A waitress at my local cafe

[nulomy]

Hey guys. So, I just wanted to throw out here an emotional predicament I am in...

So, I am Male, 31, the woman in question, mid twenties? (Not sure).

I frequent a coffee shop here in England regularly. So, this woman started working there as waitress in November ish.

I was very attracted to her, chatted her up a little (shes from Estonia). Anyways, we into very similar things and I naturally felt good about that and added her on FB.

I learned that she was only two months out of a relationship. Her ex cheated on her. (Happened to me too a few years ago) so we kinda related bigtime about it.

I was working close by and she would call in just to say hi on her way to work. I decided because we both liked films Id text her asking would she be up for the cinema sometime. She said instantly replied a long message explaining she had exams coming up, no time etc but, finished by saying maybe sometime.

I took that as no basically and left it at that in terms of pursuing her. (I don't like to be percieved to be weak or needy or chasing a woman)

Come December and the poor woman informed me rather abruptly at the cafe that her father suddenly died back in Estonia.

I did my best to console her on the spot, offered my condolences etc and told her I'd be there if she needed anything (this was genuine, all romantic thoughts out the window at this stage).

So, for the next while whenever I was in the cafe I just asked how she was doing and hoped she was doing good.

 

Anyways, at the end of December then I saw her post a relationship update saying 'in relationship'.

Because she shares so much articles and memes, I decided I would unfollow her just to kinda heal (because it did hurt a little) and I just nonchalantly would be friendly at the cafe when I see her. I basically sucked it up. All good.

I'd still catch her looking at me when she would fly by or from the other side of the cafe but I just kept telling myself I must be looking for signs that aren't there.

Then, about two weeks ago (yes, I still use the same cafe, its basically my local as I am a non drinker) I was sat there and suddenly felt a neck/shoulder massage from behind. I looked up and it was her smiling down at me.

I won't lie. This made me feel great... It stirred up feelings for her again.. But, I said to myself i'll just play it cool. She did it a few times again that evening and kept coming out always smiling at me or saying things over at me when she passes.

Few days later, I was sat with a female friend having coffee and she came straight over, smiling, talking back and fourth and even my friend turned to me and said 'errm, that girls clearly into you?'

Again, I'm feeling great about it naturally.

Ill try wrap this up now quickly.. So next day or so Im in there again and I feel a hand stroke the back of my head and i look up, its her, she asks is it the usual, other times she bumps into me pretending she didnt see me joking about etc, and last night was the most intense and admittedly, I went there hoping she was there. She would keep coming over to me telling me about whats happening in her life, asking about mine, tickling the back of my neck as she passes and looking back and smiling etc.

I laid it on thick this time with direct compliments...

Lastly, I decide to look at her page (still unfollowed) and I see that she posted a pic of some presents on valentines day with the caption 'when your boyfriend knows what you like'.

My heart sank... So, very confused, very disheartened, and I think I know what I need to do, which is find a new coffee shop. Oh, and even at that, she raced over to me last week to tell me a secret which was she was getting a job in Tommy Hilfigers.. I said semi jokingly Ill be sad. In which she said dont be, It means I can be sitting here with you, better right??

 

So yea... Thanks very much for reading. I just wanted to throw this pathetic tale up here of mine lol.

 

Oh and p.s. I dont cheat and I would consider myself a cheater even if the women had a partner and I am single... So I kinda feel like I may be trying to convince myself that there might not be a 'relationship' as she didn't tag whoever it was. Even her friends were posting saying 'huh? What?'

[goldway90]

Imo she's just friendly and likes the attention you give her. So the only way to find out if she's in a relationship is by asking her out, it's better to get a flat out "NO" than to just be stuck wondering "what if"

[coolheadal]

Yes I have to agree you need to find out if she's seeing anyone. This is how you do it by saying "so your seeing your boyfriend after work or later in the week?"This is how you find out if she's seeing anyone. Don't just come out and say it. Word it in a sentence works best. Less embarrassment on your end too. Sounds like she's just going along for the ride of attention and likes to flirt and tease as women like to do at us men. Don't take to heart just move on and look ease where. But she's nice so keep her as a friend only if you tells you she has a boyfriend now that she's seeing.

[GoldSparkz]

I think I know what I need to do, which is find a new coffee shop.

 

You may have answered your own question there

 

In all honesty, if you like her, you need to be prepared to ask her out directly or move on. All of this pushing and pulling is exhausting. Like coolheadal said, ask her flat out if she has a boyfriend, then take it from there.

 

Regarding the touchy feely stuff, she sounds like she likes the attention, so don't play into it if the feelings are only one sided. You'll end up getting hurt again.

[nulomy]

Thanks very much guys. All sound advice. Yea, for sure. Asking her straight up (well, in a round about casual way) does she have a boyfriend is for sure the only option.

The fear of rejection is strong but better to know now as opposed to sitting and hoping which is pointless.

 

Thanks again!