, sometimes has poor eye contact, is a computer programmer)

[CaliforniaGirl]

I feel like he does sound like he's interested, especially since he explained that he doesn't like texting, yet he continues to text you just to ask you how you are and so on.

 

Is he maybe trying to see if you'll ask him out this time as he isn't sure of your own level of interest?

 

I'd go ahead and ask him out...that's just me...why not?

[laguna404]

I texted him the other day to let me know if he wants to get together again sometime, he responded "of course I want to get together. Why wouldn't you think that. Maybe Sunday if I am feeling better." he then said he would have to see "day by day". That was on thursday of this week, he ended up going to bowling with his friends his weekly thing thursday night. Yesterday he didn't mention about getting together or planning anything. We will have short text message exchanges once or twice a day. I'm started to get annoyed, with his mixed signals. I don't understand how he doesn't realize I would question his interest, when he drops off conversations in texting and is not asking to make plans. I made my interest known, but about to give up on him. If I do see him again will ask him where does he see things going with us, to be more assertive. Anything I can do to improve this?? Im going on a date with another guy tonight.

[laguna404]

I have told him repeatedly I will go to Long Island, in fact I said I could go to Long Island this monday night since I'm off and told him that I would pay for the next date.

[laguna404]

If you knew me I'm far from a gold digger, I have offered to pay on every date. I have no problem paying for dates or traveling to them. What's stopping me is I need from him a date and time to meet. I don't think its bad to see more than one person early on in dating, guys are doing it as well. Its been more than one week since last date, we've gone on only 4 dates since beginning of december.

[laguna404]

I also offered to go to Long Island a couple of weeks ago, and he said it was thoughtful, but he turned me down. I have planned some of the dates we have gone on, and he told me that he didn't mind coming to NYC, I felt bad about him traveling so far, but he's the one who suggested it.

[Jj66]

Priash seems a little bit bitter.

 

One date a week on average is kind of normal when starting out and his interest seems ok - middle of the road cautiousI interest.

 

 

But whether he is interested is almost irrelevant.

 

What is YOUR interest?

 

You don't seem excited about this guy and he lives kind of far from you. If he is shy the way you say he is then he is probably feeding back on what he perceives your level of interest.

 

 

If you are very interested then you need to let him know somehow otherwise he will just give up.

 

If you are not that interested then let him go and find someone who lives closer to you.

[laguna404]

He's the one who suggested and came to the city, I didn't make him do anything. Ive suggested to go to LI, and he says no, and then he comes to the city.

[Redhead14]

Hello, I met a guy on match.com, we've been on 3 dates. He is nice, very respectful, has insisted on paying for the dates (each time I've offered to pay), and calls me on the phone. We met like 5 weeks ago, he lives kind of far from in long island and I live in NYC. At the beginning before we went out he would not initiate text a lot, and I would and then he would respond immediately. As we've gone out(he's done the asking out) he would initiate texting more. He's told me that besides being pretty, that I have a wonderful personality and is happy that he is getting to know me. We've done kissing at the end of our dates. Our 4th date was supposed to be friday night, he mentioned on the day before was getting sick, and then friday morning said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to reschedule and didn't want to hold my night up. He texted me at like 5pm that night saying he felt terrible about canceling, and he called me that night and we talked. Last few days he's been sending good morning texts. We agreed to reschedule for dinner for wednesday night, however last night he said he didn't have plans for today earlier he said he had plans with his dad, and today I haven't heard from him at all. I initiated the texting last night with him. I feel like the connection between us is dying off, one of the phone conversations (not the last one) I felt like I was boring him. He is a shy guy he said it on his profile, and he is no longer on match he said his 3 month trial has ended. I could be wrong, but usually my gut is right about these things or I might be just impatient. Does it seem like he's losing interest?

