Why do people say dating isn't complicated?

[Pinhead Larry]

From my perspective dating is the most complicated thing in the world. I could learn how to start a business and become successful before I learn how to attract women in the dating world.

 

To attract a girl (or guy in some cases) you don't have to be perfect but you better be

 

1)Attractive

2)Have an insanely great personality and be very good at socializing

3)Rich and or have a great status

 

If you do not have these then you will have a very hard time. To make it even worse and this happens to men and women, if you're the wrong height. They aren't interested. Wrong body type you're out. Some people only like a specific race or not attracted to your race so you lose again. So with all these variables that can make someone interested or not you really have a low chance at getting anyone unless decide to just get with someone just so you won't be lonely and that's why divorce happens.

 

So I never understood how people try to tell me dating is easy when it's really one of the hardest things to do on this planet. It pretty much has to do what you're born with or just flat out luck and some people are very very very unlucky.

[carhill]

We all have differing experiences, skillsets, and genetics and view whatever the particular milieu is through the lens of our own life based on that confluence. If dating is easy, it's easy. If not, not. Some folks will work to 'walk a mile' in anothers shoes and that's admirable. However, even that walk is done with one's own feet having walked one's own path.

 

What I've noticed, after many years on this forum and having seen both sides of the dating realm, the excruciating and depressing as well as relative ease, and having been married and divorced, is that the guys (I'm a guy) who are going through the can't get a date to save their life stage mostly ignore me. However, they do seem to relish in fighting with those who state dating is uncomplicated and everyone should have it easy and why don't they. I guess that's how life goes.

 

 

IDK how old you are but when I was young I couldn't get dating right to save my life. The real cruelty was that I let that failure define me. I did it to myself Yeah, I can laugh about it now that I have decades of life under the bridge and can see with clearer eyes what is important and valuable and defining personally. For some people, dating and romance is very important. If that's you, stick with it, learn and it'll come.

[TheAntiHero]

First of all, NOBODY says this, that dating is easy.

 

Men and women are more divided now than they ever were: women have feminism telling them they don't need men and men are going their own way with MGTOW.

 

Whoever told you this is dating a carrot.

[Weezy1973]

First of all, NOBODY says this, that dating is easy.

 

Men and women are more divided now than they ever were: women have feminism telling them they don't need men and men are going their own way with MGTOW.

 

Whoever told you this is dating a carrot.

 

80% of adults are in relationships which means that dating, in fact, must be quite easy seeing as most people have succeeded.

 

Dating is not easy for some people though. What you have to figure out OP is why dating isn't easy for YOU.

[Pinhead Larry]

80% of adults are in relationships which means that dating, in fact, must be quite easy seeing as most people have succeeded.

 

Dating is not easy for some people though. What you have to figure out OP is why dating isn't easy for YOU.

 

Well for me it's because I'm in college where girls only want guys that have experience already and being a kissless virgin who hasn't hugged a girl since may of 2016 doesn't help.

[d0nnivain]

It's simple the way golf is simple. Meaning that theory isn't complex. You swing the club; you hit the ball. You meet a member of the opposite sex; you agree to do something together.

 

 

The execution is a whole other story.

 

 

I'm an optimist but I think that there is a lid for every pot. To somebody everybody is attractive. It's not always easy to find that person. You have to figure out who you are & seek people who are compatible.

 

 

I was shy an awkward in high school -- glasses, smart, nerdy, unable to speak to boys, scrawny -- pick a cliché & I probably fit it. Things got a little better in college where I also discovered that social lubricant better known as alcohol. Things really got better in grad school where nerdiness & brains were prized.

 

 

I like intelligent, witty, conversations & fine wine. When dating I would gravitate toward places like that rather than say a sports bar. I'm not saying sports fans aren't smart but I was playing the odds.

[Miss Spider]

Rule 1. Be attractive

Rule 2. Don't be unattractive

[Pinhead Larry]

It's simple the way golf is simple. Meaning that theory isn't complex. You swing the club; you hit the ball. You meet a member of the opposite sex; you agree to do something together.

 

 

The execution is a whole other story.

