Insecurities and Boundaries

[Benny21]

Hi so I have a boyfriend who is fairly younger than me I am 24 and he will be 19 in April. And we experience a lot of conflict in our relationship which I believe is somewhat a result of the age difference. He hangs out with his friends a lot more than I hang out with my friends but over time I became way more involved in his close circle than I am with mine. He gets really insecure about our relationship when I can't be with him all the time but I feel like I need space to be involved in my life because I have neglected some very important relationships that I have with other people to show him that I really care about him. We have been together for a year and four months now and that still hasn't changed even though I have asserted some boundaries. He has history with self abuse (cutting) and also is on medication for adhd (adderall) and anxiety (xanax). I love him with all my heart but there are times when we fight because I don't feel like he wants to get better or is seeking the help he needs. I have a lot to offer him in terms of support and advice but he makes me feel controlling manipulative and arrogant for sharing what I think he should do. He engages in risky behavior and makes sure to tell me about it. Which I appreciate the honesty but if I tell him I don't think something is a good idea he turns it around on me by telling me that I belittle him and want to change him. I need to stop worrying about him so much but he makes sure that I do, even going as far as leaving me thinking he's going to hurt himself when we get in bad arguements. I wish he wouldn't tell me things sometimes, but I do appreciate the honesty. It makes me feel like he trusts me but also that he gets me to worry to no end. I don't know if he relies on my worry as his way of seeing my love for him? He gets upset when I worry too much and tells me I am like a parent but at the same time makes me feel like there is nothing I can do and it is getting in the way of me feeling secure in my relationship with him. I also am constantly putting off things in my life in order to be there for him because I want him to know that I can be there for him if he needs me. How can I gain some balance back in my life without making him feel abandoned belittled or criticised? How can I help him understand and respect my boundaries without him feeling threatened or that I am trying to control him? Thanks in advance

Ben

[GoldSparkz]

Hi Ben,

 

This relationship seems to be very toxic considering you are both still very young. The extent to which your boyfriend relies on you to fulfill is emotional needs must be draining.

 

You never mentioned how long you have been together. Also does your boyfriend get any professional help for his mental health issues?

 

You mention that you are putting things off in your life in order to support him, which is sad and very dangerous considering you are at such an important stage of your life.

 

Before thinking about boundaries, if I were in your shoes, I would consider what impact this relationship is having on your life and your achievements. Is it affecting your schoolwork, employment, relationships with family and friends? If so, my advice is to ask yourself why you are putting an emotionally draining relationship over your own personal achievements? Why at such a young age have you settled with someone who you are effectively a carer for? What benefits are you getting from this relationship?

 

Due to his insecurities and other issues, it will be difficult for him to respect your boundaries. He has relied on you to fulfill him for some time (I assume), so pulling away will be difficult for him.

 

If you care for him, I would advise you to pull away from the relationship and ensure he gets the helps he needs. Also, begin to get your life back on track and don't put your life on hold any longer.

[basil67]

Sorry to say, but he's absolutely right. While your actions are well intentioned, you ARE acting like his mother. You are being controlling. You are telling him what to do and how to act. And yes, you're trying to change him. It is certainly not your place to get into arguments with him about how you think he should be behaving.

 

All that said, I don't know how you put up with him! Enforcing your personal boundaries is not about trying to make someone act in a way which you see as being right. Enforcing your boundaries is about being willing to walk away from behaviour you find unacceptable. It's about what you allow into your life.

 

In your case, you have two choices: 1. Accept him as he is and stop trying to teach/guide/change/mother him. Or 2. Tell him that his behaviour is not what you want in a partner and that you have to end the relationship.

 

These are your only choices.

[Benny21]

Hi Ben,

 

This relationship seems to be very toxic considering you are both still very young. The extent to which your boyfriend relies on you to fulfill is emotional needs must be draining.

 

You never mentioned how long you have been together. Also does your boyfriend get any professional help for his mental health issues?

 

You mention that you are putting things off in your life in order to support him, which is sad and very dangerous considering you are at such an important stage of your life.

 

Before thinking about boundaries, if I were in your shoes, I would consider what impact this relationship is having on your life and your achievements. Is it affecting your schoolwork, employment, relationships with family and friends? If so, my advice is to ask yourself why you are putting an emotionally draining relationship over your own personal achievements? Why at such a young age have you settled with someone who you are effectively a carer for? What benefits are you getting from this relationship?

 

Due to his insecurities and other issues, it will be difficult for him to respect your boundaries. He has relied on you to fulfill him for some time (I assume), so pulling away will be difficult for him.

 

If you care for him, I would advise you to pull away from the relationship and ensure he gets the helps he needs. Also, begin to get your life back on track and don't put your life on hold any longer.

 

He is the sweetest person I know I just want to help him he has been through so much and I want to show him that he deserves me. He has amazing potential but I'm not here to defend him.

