indyboy362 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Me: 26M Her: 24F Been together nearly 1.5 years. Last night she facetimes me at 4 AM and says in a lighthearted manner that she can't sleep well at all and needs to talk to me for a bit. I said okay and began talking with her to get her mind off of stuff. She's taking the LSAT this Saturday, so I asked her questions about it since I knew nothing about it. She deflected every question and said she just wanted to talk about something else. I then began asking other questions, like "what're you up to on sunday/monday, would you like to hang out on sunday, I can come visit you" (she lives 2 hours away). I asked her because I figured she would want to relax and blow some steam after her LSAT. She said "No, I do not want to" without any reasoning behind it. I was a little hurt by that remark so I asked said "Why not?" a few times, but she deflected every time and threw a fit because she thought I was being selfish and thinking that everything was about me, and that I should be comforting her right now without any regard to my own feelings. I argued that I'm still a human being and that her remark wasn't nice, but she wouldn't reason with me at all and instead was attacking me. I hung up. She called me back immediately, and cried for 10 min straight without saying a word. I was thinking she just wanted me to give in and cater to her needs. She eventually said that she's been so stressed about the LSAT and I needed to cater to her and disregard my feelings entirely. First of all, I just found out she's taking the LSAT 3 days ago(She didn't tell me until now for some reason). Second of all, she's expressed to me nothing about her feelings toward the LSAT, so I had no idea she could possibly be that distressed about it. She had called me initially in a very lighthearted manner, so I'm thinking she just made up her her high stress for the LSAT just to get attention in that moment. At this point, she's extremely rattled up and still crying. She then tells me "I just want to tell you so you know that I'm going to call my ex because you can't comfort me right now, and he was always good at it". This comment hurt me, and made me feel like I'm not even good enough for her. I'll admit I'm not great at calming people down, it's hard for me to know what they really need. But I was trying my best to make sure she was okay once I found out how distressed she was. And even if it was fake for attention, I still felt like I had to be there for her. She expressed that whatever I was doing was not enough still and she was definitely going to call him. However, eventually I told her some of my life stories as a kid, and she calmed down and fell asleep soon after. But now I am completely puzzled because she actually wanted to call her ex to calm her down. Is that even okay? They don't talk at all, and they dated 2.5 years when she was in college. After I calmed her down It was around 6 AM and I confronted her about her ex but she said that she really needed to calm down and he was the only person she could call at the time since he wakes up at 6 AM and her friends don't. We weren't getting anywhere, so I said let's talk about this tomorrow, I'm really tired. She said "no, we talk about this now or never again. I refuse to talk about this in the future". This makes me think that she's deflecting and is hiding something and does not want to help with a problem that I have. Eventually I said it's okay, and went to sleep(it was not fine at all, but I was dead tired). To me it feels like a stab in the back, but in her situation she was potentially stressed out due to the LSAT this Saturday. What do you guys think? Are her actions justifiable at all?
basil67 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 "Attention seeking drama queen" is the phrase which comes to mind. Has she always been this way or is it a recent thing? 6
bluefeather Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 No, that is not ok at all and would definitely be enough for me to end it right there. 2
Author indyboy362 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 "Attention seeking drama queen" is the phrase which comes to mind. Has she always been this way or is it a recent thing? She actually has never been this way before. She's very low-maintenance.
todreaminblue Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 (edited) Her actions aren't justifiable by what you have written.....at all..no way shape or form...i dont care how up-set she was .......i only know your side of the story but if what you write is precise and honest no....she has no right to say that or do that......saying you were being selfish was wrong too..your feelings count just as much as hers do...she cant disregard your feelings because she has it rough.....people who love each other dont disregard their partners feelings on any issues....good or bad.... i woudl question the 2 and half years no contact .....with her ex.....apparently he wakes up at 6 in the morning still after two and half years...she sounds sure of that did she? either she is trying to manipulate you into feeling you are going to lose her.....or she is in contact with him.....she sounds like she avoids things she doesnt want to answer....when you were actually trying to be supportive.. that to me in my personal experience,points to deceit and dishonesty..lies in other words that she just isnt telling you everything that is upsetting her........when i avoid confrontation......i can be convinced to talk about it with my partner..if anyone were to really know me it is the guy i am with....otherwise i normally face really trying stuff on my own..because i have a habit of protecting and defending the ones i love anyway...on both sides...i dont want to be a burden on someone elses stress levels.......keeps me pretty quiet about problems i have...until i just about explode..and i cant handle it by myself or prayers arent working............because i prefer honesty in my relationships i bite the bullet and im honest,,,,,,even when i know i have to face questions.......or face the why deb why didnt you just tell me question.... i am friends and in contact with my exes...if i was