 

 

I'm an optimist but I think that there is a lid for every pot. To somebody everybody is attractive. It's not always easy to find that person. You have to figure out who you are & seek people who are compatible.

 

 

I was shy an awkward in high school -- glasses, smart, nerdy, unable to speak to boys, scrawny -- pick a cliché & I probably fit it. Things got a little better in college where I also discovered that social lubricant better known as alcohol. Things really got better in grad school where nerdiness & brains were prized.

 

 

I like intelligent, witty, conversations & fine wine. When dating I would gravitate toward places like that rather than say a sports bar. I'm not saying sports fans aren't smart but I was playing the odds.

 

I'm a junior in college and I've never spoken to a girl because too scared and don't know what to say and I'm personally against myself using any form of alcohol so that won't work for me....

[anduina]

It's easy if you don't try to overanalyze it with results in mind, laser focused on the negatives as if they're insurmountable issues. Attraction happens or not and if it doesn't, you move on with a shrug since there's no investment.

[Redhead14]

From my perspective dating is the most complicated thing in the world. I could learn how to start a business and become successful before I learn how to attract women in the dating world.

 

To attract a girl (or guy in some cases) you don't have to be perfect but you better be

 

1)Attractive

2)Have an insanely great personality and be very good at socializing

3)Rich and or have a great status

 

If you do not have these then you will have a very hard time. To make it even worse and this happens to men and women, if you're the wrong height. They aren't interested. Wrong body type you're out. Some people only like a specific race or not attracted to your race so you lose again. So with all these variables that can make someone interested or not you really have a low chance at getting anyone unless decide to just get with someone just so you won't be lonely and that's why divorce happens.

 

So I never understood how people try to tell me dating is easy when it's really one of the hardest things to do on this planet. It pretty much has to do what you're born with or just flat out luck and some people are very very very unlucky.

 

BE YOURSELF. The right person will like/love you exactly the way you are. There are more people who are not right for you than there are people who are. That is actually the beauty of dating -- people don't have to just pair off with just anybody and put up with things you don't like, someone who isn't attractive to you and be miserable for the rest of your life. You have the opportunity to weed out, explore what does and doesn't work for you, and make a better choice.

[Weezy1973]

I'm a junior in college and I've never spoken to a girl because too scared and don't know what to say and I'm personally against myself using any form of alcohol so that won't work for me....

 

So now we're getting to the bottom of why dating is hard for you. It sounds like you might have social anxiety when it comes to women (literally the fear of speaking to women). This is something that therapy can definitely help you with!

[d0nnivain]

I'm a junior in college and I've never spoken to a girl because too scared and don't know what to say and I'm personally against myself using any form of alcohol so that won't work for me....

 

 

 

You don't have to use alcohol. You are also young so you have that going for you.

 

 

First, remember that girls are people too. You can talk to your buddies, right? Think about what you talk about. You can talk to women about some of those same things -- your classes; how the team is doing; how hard the particular professor is: what you are going to do for work after college; where to get the best pizza at school etc.

 

 

Second, work on overcoming your shyness. You will never get a date if you can't speak to a girl. Starting tomorrow do this exercise for a whole week: smile at women, all women -- your teachers, coeds, little kids, old ladies. That's it. Just smile at them. Take note of how many smile back.

 

 

The week after that say Hi. Nothing complex. Just hello.

 

 

Meanwhile see if you can find a group called ToastMasters. It's really about public speaking but it can help with shyness.

 

 

Consider talking to a campus mental health professional about something call social anxiety disorder and what you can do to over come it.

 

 

I promise. It's NOT hopeless but you will have to put in the effort.

[RecentChange]

Well, I think you got 1/3 of it right.

 

Rule 1 – Have good (or great) social skills

Rule 2 – Be a good communicator. This means conveying what you want, and listening to others. INCLUDING being an excellent observer of body language.

 

I have known men that were not very good looking, definitely not rich, not high status, but yet had girls flocking to them because they know how to communicate. They know how to make a female feel “heard” desired and special.

 

Man I know this one kid (and I say kid because he is 22-23) who just PULLS chicks. Super average looking. Dresses really casual. Works at a barn (so not much $) doesn’t have a “high status” – but he does communicate with women very well. He is smart and attentive. He is confident.