 

This man has been progressing the dating scenario very well at this point. He's been doing what most women would hope for at 4 dates. He's consistent, respectful of your time by rescheduling on Friday morning instead of at the very last minute. He's keeping up with communication, etc. He was sick and so needs a couple of days to recover probably so not seeing him for a few days, big deal. You're getting your panties in wad because you haven't heard from him in just a day????

 

however last night he said he didn't have plans for today earlier he said he had plans with his dad, and today I haven't heard from him at all. -- So, between last night and today, he made plans with his Dad. So what? And, if he's spending time with his Dad, he should be focused on his Dad, not some girl he's only had 4 dates with.

 

You are not in a relationship with him yet, so you are not entitled to an explanation for every move he makes.

 

Get a grip on your anxiety. You might just have one who is on "your page". Have you two had a conversation about each of your overall dating goals? Is he looking for a relationship for himself? Right now, it seems he's dating you that way. Sit back a little here. Let him reach out to you again and then tell him you'd like to take him somewhere, your treat.

 

You can and should be doing some initiating now but don't go overboard, you initiate, give him the opportunity to initiate again and keep things balanced.

[laguna404]

So its interesting the guys versus perspective on this, as the guys mostly felt I was being manipulative, confused, a giant w@ore, idiot, and that I'm entitled. Those posts insulting me appear to be gone from the thread. My friends in real life thought this guy was losing interest in me because of him not setting up more plans. I would hardly say I was seeing multiple other guys, since going out with him, have only been on one other date. And I have no intention of getting rid of this this guy who has been very respectful, consistent and is a good guy. I think I just got too eager, anxious and impatient. I also think that the writing of the situation did not accurately portray what was happening, as very untrue assumptions about me have been made by others. Just to update for those who might be interested, I did ask him out more directly again, and we are going out tonight and I am traveling to Long Island and going to pay for the date. Neither of which I don't mind at all!! And I'm definitely not a gold digger, can take care of myself financially….Also I would like to do more than kisses with this guy but every date thus far the entire time has been in public, I am not holding out with this guy or trying to play games…..

[smackie9]

Shy guys are a different animal. You end up doing more of the initiating and have to be more assertive to get your needs met. It's a certain type of dynamic that can work for some.

 

I doubt very highly he is "manipulating" you or "playing games".....he's got a little anxiety issue there. A lot of people misinterpret anxiety as distant, snobbish or uninterested...but it is far from those things. They tend to over think, analyze and worry, which makes them need to go hide in their snail shell from time to time to calm their thoughts down.

 

You have to ask yourself, are you OK with wearing the pants in the relationship?? or are you the type that needs a man to be a man and take the lead?

[laguna404]

Hello, I met a guy on match.com, he's very respectful, consistent, and we have gone out on 5 dates. He has not tried to sleep with me only thing we have done is kiss. I like him but the issue is that it will be two months soon from our first date, we haven't spent a lot of time together.

 

I like spending time with me and he's told me he has enjoyed every date with me, has said i'm pretty with a great personality. I live in NYC and he lives in Long Island, an hour and half away. He doesn't like to text so we don't text much and occasionally talk on the phone. He called me up couple of days before our last date, and wanted to talk to me and see if I was okay with the slow progress of our dating, and said he didn't want to hold me back if I was looking for things to go faster. He said by no means did he want me to think that he didn't like me, he said that was not what he was saying but said that he has been "trying to wrap his head" dating someone that lived not close to him.

 

He said his previous relationships were with people who lived like 15 min away from him. He said this was one of the situations that he still worked in the city and not on Long Island. He asked me if I wanted to still date and see where it goes or just be friends, we agreed to continue to date. He said at this point in his life he is looking for a relationship, but says since he is an only child, and he lost his mother two years ago, he wants to spend every saturday with his dad, has fears of losing him and does not want to regret missed time with him.