with a guy any comfort...i would want from him ...not my exes...and i am close to them....my last ex actually wants em to call him if i am troubled...i dont really..unless it is with the kids...even then i am likely to keep it to me handling the girls issues on my own...i have had a major happening over the past two weeks with my oldest girl....and i dealt with it and i comforted him as he is going through a break up of his own and is quite low........i care for him...and his feelings even though i am no longer with him...thats what i mean op...feelings should be respected.....i think it is simply to be human to be considerate of others......i dont think what id do is anything special or out of the ordinary ....so ...i think you really need to talk to your gf and work some stuff out.....i think there's trouble under the surface of her words to you...and her attitude.... you need to know ....trouble is either already there or about to be a really big storm.......so dont delay talking....needs to be done...and i wish you all the best of luck op...deb i Edited February 18, 2017 by todreaminblue 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 She actually has never been this way before. She's very low-maintenance. Eh? Your previous threads about her contradicts the above. This is the same girl who doesn't fill you in on important life events or illnesses? The same one who didn't mind making your relationship an open relationship? OP, you need a reality check. There has been trouble brewing for some time with this one. This latest incident only supports the fact that you two are headed in a bad direction. 1
Author indyboy362 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 Eh? Your previous threads about her contradicts the above. This is the same girl who doesn't fill you in on important life events or illnesses? The same one who didn't mind making your relationship an open relationship? OP, you need a reality check. There has been trouble brewing for some time with this one. This latest incident only supports the fact that you two are headed in a bad direction. In my eyes she's very low maintenance. I don't have to worry about much with her, except once in a while she can get emotional like this. Maybe PMS? But I think you could be right and that I may have been a little blinded. This is my first relationship, and it's hard for me to deal with a problem about her, and stand up for it because I just don't want to break up. Problems happen, and I lean toward her side usually. Honestly I'm afraid to be single again.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 In my eyes she's very low maintenance. I don't have to worry about much with her, except once in a while she can get emotional like this. Maybe PMS? But I think you could be right and that I may have been a little blinded. This is my first relationship, and it's hard for me to deal with a problem about her, and stand up for it because I just don't want to break up. Problems happen, and I lean toward her side usually. Honestly I'm afraid to be single again. No, this isn't PMS. This is manipulation. The way she is treating you is unacceptable, and this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. You should not be so afraid to be single that you tolerate her terrible behaviour; she is immature and playing with your heart and feelings. Hang on if you want but this isn't going to end well for you. She's already got one foot out the door, based on this and your previous threads. Do you really think this crap is the best you can do? 2
lolablue17 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Honestly I'm afraid to be single again This is the worst reason to stay in a relationship. the bad news is that she's probably knows it, and feels your weakness. That's why she allow herself to do everything and say everything because you will never leave. You should wait until her test, and then have a talk with her. If she wants to call her ex because he is the one who knows how to comfort her, maybe she needs to go back and be his girlfriend. Why settle for only a phone call? What about sex? I've heard that sex is a great comfort when you are stressed. You don't cut everything because she said something out of tense, but you surely want to clear things with her. Don't stay if she's not 100% into you. 1
Author indyboy362 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 This is the worst reason to stay in a relationship. the bad news is that she's probably knows it, and feels your weakness. That's why she allow herself to do everything and say everything because you will never leave. You should wait until her test, and then have a talk with her. If she wants to call her ex because he is the one who knows how to comfort her, maybe she needs to go back and be his girlfriend. Why settle for only a phone call? What about sex? I've heard that sex is a great comfort when you are stressed. You don't cut everything because she said something out of tense, but you surely want to clear things with her. Don't stay if she's not 100% into you. Yeah I'm playing it cool until after she takes her LSAT. It'd be pretty devastating to talk about this the night before the test. I'm pretty sure she's going to say "No I told you I'm not talking about this anymore, It's done." She's going to refuse, in which case I believe I will talk about breaking up with her. What she did was not okay. There were actually suspicions early in our relationship where I thought she still had feelings for her ex. Actually there were multiple occasions where I was sure, but I brushed them off. I think this might be the last straw.
GoldSparkz Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Are you sure she is actually taking her LSATs? Did you mention something similar in another thread? Sounds to me like she's begging for your attention because of her insecurities. Especially with the calling her ex thing...and telling you before she does it. If you join the dots, you will see that she's manipulating you - like the other posters have said. I say be strong and let her know that you're not going to play any more of her silly games. And don't accept anymore calls from her at 4am because you need your sleep!