 

One evening I was out with my husband and noticed these two “hot” girls out for a night on the town. All the guys were ogling them, but none had the nerve to approach. I could see the girls flirting with their eyes – but most of the guys just didn’t have the nerve I guess. Well in comes “the kid” – who eventually notices them, approached in a very friendly, yet totally non intimidating way. Soon he had them laughing and joking with him – and he left with them!

 

For ME – I never found dating complicated. I have never been single unless I wanted to be (which was rarely ). I haven’t had any disastrous break ups. I really don’t have anything bad to say about any of my ex’s.

 

I am not hot

I am not rich – or for a female – skinny

 

I DO have very good social skills, I can strike up a conversation with stranger, I can approach a guy. I have a lot of confidence, and I know how to turn on “sexy” when I want to.

 

For me, its not that hard or complicated. But for those with hindered social skills, I am sure it is.

[Pinhead Larry]

You don't have to use alcohol. You are also young so you have that going for you.

 

 

First, remember that girls are people too. You can talk to your buddies, right? Think about what you talk about. You can talk to women about some of those same things -- your classes; how the team is doing; how hard the particular professor is: what you are going to do for work after college; where to get the best pizza at school etc.

 

 

Second, work on overcoming your shyness. You will never get a date if you can't speak to a girl. Starting tomorrow do this exercise for a whole week: smile at women, all women -- your teachers, coeds, little kids, old ladies. That's it. Just smile at them. Take note of how many smile back.

 

 

The week after that say Hi. Nothing complex. Just hello.

 

 

Meanwhile see if you can find a group called ToastMasters. It's really about public speaking but it can help with shyness.

 

 

Consider talking to a campus mental health professional about something call social anxiety disorder and what you can do to over come it.

 

 

I promise. It's NOT hopeless but you will have to put in the effort.

 

It's weird because I have no problem speaking publicly. I was a class clown in high school but I just couldn't approach women, especially women that I found attractive.

[d0nnivain]

It's weird because I have no problem speaking publicly. I was a class clown in high school but I just couldn't approach women, especially women that I found attractive.

 

 

Forget you think they are attractive. Channel your clownishness. Just talk to them. Start with a girl from glass you don't find attractive. Build from there.

[RecentChange]

I just couldn't approach women, especially women that I found attractive.

 

And this will make dating near impossible. Like I said, its not all about looks, or money or status. Its about being able to communicate. If you can't even begin to communicate with a female - well then, dating one would be far out of reach.

 

Perhaps a counselor or someone can give you some tools to overcome your anxiety. The rest of your reasons are excuses. THIS right here is the real reason.

 

Its like saying "no one listens to my music" yet you have never strummed the guitar strings.

[Pinhead Larry]

Well, I think you got 1/3 of it right.

 

Rule 1 – Have good (or great) social skills

Rule 2 – Be a good communicator. This means conveying what you want, and listening to others. INCLUDING being an excellent observer of body language.

 

I have known men that were not very good looking, definitely not rich, not high status, but yet had girls flocking to them because they know how to communicate. They know how to make a female feel “heard” desired and special.

 

Man I know this one kid (and I say kid because he is 22-23) who just PULLS chicks. Super average looking. Dresses really casual. Works at a barn (so not much $) doesn’t have a “high status” – but he does communicate with women very well. He is smart and attentive. He is confident.

 

One evening I was out with my husband and noticed these two “hot” girls out for a night on the town. All the guys were ogling them, but none had the nerve to approach. I could see the girls flirting with their eyes – but most of the guys just didn’t have the nerve I guess. Well in comes “the kid” – who eventually notices them, approached in a very friendly, yet totally non intimidating way. Soon he had them laughing and joking with him – and he left with them!

 

For ME – I never found dating complicated. I have never been single unless I wanted to be (which was rarely ). I haven’t had any disastrous break ups. I really don’t have anything bad to say about any of my ex’s.

 

I am not hot

I am not rich – or for a female – skinny

 

I DO have very good social skills, I can strike up a conversation with stranger, I can approach a guy. I have a lot of confidence, and I know how to turn on “sexy” when I want to.

 

For me, its not that hard or complicated. But for those with hindered social skills, I am sure it is.

