GoldSparkz Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 1: You can go well and still get a horrid result 2: You never know what you didn't do great so cant improve 3: You cant meet people if you are socially inept or have no talking points at all. 4: If all you experience is bad that will radiate from you and that shadow is nearly impossible to vanquish. 5 If you mind set is wrong you wont ever succeed, what the right one is I have no idea. 6: You need something tangible to make yourself attractive. Sorry to hear the date didn't go the way you wanted it to, especially after you've already invested a lot of time and effort into making it go right. Sounds like she wasn't worth your time. Agreed - don't grovel anyone for a date, you have too much self respect! To give you my perspective to the points you mentioned earlier: 1. The problem I found with dating is that you never quite know what's going on in someone else's mind, let alone their lives. Yes, I've been on many dates which in my mind were perfect, only to be told by the guy that he wanted to date other women, or I would never hear from the guy again. I put it down to simply not meeting my match, ie the type of guy who will love me for being the quirky, old soul that I am. 2. This is a tough one, because you want to contact the person to get an evaluation but it will come across too awkward, especially if they never replied to your last message. One thing dating has taught me, is to take my time and enjoy getting to know the person without putting any pressure on them or myself. If they don't mirror my enthusiasm, then I move swiftly on. 3. I would consider myself socially ept, however when I began dating I would usually talk too much, say the wrong thing or just make a compete fool out of myself. After many years of practice, I became more polished, confident and self assured. So I suspect, you may need to build up your confidence by going on more dates. You will learn to cope better if the dates fail. You learn how to move on without carrying the hurt. 4. I hear you on this one. Its difficult to not end up 'bitter' from dealing with the bad eggs. But the problem with this attitude, is that it will put the right women off. For example you could meet the right woman tomorrow, but because you're still reeling about the last bad experience, the next woman will get the wrong impression of you. Like I said in point 3, you learn from experience how to pick yourself up and not let bad experiences affect future dates. 5. Perhaps the best mindset is to just go along and enjoy yourself, have fun and don't have any expectations. Just see dating as an opportunity to meet someone new - not necessarily get a girlfriend. Obviously, there is the worry that you'll end up friend zoned, but this will only happen with the women who aren't good matches for you romantically. If you do end up FZ'd just see it as a positive - you have a new friend to hang out with and help you learn stuff about women. 6. It sounds cliché, but if I go on a date, yes I may wear a bit of make up and my best outfit, but if the dates go well and he sees the natural me and doesn't like it, he knows where the door is! The person has to like you for the good and bad. Yes you can work on yourself and your achievements to put you in a position to be ready for your match, but in my opinion, you don't have to have anything tangible to get attention from anyone. The only people you'll attract are superficial people who want to come for the ride. They'll soon be out the door when they've filled their boots. These are just my 'two cents' as they say. You have some great support on this thread by the looks of it.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 It's done. Not interested in begging people and grovelling for dates. I never suggested begging or grovelling for a date. I just wonder if you might have shut the door too quickly? There would have been no shame in saying, "If you're free some other time, give me a call" and leaving it at that. Just a suggestion.
normal person Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I never suggested begging or grovelling for a date. I just wonder if you might have shut the door too quickly? There would have been no shame in saying, "If you're free some other time, give me a call" and leaving it at that. Just a suggestion. I'd disagree, in my opinion there is shame in asking (again). He asked once, it's pretty clear what his intentions were. She avoided it. If she wanted to go out with him, she wouldn't just "check her schedule," she'd find a way to fit it in regardless of what she was doing. Even if she was busy, she'd check her schedule and then get back to him. Asking a second time would only make him look desperate and incapable of deciphering social cues. I remember back a few times where I'd get in touch with a girl and they didn't respond for a noticeably long amount of time, under circumstances which it was sort of rude. Rather than bother them again, or ask why they were being so rude, I just left it, thinking "well, there's no point in making myself look even more stupid," then moved onto the next girl and forgot about it. And then, when I wasn't expecting it, those women got back in touch with me with legitimate excuses as to why it took so long. Now imagine if I had sent a barrage of texts and phone calls asking: "Hi, did you get my earlier message? Maybe my phone's not working." "Hey, did you think about this weekend? I'm still up for it if you are." "Do you want me to pick you up? I can if getting a ride is a problem." "Kind of weird how you're not answering me." "Did I do something wrong??" Odds are she'd be so turned off by all the worrying that even if she had been indisposed and wanted to see me, she wouldn't want to after a display like that. The best thing you can do in a situation like this is to exit with as much dignity as possible. The more you retain, the better you chances of her getting back in touch with you if she ever wants to.
Author ZA Dater Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 A strange thing happened. She contacted me and said "Yes Saturday sounds fantastic". Will see how it pans out. My mind is looking at the positive but I also know I am going to have to play things differently to avoid getting the same result I always do. The big difference here is this ISNT someone from a dating site and that's a first for me.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 imagine if I had sent a barrage of texts and phone calls asking: "Hi, did you get my earlier message? Maybe my phone's not working." "Hey, did you think about this weekend? I'm still up for it if you are." "Do you want me to pick you up? I can if getting a ride is a problem." "Kind of weird how you're not answering me." "Did I do something wrong??" Odds are she'd be so turned off by all the worrying that even if she had been indisposed and wanted to see me, she wouldn't want to after a display like that. I agree, those texts do sound a bit off putting and full on. My suggestion was to be polite and leave the ball in her court, then back off. I maintain that there is nothing desperate about that. It is far more appealing than giving her an attitude about it or ignoring her, which will just come across as sulking or petty (far more off putting). This comment would only have been appropriate at the time that she said that she may already have plans. It is a moot point now. However, it might be worth considering in the future to leave his options open rather than immediately slamming the door. I understand that ZA is searching for his first relationship, and I am genuinely trying to help. This did have some potential. After all, she did like him enough to give him her real number. She may have just needed more time. Again, it was just a suggestion.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 A strange thing happened. She contacted me and said "Yes Saturday sounds fantastic". Will see how it pans out. My mind is looking at the positive but I also know I am going to have to play things differently to avoid getting the same result I always do. The big difference here is this ISNT someone from a dating site and that's a first for me. I posted before I read this. See, she just needed some time! Like you said, you didn't meet on a dating site so just take it one step at a time. She may not have even been thinking about dating, but she couldn't resist your charm. Try not to look for the negative and keep an open mind. She may be a keeper!
BaileyB Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Well this is an interesting turn of events... I hope you will learn from this that you were too quick to judge and that you should not think so negatively about women and dating. I hope it goes well for you. No matter what happens, have fun with her and learn from this opportunity!
Author ZA Dater Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 Well this is an interesting turn of events... I hope you will learn from this that you were too quick to judge and that you should not think so negatively about women and dating. I hope it goes well for you. No matter what happens, have fun with her and learn from this opportunity! Yes well in another turn of events, she has a bf so has thus cancelled the date as he (understandably) wasn't happy about it and she wants to give him a chance. I think I have arrived at a point in my life where nothing really surprises me anymore. Honestly I don't think dating is for me, its just one endless disappointment.
Author ZA Dater Posted February 24, 2017 Author Posted February 24, 2017 I showed the texts I received from her to a friend of mine and she said to me is sounds like rubbish to her, a way of getting out of the date because if she wasn't single she wouldn't have given me her number to begin with. Fair point I guess. Bottom line another disappointment.
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