immizunderstood Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is driving me crazy. I feel like he puts everyone before me. His family, his son's family, his business just everything. I just told him I feel like he doesn't love me and he said being that he went away with his family for the weekend that when he gets back he'll give me his perspective I told him just forget it because once he gets back it will all boil down to it being my fault and my attitude. My attitude is based on the way he degrades me and talks to as if i was some cheap slut. My mind is telling to leave but my heart wants it to work. I feel like i'm at a stand still, no only because I work for him, live with him but I also have children of my own that don't belong to him. We both came into the relationship with children he has a son and I have 2 daugthers. Does anyone have any input. My god i'm hurting.
katty Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 I am sorry you are hurting so bad. I hope you don't mind if I put my two cents in. Have you ever thought about finding a different job? I don't know if that is something you can do but I don't know how a rs can survive with your living together, working together, etc. It maybe that he is putting everyone else ahaed of you bc he is finding that as his way of getting space. It isn't healthy to depend solely on one person, start finding some activities, trips, etc. that dont include him. I think you will find that he will start thinking about you more and finding time for you. I dated a guy for 6 years that always put me last on the list, I got fed up and threatened to leave, etc. but nothing worked. I finally gave up and just didn't care. I found outside hobbies, vacations, etc. to get involved in and all of a sudden he started finding lots of time for me. I think your bf maybe taking you for granted. He knows you are going to be there no matter how far down he puts you on the list, so just shock him one time by not being there when he expects you to be. Find new friends that do not belong to your circle of friends that the two of you associate with. Please don't get the wrong idea from this, do not by no means go out and find another man, etc. to make him jealous, that is not what I am suggesting. That would just drive a nail in the coffin so to speak. I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself but mainly worry about yourself, pamper yourself for a while. Take Care.
sweetserendipity Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 You have to ask yourself - why would you remain with someone who degrades you, talks to you like you're some 'cheap slut', puts everyone and everything else above you? This isn't so much about him but about you - why you would choose to remain with such an individual? Do your 2 daughters live with you? If so, don't you feel you owe it to them as their Mom/role model, to extract yourself from this unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship so that they don't grow up believing that it's just part of life that men treat women like s***? Regardless of their ages, they're going to pick up on how he mistreats and disrespects you - and they're going to believe that's "normal" - and they will surely grow up being attracted to this same type of man, and they will end up being abused (verbally, mentally, emotionally, perhaps even physically - which is quite likely). Can you live with that? I doubt it...so let your children be the catalyst for you ending this horrible relationship. Get yourself another job, move out (or kick him out, depending on whose home you both live in). Then get youreslf into some counselling to help you figure out what's missing in you that would cause you to remain in love with someone who treats you so badly.
Author immizunderstood Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 I totally agree with what your saying sweetserentiy and thank you katty for your compassion; I agree that my daughters don't belong in this type of environment. I also feel stuck in a rut. I can't for the life of me understand why I stay. Sometimes I wish I could get my life together now. It just feels like nothing ever moves fast enough. I have started my job search and even went on an interview. I have told this man I was leaving and that I was quitting and the answer to both of my comments was. "You go when I say you go." This man knows I've made him plenty of money but at the same breathe he tells me I could be replaced. I've even tried sticking it out to save money. But I'm at the point right now where I just want to say forget everything and just start over. I believe God would help but I also know he only helps those who help themselves. My main thought process right now is that I feel alone and scared. Scared for myself and my children. Yes, I do love him but I don't love him enough to tolerate the bulls*** he dishes out everyday, every other day etc.. He trys to make me feel like I'm the one with the problem but I know in my heart it can't all be me. I'm just dying right now for support and good day just to cry it out and move on. That's all... My concentration gets snapped back into the world of motherhood and rightfully so because I must attend to the needs of my children. But every thought that enters my mind when thinking of him becomes negative. This weekend when he went away he sent me flowers and you know what I didn't even feel the love most woman would feel when being sent flowers. I asked what they were for he said to make you feel better because things have been rough lately. But here's the headbanger he still can't say if this relationship is what he wants. I really think I should just leave. I just wish God would give me the strength to say Fu_k IT enough is enough!
Author immizunderstood Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 Oh! and yes sweetserenity the girls live with us. This is the only man they've ever known.
Author immizunderstood Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 I'm sorry its sweetserendipity. P.S. Serendipity happens to be one of my favorite words.
sweetserendipity Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 It's rather disconcerting for this man to say to you "you'll go when I say you'll go" - he sounds very controlling and downright scary. Has he ever laid a hand on you? Nevertheless, whether he's physically abused you or not, he's surely abusing you in other ways - and I can see how you feel very stuck. I see from your profile that you're in NY. Click on this link below, it lists the various Domestic Abuse agencies throughout NY - shelters, support resources, etc. Find the one closest to you - and take advantage of him being gone this weekend. Call them up, explain your situation and how you just don't know where to turn. You don't even have to give your name if you don't want to, and don't worry - they will not call the police or anything like that. The people who work at these places have been past victims of the various forms of Domestic Abuse themselves - they will KNOW exactly what you're going through - how you feel stuck, trapped, worn-out, not sure where to turn, like a prisoner. They could even help you to get out of that home if you wanted to get out. They could likely help you with finding a job and having some good options here. The reason you're unable to leave is because you're so beat down and abused by this creature that you just don't even have the energy anymore - or likely the self esteem, or the belief that things will get better if you get away from him. Please, for your sake and the sake of your daughters - call them: http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/about_dv/fss/resource.html
Author immizunderstood Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 Thank You, I've realized a couple of months ago i was being emotionally abused. I've started to read books on controlling, angry men. My bf demonstrates alot the signs: 1 the silent treatment 2 takes affection away 3 putting guilt on the other party 4 name calling and a whole lot more so i know something has to be done soon. In any event Thanks
Recommended Posts