 

True and that's another thing is that I'm socially inept and can't tell if a girl is flirting with her eyes. I don't even know what that means or is. The only way I can tell if a girl likes me is if she grabs my crotch and tell me.

[basil67]

Forget about flirting and dating for now. If you can't even speak to girls, it's like trying to run before you can walk.

 

First you need to learn to speak to girls. To have friends who are girls. Socialise with girls. Does your social circle have girls in it?

[Jj66]

For me dating is hard once it gets to the relationship stage.

 

But attracting women and getting dates is really quite easy.

 

Attractive: without question.

 

 

 

My face has a distinctive European look that seems to really lure women from Northern and Eastern European extraction who consider it ruggedly handsome. I am also tall and I still have my hair at 50. I was blessed with large expressive eyes and natural lashes that most women would kill for. I'm slightly overweight these days. I'm strong but not overly muscular. I have a nice rear end I have been told many times. Even guys comment on my well-proportioned and toned legs. A combination of genetics and frequent long distance swimming along with hiking and backpacking in the mountains. I've been told I look like Javier Bardem and Joe Namath on many occasions and Gerard Butler a few times.

 

Apparently a lot of women my age think of me as a catch. Whenever I am unattached, married women will try to set their single girlfriends up with me. I get comments such as these quite often: if I weren't married... If I were 10 years younger... If you didn't have a girlfriend... And just bluntly you're a catch, Jj. One of my friends told me his girlfriend thought I was super hot. I've never considered myself hot. She was from a Baltic country. I don't think I have ever met a woman from the Baltic or Balkan areas that would not have said I was handsome. But most Asians do not seem to be into my look that much. Ive had mixed success attracting women of African or Latin extraction.

 

Insanely good personality and fantastic socializer:

 

I'm an introvert but I'm not a bit awkward. I am personable and unobtrusive. I am not outgoing, but I am warm, welcoming and approachable. I am almost always smiling or laughing. When I open up I make people laugh. I am comfortable in my own skin and fit well in almost any company although I'm not frequently the life of the party.

 

Rich or have great status:

 

I have an upper middle class income and an Ivy League education. I do not flaunt money so people I come into contact with have no idea of my wealth or lack of it. Because I am introverted I only have middle of the road to second tier status in most environments I find myself in. I am not a leader of people at all. I'm confident, but not a typical alpha male. On the other hand I am well-respected and admired for my technical competence, ingenuity, innovation, and ability to solve problems quickly by the leaders in several environments in which I operate. I'm a valuable asset to them and I believe I probably get some preferential treatment because of it. I could even be considered to be somewhat of a "rock star" at my current job since a woman called me that once.

[Shanex]

I was also terribly shy around your age but this is something you can work on.

 

Being attractive helps. Being very handsome (in case you are) and a bit socially awkward is handicapping! Many girls your age will assume a handsome enough dude has all the ladies flocking to him and so many fwbs rotating if he wants to. It's a myth that hasn't yet been entirely debunked. You can look like a jock yet don't break necks and charm everyone around you, you know?

 

I still dont recall how I overcome my shyness.. Not alcohol for sure. Not pot either even though they help in parties, only temporarily. Not a long term solution.

 

Once you graduate, get your own place and a decent car, your dating prospect may improve. The girls may chat you up a bit, if they somehow figure out they have an introvert in front of them.

[5x5]

From my perspective dating is the most complicated thing in the world. I could learn how to start a business and become successful before I learn how to attract women in the dating world.

 

To attract a girl (or guy in some cases) you don't have to be perfect but you better be

 

1)Attractive

2)Have an insanely great personality and be very good at socializing

3)Rich and or have a great status

 

If you do not have these then you will have a very hard time. To make it even worse and this happens to men and women, if you're the wrong height. They aren't interested. Wrong body type you're out. Some people only like a specific race or not attracted to your race so you lose again. So with all these variables that can make someone interested or not you really have a low chance at getting anyone unless decide to just get with someone just so you won't be lonely and that's why divorce happens.

 

So I never understood how people try to tell me dating is easy when it's really one of the hardest things to do on this planet. It pretty much has to do what you're born with or just flat out luck and some people are very very very unlucky.

