Let go the love of my life for my culture and now I want her back

February 16, 2017

I come from a conservative Muslim Asian family.my family is more cultural than religious. A culture where everything is decided for us by our parents and marrying cousins is still common despite living in the west. Anyway, I'm female and fell in love with a white girl.its really complicated. I'd say we're both Bi. We dated for 2 years until she "cheated" and left me for someone else because I would not commit to her. Although I'm angry at her cheating, I do blame myself for it. I made her feel like crap, making her ill and given our situation I guess she just gave in. Her friends hated my guts, kept telling her that I'm using her and wasting her time. I think they had a lot of influence on her decision. Before that we had both been faithful. I told her from the start that my family expect me to marry a man of my culture. My family would never accept this relationship and they would make our lives as difficult as possible. Before people give me a hard time, family and community is everything in my culture and that's just the way it is. My family have financially supported me throughout my life and even paid for my education so it made me feel guilty for letting them down. In the back of my mind I have always been fearful that if I give up my family for her who is to say that down the line we won't end up breaking up. Then I'd be left on my own with no family support and no one to turn to. Anyway my ex is seeing some guy now and wants nothing to do with me.

Since she's been gone I have realised how deeeply I love her and how much she means to me. And now I'm willing to risk it all to be with her, I'm sick of being a coward. But how can I ever win her back when she doesn't want to speak to me? I have tried everything including NC. Although she has replied to some of my messages she's adamant that we should never talk again. She has completely cut me out of her life as if I don't exist anymore. It really hurts. It's been 8 months since we broke up.

Maybe I should just give up. Sometimes love is not enough and does not conquer all. But I honestly believe she's the one and I will never forgive myself for letting her go. And I'll hate myself for not taking that chance. She has always said that she wanted to marry me and our feelings were so intense. I love her more than anything. If this was a movie, she would be mine now. But this is real life. How can I get her back? how can I get her to talk to me?

Edited February 16, 2017 by Lovehurtss

February 16, 2017

It's over. Accept that. You wanting to be with another person and feeling love for that person isn't enough. If it isn't mutual and reciprocal, then you aren't a couple and never will be unless she wants it also.

You had your chance and let it go. I don't see how she cheated on you - you were dating and you say that you wouldn't give her the commitment she was seeking. That doesn't bind either of you to any kind of exclusivity. In marriage, we promise to "forsake all others". You weren't married.

Regarding your culture, if you've moved to another part of the world or to another country, then you have a new culture. Some of it is traditional and some of it is blended with the dominant culture of wherever you are now. If your parents moved your family to where you live now, then they've given you that new culture. The fact that you have internet access means that you're not living in a remote village where and how your ancestors lived a thousand years ago. This transition is often very difficult, but you have your own life to live, not someone else's. Arranged marriages are mostly about intergenerational transfer of property. If you want to inherit anything or share in the work and wealth of a family business, then you'll likely have to submit. If you want to make your own way in the world and be entirely responsible for your own financial support, then you can do as you decide.

In a remote village in Pakistan, Iraq, or Indonesia, an arranged marriage would probably an economic necessity for you. If you're an adult and living in London, New York, or Paris, it absolutely isn't. It's your choice.

The consequences, just like the regrets of your now-ended relationship, are entirely your responsibility.

February 16, 2017

It's over. Accept that. You wanting to be with another person and feeling love for that person isn't enough. If it isn't mutual and reciprocal, then you aren't a couple and never will be unless she wants it also.

You had your chance and let it go. I don't see how she cheated on you - you were dating and you say that you wouldn't give her the commitment she was seeking. That doesn't bind either of you to any kind of exclusivity. In marriage, we promise to "forsake all others". You weren't married.

Regarding your culture, if you've moved to another part of the world or to another country, then you have a new culture. Some of it is traditional and some of it is blended with the dominant culture of wherever you are now. If your parents moved your family to where you live now, then they've given you that new culture. The fact that you have internet access means that you're not living in a remote village where and how your ancestors lived a thousand years ago. This transition is often very difficult, but you have your own life to live, not someone else's. Arranged marriages are mostly about intergenerational transfer of property. If you want to inherit anything or share in the work and wealth of a family business, then you'll likely have to submit. If you want to make your own way in the world and be entirely responsible for your own financial support, then you can do as you decide.

