Author DMVeep Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 Unless the two of you decide to become exclusive you are single and can do what ever you want. After I met my current GF I continued to date for 3+ months...until I realized one day that I had something special and it wasn't worth the risk of losing her. I also had plenty of chances to fool around since then but I didn't. When you find a good thing you will know it...and then you will do the right thing. I feel like I probably have a good thing, like 90% sure. I think it's just going to take a little longer to be confident about it. My goal is not to have multiple sexual relationships, I would never do that for a variety of reasons. How often did you see your GF initially?
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 If you are in the US, then multidating is accepted, but in other countries and cultures multi-dating will often be viewed as cheating...
Jj66 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 How do you suggest putting those thoughts of the perfect person to rest? The easiest way is to marry her. I married the perfect person. Many years of hell and a bitter divorce convinced me to change my way of thinking.
Author DMVeep Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 If you are in the US, then multidating is accepted, but in other countries and cultures multi-dating will often be viewed as cheating... Interesting, she is actually European, but there doesn't seem to be many cultural differences between Western Europe and the US. English is a second language to her so things are a little rough there at times, which was my only other concern with her up to this point.
Author DMVeep Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 I do feel like we have a connection and if I told her I wanted to see others still it wouldn't end well. That being said, would I have to tell her? By this, I meant is this something that needs to be addressed if I'm not asked about it.
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Interesting, she is actually European, but there doesn't seem to be many cultural differences between Western Europe and the US. English is a second language to her so things are a little rough there at times, which was my only other concern with her up to this point. Plenty cultural differences between Western Europe and the US. I would guess multi-dating is probably not something she is familiar with, nor expecting, unless she has been in the US for some time. The UK would seem like a place that would be very similar to the States but dating there is more about finding a relationship and multi-dating is not popular.
dumbass2 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 I don't think 4 dates is enough to know one way or another if she's the one. That stuff takes time. Me personally, I don't agree with multi dating nor do I take to it to well, especially if there's sex involved. I'm old fashioned in if you want to give it a chance then you can spend a month or two with me, get to know me. I don't take well to being a number. That's a quick way to make me walk away.... But like I said, I'm old fashioned. Some people are okay multi dating and sleeping around. You need to talk to her. Find out how she feels about it now before you get to deep. If she's okay with it then you have an understanding. If she's not, you have to make a choice. At my age, once sex is involved I'm all in and she should be as well, so unless it was totally horrible and we back off after it, we proceed full speed ahead. That's how my last relationship started. Lots of foreplay beforehand, but after a month and it went beyond foreplay, then we both expressed we are only seeing and talking with each other. Met her on a dating site.
Leigh 87 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 I've been on the other end of the stick where i would date one guy who I would later discover was multi dating. The obvious signs where him flaking on me - one minute he's all over me like a rash and the next he's disappeared from the face of the earth. It was like a never ending cycle until I said enough was enough. So the issue I find with multi dating is that the person who's doing it is never satisfied because they feel there is someone more attractive than the person they are dating, regardless of how good of a match that person is. Some times I wish the older generation played a part in our match making as they understood the importance of a person's values over the superficial things. The OP mentioned the lady's looks stating that she was not the most attractive woman he had dated, so I suspect he is not satisfied with her looks despite the fact that she is a good match. If I were in this position, I would date her and only her for longer to see whether the chemistry develops and her looks are no longer a sticking point. The problem with OLD is that there's too much choice, so we will never be satisfied. I'm not the most attractive girl my bf has dated or been with. He still knew we had made a connection and didn't have room in his mind or heart to even be open to other women since the day we met.
