WishIWasWiser Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Hi everyone. I used to be a member here but my account appears to have been deactivated. I've been in a relationship for nearly 3 years and not had the need to post here.... until today I hope you are all staying strong! Straight to the point. My girlfriend and I broke up a week ago. We'd been together for almost 3 years and living together for 2 of those. I initiated the break up because I felt like she didn't care about us. I could write a dozen pages about what she did or didn't do that made me feel like she didn't care and it was something we had talked about many times in the past. We argued for a final time and I said in quite an angry tone "If you don't give a sh*t about me then get your stuff an go". She got her stuff and left! At the moment I still love her. I'd probably take her back if she showed me, in some way, that she cares for me and wants to be with me. I'm not sure how she would show me that. I know I wasn't happy in the relationship and I honestly felt like she didn't care about me or the relationship. I tried NC but she messaged me to say there was some other stuff she wanted to get from the house. I couldn't ignore her. We exchanged a few messages and she said she missed me and that she hoped that we would be together again in the future but she needed to get her head in the right place first. I'm now confused because every day since we split up she has added/friended a new guy on Facebook. Facebook is cruel like that! Every time I login I can't help but check to see what she's up to. She's also online on Facebook all the time. I keep thinking that this is a sign that she's moving on. She's adding all these dudes and chatting or flirting with them which is why she's online all the time. This is driving me crazy. I want to ask her if she's moving on. I just want to say " It looks like you are moving on. If you are, please be honest and stop telling me that you miss me ". I could unfriend her, initiate NC and try to move on. At the moment I don't know where I stand with her. Can I just ask her if she wants to move on? Should I just unfriend her and move on myself?
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 No you can't ask her if she wants to move on. There's no need. You already know the answer, you just wish you didn't. She said she wants to get her head straight. Translation: her head is not in your relationship. She adds new guys to her social media because she is moving on. It was good that you responded when she contacted you about getting her stuff. You have to untangle your lives before NC. Now that the stuff is gone you have to unfriend / unfollow her from all social media. You don't need this front row seat. You are undermining your own healing every time you check. Just block her already for your own sanity. 1
marie25 Posted February 17, 2017 Posted February 17, 2017 It sounds like your relationship was due to communication issues. In my opinion, these are things that are always manageable as long as both partners REALLY put in the necessary work. That means possible therapy, reading self-help books, etc. to fix the relationship. Have you tried talking to her about the fact that you still want to work things through, because you still love her, but only if she was also willing to put in all of the work? I'd say it's very painful to be in the in-between state of "I still love you, and want to get back together possibly one day, but need time on my own," because it risks you holding onto hope while she moves on with other guys, while stringing you along. This is partially what happened to me. I'd say - let her know that unless she wants to try reconciling the relationship, you are moving on with no expectations of what the future holds. You don't want to be her backup "just in case" in the future if she finds herself lonely. Rather, you would move on, and she would move on - and if you end up together it is because both of you are on the same level (if that makes sense) and had moved on.
Author WishIWasWiser Posted February 17, 2017 Author Posted February 17, 2017 Thanks for your insight and replies. Yesterday I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make... We spoke about us and we both want to be together, but... She said she needs time to figure out things and sort out whatever it is that makes her incapable of making the relationship work. She also said that she doesn't expect me to wait around because she can't tell me how long it will take for her to work her own things out. I told her that I can't just hang around, putting my life on hold until she decides that she's ready to be in a relationship. I also can't be friends with her right now. It's too hard to see her on Facebook and other social media when I can't have her in my life. Wondering what she's doing, if she's missing me, if she's moving on, etc. I told her that I need to cut all ties and try to get on with my life. She cried... a lot... that made me cry. She told me that she wants me in her life and that she doesn't want a life without me in it. We said goodbye and then I removed her from all social media and deleted her number. Now I feel awful. I feel scared. Imagining my life without her is the worst feeling I've ever experienced. It's been less than 24 hours and I can't stand it. I feel lost and I can't sleep. I hope that she realises what we could have and wants to be with me. I wish so much that she would get in touch and tell me she loves me.
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2017 Posted February 17, 2017 That sucks. But good for you! Don't wait around for her. When she told you that she still loved you & wanted to be together, that was most likely a lie. She didn't want to hurt your feelings any more than she was. She cares enough about you to not want to be the source of your pain but not enough to stay with you. Again I'm sorry. Good news: today is your 1st day toward healing & a happier new you, although it will be a long journey.
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