 

He said he felt guilty when he had to cancel one date because of illness. We've seen each other Dec 2, Dec 11th, 18th, Jan 4 and Jan 17th. Last week he said maybe we would get together this weekend, and then I asked him yesterday what he was up to this weekend and he said saturday of course with his dad, and then today going to visit friends and then asked me when i was free this week. I said I was free this monday, tuesday or friday. He said lets do this friday which will be more than 2 weeks since our last date.

 

I'm concerned that we are not going to progress with a speed of seeing each other once every 2 weeks, and I do really like him he's a good guy. I told him that I'm willing to make the effort to see him, and have gone out to Long Island to see him. I get its very hard for a relationship to work with distance.

 

Any guy perspective thoughts on how I can try to make this work? and what he said, does it seem that he feels he it won't work?? Thank you.

Edited February 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hippychick3]

He sounds very lukewarm. Men rarely go from lukewarm to hot. You want someone who wants to make time for you regardless of distance. It sounds to me like he is dating others and keeping you around until someone better comes along. I suggest letting this guy go and moving on. Date others.

[laguna404]

Thank you. He ended his match.com account, he told me before he did it, he was on there for 3 months. He's very dorky and socially awkward at times, so didn't think he could be dating others. He seems nervous on the dates. Okay thank you.

[BluEyeL]

I dated someone like that and it did not get better. It looks like he's lookwarm about you and perhaps about dating in general. It sounds like he's not quite sure he wants a relationship but would like some female company as long as it's in his timeline and doesn't need to make a lot of effort.

 

I suggest either dropping him or keeping him around while you continue to date others. Some men are not players looking to sleep around but also not really at a point in their lives when they are ready for anything real. Shouldn't wait them out they are timewastees

 

With the guy I dated that was sort of like that, I talked on the phone with him and went on a date or two after we supposedly "broke up" but continued to date others until I found my current fiancée . When we became exclusive I told him we can't keep in touch anymore. We were never physical.

[ThisisIt606]

Sounds like he has a lot of baggage and he's dragging you along for the ride.

 

• He claims you're too far for him. HE'S the one who lives on long island ( the less desirable section of NYC... yet he's complaining. what does he expect?!)

 

• He lost his mom, terrible thing! However he doesn't seem to be in an emotional place to be dating as he wants to spend EVERY saturday with his dad out of fear

 

• He sounds like he's dating you bc he "should" not bc he really wants to/is in an emotional place to do so right now

 

 

You are looking at this from a good clear headed perspective. For me, this wouldn't be progressing at the speed I would like. I worry he may wake up one day and be like "yeah, you're definitely too far and I need to spend more time with family". He's very lukewarm about you.

 

Losing a parent is a horrible thing, however he seems to be putting family first right now (which is great/that's what he needs to do to heal). It's just bad timing and he doesn't seem worth your headache at the moment.

[laguna404]

Yeah from reading responses and replaying our phone conversation before our last date, it might be he's not ready to enter relationship and/or we don't have enough spark. However, I did the next day after phone conversation ask him on phone if he was looking for relationship at this point in his life and he said yes, but a year ago he would have answered no. He has been very consistent with me and has put in a lot effort and money in our dates, and I paid last time and traveled to long island, other dates he came to see me. Its so interesting I had written about this scenario on here in another thread and i got some horrible responses that were deleted because of the swear words used against me, saying that I was a gold digging $hore, and didn't deserve this guy because I didn't know if he was fully interested in me. Also I was called entitled etc. His attachment and fear of losing his dead seems to be unhealthy, understandable though, he's an only child, i however am the youngest of 5. I'm just very worn out with dating been out with 24 guys in last 14 months none of which have materialized, in fact just found out a guy from over the summer was married all along. But yeah I'll start looking at other guys to date. Sigh

[smackie9]

I'm a firm believer on having a checklist ...on the list would be accessibility and availability.

[d0nnivain]

Gently tell him point black that you would like to see him more often & talk on the phone periodically. See what he says.

[laguna404]

We are supposed to meet this friday, but I'm able to go to LI this week on tuesday asked him if we could meet as well, said no, had to sub for bowling.