Logo Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Are there clues to look for? A certain type of behavior? Some subtle questions one can ask to find out more about a person's cheating tendencies? I keep looking back at the first few dates with my ex and for the life of me I can't remember any red flags that would have clued me in. Are there any theories or correlation between attention seeking or low confidence that can be clues to help one connect the dots? I just don't have the energy to start another relationship and find out down the road that I have invested so much emotional and financially only to have it all fall apart.
Shanex Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Are you on social medias? You can learn a lot from a guy there. Scouring his pics, the date, his ex or orbiters and so on. Truth be told, it's more difficult in person and some are very good players.
Author Logo Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 Are you on social medias? You can learn a lot from a guy there. Scouring his pics, the date, his ex or orbiters and so on. Truth be told, it's more difficult in person and some are very good players. I usually don't research people online when I'm dating. We met in person not through an online site. And I didn't do that with my ex. I went in trusting her and her motives only to find out months down the road what she was up to. There were a few trivial and minor unrelated lies early on, but I saw them as white lies she used to avoid being confrontational or offensive. Maybe I should have given them more weight.
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Unless the person is wearing a sign, I don't think it's possible to ascertain from the first few dates whether someone is a cheater or even what the person's ethics are. All you can do is watch and listen. If you see secretive behavior don't stick around long enough to get hurt.
basil67 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 There's always a first time. There are people who have always been faithful to each partner and then something changes and they cheat. 1
SevenCity Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 One way is to ask if they ever cheated on someone before but that's not really appropriate for the first few dates. If they have, they will likely do it again. It's also helpful to get their insights on other people cheating. Are they horrified by it or feel that it happens sometimes? Some women are serial cheaters. Others will cheat when things aren't going well in the RL. Signs of this are low self esteem - they can't be alone so they aren't single for very long and jump from one RL to the next and usually have lined up the other person before their current RL has ended. The only thing you can do is keep an objective view and believe nothing during the honeymoon period. This has lasted 3-6 months in my experience but I've also heard it can last up to two years. The problem with insecure girls is they will be faithful as long as things are going well. Start taking them for granted and they will seek validation outside.
Author Logo Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 The problem with insecure girls is they will be faithful as long as things are going well. Start taking them for granted and they will seek validation outside. I never took her for granted. I treated her like she was the only woman I'm interested in and gave her love and affection and treated her like a lady.
grays Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 There's always a first time. There are people who have always been faithful to each partner and then something changes and they cheat. Yes!!! I was with my ex for 25 years before he cheated for the first time. I dont think he's so much a cheater as a guy who was having a hard time with difficult circumstances. It was a horrible betrayal and Ill always be angry about it, but really its not something youd see in his personality on the first few dates. And I dont think this makes him more likely to cheat in the future, maybe less bc he devestated me and our children. I always thought Id be the one if one of us were to cheat. Im more extroverted and I enjoy people and sex and affection more. I also never had as firm a moral compass. Im more likely to accept the idea of wiggle room. But in 25 years I never wandered. I was completely committed and in love w him. Its funny bc i have no doubt that a guy on the first few dates w me, if he was thinking about it would see me as a cheating risk bc of my craziness since my break up. But my guess is that thats just not in me. And after my experience w the ex Im much less likely to see wiggle room.
NoCompass Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Are there clues to look for? A certain type of behavior? Some subtle questions one can ask to find out more about a person's cheating tendencies? I keep looking back at the first few dates with my ex and for the life of me I can't remember any red flags that would have clued me in. Are there any theories or correlation between attention seeking or low confidence that can be clues to help one connect the dots? I just don't have the energy to start another relationship and find out down the road that I have invested so much emotional and financially only to have it all fall apart. In my experience, people who keep in touch with their exes have more propensity, opportunity, temptation, and incentive to cheat versus people who don't talk to their exes.
Jj66 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Anyone can cheat. Even you. You think you know what you'd do, but until you are thrust into the situation you really have no clue. People who have cheated before are more likely to cheat. So are tall people and blondes and people with certain occupations, etc. The list of things to look for is long and they are not conclusive. I just assume that anyone can cheat so I keep my eyes wide open. I also give my partner the benefit of the doubt until there is a reason other than my own insecurity to be suspicious. 1
NoCompass Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Are there clues to look for? A certain type of behavior? Some subtle questions one can ask to find out more about a person's cheating tendencies? I keep looking back at the first few dates with my ex and for the life of me I can't remember any red flags that would have clued me in. Are there any theories or correlation between attention seeking or low confidence that can be clues to help one connect the dots? I just don't have the energy to start another relationship and find out down the road that I have invested so much emotional and financially only to have it all fall apart. Girls who are addicted to social media (and the attention they get from there) and girls who have 99% guy friends vs. 1% girl friends = Red Flag for Cheating Potential.