Author DMVeep Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) I'm not the most attractive girl my bf has dated or been with. He still knew we had made a connection and didn't have room in his mind or heart to even be open to other women since the day we met. I'm not sure what's wrong with wanting to go out with one more woman. If multi dating is acceptable in the culture we are dating in, shouldn't that be fine then? I'm not trying to have a sexual/intimate relationship with multiple people, just meet and talk. I'm thinking it could confirm that we do have an excellent connection after all. Edited February 19, 2017 by DMVeep
Chilli Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) lf it was me l'd be thinking although with the goods she's still not quite doing it for me if l'm thinking l want to see others . Somethings not enough with her bc believe me when it is , you don't care about anyone else especially this early in. Unfortunately you've found a great women but regardless, she just doesn't quite do it for ya.. Edited February 19, 2017 by Chilli
Author DMVeep Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) lf it was me l'd be thinking although with the goods she's still not quite doing it for me if l'm thinking l want to see others . Somethings not enough with her bc believe me when it is , you don't care about anyone else especially this early in. Unfortunately you've found a great women but regardless, she just doesn't quite do it for ya.. Do you think early on it's wrong to question whether or not this is right, even though things are going well by every measure? I've never dated a foreign woman so it does concern me that things won't work out, I'm in uncharted territory. Like I initially said, I'm intentionally being critical as I really want to get it right this time. However, I think it's easy to be too critical as well as no one is perfect. I also can't help but wonder if I'm a little scared about getting really close with someone again so early. If I wasn't interested in her, I wouldn't have went on 4 dates so quickly. However, she went out of town for a vacation and it gave me some time to think and unfortunately overthink things. My gut feeling is I shouldn't pursue other options still, but last time I was dating I felt like I settled for my previous gf because I got so burned out with dating. I hate feeling like there is this pressure after just a few dates to commit to the person. I wanted to challenge that mentality this time around to be sure. Edited February 19, 2017 by DMVeep
Chilli Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) l think it's smart, but Tbh the way you put that actually sounds more like your brain and caution, fears, stepping in than any real interest in seeing others. Don't worry, we all have subconscious fears. Personally l usually regret ignoring my gut in anything. Although it does sound like your a little bit concerned about your long term attraction to her though. And that also you wouldn't mind your freedom for a bit longer yet. But, the gut is the gut, give it a few more wks, see what happens. But try to remove any pressure. Couple of things. Why does the foreign thing worry you, culturally or? My gf is Italian and somehow just about everything l love about her is because she's Italian. Also some of the bits that drive me a bit crazy too haha. But one other thing. Anytime l've ever met a serious gf , even my ex wife, l subconsciously threw everything and the kitchen sink at it, and came up with all sorts of bs as to why l should get out while l still can but l realized as l got older, l was subconsciously scared and looking for a way out, even testing her too. My Italian went through a lot of my bs to start but she stuck around with the guts l realized l subconsciously look for and respect, before l dive in. And so did my ex wife when we first met. Edited February 19, 2017 by Chilli
Whodatdog Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Ive always felt that is the definition of dating. Not being exclusive, dating people, not a person. Dating someone for 2 weeks isnt a very long time at all. If you are looking for someone to actually settle down with, you need to broaden your horizons. It would be far worse to assume exclusivity, then meet someone next month that you're really interested in dating, but are then afraid to because you are exclusive to someone else. Just be honest with the people you are seeing. You are single. Use that time to find the right person for you. It might not be this girl, or the second or third girl you date. You will probably know when you meet the person you want to be with. Or you may date this girl for another month or so, date others as well, and then realize this girl you are seeing now is the right one for you. If you dont keep your options open, you wont know. I am a big advocate of dating around. That way you should know when you find the right one. You may be surprised who you end up with, but if you dont look, you wont know. 2
SoleMate Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Some relationship writers advise that you should make sure to meet at least 30 potential partners when searching for a lifetime mate. Otherwise, you're selecting from too small a sample. The only way I'd suggest closing down a search now is if you were head over heels and convinced she was the one, and she was likewise. Then you could date exclusively for 1 year (minimum) including meeting friends and family and learning all about her in context. If everything were still a Go, then marriage would be advised. Another way to look at it: How would you feel under the following circumstances? * If you find out she is multi-dating? * Telling her that you're multi-dating? If you're comfortable with both of the above, then I see no real issue in going ahead.
Whodatdog Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) Do you think early on it's wrong to question whether or not this is right, even though things are going well by every measure? I've never dated a foreign woman so it does concern me that things won't work out, I'm in uncharted territory. Like I initially said, I'm intentionally being critical as I really want to get it right this time. However, I think it's easy to be too critical as well as no one is perfect. I also can't help but wonder if I'm a little scared about getting really close with someone again so early. If I wasn't interested in her, I wouldn't have went on 4 dates so quickly. However, she went out of town for a vacation and it gave me some time to think and unfortunately overthink things. My gut feeling is I shouldn't pursue other options still, but last time I was dating I felt like I settled for my previous gf because I got so burned out with dating. I hate feeling like there is this pressure after just a few dates to commit to the person. I wanted to challenge that mentality this time around to be sure. Its not about finding the perfect person. No one is perfect. Its about finding that person that "does it" for you. The one you think about all the time, the one you can't imagine living with out. Its not about looks, its about the feelings. In my experience, when a guy finds the woman for him, he doesnt even want to date other women. He's happy with what he has. He's afraid to lose what he has. I dont think you've found that person yet. Dont settle. It will end up badly for you and her. Edited February 19, 2017 by Whodatdog 1
Otter2569 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 I feel like I probably have a good thing, like 90% sure. I think it's just going to take a little longer to be confident about it. My goal is not to have multiple sexual relationships, I would never do that for a variety of reasons. How often did you see your GF initially? We got together 2 times a week. Keep in we are older and have kids from our first marriage pus I was getting other stuff on the side. At some point, I woke up and cut out the other women. I was not looking for a relationship but recognized a great thing. I dont think you are ever 100% sure. Give it time, go at your won pace and don't give up on a good thing .