In a remote village in Pakistan, Iraq, or Indonesia, an arranged marriage would probably an economic necessity for you. If you're an adult and living in London, New York, or Paris, it absolutely isn't. It's your choice.

The consequences, just like the regrets of your now-ended relationship, are entirely your responsibility.

Thanks for your reply. The funny thing is when we were together she was the one that gave her all to me. She was always there for me and really wanted to marry me. I took her for granted. I'm still shocked that she completely cut me out and the cruel way in which she dumped me.

Regarding the cheating part. I strongly disagree. For 2 years we were exclusive and faithful to eachother. We were a couple and promised eachother loyalty. At least I told her the truth from the start I could have hidden it like somany people do-she knew the situation but still decided to stay with me.

I live in the UK. I know it's hard to believe but it's not as easy as you say and I know many people that even after living here for over 20 years have not integrated into British society. I'm from a tight knit Asian community in a small town. The main issue is that we were in queer relationship which unfortunately, is unacceptable in my culture. My parents would lose face in the community and they lives would be made hell. My father has strong ties and is like a leader of the community so leaving is not an option for my family. If one of us was a man then perhaps my family would be more accepting.

The reason she doesn't speak to me is because she's afraid she'll be dragged back into this again and I'll break her heart by marrying a man of my culture. But i want to tell her that I'm willing to risk it all for her, even prepared to leave my family. I really want to be with her and spend the rest of my life with her. But if only I could get a chance to speak to her. Even then if she still says no and she wants to move on then I'll understand. As long as I can tell myself that at least I tried. I truly believe that nothing is worth fighting for than love. Now I'm ready to fight for her even if I get rejected.

February 16, 2017

I'm not well aware of your culture but I'll give my general view.

Your words will have no affect on her. She needs to see. Not just some temporary make up to get her back till you decide but someone who has decided and gives her sincere commitment. I have no idea how you can do that.

If you are going against your friends , family , etc , just know that you can't hold it over head ever that --- for you, I left my family etc. You have to be certain that you are doing this because YOU want to.

Of course given your past decisions, you are not reliable at this point.

I'm a firm believer in not letting love go because no one is perfect and grass is not greener on the other side and most of all it's not as easy to find as it seems.

Give her what she needs, not wants, at this point.

February 16, 2017

Thanks for your reply. The funny thing is when we were together she was the one that gave her all to me. She was always there for me and really wanted to marry me. I took her for granted. I'm still shocked that she completely cut me out and the cruel way in which she dumped me.

Regarding the cheating part. I strongly disagree. For 2 years we were exclusive and faithful to eachother. We were a couple and promised eachother loyalty. At least I told her the truth from the start I could have hidden it like somany people do-she knew the situation but still decided to stay with me.

I live in the UK. I know it's hard to believe but it's not as easy as you say and I know many people that even after living here for over 20 years have not integrated into British society. I'm from a tight knit Asian community in a small town. The main issue is that we were in queer relationship which unfortunately, is unacceptable in my culture. My parents would lose face in the community and they lives would be made hell. My father has strong ties and is like a leader of the community so leaving is not an option for my family. If one of us was a man then perhaps my family would be more accepting.

The reason she doesn't speak to me is because she's afraid she'll be dragged back into this again and I'll break her heart by marrying a man of my culture. But i want to tell her that I'm willing to risk it all for her, even prepared to leave my family. I really want to be with her and spend the rest of my life with her. But if only I could get a chance to speak to her. Even then if she still says no and she wants to move on then I'll understand. As long as I can tell myself that at least I tried. I truly believe that nothing is worth fighting for than love. Now I'm ready to fight for her even if I get rejected.

This is what I'm saying to not do.

You are making her responsible for everything. Do it because you are ready to sacrifice for what is more important to you. When you guys are happy together, most families eventually accept.