We have been together for 1 year and 4 months. I really know what he needs because I took a brave step in moving in with him for 4 months to get to know the reality of it all. It ended badly And I have taken distance by moving out to my parents to get myself back on track. He has told me that he wants me to do what I need to for myself so he understands where I am coming from now and finally. He has told me that he is aware of his defense mechanisms stemming from his insecurities so he is aware of how this affects me. Today we had a good conversation and agreed to take a break for a couple weeks he knows how much we need it. I haven't been the best at expressing my frustrations about this and I am easily distracted by him on my own accord. However I want to know if he is taking this as importantly as me he has never been one to give up on us I just worry that he gives up on himself when he feels insecure. He isn't in therapy but sees a doctor about his medications every few months. I guess I want to know what I should expect out of this in reference to the age difference between us and also in the context of us being together for a good year and 4 months already and still have the same if not more care for each other. Do I really need to kind of back off and work inside my life right now? How do I really make it a point that I need quite a bit of space for a while and then assert boundaries without making him feel like that is a threat to the relationship?

[Benny21]

Sorry to say, but he's absolutely right. While your actions are well intentioned, you ARE acting like his mother. You are being controlling. You are telling him what to do and how to act. And yes, you're trying to change him. It is certainly not your place to get into arguments with him about how you think he should be behaving.

 

All that said, I don't know how you put up with him! Enforcing your personal boundaries is not about trying to make someone act in a way which you see as being right. Enforcing your boundaries is about being willing to walk away from behaviour you find unacceptable. It's about what you allow into your life.

 

In your case, you have two choices: 1. Accept him as he is and stop trying to teach/guide/change/mother him. Or 2. Tell him that his behaviour is not what you want in a partner and that you have to end the relationship.

 

These are your only choices.

 

That's good advice. I'm being too damn motherly. I should also mention that this is a gay relationship if that was vague.

[GoldSparkz]

He is the sweetest person I know I just want to help him he has been through so much and I want to show him that he deserves me

 

But without being too blunt, what has he done for you? If he deserves you, what does he do for YOU to deserve you in his life? You are obviously an amazing guy and a very caring individual, but the problem with this mentality, is that people begin to take advantage of your kind nature until you are completely drained.

 

A year and four months is not a long term relationship in my eyes so you have no obligation to dedicate so much if your life to him. Also, the fact that he is 19 may explain his dependence on you. Even though the age gap isn't huge, he is still at an age where he hasn't learnt to stand on his own two feet yet and you providing this level of support for him could be detrimental to him in the long run.

 

Its great that you've moved out to give the two of you space and it seems that he is thinking about you if he's telling you to think about yourself and your needs. I would now use this time to think about your future. Consider yourself in 10 years time when people around you have done well in their careers, brought houses and travelled the world. Considering how things are like now, do you really think that the situation is going to get any better?

 

You deserve better in my opinion.

[Benny21]

But without being too blunt, what has he done for you? If he deserves you, what does he do for YOU to deserve you in his life? You are obviously an amazing guy and a very caring individual, but the problem with this mentality, is that people begin to take advantage of your kind nature until you are completely drained.

 

A year and four months is not a long term relationship in my eyes so you have no obligation to dedicate so much if your life to him. Also, the fact that he is 19 may explain his dependence on you. Even though the age gap isn't huge, he is still at an age where he hasn't learnt to stand on his own two feet yet and you providing this level of support for him could be detrimental to him in the long run.

 

Its great that you've moved out to give the two of you space and it seems that he is thinking about you if he's telling you to think about yourself and your needs. I would now use this time to think about your future. Consider yourself in 10 years time when people around you have done well in their careers, brought houses and travelled the world. Considering how things are like now, do you really think that the situation is going to get any better?

 

You deserve better in my opinion.

 

YES thank you. I'm not ready to call it quits because I don't feel like he ignores any of this. I've been in 3 really deep relationships and he has that potential among other amazing qualities I've never found in anyone else before. He has really helped me see my own beauty strengths and potential we just have a hard time merging our lifestyles which I can imagine takes quite a bit of time for any relationship anyway. I am his first real relationship and I hate hurting people. But I'm not afraid to leave him if I have to and he knows that and does so much to understand me better. But definitely im going to use this time I have away now to consider my own future regardless of whether or not he's in it and see if he rises to the occasion. Im not going to hold off any more of my much needed personal time for him but I don't want to be abrasive to his needs. I guess I just need to hear if I have accurate perspective on this to continue my plan to take care of myself but still keep him around. I really need to stop trying to change him. We have been through some hard times together and made it through consistently better people not giving up who we are. We've made a genuine positive difference in each other. Its a time management problem I think but I've been told by others that I do way more for the relationship than he does but I always assumed it was because he doesn't really know better. I guess I haven't known how much I should invest myself into this at first and also at this time of my life he makes me feel old and God I know that I'm only waiting for him to catch the hell up. I think I will just give it a loose timeframe and see where we land with each other when I get back on my feet. I really try to guide him too much.