Author indyboy362 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 Are you sure she is actually taking her LSATs? Did you mention something similar in another thread? Sounds to me like she's begging for your attention because of her insecurities. Especially with the calling her ex thing...and telling you before she does it. If you join the dots, you will see that she's manipulating you - like the other posters have said. I say be strong and let her know that you're not going to play any more of her silly games. And don't accept anymore calls from her at 4am because you need your sleep! I'm sure that she is taking the LSAT tomorrow now since her mom walked in her room today while we were facetiming and gave her tips on how to prepare for the test.
lolablue17 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 I'm pretty sure she's going to say "No I told you I'm not talking about this anymore, It's done." She's going to refuse, in which case I believe I will talk about breaking up with her. If she refuses to talk about that, don't talk about breaking up with her. Just stand up and walk away with silence. Let her be chasing after you and if she doesn't, there you got you approval that she's not really into you. When she sees you have balls, she will appreciate you double. There were actually suspicions early in our relationship where I thought she still had feelings for her ex. Actually there were multiple occasions where I was sure, but I brushed them off. I think this might be the last straw. If you present it like that, I would say that there's a big chance she cheated on you at some point. That can explain her words. She couldn't of course admit it, but something slipped out of her mouse in a moment of anger, which revealed that something is probably going on, much more than you know.
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 She actually has never been this way before. She's very low-maintenance. She's very low-maintenance -- People who always seem calm and in control all the time, are the ones who eventually blow up and get out of control because they are actually ineffective communicators and push down/hold in all their emotions and never talk about things that bother or worry them. That's immature emotional development. You tell her to go ahead and call her Ex and that she now has another Ex. 1
goldway90 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 She then tells me "I just want to tell you so you know that I'm going to call my ex because you can't comfort me right now, and he was always good at it". You're done, she still has feeling for him. Also remember he's good at other things too, i wouldn't be surprised if they'll have sex after another fight. End this relationship, don't be a doormat. 1
fireflywy Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 That was a relationship extortion... a BIG one. Kick her to the curb and walk. 2
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 (edited) Definitely not PMS. Stress does funny things to people, but this is more than that. She is all drama and if you stay with her, you can expect more drama in your future. It's your decision... What do you want for your life? Edited February 18, 2017 by BaileyB
Mrin Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Life is too short to be in relationships with drama queens/kings 1
Tressugar Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 What a kick in the head! You never say this to anyone. Sorry dude! 1
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 I think I know what's going on.....she's been talking to her ex behind your back, now she is feeling confused. She's testing you to see if you would step up to the plate and be loving and supportive without her coaxing you...but since you weren't, she started giving you little pushes and still nothing, now in her little pea brain she's starting to think you don't care enough for her like her ex so she emotionally blackmails you by saying that. Dude, something very bad is going on.....when they pull a 180 like that, that means someone else is pulling her in the other direction and I believe it's her ex. 3
Art.at.Heart Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Pretty much what everyone else in this thread is saying. Somethings not right here and - whether you want to admit it or not - this will bother you going forward. Anytime shes upset in the future, you're going to start putting pressure on yourself to say the "right things" in an attempt to keep her from running to her ex. It should never be like that in a healthy relationship. Which leads me to a question, what is with this recent (at least to me it is) thing among relationships with one of the partners needing all of these special methods to have someone make them feel better or "calm them down"? I've seen it and unfortunately had to experience it. It makes no sense to me.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 I think I know what's going on.....she's been talking to her ex behind your back, now she is feeling confused. She's testing you to see if you would step up to the plate and be loving and supportive without her coaxing you...but since you weren't, she started giving you little pushes and still nothing, now in her little pea brain she's starting to think you don't care enough for her like her ex so she emotionally blackmails you by saying that. Dude, something very bad is going on.....when they pull a 180 like that, that means someone else is pulling her in the other direction and I believe it's her ex. I'm following, smackie9. I was thinking something like this. I also believe that she's been in contact with her ex. OP, her threat to go to her ex for comfort is a reuse. She's already done that. She is now testing you. My ex did something like this to me. Except, as far as I know, she didn't follow through. It didn't matter. I gave her NO second chance for pulling something like that on me. I don't know if you two had the 'boundaries' talk, but I did with my ex and she thought she could manipulate me with it. SHE WAS DEAD WRONG. Now my ex is struggling to deal with the collapse of our relationship. People like her are manipulators. They won't change.
Author indyboy362 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 I've mulled it over and I can definitely agree now that she is indeed a manipulator, and has been over our relationship. I found some facts online about manipulators and she does exactly these: -Your partner frequently diminishes your feelings and makes you feel like are overreacting -Your partner blames you for their bad behavior -Your partner refuses to explain themselves, and often claims 'you wouldn't understand' -Your partner will briefly change their ways when you are about to leave Also my entire lifestyle has changed with her in my life. I barely hangout with my friends, she doesn't like them that much. She checks my phone everytime we hangout to make sure I'm not doing anything stupid. This causes me to filter so much when I'm talking with my friends, to the point that I contact them wayyy less.
Author indyboy362 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 I think I'll be breaking up with her today or tomorrow. It really sucks in my mind, I've never loved anyone more than her, but what she did was not freaking okay. I have to draw the line somewhere instead of just taking her side all the time.
Author indyboy362 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 Do you guys suggest I still be friends with her? I still care about her a lot and her well being. There's a lot of things I know about her that nobody else does. I'd like to check in on her once in a while. Or I'm thinking go no contact for a long time until I'm healed and then reach out? Not sure.
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