 

In my experience dating has always been very easy.

 

If I am attracted to someone and would like to date them I simply ask them out. If they are interested and available they will say yes and then we will date, if they're not interested and or available they'll say no and I will then happily move on.

 

Likewise in my experience if a woman is interested they will sometimes ask me out on a date. Then if I am also interested and available I will say yes, or if not interested and or not available I will say no.

 

It really isn't a big deal if someone isn't attracted to you and they turn you down. Each of us likes what we like, if you need to convince someone to like you, it's fair to say that you're barking up the wrong tree. At the end of the day I think it would be far worse if someone didn't turn you down, yet dated you anyway when they didn't want you.

 

That said in my experience this idea that I often see posted on forums, that women as a collective will only date men above a certain height, with a certain level of income and all the rest is nothing but nonsense.

 

For example at 5'3" I've always been short, and I've never been rich, yet I've never lacked for female suitors (mostly taller than me), dates, sex and or offers of the same, sexual relationships and even a few marriage proposals. To the point that from the age of 17 I have enjoyed circa 25 years of long term sexual relationships including two marriages (the first was short lived) of which my second is still going at almost 18 years, through 28 years. With a decent number of other shorter sexual relationships during those other 3 years.

 

Take my current wife who is 5'7" as an example, when we met at work she was in a sexual relationship with a taller man. Who had a greater income than me and seemed able to charm women. At the time my wife (who was almost 26 while I was almost 25) earned more than me, owned her own car while I owned a bicycle, and had various tertiary qualifications while I had High School. Yet she quickly took a liking to me, asked me out on a date, dumped him and then at her initial request started having sex with me.

 

One thing for sure though, being socially capable does go a very long way and being attractive doesn't always hurt. Yet do keep in mind that being attractive is largely subjective, so an ability to socialise healthily is extremely important which doesn't mean one needs to have an insanely great personality either.

 

Well for me it's because I'm in college where girls only want guys that have experience already and being a kissless virgin who hasn't hugged a girl since may of 2016 doesn't help.

 

Women want all sorts of different things, they're not all cardboard cutouts. If you don't carry on about being a kisses virgin, how would anyone know you were or weren't one at all?

 

I'm a junior in college and I've never spoken to a girl because too scared and don't know what to say and I'm personally against myself using any form of alcohol so that won't work for me....

 

So that's your problem.

 

Dating isn't complicated, it's just that you make dating a non-starter.

 

Not speaking to women out of fear will get you nowhere fast. You shouldn't be afraid of them or afraid of rejection.

 

Women are people just like you, they crush on people as well, sometimes are nice, and or cruel, get tongue tied or nervous, get rejected or accepted, get dumped or do the dumping and on and on etc.

 

In the long run smiling, paying attention and getting to the point instead of beating around the bush will benefit you more than standing on the sidelines.

 

Likewise don't put women on pedestals, don't think you are better than them, don't think you are entitled to anything and accept rejection as nothing more than dodging a bullet because you won't be a good match.

 

Get over yourself and the sexual relationships are more likely to follow.

[Pinhead Larry]

Forget about flirting and dating for now. If you can't even speak to girls, it's like trying to run before you can walk.

 

First you need to learn to speak to girls. To have friends who are girls. Socialise with girls. Does your social circle have girls in it?

 

I only have one female friend and she moved away a long time ago, but we still keep in touch.

[WomenWubber]

Because it's easy for them to the point it's even difficult to understand that some people struggle with it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

Basically you will just have to try a lot harder than most. Keep trying and learning, but don't push yourself too hard. Take some breaks so you don't get too frustrated. Baby steps and all that.

[GoldSparkz]

Dating is a skill that has to he mastered. You have to work on yourself first and your inability to communicate with women. If you can't approach women, then how do you expect to get a date?

 

One thing I've learned in my many years on this planet is 'nothing ventured, nothing gained'. If you want something that bad, you're going to have to work HARD for it. Your future wife won't fall into your lap.

[basil67]

I only have one female friend and she moved away a long time ago, but we still keep in touch.

 

OK, so start by expanding your social group and get used to being around girls. What interest groups does your college have?