[basil67]

OK, I have one more option to add to the 1. stay and accept or 2. leave.

 

It is 3; Define your boundaries, explain them to your partner and communicate the consequences if your boundaries are breached.

 

What boundaries would you like to see put in place? If those boundaries are breached, what action will you take?

[Benny21]

OK, I have one more option to add to the 1. stay and accept or 2. leave.

 

It is 3; Define your boundaries, explain them to your partner and communicate the consequences if your boundaries are breached.

 

What boundaries would you like to see put in place? If those boundaries are breached, what action will you take?

I have a really hard time when he tells me he will do something that I know isn't a good idea because I have experience with doing those things ie he's into the rave scene and has friends that don't have his best interests at heart that can get him into dangerous situations whether that be physiological or mentally unstable. I am left with his bad mood swings. So this week I told him I dont want to be around him anymore when he comes off of the drugs or has no energy to be there for me because it's not fair to me and he took it like I am making him lose his friends and be responsible and quit having fun when that's not the case at all I just told him I cant be around to deal with his moodiness and that we need to take a break for him to do what he wants to do and for me to do what I need to do. And at this point I'm telling him I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have there health As a priority and he accepted that and apologised and didn't end up going out. Is he going to resent me for this? Again I've experienced that life and occasionally dabble myself but I have it in check and he is still exploring which is find I understand his age that way but is he just going to feel like I am holding him back that way cause he puts that on me a lot when I'm just trying to help him be smarter about it. I told him He may need to learn those things for himself but I'm not going to be around to pick up the pieces for him. I'm pretty clear straighforward about my boundaries.

[Benny21]

OK, I have one more option to add to the 1. stay and accept or 2. leave.

 

It is 3; Define your boundaries, explain them to your partner and communicate the consequences if your boundaries are breached.

 

What boundaries would you like to see put in place? If those boundaries are breached, what action will you take?

The spacial boundaries are what confuse me. He can't deal with me being away for too long and finds something to fight about to get my attention. And I've brought that up to him and he knows that it's not a good way to get my attention it only pisses me off to the point of me drawing a boundary. I guess I am learning what my boundaries are with people in general through him and so I learn a lot about myself with him. But what kinds of behavior are dangerous for me to exhibit in this kind of relationship as far as I am personally concerned?

[Benny21]

I appreciate this so much you guys

[mikeylo]

But without being too blunt, what has he done for you? If he deserves you, what does he do for YOU to deserve you in his life? You are obviously an amazing guy and a very caring individual, but

the problem with this mentality, is that people begin to take advantage of your kind nature until you are completely drained.

 

^^^this

 

When you are drained out completely and get up and finally leave , it means you have reached your breaking point.

 

But hey , you tried and gave your all and can move on without regrets. That is the only advantage.

[GoldSparkz]

But what kinds of behavior are dangerous for me to exhibit in this kind of relationship as far as I am personally concerned?

 

I find it sad that you have to ask this question - there is NO dangerous behaviour coming from you! You said it yourself, that your boyfriend is manipulating you to get your attention. So when you walk away, he finds something to argue about to bring you back. Isn't this a definition of a toxic relationship? In my opinion, a relationship should just flow or fit you like a comfortable shoe - as they say.

 

Your behaviour, while not being dangerous - is almost feeding his insecurities. You get your satisfaction by supporting him. Do you really think you can focus on your own life, while still keeping him as a boyfriend, who depends on you for emotional stability? You also say that you had other LTRs, where they with people of a similar nature to your current boyfriend? Is there a pattern emerging? Did they end well?

 

Like Basil has said, identify your boundaries and stick to them. You have a better understanding of the relationship than anyone else

[basil67]

Sure, he might resent you or think you are holding him back when you tell him that you don't want to be around when he's been using drugs. But how he feels isn't your problem.

 

I noticed that you mentioned his potential. It's not wise to date people for their potential. Always pin your decisions on who the person is now - not who they might become.

 

Somewhere earlier your asked about what to expect with the age difference. Your guy sounds like he's functioning like a teenager with ADHD. Is he going to college or working? Can he apply himself to the requirements of work or education?

[Benny21]

Thank you I'm going to keep everything you guys said in mind for the next little while I think that it's destined for a big long break because I'm fed up with the dynamic and I am caring to much about his well being instead of mine. I think it's inevitable that I play a parental role for him with where he's at now in life and I just have to decide how and when to approach this directly. I'm gonna take a couple of weeks to think so I really appreciate the time and concern from the both of you

[GoldSparkz]

Good luck Ben x