Author DMVeep Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 Some relationship writers advise that you should make sure to meet at least 30 potential partners when searching for a lifetime mate. Otherwise, you're selecting from too small a sample. The only way I'd suggest closing down a search now is if you were head over heels and convinced she was the one, and she was likewise. Then you could date exclusively for 1 year (minimum) including meeting friends and family and learning all about her in context. If everything were still a Go, then marriage would be advised. Another way to look at it: How would you feel under the following circumstances? * If you find out she is multi-dating? * Telling her that you're multi-dating? If you're comfortable with both of the above, then I see no real issue in going ahead. Traditionally, when I meet someone I like, I tend to move things forward relatively quickly and interest has been mutual. I asked my last two gf's if they were dating anyone else after a month or so, but I did it more out of obligation as I knew the answer would be no. That strategy wasn't necessarily successful or I wouldn't be single again. Maybe there isn't much difference between multi dating and dating one person on a short leash. Based on the responses here, telling her I am multidating could cause her to lose interest or kill the momentum. Given that it's only been two weeks, it's hard to imagine that conversation coming up soon though. I'd hate to kill the momentum but it's also hard to determine the degree of compatibility yet. I honestly never put much thought into my partners multidating. I don't know if that is ever something you want to think about. I could certainly see how that would be a huge turnoff. The idea of going on more awkward first dates or dealing with OLD flakes isn't necessarily attractive either. If she told me she wanted to continue dating others, it would feel unpleasant but understandable. It would probably leave me confused.
Author DMVeep Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 Just be honest with the people you are seeing. You are single. Use that time to find the right person for you. It might not be this girl, or the second or third girl you date. You will probably know when you meet the person you want to be with. How can you be honest without killing the momentum? I am really excited to see her again. I can't help but be afraid of screwing it up.
Author DMVeep Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 Couple of things. Why does the foreign thing worry you, culturally or? My gf is Italian and somehow just about everything l love about her is because she's Italian. Also some of the bits that drive me a bit crazy too haha. . I do find her foreign nature to be really attractive actually. She is super cute and her accent and mannerisms are intoxicating. Her personality is also very refreshing. I dont know why I'm fighting the feeling. 1
Author DMVeep Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 In my experience, when a guy finds the woman for him, he doesnt even want to date other women. He's happy with what he has. He's afraid to lose what he has. After our first date I was really excited. I had another date with another woman two days later and it felt very flat in comparison. I guess in a way I feel obligated to keep exploring options even if it results in me coming back to the same girl. I hate to do this, but I liken it to shopping. I was at the store looking for a new coat. I almost instantly found the coat that fulfilled what I was looking for and I ended up buying, but not before examining and trying on many different coats to the point where it became a stressful experience. Sometimes I wonder, as others have stated, if the paradox of choice with OLD is actually a bad thing. Instead of just being happy with a mate that fullfills your needs, you agonize over the possibility of a better option. In the process, possibly passing over great people right in front of you. I'm leaning towards focusing on this girl for a couple weeks. If things don't pan out, at least I know there are plenty of eligible bachelorettes still out there. 3
smackie9 Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 ya what's a couple of weeks of your time just focusing on one person.... When I multi dated I had dates lined up BUT if it went past a second or third date, I cancelled the other dates and focused on the one. The only reason why I had dates lined up was that the majority of dates sucked/no attraction, so it was onto the next.
Author DMVeep Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 ya what's a couple of weeks of your time just focusing on one person.... When I multi dated I had dates lined up BUT if it went past a second or third date, I cancelled the other dates and focused on the one. The only reason why I had dates lined up was that the majority of dates sucked/no attraction, so it was onto the next. Yeah, you are right. Isn't the point of multi dating just to fast track finding that spark in a person who isn't a flake?
Chilli Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 (edited) After our first date I was really excited. I had another date with another woman two days later and it felt very flat in comparison. Ahh , this is telling you all you need to think about right now, go with it for awhile before she rides off into the sunset with someone else. Edited February 22, 2017 by Chilli
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