February 16, 2017

This is what I'm saying to not do.

You are making her responsible for everything. Do it because you are ready to sacrifice for what is more important to you. When you guys are happy together, most families eventually accept.

I am ready. I'm just afraid it'll never get to that point if she doesn't even want to speak to me and there's this new guy she's seeing. It's sad.

I suppose I can always turn up to her pace but I don't want to freak her out and posh her further away.

February 16, 2017

Are you ready because you don't have her anymore or you really are ready. See, that's what she wants to see.

If you are , then just know that just because she dumped you , it doesn't mean that feelings are gone. They don't go away in a day. She might be hurting as bad but since she wasn't getting what she needed, you let her with no choice apparently.

If it was me, I would start from apologizing and owing up how I took her for granted. Then sneak back in. It's fresh break up , feelings are on the surface. The more deeply one loves, the more it hurts. More difficult it is to get over. People on this board will flame me for it but hey, you've got to sometimes take advantage, if you are sincere.

February 16, 2017

You have this one life to live here on earth, and it is yours to live, not your parents. They have already had their life, and if they chose to let someone else dictate it for them, that is their fault, not yours. One precious life. You should live it the way you want to and live it in a way that you can grow.

A mother's love cannot be put out if it was ever truly there to begin with. You tell them you only have this one life to live, though you appreciate them and love them dearly. You tell them "you had your life to live as you choose. Now it's my turn."

February 17, 2017

I've been through a similar situation and I'm not proud of my actions and how I hurt her. But I did and I have to accept responsibility for that. We have no contact now and it's been the hardest year of my life, but I've had to come to terms with what happened. Life is about choices, you made yours and now she's made hers. She doesn't want to be with you and you need to respect that. I'm sorry for your pain, I know it can feel unbearable at times but it will lessen with time.

Maybe you'll be luckier than I am and you'll get another chance with her. If you do than you already know how hard the road will be for you and you need to weigh up if you really can handle the fall out with your family. If you can then you have to prove it to her and not just offer up words.

In the mean time work on yourself and try to be make yourself happy. Trying to please everyone is exhausting, and unhealthy.

February 17, 2017

I've been through a similar situation and I'm not proud of my actions and how I hurt her. But I did and I have to accept responsibility for that. We have no contact now and it's been the hardest year of my life, but I've had to come to terms with what happened. Life is about choices, you made yours and now she's made hers. She doesn't want to be with you and you need to respect that. I'm sorry for your pain, I know it can feel unbearable at times but it will lessen with time.

Maybe you'll be luckier than I am and you'll get another chance with her. If you do than you already know how hard the road will be for you and you need to weigh up if you really can handle the fall out with your family. If you can then you have to prove it to her and not just offer up words.

In the mean time work on yourself and try to be make yourself happy. Trying to please everyone is exhausting, and unhealthy.

I'm trying to self improve but it's so hard and it's killing me every day that I don't have her anymore. Out of interest, are you the person from a conservative family or are you someone that your ex gave up for family?

February 17, 2017

I'm trying to self improve but it's so hard and it's killing me every day that I don't have her anymore. Out of interest, are you the person from a conservative family or are you someone that your ex gave up for family?

I guess all you need is courage to stand up for what you want and strength to be able to withstand the fallout.

She will need your shield as well because of the obvious backlash. Some people won't do it in front of you but will do to her in a way that will make it hard for her to communicate to you.

If you are sick of being a coward then stop being one. If you think she dumped you in a cruel way , don't think even for a second that she is not as hurt as you. She probably had no choice. It's kind of either ripping off the bandage slowly or pull it in one go. The latter is much harder , for her as well. So don't think she is happy especially if love was still there. What missing was your inability to fulfill her need.

Relationships are both about needs and wants.

February 17, 2017

I guess all you need is courage to stand up for what you want and strength to be able to withstand the fallout.

She will need your shield as well because of the obvious backlash. Some people won't do it in front of you but will do to her in a way that will make it hard for her to communicate to you.