SevenCity Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 I never took her for granted. I treated her like she was the only woman I'm interested in and gave her love and affection and treated her like a lady. I'm not sure of the backstory with your ex. But understsnd, when someone cheats it has little to do with you so don't blame yourself or think you could have done something different. Even if you are the worst guy in the world the right girl will talk to you about it or break up with you first. There are cases when someone cheats who has never done it and never will do it again but that's rare. Women seldom chest when everything is great in a RL....but some still will.
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Are there clues to look for? A certain type of behavior? Some subtle questions one can ask to find out more about a person's cheating tendencies? I keep looking back at the first few dates with my ex and for the life of me I can't remember any red flags that would have clued me in. Are there any theories or correlation between attention seeking or low confidence that can be clues to help one connect the dots? I just don't have the energy to start another relationship and find out down the road that I have invested so much emotional and financially only to have it all fall apart. Any "friends" names that she kept bringing up---whether positive or negative?
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 There's always a first time. There are people who have always been faithful to each partner and then something changes and they cheat. Exactly! A lot of cheaters don't intend nor think they'll ever cheat. One thing leads to another and it happens! 1
Author Logo Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) Anyone can cheat. Even you. You think you know what you'd do, but until you are thrust into the situation you really have no clue. I have never cheated and never will. I would much rather break up with someone than cheat on them. It's a matter of morals, values and upbringing. Edited February 19, 2017 by Logo 1
Author Logo Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 Any "friends" names that she kept bringing up---whether positive or negative? Not the I remember.
Author Logo Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 In my experience, people who keep in touch with their exes have more propensity, opportunity, temptation, and incentive to cheat versus people who don't talk to their exes. So how do you find out if they're still in touch with their exes? Obviously if there is something going on, then they are going to lie about it. So there would be no point in asking. And you can't start each relationship by snooping on the person you are dating. That would be crazy.
NoCompass Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 So how do you find out if they're still in touch with their exes? Obviously if there is something going on, then they are going to lie about it. So there would be no point in asking. And you can't start each relationship by snooping on the person you are dating. That would be crazy. You don't snoop. You ask. Directly. From the start. Before you start a relationship you explain that is your dealbreaker and ask what her position is re: keeping in touch with exes. Her reaction tells you whether you should stay away from that girl or not. Some say not really. Some say FB friends only. Some say they are platonic BFFs. Some strongly argue how there is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with 7 of their ex boyfriends, at which point you conclude they have abandonment issues or loose boundaries with the commitment. So, you do ask and then carefully decipher the reaction. If you check the cheating section of this forum, you will see more than 50% cheating happens with exes. So if you want higher probability of no-cheating, stick to the girls who have boundaries and leave exes in the past, which is a healthy reaction.
Haydn Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Frequent toilet visits. Refusal to drink a pint of lager, preferring a joyless half pint. Profuse sweating, when complimented. Switching the conversation to family and pets. Any item of clothing in Gingham.... Any of the above then run....... Seriously, how could anyone tell! Some people cheat. How about trying to enjoy the date first. Good luck. 2
Fruitee Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Well you can ask if they ever cheated and if they keep in touch with exes during first months of dating. Then if they have their old profiles still up. Do they hide their phone. Do they go out a lot and dont come back after club closes. Suddenly change how they look. Dont answer phone. When someone calls they panic. Are broke all the time even you do nothing together.
Fruitee Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 And social media. If they follow lot of men/women who also comment and like their photos.
Ronnys93 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 How can you enjoy a relationship, if you're always worried about whether someone will be a cheater? Just date people and trust until they give you reasons not to trust them. It's pretty much as simple as that. While you're at it, make sure you're being open and honest with them too. It's only fair. 1
mikeylo Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 You can't. Period. Read the infidelity board. So many cheaters have been cheating for a number of years without their spouse knowing, right under their roof. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Only the ones who are careless with social media, communication. In the end, if someone wants to keep it under wraps, he/she will until he/she gets what he/she wants.
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 I don[t think you can identify a cheater for definite, but certain personality traits can point you in the right directio the 9 Common Traits of A Serial Cheater In addition to those I think conflict avoidance is another one - instead of breaking up or telling you it isn't working and risking conflict, they end up seeking solace in the arms of another. They cannot then tell you about it, as that would risk more conflict, so they just keep cheating...
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