If you are sick of being a coward then stop being one. If you think she dumped you in a cruel way , don't think even for a second that she is not as hurt as you. She probably had no choice. It's kind of either ripping off the bandage slowly or pull it in one go. The latter is much harder , for her as well. So don't think she is happy especially if love was still there. What missing was your inability to fulfill her need.

Relationships are both about needs and wants.

The only thing making me have second thoughts is the fact that she has this new guy in her life now- they've been together since we broke up. I don't want to come back into her life and make a mess of it all over again if she's happy with him. But I suppose he has given her what I couldn't at the time-commitment.

February 17, 2017

I'm trying to self improve but it's so hard and it's killing me every day that I don't have her anymore. Out of interest, are you the person from a conservative family or are you someone that your ex gave up for family?

I come from a conservative family and I pretty much chose them over her. I allowed my cowardice to come between us. She needed the security and commitment I couldn't provide. She also broke up with me very harshly and started dating someone new in a few weeks. They're still together and I think she's very happy now.

I screwed up and I wouldn't even think about trying to win her back because she got what she deserves with this new guy. And I love her enough to let her go. Yes it hurt and broke me, but it also gave me proper insight into me and who I was. I wouldn't make the same mistakes again

February 17, 2017

I come from a conservative family and I pretty much chose them over her. I allowed my cowardice to come between us. She needed the security and commitment I couldn't provide. She also broke up with me very harshly and started dating someone new in a few weeks. They're still together and I think she's very happy now.

I screwed up and I wouldn't even think about trying to win her back because she got what she deserves with this new guy. And I love her enough to let her go. Yes it hurt and broke me, but it also gave me proper insight into me and who I was. I wouldn't make the same mistakes again

Wow sounds just like my story. My ex also broke up with me very harshly and started dating someone new right away. She's still with him and seems happy. Have you got in touch with her since the breakup? How long was your relationship if you don't mind me asking?

My biggest regret is that I did not even try to fight for her at the time. I was too fearful and a coward. I guess that made her feel not wanted.

February 17, 2017

When you guys are happy together, most families eventually accept.

NO, that will not happen here.

Many UK Muslims are very conservative and Lovehurtss is not exaggerating when she says her family's life would be made hell by her community, and lives may even be in danger too.

The sham marriages of convenience protecting gay Asians | The Independent

I live in the UK. I know it's hard to believe but it's not as easy as you say and I know many people that even after living here for over 20 years have not integrated into British society. I'm from a tight knit Asian community in a small town. The main issue is that we were in queer relationship which unfortunately, is unacceptable in my culture. My parents would lose face in the community and they lives would be made hell. My father has strong ties and is like a leader of the community so leaving is not an option for my family. If one of us was a man then perhaps my family would be more accepting.

February 18, 2017

Wow sounds just like my story. My ex also broke up with me very harshly and started dating someone new right away. She's still with him and seems happy. Have you got in touch with her since the breakup? How long was your relationship if you don't mind me asking?

My biggest regret is that I did not even try to fight for her at the time. I was too fearful and a coward. I guess that made her feel not wanted.

We had a very brief conversation where she told me a bunch of lies and asked for NC. Since then no contact at all and while it's been very hard knowing she's with someone else it's made moving on a bit easier. No hope is left now. She seems very happy, lots of stuff on social media etc

We were childhood friends and dated on and off for 3 years. So that's made it more difficult to deal with, loss of a friend and girlfriend.

February 18, 2017

Inbreeding in brown/muslim families is a serious issue. Messed up culture. Tell your selfish parents to join the 21st century or piss off. Sorry to be harsh, it just riles me up. Such an exclusive unaccommodating culture (readers, I realize this is a generalization but spend some time near/around people of this culture and you will see that the parents are controlling to the point of ridiculous. They couldn't care less about their children's happiness. It's all about how they are perceived or think they are perceived, and religion). Basically like the West was a century ago, or much less than that I suppose. And make sure to not continue their backward crap into your generation.

First cousin marriages in Pakistani communities leading to 'appalling' disabilities among children - Telegraph

Edited February 18, 2017 by teddyzain

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Let go the love of my life for my culture and now I want her back

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